Young Writers Society

Hi there Authorian I love the way you say things, in some way it sounds so reel Keep up the good werlk.

Hi Authorian! Whatcha here dropping by for a well-worth-it review!

I must mention that you used description, which I suck at, so way to go!

And, jumping right into the review . . .

I do agree with some stuff BiscuitsLeGuin said - i.e. I find the 'and' at the beginning unnecessary, and the choppy lines don't seem to agree with your suffocation effect, if that makes any sense. Longer, fewer lines would work better to add to you descriptions, as in:
(you)
and this standoff [standoff is one word] we have
is so loud
sometimes all I hear
is the memory of
your voice
reading
your text
seeing
your smile.
vs.
(edited version)
and this standoff we have is so loud sometimes all I hear
is the memory of your voice, reading your text, seeing your smile.
Does that make sense? Of course, maybe you prefer it your way, and I should point out how these are all my opinions so don't take what I say to heart.
Also, perhaps a bit more punctuation?
For example, ''staining my favourite shirt
the one we bought together
sliding down my throat''
description is great, but the first thing that comes to mind for me: how do you get a shirt down your throat? So here is a great place to add a dash, perhaps, as in, '' . . . the on we bought together -
sliding down my throat [like black ink, it sounds weird with just this part, but you get what I mean]'' And again, I would make those two lines one, but up to you.
Like BiscuitsLeGuin said (back again!) you could always go into depth as to why the silence is yet to be broke, but it's not necessary.
I know it seems like all I did here was complain and complain, but that's because I focused on stuff to fix and not stuff I absolutely LOVED - and you can be sure there was a lot of that.
Keep writing - this is a great piece of poetry.
I hope to read more by you!
~whatcha

Hey there, I'm here for my final Green Room review of the month for the Knights of the Green Room's Order of the Ravens!

The first thing I'm thinking is that you have a poem about silence but it actually doesn't read that silent. The frequent line breaks are kind of jolting which can be good when you want a sort of tumultuous feel, but where you're talking about a heavy, oppressive silence, it doesn't make that much sense for it to be so choppy.

However, the reason that I know you were going for heavy oppressive silence is because your imagery was really really good. The bit about sliding down the throat was particularly brilliant because it first off makes me think of tar because it's sliding, but also it's going down your throat which makes it sound suffocating, like it's literally going to kill you.

The only other thing I'd mention is that I don't really understand why you have "and" at the start. It doesn't really make the flow any better and is just a bit confusing. If you have a reason for that let me know and I'll think about how you could make it more effective, if you like.

Oh, and the concept of the poem was good. Definitely think you made an interesting choice there. Motives for not wanting to break the silence might be good though, since you spent so much time explaining how awful the silence is. That would make it more tragic if I could see the conflict the speaker is trapped in.

Hope this helps,
Biscuits

Hi!
Even the title of the poem told me it was going to be good one. And I wasn't disappointed. The poem is brilliant. Even the shape of it, as I can see above adds to the interest and theme of the poem.

"Breaking the silence". You have chosen a great title. So, now, to my thoughts about it!

First of all, I must congratulate you for the images employed to convey the message of that silence that need to be broken, of that relationship that needs to be healed. For example, when you say that the silence is "like thick black ink staining my favourite shirt, the one we bought together". This makes me think of good times, of something that needs to be spoken before everything is ruined, by that "thick black ink".

Also when you remember the times when you were happy and how 'desperate' you are to get back to that time, to that person. I think that was just perfect to put in the poem.

I also think its a good idea how you start the poem with "and", which is quite a unusual word to start with. How I understood it is as if there was something before that, maybe a love story?

Lastly, the ending lines, "But I won't be the one to break the silence" make a great finish to an already great poem and leaves the reader wondering whether the silence that surrounds both characters in the poem will ever be broken.

Overall, Congratulations on your poem!