Young Writers Society

fantastic aqua!
i really don't think it could have been better....
i really liked the last verse... lovely!

Here as promised! Sorry about the delay.

First of all, I like your rhyme scheme; and that's pretty rare for me, so good job =) I think it gave this poem a nice rhythm, and there weren't any places that I could tell you only picked a word because it rhymed. There was one spot though I definitely noticed that rhythm got interrupted. These lines:
"A cloud fermenting,
In the darkened sky,
Taking a new direction;
Secret, knowledge, lie."
At the 3'rd line the semi-colon makes a stop right in the middle of what feels like it should be a long phrase. I think that's because it should actually be a colon, right? "Taking a new direction [which is] secret, knowledge, lie" right?

"Soon, the rain starts,
Just a drizzle at first,
Too soon it’s a flood,
So many are immersed." I kind of want to quick talk about how I interpreted this stanza. The rain, and the flood, they're like the lie, right? How it's spreading, and growing, and affecting lots of people? That's how I interpreted it, anyway.

"Feeding off temptation,
Enticement; allure,
Don’t worry. Do tell.
Your secret’s secure." Here again I have to address punctuation. Sorry. =) 'Feeding off temptation, enticement; allure, Don't worry.' I think how you meant it to be read was: "Feeding off temptation, enticement, allure; Don't worry..." ammiright?


"And at the beginning, <-- at the beginning? I don't really understand why you say the betrayal happened at the beginning. Is it the betrayal of the secret? And... the beginning of what?
A girl is betrayed. [no period]
With tears on her face,
And in her back; a blade" [semi-colon should be a colon ':' or you could just nix punctuation there completely]

I like the direction your poem was going in the beginning. You start out with that small whispered secret and through the following couple stanzas it feels like the poem is growing in intensity, like a story coming to it's climax. I like the *sound* of the last verse, it flows nicely just like the others; I was just confused by the word 'beginning'.
I think it might be good to give some hint of what kind of secret it is, or who told it, or who's supposed to be keeping it and what their alterior motives are. I feel like I have just the framework here and I want more of the emotions, and the reasoning behind what's going on. The background of the story, if you will.

Good job, though, and I hope this was helpful. =) Anytime you want a poetry review, feel free to send me a message!

-Adna

Lovely! Just lovely Aqua!
This poem had such beautiful imagery! I adored it.

A planted seed,
A trail of doubt,
A whispered secret
That was never let out.

A cloud fermenting,
In the darkened sky,
Taking a new direction;
Secret, knowledge, lie.

Soon, the rain starts,
Just a drizzle at first,
Too soon it’s a flood,
So many are immersed.

Feeding off temptation,
Enticement; allure,
Don’t worry. Do tell.
Your secret’s secure.

And at the beginning,
A girl is betrayed.
With tears on her face,
And in her back; a blade

Awe, lovely poem! Or really, it's quite a tragic poem but you've executed it quite stunningly.

I love what you've done to this line:

Secret, knowledge, lie

And at the beginning,
A girl is betrayed.
With tears on her face,
And in behind? her back; a blade

This is a really good poem.

This has to be my favorite verse:

AquaMarine wrote:Soon, the rain starts,
Just a drizzle at first,
Too soon it’s a flood,
So many are immersed.