(C) Benjamin Franks, 2013
.
WAKE up to the silver gleams of a painted sky
Bath shrouded in the riches of all the grey,
The colourful painter’s sigh :
The incomparable sweep of pastel shades,
A cold wind to slap you eagerly from your dreams.
Wake now, into the travels of today;—
Breathe in the blue air,
With nature we stare,
Audience to a morning; awe served on silver tray.
.
On the public bus we travel,
To daytime thoughts I dwell;
Imagine the vibrating shaft
The lugging forward of the great iron trawl;
Catching the student fishes daft
Forward in their haul;
Out of the water and into the sun;
Nature’s cry for all to see,
That time and time again this journey’s been done.
.
The station stands in all its industrial glory;
Tracks dip off on opposite horizon
Lands where one’s journey may only widen,
Opportunity for endless exploration:
To be and to quench one’s cultured salvation,
For the journey must be a story:
A lyrical muse before one falls to sleep;
To widen the senses and explore so deeply;
To let loose one’s imagination to the free,
And into a world never seen I may now peep,
As all a map’s fabric does fray;
The corners never seen
Thus we indeed forever dream,
Of every land in the light of May,
Views that glisten from the station, even the muds and clay;—
The pastels of creation
Cry, “Oh what a beautiful day” to the chimes of wind,
In wake of an observational vocation.
.
Board the train, dive to a company of strangers
Sit and wait; it will all begin.
The dark parts of your mind fall back to sin;
After all it is but human,
To dream with painted bitumen,
Miss Psyche’s unwitting – free is to be full of dangers.
Wake now! Out of those thoughts
Admire the journey around
Her railway, her movement, her sound;
Edge to edges, port to ports
Savour possibility,
Through the window is all you see,
Where can you go? O’ everywhere, look!
Feed from the steak and take all the adventurers took:—
Revel, revel in the delight!
—For we do, my love, travel tonight,
Upon the vibrations of her lady Sleeping,
Out of the window, out, out, o’ the wonders of sight:
Watch the sleeping lady greet
All the lands she did previous meet:
Can you see over the hill to the grain mill?
Have you heard of all the sacks those men do fill?
.
The carriages rattle on toward the final stop:
Out of either side zooms by many a man’s crop,
Do we ever stop to consider,
Think of all that we pass?
Imagine if we never forgot,
Of that photo or all the films shot,
To have the film of all we’ve ever laid eyes upon
And to always and ever adorn:
O’ how bliss such a memory would be!
But to no avail for we must all come to know,
The images out of the Sleeping Train,
Performances that are just a few seconds show,
We will all forget in the fast lane;
To which we must turn a smile in our cheek
For the lady still gives us what we seek,
Visions so wondrous
To fill our hearts fabulous;
And from the journey of our Sleeping Train,
We view the world with little disdain.
.
It’ll be goodbye, alas! Then ‘till tomorrow’s morning
Something to look forward to as I rest,
Seeping images of nature’s best,
And to return, once more,
To the pastel grey lands of Bath
Journey back along the same gracious path,
Again I’ll be carried in the lady’s hand
Chugging along the rails of Britain’s muddied sands.
.
I pay this Ode then in the greatest honour
To a Sleeping Train and her journey I favour;
If she be a reflection of the beauty she implores,
And in her daily effortless chores,
I must commend with glee her fabulousness!
It is she, the Sleeping Train, who gives,
Each morning its twilight painted finesse,
And a reminder in life it is humanity who truly lives;
A civilisation mounted on the muses,
A freedom the individual chooses;
Now paint the world your own pastel shades,
Speak unto the world in enlightened tongue:
For we, you and I, breathe
A life upon this world where we no longer sleep;
Instead our dreams are born
And all upset is torn,
With new joy and optimism
We pawns look out from the game to yell;
“Upon her lady’s hand a journey I have borne
We dreamed a while in flashing fragments gone
And now as we board yet one more platform,
We sing, ‘Thank you world
For all the wonder you have done.’”
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,085 Literary Works • 672,996 Reviews
Hey there, Cailey here to review for you!
Alright, so first of all this was pretty amazing. It always catches me off guard when I find writers like you on YWS. It's a lot like the older style of writing that Wordsworth used. I like that this doesn't sound like the new free verse not very complicated writing that a lot of people write now. (Unfortunately including me.)
I was wondering if this is just loosely based on the poem by Wordsworth or is it like a full on "parody"? I don't think I've read the one you based this on, so I'm not sure.
