Sand trickles through my fingers
as time goes by.
And it soon starts to pour
as the time starts to fly.
My feet are buried,
beneath moments in the past,
I clench my fingers tighter,
trying to make it last.
Broken glass takes the place,
where my memories used to be,
Covering up my shame,
Burying my debris.
And the tide ebbs and flows,
smoothing over the cracks,
wiping away the past
and covering my tracks.
My hands are now empty,
my time has run out.
But I still don't know,
what it's all about.
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139,642 Literary Works • 672,638 Reviews
Okay, let's dive straight in!
You said "starts" twice in the first stanza, it sounds a little repetitive. Not sure about the "and" here either, it seems unnecessary.
I'm imagining so far that you're trapped inside an hourglass. I like how the sand symbolises monents in time, and in the second stanza, not just seconds, but events, it seems, and memories. You're trying to hold on to them, I suppose then they are happy moments? You could say a little more about them - what are they memories of?
The third stanza doesn't seem to flow quite so well, perhaps have a fiddle about with the line length.
In the fourth stanza again, the "and" seems unnecessary. What cracks are you talking about, cracks in the glass? Are we in an hourglass and is the sand seeping out of a crack? That's what I'm guessing, but it would be nice to be more certain. I like the "covering my tracks" part.
The last stanza is okay, no more sand in your hands, time has ran out, that's good. But the last two lines didn't do anything for me, because all of a sudden, I don't know what you're talking about. You don't know what what is all about, exactly? You've lost me, and it seems like you put that last line there for the sake of rhyming. It was good up until that point. A nice extended metaphor, it all flows pretty well. Keep writing.
Hello, Roon here, at your request! Hope some of this helps, nitpicks first:
Okay, I like the idea. I think the first rhyme is a little forced, and basically a repetition. All the other rhymes seem effortless, which is refreshing, as I usually I don’t like a set rhyme in poems. So often it’s forced and eats up the beauty of the poem, but not this time, so well done.
I like the imagery in the poem, but a lot of it isn’t explored as fully as it should be. For example, the broken glass. Why is this used? Give us a link, make us see what you mean. Without some sort of explanation, it doesn’t really work for me. I think there are a lot of images used in the poem, but I think you should use just two or three.
Well, this was a pleasure to review, as I can relate really well, thank you for posting in my wrff thread. If you ever need more reviews, you know where to find me! Thanks again!
~ Roon