We used to play in the jungle,
We'd explore for hours on end.
Our room was a ship or a dungeon,
Where we'd sit and create a fantasy.
We had our imaginary friends,
Mine Matthew - yours Rosie.
They had pets; a cat and a dog,
I don't hear them much now.
We used to imagine our futures,
Ours were always entwined.
We would travel the world in a caravan,
There were no limits to our wanderings.
I used to tell you how to act,
Who you were in our next game,
What you'd say and how you'd feel,
You always did what I said.
We were like twins, they told us,
We used to say that too.
The fourteen months didn't bother us,
Time and age can be forgotten.
I still catch glimpes of us then,
I can remember, I can laugh,
But glimpses will always be glimpses,
And that's not enough anymore.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,006 Literary Works • 672,813 Reviews
Right then, i'll give it a go . . .
Hi Aqua!
This was a sweet tribute to the childhood games; I'm pretty sure almost everyone can relate to it.
With this stanza, it feels like you're just repeating the same line three times – only building it a bit differently everytime. This isn't necessary in my opinion, because if you scratch even one of those lines (or try to fuse the first three lines into two or even one), you would have room for some emotion. Right now, it's only "I did this and you did that", but there are no motives, no feelings attached, and I think the poem could use some more of it. For example, if you took away the second line and moved the third line in its place (because I like the current third line, especially the "how you'd feel" part), you could change the current last line to be the third line – and then, you could add something like "for you knew you were weaker". Rather something better, but I just mean you could have a reason for why they always did what the narrator said. I hope I'm not confusing you too much.
Well, there weren't anything particularly wrong with this poem, but I couldn't help thinking that it would work brilliantly if you rhymed it. You know, just the basic ABCB rhyme scheme would do miracles for the poem, because right now it's more like a slightly ranting reminiscence with line breaks. I would really like to see this poem rhymed, even though I know it's easier said than done, but I think you could at least give it a try. =)
Have a nice day!
Demeter
xxx