Okay, now for the review. I liked the style, but at the same time it was hard to follow. I think if I had time to reread this a couple times it would make more sense, but I'm in a hurry and don't have time. Just know that it was hard to get through. Overall, I felt like the story changed dramatically from stanza to stanza, with was hard to follow and figure out what exactly was happening. Or, was nothing happening? Is the poem just a referance to the Sleeping Train with no real plot or sequence of events, just description?
Also, there were a few times when the flow messed me up a little and I had to pause in the reading to figure out how the line was supposed to be said.
I wish I had more to say, but I really was impressed by this and therefore find it hard to find things to critique. My main complaint is just what I already said, that it was hard to follow. However, seeing as you based this on Wordsworth this could be your point, since his writing isn't always easy to follow, either.
Anyway, I hope this helped in some way.
Hello there Ben! Tucker here once again with your review, as requested
. I do recall reading this before and loving it, but not putting in a review cause it was late and I was sleepy. Anywho, I'm glad you reminded me because I have been meaning to jump back into this piece. Lets dive in now shall we?
"Bath shrouded in the riches of all the grey,"
Love the opening stanza, so much just marvelous description in there that you just can't love it! Your rhythm is solid except for here, It really throws me off when you say "of all the grey," I'm trying to think but I'm not sure how to replace it. Maybe just take out the 'all", or maybe even take out "the," or maybe both! Whatever you see fit to do.
"Tracks dip off on opposite horizon"
Really got to throw on my nit pick hat here. Just cause this piece is great and it's hard to find much of anything wrong with it, Try saying "in" instead of "on." Just sounds smoother.
"To let loose one’s imagination to the free,"
I just adore this stanza so much. So much excellent imagery and descriptions. Although this line is a little awkward with the "to the free," you could replace it with "into the wild" or even rewrite the line as: "To release one's imagination into (insert witty and creative place here)" something along those lines.
"Thus we indeed forever dream,"
The rhyme here sounds a little forced with "seen" because you're changing the natural wording here to make the line rhyme. When reading lines out loud and there is a rhyme within a line, it sounds just as good. Maybe re word this a tad. Loovvee the use of "vocation" in the last line of that stanza. Excellent job there.
"dive to a company of strangers"
Again, tiny winy nit pick, but try saying "dive into a company of strangers" just for the flow purpose of things.
"Feed from the steak and take all the adventurers took:—"
? Feed from the steak? Maybe I live under a rock but I've never heard that phrase before. Maybe use a more sensical one. Although I just adore the line after this one. Excellent writing in that regard.
Loovveee love love love LOVE the last stanza. Gosh darn near perfection there, you use your rhyming wisely and it almost never sounds out of place, it isn't expected either, but just enough to make this piece flow smooth as silk. I rarely ever give likes to poetry, but you certainly bought on off of me. This was excellently crafted and well written. I loved reading this from beginning to end, only a few minor nit picks I have to throw at you. Let me know if you ever need a review. Keep up the good work!
TuckEr EllsworTh
Hi there.
The word I would use to describe this poem is intimidating. It is intimidatingly beautiful, and intimidatingly long. I will do my best to be helpful, but you obviously know what you're doing here, and this will mostly be praise. I could never write like this.
Stanza One
I love the paint imagery here. It's lovely. Absolutely lovely. I'm not quite sure why there are "riches of the grey," though. It seems out of place among all the colors. But if I'm missing something obvious, please ignore that comment.
Stanza Two
I like the sea and the fishing theme you've got going on here. I think you should apply the same theme to your last line in the stanza. As it is, it doesn't quite fit with the rest of the stanza. Otherwise, gorgeous.
Stanza Three
This line is jarring simply because it isn't worded like the rest of your lines. It seems less mature than the rest of your lines. Perhaps try "The station stands in industrial glory." Omitting just those words would bring it into the realms of your other lines.
Stanza Four
This stanza is lovely. Except for this little bit:
The double punctuation bothers me. Move the dash to the beginning of the next line if you must keep both.
Stanza Five
I think you should omit "on" to improve the meter a bit. Also, to cut down on words.
Stanza Six
Does Britain actually have muddied sands? Or did you put that in there to match the rhyme? If I'm wrong, please correct me.
Stanza Seven
This line feels forced. It sounds too unrealistically cheery. Perhaps it's because of the exclamation point (it's my least favorite punctuation mark, and for good reason). The rest of the stanza ties the rest of the poem together nicely. It was lovely.
I hope this review was helpful in some way. I really enjoyed reading this. Happy poeting!