I've been meaning to get back into writing poetry. I'm not sure whether it's a good thing or a bad thing yet. This obviously needs some work, which is why I'm posting it here! (I'm not sure about the ending, some aspects of the rhyme scheme and a few other things).
Go ahead, rip it to shreds. I'll be happy to slink back to Other Fiction.
----
Silence envelopes the music,
reminiscent of fading years;
because melodies can't make a tune,
if you aren’t around to hear.
The music doesn’t sound so sweet
when nobody is playing;
I can’t sing the words right,
I don't know what they're conveying.
I can’t string together words,
if the lyrics are going to be left
as abandoned words scattered in the air,
hanging by a thread, bereft.
Melodies aren’t beautiful,
if they're played on broken strings;
so why does my heart still skip a beat,
whenever I hear you sing?
~Amy
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Canary word: Present
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Great! I love the beauty that's deep within it.
I don't know how it could be any better. I hope you continue to write.
Well lemme say Amy...I like this. Alot. It's good since ur just getting back into writing poetry.
Hi AquaMarine,
Yeah, mos def, girl. Degrade yourself before the poem starts! That's the way to go about it!
I'm going to try to not talk too much about the atrocious punctuation that stabs this poem in the chest over and over again, and instead focus on the way you describe,
or rather, the way you don't. Let's see. "Silence envelopes the music." Okay... what? You can't expect somebody to picture this. An abstract coiling its snakeskin upon another; we can smell the oil of them rubbing together but the scent isn't nearly enough to jog our eyeballs into action. You need a comparison. You need to not rely simply on a pseudo-half-emotional tune of trying to justify nothingness with really big hand motions and pretend detachment, like a teenage nihilist. Focus on the concrete before you delve further into the ocean. What wraps its tentacles around its prey? Hummingbirds beating their wings in unison, the ensuing breeze a pied piper for the ears? A tuba, elongated note divorced from its brass, meandering through the air in a single melody of a whistle?
See the comments above. Also, the inward telescope gets old the first time you make the mistake of talking about yourself, as you egregiously did when you thought that the readers actually cared about the fact that you can't sing right and don't know whatever. It's not our job to act as your personal counselor; don't blurt out so arrogantly what you can or cannot do. "Listen to me, it's all about me! This is a metaphor attempting to tie in the personal spiritual with the nature of this poem!" Doesn't work. As a rule of thumb, don't attempt to jam yourself into a work until you have the skill of writing material that can flow without such an inclusion in the first place.
The fact that you repeat the "I" in, like, three lines row by row makes this whole ordeal even worse.
I don't know, why? Oh wait! It was a quasi-rhetorical question, riiiiiiight? Like, we're supposed to be left wondering and realizing somewhere within the bowels of our subconsious that it will never really be answered and that we have to trumpet proudly the manifestation of Keatan negative capability, riiiiiight?
No. Look, these kind of questions are most always bad. Just bad. Realize that now before you continue on to other and better works of poetry. The rhetorical question is a tool long overused and past its prime, and including it in such a sappy way as you've done above doesn't do justice to the parts of the poem that deserve to be reconciliated within the fold of your reusable material. So, don't use this kind of luring at the end of poetry. Not yet, not until you have an idea of what to do.
Overall:
While some may display a screaming fit about what I'm going to say next - I advise you to drop this poem like a hot potato and move on to something else. This kind of writing belongs in personal journals, schoolgirl diaries; by no means am I saying that such writing isn't apt, but it certainly doesn't belong among the ranks of pieces that should be refined.
Start with the imagery. Write about something, describe it, compare and contrast it with other known quantities in your life so that you can triangulate its image (subjective as it may be for the general reader) and project that into your mind. Then use this concept to tie in with a story, for every poem needs a backbone on which to walk. Imagery alone won't cut it, but it will help forge a path out of the wilderness.
