Young Writers Society

Wow so much feeling but don't give up ur too precious I know how you feel
So if you ever need someone to talk to just pm and ill help you as best as possible!!!

I get this heart felt poem but like that other review you do need to work on it and pay attention to every little detail

keep up the good work though !!!

Oh and i can help you if you want me too

I know this is old but oh well! I need reviews and I've had this on list of things to review so yeah.

Hello, E.E here for a possibly quick review and maybe some utter nonsense! Grim is here as well, drinking hot cocoa and being a slacker. *Grim looks over, glaring* So, lets get started. :p

SO, to start of this review, the first thing I notice is that many lines need commas. Unless you did mean to nod add commas and such. Anyways, the lines needing commas would be "My heart is out in the open", "It is really too easy to take", "I forget to keep an eye on it", "Trying to take control", "But I can’t give it what it needs", "I thought you could do that", "You ripped it out of my careless hands", "You held it for a while", "You tossed it back in my hands", "And walked away" and "Without even a glance back". Otherwise, it flowed well and I really enjoyed reading it.

Overall, I liked the poem and keep up the good work! Happy Thanks- WAIT, MERRY CHRISTMAS, I CAN SAY THAT NOW! OR HAPPY HANUKA! I really need to go now Grim has souls to reap and he needs more cocoa. He has a problem, seriously. Cheerio and fruit loops to you!

Hey Dogs here for a review!

Let me start off by saying that I really enjoyed this poem and I loved the personification of the heart.

I do think that the ending could be stronger though. I have a few suggestions below that you could use.

1) Instead of saying

And then you gave up on it

Without even a glance back

Thanks for sharing a poem that expresses concern for an endangered heart and the recrimination against a person described as having faked a concern. The poem has certain expressions that indicate personality and suggest issues not expressed directly. This provides it with a depth it would otherwise not have.

For example:

The expression that the person "gave up" on the heart seems to indicate that the heart has issues that make caring for it not so easy. Made me wonder what those issues could be that made the person walk away without glancing back.

Describing the heart as being "ripped"" from the hands indicates a very aggressive, emotionally-calloused individual. Carelessly tossing it back reinforced that impression.


I did notice a certain inconsistency:

The heart is described as unprotected despite being pulled back from the hands of grabbing strangers. Pulling it back is a protection. So there seemed to be a certain contradiction there since both seemed mutually exclusive. It's similar to saying

"I can't protect my dog but I pulled it back from those who wanted harm it.""




Suggestion:

Word economy.

Many words are unnecessary.

My heart is out in the open

It is too easy to take

I forget to keep an eye on it

I walk down the street and strangers tug on it
Trying to take control

It needs my protection
But I can’t give it what it needs

I thought you could do that

And then you gave up on it

You tossed it back in my hands
And walked away

Without even a glance back

Murphy here for a review!

I really liked this poem. I can relate to it because I have always been reckless with my heart. I have always been a hopeless romantic. Anyways, I like how personal it is and I get the sense it has a pinch of humor. The line "I forget to keep an eye on it" made me chuckle. I like that it says "strangers tug on it" because it gave me the sense that you care about people a lot. I admire that.

Time for critique! The ending I feel wasn't as strong as it could have been. I don't know if you meant for that or if you didn't know what to put there.

That's all I have for this. Overall I think it was really well done. Keep writing!

Hiya, Pentavalence here with a review.

Now, honestly, I'm not a big fan of poetry, especially prose poetry, and I can't review it that well. But I will try.

So I liked the overall personification of the heart, and I liked the message of the poem. I think the way the message is conveyed could use some work.

First off, I suggest breaking it up into stanzas. It makes the poem easier to read and allows for pauses. Punctuation might help as well, but I recognize that that's artistic license and many poets don't use it.

I also think this is a very blunt, straightforward poem. Maybe this is personal preference speaking, but I feel like this could be fleshed out a bit more. What exactly did the person do? Why did you feel they were different in the first place? Right now, it's vague and generic.


That's all I have. This could be great with some edits!

-Pen

Hey, (im new here so I'm probably not going to be great at giving you a review, but there's always a first time for everything!)
I really loved this poem, loved the message. I can feel the bleakness of the narrator's situation, by I can also sense the hurt feelings. My favourite line was "you ripped it out of my careless hands". The hurt and frustration is very clear here.
As for ways to improve, maybe you could use some punctuation to emphasise on certain words or phrases to make its effect stronger. But your use of no punctuation could also be reflective of the speaker's helplessness?
Other than that I really loved and identified with your poem. Thanks for sharing!
(Sorry if that was a crappy review).