I thought this was great, I love the imagery in this and the message I took away from it. Awesome. I especially LOVED the first stanza.
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I thought this was great, I love the imagery in this and the message I took away from it. Awesome. I especially LOVED the first stanza.
Hey Amy! I quite liked this because it could be interpreted in different ways, and different readers can apply it to different situations and possiby relate to it, which is great. I like the kind of space theme you had running through it, like space is so vast and never-ending, that means we will never run out of places to run and there is no excuse to stop! I love the last stanza - run until you sleep, and then run some more. It sounds vaguely amusing - not too funny that it brought down the tone, but just something that made me smile. I think maybe you could say something about the motion of arms and legs in the third stanza, to further emphasise the runningness (word? xD) but apart from that, nicely done.
TheNewHero, TheLastOlympian, TheLightningThief, here to review.
Now I'm not a poet, but...
First thing I thought of was Katherine Patterson's ending to Jap. Running in the twilight and all. Very pretty. First thing before we review: What was the aim of the poem? If you know the answer to that then you can review my review.
Maybe, all we need for this poem is a backdrop? Maybe. Just, one stanza. About Life, the Universe and Everything. Then kick off.
"run ‘till you sleep" doesn't really ring Oomph! Try something less involved with literally falling unconscious, ""Run till reality fades, into dream. And even then, run in your dreams."
Now, we talked in chat too. I'm happy with the ending, and I don't know just how much this is true but, perhaps (Especially if you add a backdrop) end your poem with a line like: Sunlight, or, You've made it. Or not even that. Just a beautiful scene. The Vanilla Twilight along the rolling hills...
Anyway, that's all I could think of. I'd listen to the poet above. Looks as if she knows what she's saying. Well done, Hero out...
Amy! I'm gonna review this
Don’t stop, never stop,
keep up with the stars
follow the moons orbit,
run ‘till the sunlight fades behind you.
Stillness brings realization,
the stringing together of words,
flicking them with a heavy tongue
weighed down by long lost meanings.
Need pulling us forward
with straining muscles and
mouths scarred with weariness.
breath catching on splinters
which pull at unravelling clothes,
greedy fingers clutching
at a fading hope.
So don’t stop, never stop,
pull my hand on a journey
run ‘till you sleep
then run more in your dreams.
Never let us stop.
Hi Amy! Here is your review, as promised.
AquaMarine wrote:Don’t stop, never stop
keep up with the stars
follow the moons orbit,
run ‘till the sunlight fades behind you.
Stillness brings realization,
So don’t stop, never stop,
pull my hand on a journey
run ‘till you sleep
then run more in your dreams.
Never let us stop.
:)
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