This was my entry for the poetry competition. Now, I know it's not up to the standards that others were, and it might be a poor effort. But I'm not to good at free-form poetry - this is my type of poem. So, I would like to see what people think and try to improve it.
A planted seed,
A trail of doubt,
A whispered secret
That was never let out.
A cloud fermenting,
In the darkened sky,
Taking a new direction;
Secret, knowledge, lie.
Soon, the rain starts,
Just a drizzle at first,
Too soon it’s a flood,
So many are immersed.
Feeding off temptation,
Enticement; allure,
Don’t worry. Do tell.
Your secret’s secure.
And at the beginning,
A girl is betrayed.
With tears on her face,
And in her back; a blade
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,006 Literary Works • 672,813 Reviews
fantastic aqua!
i really don't think it could have been better....
i really liked the last verse... lovely!
Here as promised! Sorry about the delay.
First of all, I like your rhyme scheme; and that's pretty rare for me, so good job =) I think it gave this poem a nice rhythm, and there weren't any places that I could tell you only picked a word because it rhymed. There was one spot though I definitely noticed that rhythm got interrupted. These lines:
"A cloud fermenting,
In the darkened sky,
Taking a new direction;
Secret, knowledge, lie."
At the 3'rd line the semi-colon makes a stop right in the middle of what feels like it should be a long phrase. I think that's because it should actually be a colon, right? "Taking a new direction [which is] secret, knowledge, lie" right?
"Soon, the rain starts,
Just a drizzle at first,
Too soon it’s a flood,
So many are immersed." I kind of want to quick talk about how I interpreted this stanza. The rain, and the flood, they're like the lie, right? How it's spreading, and growing, and affecting lots of people? That's how I interpreted it, anyway.
"Feeding off temptation,
Enticement; allure,
Don’t worry. Do tell.
Your secret’s secure." Here again I have to address punctuation. Sorry. =) 'Feeding off temptation, enticement; allure, Don't worry.' I think how you meant it to be read was: "Feeding off temptation, enticement, allure; Don't worry..." ammiright?
"And at the beginning, <-- at the beginning? I don't really understand why you say the betrayal happened at the beginning. Is it the betrayal of the secret? And... the beginning of what?
A girl is betrayed. [no period]
With tears on her face,
And in her back; a blade" [semi-colon should be a colon ':' or you could just nix punctuation there completely]
I like the direction your poem was going in the beginning. You start out with that small whispered secret and through the following couple stanzas it feels like the poem is growing in intensity, like a story coming to it's climax. I like the *sound* of the last verse, it flows nicely just like the others; I was just confused by the word 'beginning'.
I think it might be good to give some hint of what kind of secret it is, or who told it, or who's supposed to be keeping it and what their alterior motives are. I feel like I have just the framework here and I want more of the emotions, and the reasoning behind what's going on. The background of the story, if you will.
Good job, though, and I hope this was helpful. =) Anytime you want a poetry review, feel free to send me a message!
-Adna
Lovely! Just lovely Aqua!
This poem had such beautiful imagery! I adored it.
This was a great way to start off the poem. A planted seed is something new, that is to grow and develop. I don't know if it was intentional but it had a wonderful effect.
This one is nice too, it suggests something is going to happen. I love how this works. The wording is nice too.
I feel the last line has one syllable too many. I suggest to remove the "so" from the last line. It's just a suggestion to fix up the flow.
This was my favourite part. It's just so beautifully worded. I love it.
The last line seems too blunt and choppy for me but it still works. one thing is that it would have been nice to mention the end since you're poem worked in part. The seed = a beginning, a storm =something coming etc.
It works so nicely that if you mention the beginning at the end it is sort of dissapointing to someone who has noticed this.
Overall. This is an absolutely lovely poem!
You did a fantastic job and congrats on that!
Hope this was helpful too you.
Kamas
Awe, lovely poem! Or really, it's quite a tragic poem but you've executed it quite stunningly.
because you've pretty much condensed the whole process down to three words.I love what you've done to this line:
Just one small issue that I had:
At the beginning? Don't you mean in the end? *scratches head*
As for the blade. I first read it, and I'm thinking she's holding a blade behind her back to get revenge? A great ending!
But as I thought more about your usage of 'in' I kept thinking, perhaps you meant that the blade was literally 'in' her back-- in that case I would change it to 'through' her back. But if the blade went through her back, that wouldn't be a bad ending either. It would be symbolic with the phrase "backstabbed" and would also contribute to the story because she caused suicide.
So which ending is it?
Either way, nice work!
~ Audy
This is a really good poem.
This has to be my favorite verse: