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139,642 Literary Works • 672,638 Reviews
Hey Amy!
I miss the Space-muffin.
Here as asked. Okay, do note that poetry is not my forte. So my opinions will be purely based on the flow/transition/words used that appealed me. Hope that's 'kay.
Title/Opening line: At first, I expected it to be inclined toward the hilarious side, but the first line 'Oh comedy' reminded me a lot of the song 'Oh Gravity' and sort of prepared my head for the lines that followed. I'm not sure I really like this approach.
Though I do like repetitions, by the third stanza, I got quite bored of how 'he could come. I wanted more from this. Something that just didn't describe him with a slightly humorous combination of words. It seemed like you wanted to put in a weird description and figured this would be a good way to. I think maybe you could have touched a bit more on his emotion rather than quirkiness. I did enjoy the description but I want it do more.
Like maybe add a slight mysterious feel to it and instead of stating out that he could be 'all this and that for all we know,' try to go for a different effect.
Which is why I did like
However, as yurii pointed out, the lines border on synonymous. You could play around with a few words in your head and end it better.
In short : I loved the beginning and the end. The middle could do with some tweaking.
Hope whatever I said made sense as this is my first poetry review in a long time. It probably sucks, bu those are just my thoughts. Feel free to disagree.
Bazinga!
<3
Lava
This part seems to lose the poem's acquired rhythm. You need to fix certain parts of it, and count out the beats.
Besides that, I really liked this. I liked your topic and I think you did very well with your use of words and the overall rhythm (besides that one part, though).
Lavvi
Yooooo
I'm here to review as requested. Can I just say, your new avatar is awesome... that was the episode with James Cordon in it, wasn't it? Haha... I love Dr. Who.
Considering I didn't find any nit-picks, I'm not going to comment on any. Yuri seems to have covered, like, every nit-pick possible. As for the tenses in this, I don't think you do need to change them. I can see what you were doing and what yopu were saying. As far as I'm aware, the tenses in this are fine.
I can confidently say that this will be my most pointless review ever. Woop! I'm really not sure what to say... There isn't anything obvious when it comes to flaws or negatives. The fact that I know practically nothing about poetry doesn't help either. What I'll do is base this critique on my opinion. I'll tell you what I liked and what I didn't liek as much. I'm goign to struggle on the last one...
I have to say, I very much like the opening line. Although it's simple and plain, it's very effective. What makes it effective is the fact that it is so simple and that you've placed it on its own on one line. I've seen a few poems that begin similar to this and I've loved them all. I must really like that kind of structure or something. What I liked the best about this, I think, is the imagery in it and the way that you've actually said things. Instead of simply telling us things, you've shown them. That is always really important in a poem, if you ask me. There's nothing worse than a poem that tells and has more or less no imagery.
I really don't know what else to say... Sorry I'm being really useless. If you want more of a detailed, better review, don't hesitate to ask me to review it when you post something new. Just don't make it as good as this...
Keep writing,
xoxo Rhian
*Likes*
*swims in the ocean*
Hello AquaMarine!
Here to review.
<deleted. O_o >
Nitpicks on the way!
First off, this is just a small thing but won't it be better if "h" is in uppercase?
And second of all, I like your staring line. Your use of imagery and similes are quite good and an excellent attention grabber. Rhyming goes well in here too.
Because you used "could" in the first place, I'm thinking this poem is in past tense form,therefore, I think you should write "appeared" instead of "appear". Anyway, that's just a suggestion of mine.
This feels a bit random but it's okay, quite humorous really.
If I may be wrong, please tell so, because as with your tenses, I think you should stay being consistent with it.
I don't know but it feels that there's repetition, not exactly when it comes with your words but how you tend to use words that have quite the same meaning. Like 'entreat' is like 'solicit' 'cause I think they mean to beg or to ask for, right?
This nitpicks are entirely my opinions.
Overall:
I find this piece lovely and quite comical. You actually made me laugh a bit, so good job on that Aqua. I love your usage of good words and how you rhyme is definitely flawless. Spellings are good and as with your grammar, I think is pretty clean.
You continued to entertain me from the first word until the last one. PM me for questions.
*likes*
Keep writing!
Peace out!
~yuri
You're very welcome.
I dont really know how to comment on this.
Like honestly, it struck me in such a way that it was kind of beyond my analysis.
someone with a higher education or a better grasp on grammar and structure and whatnot would have a few things to say but really, from my perspective, this was an interesting, effective, interperative piece.
It was really good.
Like, I'm assuming it was showing a more human side to the element of comedy, either it's 'mood' or tone or whatnot, and shows it as a kind of attention hungry thing that seeks approval by laughter, and comes in many different outfits.
I dont know, like I said I'm not the most qualified person to comment on anything, BUT. I loved it, honestly.
If you have anything else you'd like looked at, drop me a line.