I was thinking about changing this into lyrics, but it's in here because I don't know a good song composer/musician and I can't write music. Therefore it will stay a poem.
The shapes are my world,
They define my being.
Moving, shifting, changing form,
Sometimes near, occasionally fleeing.
But when they have gone,
I am left with nothing,
Just the space inbetween.
When I am alone,
and the tears run free,
then I can't work out the meaning
of the shapes around me.
And all I can reach
is the space inbetween.
It is a place to hide
where you cannot be seen.
It is numbness escape.
It is the space inbetween.
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Hello, I'm Vernon and I'll be reviewing your poem for ya. First off this came across as unfinished, nothing really solid comes from it. Let elaborate on that, by showing, through each stanza:
What shapes? I don't understand, 3D, 2D, 1D? What shapes, you begin already by confusing people, which isn't a great start, it's actually a very weak start. This whole stanza doesn't make sense.
You mind vaguing this up for me, it's not vague enough... By this I mean, still no idea what your talking about, all sounds pretty, but I'm beginning to worry you're writing like this for the sake of sounding pretty and beautiful. Prove me wrong.
What is God's green earth is the space, is it connected to Space up there, space you need, space something? What is the space. You don't even show anything nor tell, you lack structure, it's like you vomited the words out, and put them together, they don't make sense.
Okay, honestly, I think you finished this too soon, nothing explained, nothing is known after reading it, it missing the understanding, it needs something to tie it all together, you put across something, I have no idea what, and because of this, the reader get's frustrated, now my advice is think about what you're trying to put across. And try make it clearer, otherwise this just falls into the area of sounding beautiful and pretty for that sake.
Hope this helps
Good luck
VSN
Hey Aqua. Ayumi here.
Just to make you feel better, you're not the only one with problems with songs. I'm the opposite of you; I can write the music, but not the words. Don't feel too bad about it.
But your poem is beautiful. It reminds me of "My Immortal", by Evanescence. It really grabbed my attention, made me think. It actually reminds me of a problem I had once, where I became emo for a little period.
As far as breaks, rhyming, and certain words go, it's poetry. Poetry does not have to rhyme, be structurally/grammatically correct, or even make sense. Poetry is like art: it is the thoughts running through the creator's mind. Being a state art champ and enrolled in an advanced English class (where all we do is poetry), I know. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
Keep writing!
Hi! Thanks for the reviews, great to know.
Roon - I did put breaks in all the verses, then i submitted it. But when i looked back at it there were none. So I previewed and all was fine, submitted again and still no breaks! I don't understand *cries*. Thanks for the spelling tip too.
Jasmin - Thank you. By fleeing I meant leaving me, if that makes sense. No offence, but I don't think fleeting is the right word. But thank you for the kind reveiw anyway.
Aqua X
Hi.
This flows well and is fresh, and it ends effectively. My one small quibble is the word "fleeing." The rhyme here works well, but I think that it would be a little sharper if you tried "fleeting" instead. If you disagree, I'd try expanding on what exactly they're fleeing from.
Other than that, I can't see anything I'd change, and I think it's very effective as a poem.
Hope this helps.
Jas
Roon here, I really like this, I can really relate, which is what a poem needs to do! I only have one nitpick and that is the spelling of inbetween, it’s in-between, but I feel you could leave this if you wanted, it works really well!
You can’t see the gaps between verses, I assume there are verses. I think it looks a little cramped without the stanza breaks. But that is easily fixed!
Sorry this is more a mass praising than a review, but I really loved it! One criticism though, I feel you could put more emotion into it somehow, to really convey the frustration you feel. Other than that, I think it’s absolutely wonderful!
The rhyme isn’t forced at all, and I’m sure most people can relate to the topic, so well done. Thanks for posting, if you ever need another review, please let me know. This was an absolute pleasure to read, so thank you once again!
~ Roon