Today, the sky opened up and soaked me to my skin, but all I could think about was kissing you in the rain
The way your eyes danced with happiness when you hastily laced your fingers between mine and led me
We ran to the front door and it strained against its hinges as we pushed through
Our bare feet danced on the warm puddle spotted pavement as we charged out into the downpour
Your hands traced their way up my back as I slid my fingers through your belt loops
I pulled your hips to mine, and our lips met in a sloppy rain-flavored kiss
We stayed that way until my smile became too big to contain and my ecstatic laughter bubbled up my throat
I'd forgotten about my white shirt, and as I pulled away I realized it was completely see through
As pink blush began to creep up your cheeks, Eden yelled "GAY" from the porch and the moment was finished
Kissing you in the rain was one of the most precious things I have, and one I'll never forget
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139,773 Literary Works • 672,748 Reviews
I really enjoyed reading this piece, you have a really talented way of expressing emotions throughout the poem. The name itself is strong and intriguing, which makes me want to select the piece to read. You kept me engaged throughout the poem and created a strong image of what was happening, which made it easy to visualise and connect with the story. The lines flow well and the poem seems genuine. It is an easy piece to connect to and the emotions come out clearly. A great poem
))
You have a very artistic way of establishing a scene. Your usage of incorporating the environment and weather being perceived by the senses really help paint a mental image. The lines flow easily to help show the spur of the moment, and the ending added a surprising little twist at the end (which I'm all for, good for you). This poem sounds sincere and genuine, as if you truly wrote from the heart. I can see really see the emotion being incorporated into your wording. Overall, this is a pretty great poem.
Hey there, Autopilot !!!
This is Eros here with a review for you on this special occasion of Review Day ! Happy review say !
The title of the poem was indeed, very catchy and attractive. When I started reading it, it kept my attention engaged in the poem. That means he story has a smooth flow and the theme of the poem is also very interesting.
One suggestion, though ... Stanzas are a characteristic of the poem. Cutting the sentences short would help. If it's not possible to cut the sentences short, you can present it in a different way...
Like,
This seems more like a paragraph from a story.
If you make it like...
This would perhaps give the poem a poetic appearance, that is, make the poem look like a poem.
Rest, the choice of set of the words was awesome. I loved the way you have described the romantic moments spent with the other half. The detailed way of how you pulled the other person towards you and the kiss ... everything is explained beautifully. I felt bad when everything ended because of Eden.
I loved the piece of poetry very much. It was awesome and there was no mistake as such in it.
Awesome work. Great poetry.
Keep writing such beautiful poems and stuff and we would love to keep reading them and reviewing them !!
Have a great day / night !
~Eros.
Hi, Autopilot!! Happy Review Day!
I really enjoyed this piece; you did a wonderful job painting the specific moment, and showing what made it unique to this particular couple. My favorite image was the "sloppy rain-flavored kiss". By adding "rain-flavored" to the common/cliche phrase, you were able to give it new meaning and bring new life to the saying. I also really enjoyed the description of the door opening; it showed such lovely attention to detail.
This poem has really long lines. This is a perfectly legitimate style of poetry; Walt Whitman in particular is known for long-lined poems. However, sometimes the change from one line to the next made it feel a bit disjointed, because each line was almost a completely separate image.
Additionally, I question the necessity of the final line. The rest of the poem is so immediate, and the final line feels like looking back from a long time in the future, and it summed up the poem too succinctly, which made it lose some of its impact. The reader is already understanding that this is a precious, unforgettable moment because of the way you're describing it, so to outright say that feels intrusive. Trust the reader to understand the significance of the poem's events.
Overall, this poem's greatest strength was its use of sensory detail and specific, poignant images that makes it feel incredibly personal and unique. A wonderful poem! Thanks for sharing it!!
-tgirly,
Team Blueberry Muffins
Hey! Aley here to review you for Team BlueBerry Muffins this fine review day.
First off, I have to say that I love the way that this poem feels very action-packed. You don't waist a lot of time dwelling on emotions or thoughts in the poem, you jump right for what is happening in this narrative of a moment. I feel like you might be able to service that feeling a little more with a few suggested edits.
First off, I think you should rework the seventh stanza. Saying "we stayed that way until" seems like a bit of a copout to me. Instead of going for a soft transition like this in a poem, try a transition of emotion to add a little bit more metaphor and figurative language to the poem. You could say something with alliteration like "the rain ran us rigorously soaked before we parted" or something that's a metaphor like "I grew three lungs to breathe as we kissed" or "the rain pooled us into it's puddles" or something like that which indicates a timeframe without just stating "time passed" in the way that you have now. Spend some time with it, find something which really connects us to the feeling of the moment.
I love how you use words like "danced" but really you should try not to use the same descriptors multiple times in a single poem. It's best practice to get new ones so you have new connections and new connotations brought in. Try things like "twirled" or "skated" or "fluttered" or a thesaurus! Make sure you use the thesaurus gently though, just use it to get an idea of words you've forgotten have the same connotation, not for learning new words. Each word has it's own connotation after all.
Lastly, try to avoid some of the useless phrases you're using in here which don't advance the story and are more prose hedges and transitions. "began to creep up" is simply "a pink blush crept into" get rid of "began to" whenever you see it. This will make your writing a little more concise and generally make it more concrete feeling. Any way you can eliminate a prepositional phrase "as, of, after, before, etc." will usually make a poem better. Sometimes we like prepositional phrases for the flow, but they can be attached funny sometimes and that can make them hard to relate as a reader.
Overall, I think very little in this poem actually needs a serious critique. It has a good sound to it and while you'll probably get more of a balance between writing a scene and writing a commentary on what you're talking about with the second to last stanza as you continue to write, this is good as a scene of love.