Young Writers Society

I’m positive that I’m late to the party on this one as I meant to review this one literal weeks ago but instead I’ve left the piece sitting in my Google Drive. This is Kays here for a review--let’s begin!

I harbor a storm
it looms innocently under my skin
small at first
but intensifying with every touch
until it consumes me

can you hear the thunder in my chest?
every beat crashing louder than the last
can you see the lightening in my veins?
pulsing harder with every breath
can you hear the wind in my throat?
whirling away my words

the storm steals itself from my grasp
taking with it any sense of self control i had
it is no longer you and me
but storm clouds joining
breaking through the calm front into chaos

Hi AutoPilot!

Wow, what a great metaphorical poem! I think you did a GREAT job of keeping the metaphor fluid and relative to the big picture of the work; it can often be so easy to force the metaphor or let it fall to the wayside, but you effectively kept it front and center!

The structure of the poem was done very well, and there weren't any major stumbling blocks in my head as I read this to myself. The only comment I really have is that your intro seems a little contradictory. I really enjoy the imagery of the storm "looming under my skin," but "looming" as a word tends to have a connotation that isn't "innocent." On the contrary, if something is looming, it's generally understood that this thing is harmful, threatening, etc. - really anything *but* innocent. I would respectfully consider revising this aspect and choosing another word.

Overall, this was a great piece and I really enjoyed it. Thanks for sharing it with us!

Hi AutoPilot,

Ellie here to give you a review! I quite enjoyed this poem. I thought it was very descriptive and portrayed the central emotion very powerfully. Yet it was still simple. I honestly don't have a lot to say - it's that good.

I guess the big thing I was wondering is what the narrator is feeling. The metaphor of the storm is very effective. It's something that easily understood and relate-able, which in my opinion is the key to a good metaphor. It's clear he feels something deeply, something that fills him with a fiery passion. But we don't know what it is. We don't necessarily have to know the specifics, but we should at least get a clear sense of the emotion that the reader can latch onto.

What this made me think of most of was the song Do You Hear the People Sing from Les Miserables. Ostensibly, it is about the French Revolution, but the collective sense of anger - and it's not rage, because there's the sense of unison as well - is strong enough that the song is universal.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gYb9sRLUDyM

You've perfected the metaphor. Now, think about what the narrator is feeling to provoke it.

Hope this helps! Let me know if you have any questions.

Let me congratulate you on writing a very interesting extended metaphorical poem. I really love the imagery of lighting in the veins, thunder in the chest and wind in every breath. Sometimes one does wonder how people can't sense the storm inside us since it seems to dominate our whole perception of the moment.

Here is how I understood it. The speaker is involved in a relationship that might appear to be calm to the other person but which has provoked storm-like emotions in the speaker. What exactly these provocations are are left for the reader to imagine. They can be due to a hidden infidelity. Or any of the minute things which tend to grate o a person's nerves. But in this case it seems to be provoked by a touch. So that seems to hint at a sensual stimulus which the speaker tells us will lead to chaos.

suggestion


....[words[?]
....breath[?]
....joining[,]