You arise from the plundered nation,
Your demise looks
as if it were a pregnant woman on medication.
Yet, your eyes,
Deep and brown,
Conjure a despair of sensation;
Baring little annotation.
One,
Maybe more;
Your looks of evil sanitation,
burned with the crescent of wealth and admiration,
Despite the obvious constellation;
Of the stars and the night
all of which dress around you,
But this night devours your life.
The quest once bared
offers little notion,
as you arise from a darkened nation.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,024 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
Thankyou Hope!
Heya Benny Boy!
This is actually pretty good for only your third poem.
However, and this might be just me being a thick headed idiot, but I couldn't really grasp what the poem was trying to convey, it's kind of hidden behind the flowery words. But in terms of flow and rhythm, it's pretty good. I think the rhyme you've got going on is also good, it works in this poem. My tip is try to focus on what you're trying to say. But this is way better then my third attempt at poetry, so points for that xD.
~Hope
Thankyou for the feedback
I actually quite enjoyed reading this poem. the rhyming scheme seemed a little annoying at frst but the fact you don't use it on every line and the lines have no set meter works in your favour and it works for this poem.
the repetition of the "nation" at the beggining and end is really good, it brings the poem full circle and is one of the things I really like about it.
some of your imagery made little sense as said by Silented1 above but for the most part they were good. just try and sort out some of your imagery to make it even better.
Keep writing
Halycon
This doesn't seem to connect too well. The your looks line is out of place, sort of, it doesn't really go with the lines before it.
Other than those, good job, your rhyme wasn't annoying. So, that's good.
Good luck, keep writing.
Silented1.