Hope that helped,
Galerius
Amy! Poetry...oh my. You've been out for awhile in that section, eh? Well...it doesn't show, Aqua-a-nator. Nope.
This is a really good poem in my opinion, I actually liked it alot, especially the last stanza or two. It's so nicely written, Amy. So, there are some places where the words just don't fit, like Classy and Hope pointed out.
Well, tata, Aqua! And keep writing--both poetry and fiction.
-Mizzzzle
Okay Amy, I'm doing it!
. You work both with Other Fiction, and Poetry, which I am jealous of, I can't do poetry to save my life.
So all and all it's a pretty good poem, I like it. It wasn't all that bad for being a rhyming poem
I'm in agreement with Classy about the last line, some thing's off.
Anyway, good job, sorry it was so short, my head is killing me, and I need to go sleep.
~Hope
That was really pretty. I love your rhyming, you're really good with keeping the meter straight, and it's nice to not have to correct you on that. Actually, I think everyone else caught all the things I was going to nitpick! Awesome poem.
--Dreamy115
Goodness Aqua! I think you belong in poetry; this really moved me.
I know you are trying to rhyme the playing and the conveying, but this just sounds so off. I highly suggest adding an 'it' to the end of the underlined line. It would flow better. Maybe find something to put on the last line instead of conveying. Those two lines just threw me off and disrupted my enjoyment... haha.
The last line has too few syllables or something. I think the last line would sound better written something like: "Whenever your voice would sing," or something like that.
Don't change your poem, though, if my suggestions sound idiotic.
I really liked it, the theme was beautiful.
Classy
I must tell you how much I adore that poem. You're such a beautiful writer and I think you should stick with poetry. I've posted some poetry but it isn't near as poignantly touching as yours was to me. Sorry, I don't have much to critique. The only thing I could possibly think of is playing around with the ending a little bit to make it flow better. Please don't change it because the ending was like my favorite part! I'm just saying that you may want to throw some different words around. But, then again, I think it would be perfect if you left it as it is
#BF4000 ">Yello Amy!
Any'oo, I'm not too good at poetry myself, but I'll give you an idea of what I think! XD
Here as requested
#BF4000 ">So, so!
I know what I've said isn't really that helpful for improvement but like I said, I'm not fab with it, but I have to say I feel better now I've read your poetry and I think you've got a natural nack for it. You're rhythm and rhyme feel right when read aloud which is always a poetry plus-point for me and I think the images you've portrayed are beautifully effective. I've also managed to decipher my own personal interpretations to the meanings of your poem and any poet that manages that is truly fab!
Loved this! Write more!
Woo-hoo!
Ben.
Ammieyaz,
Did all of the critiques make you want to write more?
It's fabulous to read some of your poetry again! You've improved.
Hm, I like what you're saying here, and I understand it, but something in the execution of this is coming off in my head as not so spectacular, dear. I think, hm, is it "dominates"? I'm can't place my finger on it, but something about the first two lines is too sharp for the last two lines, dear, so it's a little hard to catch the drift of.
I'd close the second line with a semicolon and kill "and" of the third line. Also, this is where I first noticed the rhyme -- good job on subtlety in the first stanza-- and I think the last line is pushing it; sounds a little forced to me, dearie, so I'd reconstruct it so that it's a line that actually matters alone, you know? And not reinforces what a previous line is implying.
Don't worry so much about rhyme when you write, focus on message! Also, I think instead of using a semicolon to end that line, I'd drop it and put "as" before abandoned and change scatter to scattered.
The last line seems like it was placed for the sake of rhyme, and you should work on making it more uniform to the poem, so that we don't get that gist.
Cute.
Also, I think "if we" sounds a little... I don't know the right word, but, you know, it's hard to explain, haha, I think it shouldn't be a direct personal or inclusive message, so I think this would sound better if it were "if played on broken strings"? Just my opinion.
Good job here, Ames. Write more poetry! I demandz it.
Keep rocking,
June