I'm stuck where I am and there's no escape. But at least for me, trapping myself inside my head is an option. For you, your head is an even scarier place to be. You get out of it with cigs smoked out of the window into your neighbor's backyard, and weed shared between friends late at night while He sleeps. Because for all the horrors you can come up with, none of them are more terrifying than Him.
His fists on your body and his words that are sharper than the metal you used to drag through your skin. He twists everything you do into garbage, like so many lengths of wire stripped of their colorful coating and discarded with the butts of long-gone smokes.
There is no way to leave the trap that holds you tight with biting teeth because everytime you try, with fingernails ripping at the seams with only escape in mind, he beats you down and your chance is gone.
Sometimes you manage to get away for short lived periods of freedom, far away from the vile toxicity of his every look and touch. You hide in my arms, protected by my kisses and long looks of pure love. I can't rescue you, my beautiful girl, but I can keep you safe if only you stay with me.
Loving you takes my entire heart because with you in it there's not room for anything else.
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140,878 Literary Works • 673,697 Reviews
Thanks for the interesting Flash fiction concerning a woman who is in a bad relationship and the speaker who loves her offers her his love and consolation. The story includes some very beautiful expressions. Especially in the concluding part. The care that the speaker feels for this woman is conveyed very well. The desire for her to stay with him. The offer of a haven.
The woman seeks alleviation from her distress by smoking weed which she shares while the abusive companion sleeps. We aren’t told with whom she is sharing it. Neither are we told why she can’t simply leave him and go with the speaker. Something is preventing her. We are told that it his his beatings. But I find that a poor excuse for staying with an abuser. In short, I come away wondering why she just doesn’t pack up and leave with the man who loves her.
Suggestions:
I like the way the it flows and the vocabulary used except for the repetition of the expression “inside your head” "in my head” a total of three times in the same paragraph. I would try to elevate that intro in the same style as the conclusion. If those “your-head” expressions are removed, the meaning is still conveyed.
Please note that if a person has no escape, then there isn't an option. That is a contradiction that has to be removed.
Also, I would avoid using the word "scary". The word "frightening" comes across as more mature. It's like choosing "delicious" over "ÿummy" or "stomach" over "tummy".
long[-]gone smokes.
Thanks for the review, Radrook. This piece was written at a point of high frustration yesterday. It was inspired by this girl I'm involved with, her father is highly abusive.... Thank you so much for the suggestions, I'll keep them in mind when I edit this
Sorry to hear you are having trouble. Sometimes I forget that poems are not all fiction but that the poet is sometimes living what he is describing. My sincere apologies if I came across as calloused.
That's okay, i take no offense. You came across as a detailed review writer who picks up on fine details, I appreciate that.
Hey there.
This was my favorite part probably, the inclusion of what I bolded makes the emotions seem all the more real.This is amazing. The flow of your words makes it move quickly and made me want to read it again and again. It's so obviously heartfelt and raw, that I can't find enough words to praise it.
The only thing I have towards a recommendation is that a couple sentences are a bit long, which pulled me out of your work for a second.
This is one such, although I'm not sure where you might put a comma, it just felt long without any sort of proper break. Also, neighbors should have an apostrophe.
This is the other. I think either starting a new sentence between the bolded or just adding a comma would make it flow better.
Anyway, I found this to be an outstanding piece of writing and I'll have to check out the rest of your work. I hope this review is helpful to you.
Sláinte -Junel
Thank you so much for the review! I do admittedly throw in run-on sentence when I'm writing, sometimes that is on purpose. I do see that here it hinders my writing rather than adding to it, so I'll fix that when I edit