[September Contest] Third Man Poem

by BenFranks

Published September 19, 2010

In Poetry

Author's note: This was just a bit of a laugh, it doesn't sound too good but it's quite funny. Oh, and it won't make the tiniest bit of sense if you haven't read the short story, which is here.

Alexander is ‘bout an inch tall;
An inch wide too with
a lollipop in ‘is hand.

Lick-a-lick.

He don’t say much,
but when he do,
It just plain silly
and Sean just thinks:
“What – foo’!”

Alexander’s gone now,
N’ Sean likes to think
he’s free,
But he ain’t – not really,
Jessie got Alexander on
her head now.

Shame on you Sean,
shame on you.

Comments & reviews · 5
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BenFranks
Comment
BenFranks commented Comment · Sep 26, 2010

Thank you for your comments :)

TheTruthLiesWithin wrote a review Review · Sep 26, 2010

Hey! I've haven't read the short story either but I think I will now :)
I liked the peom very much. It's light and funny (even if I will understand better after I've read the sotry). You paint a good descritption of the characters and I have a little impression of the story. Pure entertainment :) Very enjoyable.
Thank you and keep writing!

-Truth-

User avatar
Demeter
Review
Demeter wrote a review Review · Sep 26, 2010

Hey, Ben!

Well, I haven't read the short story, but let's give this a try, anyhow.

So, as you said yourself, it's just for laughs, and I like it -- humour is always nice. :P But since humourous poems don't always have so much meaning to them, there should be something else that makes them stand out as good poems. This something else is often a strict rhythm or a rhyme scene. Unlike the previous reader, I think the flow in this was pretty much non-existent. I couldn't identify a rhythm of any kind in this poem, which made it very hard to read and focus on properly. Even if a poem is meant to be funny, you're not allowed to write it haphazardly (I love that word, by the way). There's a saying that goes something like "Humour is one of the most serious things there is". It applies to poetry, as well -- writing a funny poem is serious business. :P

Anyway, what I would suggest is to make the stanzas and the lines equally long to achieve a stronger rhythm. Then, if you still have the energy, you can focus on making the rhyming even better, but I think that the rhythm is more important at the moment.

Good luck!


Demeter
x

User avatar
SporkPunk
Review
SporkPunk wrote a review Review · Sep 26, 2010

Ben! Hi!

I don't know if I can review this well, but I will give some general comments.

1. Voice---I loved it!
2. Tone---Seems like you enjoyed writing this, right?
3. Flow--- I think this flowed really well.

All in all I really liked this, it was amusing even though it wasn't serious. I'm sorry I can't give you a better review.

~Sporks



If it looks like a duck, and it quacks like a duck…you should not be so quick to jump to conclusions.
— Cecil Gershwin Palmer