Author's note: This is a preface to the 2013 poetry collection, Half Open Eyes
, the third by yours truly and will be available on Amazon marketplaces or Pie Magazine in August this year.
PREFACE
One sits down, walks around or watches
With light from the skies or lamps and torches
The life that riddles by and the world,
In all its beauty and glory, begins to unfold;
But one rarely notices the sparrow’s wing,
The lady on the corner who heartily sings –
Do you feel the love, the love of all hearts?
They beat around you, jigsaws, parts;
Perhaps you do – or perhaps you just recollect
And take upon, process, the very select.
Thus, I intend, in this book of mine,
To give my readers, give to you, a line
Upon which you may see, as I do every day,
The words as images morph what I say
Into life itself, proud in glory
And a web of humanity’s amaurotic story;
Not just its pretties, its love, its toasts,
But the dark, the lust, the shadowed coasts.
And why do we write, but to tell of sin?
To yell and scream of all the pride within;
It is a sickness of Man’s lack in faith
Or perhaps the simple realisation
That faith has been forever flawed
And the only effort in life is to be remembered,
For your story of sin must be told,
And its wondrous images therein sold
To the countless souls.
To those men we raise our glass,
Commending the events of which have passed,
Note their tales, their wondrous lessons,
To detail all in words and lyrics their confessions;
And we grip on true life’s pleasures
Just as all good men, women and children do;
But in all pursuits we all share common goal
As Tennyson cries, ‘We are what we are’,
And for this we all strive to be known
To hold a place in hearts or minds, near and far;
We remember them all, all of every rank,
And I give love;
With love,
Ben Franks.
And now I stand here, I profess what I intend,
You the reader, sort through it and commend
Whatever you wish, and whatever you see,
Through half open eyes you watch all that we
End -
And all which has begun.
Hello Ben!
Just a little one! I think 'jigsaw parts' would have a much stronger flow.Ah, a preface in the format of a poem. It's been a while since I've read one of these and I don't think they're often found, though you do occasionally see them in a fantasy book (but put to different purpose) or of course in our more traditional plays. I've always been fond of the idea myself and I feel it adds an extra something to a collection. It also gives a great opportunity for wit and banter between the writer and the audience; there's something very pleasing in seeing a literary book opened with a literary device.
Specifics
1. I'm not sure I like the use of 'one' in the opening line. It sets the scene for something very formal and put the reader at a distance, which I don't think reflects well on the rest of the poem. I'd have rather seen 'you' or 'we'. Something more inclusive and familiar.
2. The second line feels a little forced. It feels strange for you to bring the light into this when that's pretty much a given. If we're watching something, we're doing it by light. You're partially spared by your use of different kinds so you're adding something, but it almost isn't enough and I get the feeling you've chosen the words instead of the meaning. I'd rather see this move on to the third line, though you'd have to tweak it for the rhyme. This is the part in the review where I apologise because I always have trouble explaining myself with words and have to resort to playing with other people's in order to show the point I'm trying to explain. Please forgive me:
'One sits down, walks around or watches
Wait. There's something I need to say before I do this actually as I want to play with this first line as well and now's the perfect opportunity. I'd like to point out that the three components don't quite fit. The second two do. We walk around the world but neglect its beauty, We watch the world but don't see its beauty. But the first is too fragmented. We sit down – but that's passive? It isn't an action or a way we're missing how beautiful the world is. It isn't a full component; can you understand what I'm saying? I think either you need to change the 'or watches' to 'and watches' so that it is applying this action to the first two passives. Or if you want to keep that second one active, then perhaps the first could become a comment on how we talk about the world or complain? So:
One rationalises, walks around or watches
The life that riddles by or fast approaches,
The [insert new point] and the world,
In all her beauty and glory, begins to unfold;
That's a really quick throwing together of things, I know. But it's little changes that make the difference and I don't know how better to explain myself. Also, another tiny tweak, if you personify the world as a 'her', people know where you're going. It's almost a rule it's been done so much but it tells your reader that we're talking about mother Earth and we're taking a trip back to nature.
3. Am I really only on three? I apologise. You'd think taking part in the YWS Cup would give me the ability to cut my rambling, but that's not the case today. Anyway, 3! Your examples are too obvious. A sparrow's wing. A lady singing. The addition of 'on the corner' is a nice touch but you could make these items even more individual and it feels like that's what you were going with. Let's take your lady. Lady is such a broad term. Almost anyone can be a lady these days! How about a busker? That gives them an identity and helps to jazz this up.
Also, heartily doesn't sit well with me. It feels like a waste of a word because you can use the tone of the line to give us a rhythm and to make this feel like it's hearty and the three syllables there is instead going against your rhythm and tone. How about: (and bear in mind I'm throwing the first line together to fix the rhythm and it's a dactyl I think, though my poetry is rusty, please forgive me! But it's a beat and that will compliment the other line. This example is less about the words and more about the sounds which is against my better judgement!)
But rarely we notice the butterfly's wing,
the busker on the corner who plucks as she sings
4.
5. Maybe I only noticed this because it's my biggest crime, but try to avoid using 'just'. It slows down your words and detracts from the effectiveness of the others around it, turning an active line into something that's a little sloppy. Read this line again without the just and see how much better it sounds!
6. Toasts feels like a very odd fit beside pretties and love. Either they all need to be more specific (less general and less cliché) or toasts needs to fit in with the other two. You need to avoid this feeling like a set up for a rhyme. Remember: we don't change our meaning to fit the rhyme. We change our phrasing or our words, but never our meaning or our tone.
Overall
The ending is beautifully done and if the rest were as tight as those last lines, this would be amazing. It's not far off but it needs a few fixes here and there and I think you need to be more sure of what you want to say, of what points you are making. In places it gets a little foggy and that's a shame as I think there are some real gems in here. I like the exploration that we right only of darker things and to confess our sins. It's an interesting take. But then you don't follow this up with a claim that this portfolio will be different and instead seem to applaud such practice and suggest the portfolio will follow that route as well? I got the feeling from the beginning and the title that it would be the opposite?
I should really stop reviewing poetry before I miss it too much. But anyway! If you've got any questions, you know where to find me and maybe I've given you a few things to think about.
All the best,
Heather xxx
This is a good preface. There's not much to really talk about. Reading out loud, I was cut off before the chance to breath in several places, so I would suggest looking at it again while you read it out loud and see where you need to shuffle some pauses around. The first paragraph was especially hard.
It is a little difficult to get into. As soon as you start reading, you have to breathe and that, for me, is annoying especially since the next pause for a breath does not come until much later. There is too much going on in the first sentence.
This whole thing is the first sentence. In old times, sure, this was fine in some corners. Today, people typically don't like more than a couple things modifying the subjects or a couple, one is best usually, modifying embedded sentences.
Last I would like to comment on something that was my interpretation. I was taught to read using the Oxford Comma, so in a list, you put a comma before the "and" or "or" to separate the last two items. For me, you grouped together women and children, and separated out the men. It sounded very prudish. Of course, this is your call whether you want to put another comma in or not, but I figured I would let you know how I read it so you could consider it for the future.
I don't really understand why you signed the poem before you finished it. Also the slant rhyme with Rank and Franks makes the line feel forced because I am drawn to the strangeness of the line with Franks and already know what it says.
I did like the poem in general. It didn't really grab my attention as unique, and it felt more like a church poem due to the point of view, but not all poems are my cup of tea.
Aside from that, congratulations on being published. I wish you the best of luck.