z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone Language

Wis-per Chapters 6-7

by Anma


Chapter 6

Lillian had slipped her dress on and put her high heeled boots on ready to go. She waited on the couch by the front door for Molly. She had the crystal in her hand, she couldn’t seem to let it go. It was like a unique charm whenever Lillian put it down; it was like it called for her to pick it back up. The doorbell rang, and Lillian jumped from it “Lillian!” Breann called.

“Got it!” she yelled back putting the rock in her purse.

She opened it to see Molly’s smiling face, beside her was Crystien.

“Lillian!” She said throwing her arms out to hug her.

“Hi,” she said in a squished voice, hugging her back.

Molly pulled back patting her hair down “you look beautiful in that dress” she said.

Lillian cheeks flushed “you think?”.

She looked down to her blue dress, with floral lacing on it. Breann had got it when she was out getting more pills for Lillian. She said she thought it would look good for the party. It was long on Lillian, it went down to her calves.

“Of course, you look wonderful” Molly smiled taking her hand.

“Now let's go, we’ve wasted enough time blabbering.”

She pulled Lillian out of the doorway, “I’m leaving Aunt Breann! See you for dinner!”.

The door closed on her face, and they were getting in the car.

The party was big when we showed up at Crystein’s house. It's not really a surprise, she had a big house. Her parents were wealthy, one of the richest in town. Lights shot around when they got into the big, wooden floored living room. The windows stretched wide, and you could see the views of the houses around you. Its really a pretty sight, Lillian had no idea how many times she wished she could move in with her. It was Crystein’s 19th birthday party. Apparently, she wanted the whole entire block to know.

Molly smiled at her as they walked into the kitchen “did you see him!” Molly asked.

Lillian looked at her confused “who?”.

“Goerge Wallfeard, apparently his the new boy at school.”

Crysteine laughed “more like the new hotty in town,” she said with a smirk.

She set a bag down that they brought in from the car. Lillian didn’t know exactly what was in there.

“Crysteine!” it was Michael who walked in. He draped his arm on her shoulder kissing her cheek.

“Eww!” Molly exclaimed pushing him, “I’d prefer not to see that.”

Lillian laughed “hello Michal” Michal looked at her smiling.

“Hey, hows my Lilly doing,” he said scruffing her hair up.

“Good” she replied fixing it back up.

He looked back at Crysteine and Molly “ Jack said he couldn’t make it. Apparently, he had (Quote) car emergency”.

“Well that sucks for him,” Molly said tugging at Lillian's sleeve “ if you don’t mind we're going to find us dancing partners.”

Lillian followed her back int the crowded living room, Molly paused by the entryway looking around. When her eyes stooped a smirk played on her lips.

“Cmon,” she said pointing forward to a group of boys.

Chapter 7

They were all wearing black clothing and leather jackets. They were obviously in some biking club. When they got closer, Lillian could figure out what age they were. About twenty or so, Lillian felt like throwing up. She really didn’t understand Molly sometimes, she always seemed to be going after the older guys. Lillian stopped, and Molly looked back at her.

“Are you sure about this? They seem a little, oh I don’t know, old.”

Molly seemed to frown at the last word “ Their not old, there older.”

“Still,” Molly said, “Just relax, watch they won't do anything.”

Molly released her grip on Lillian's sleeve, she walked up to one of the guys taping his shoulder. He turned around, and greeted her with a smile, he seemed to say something funny cause Molly laughed.

Lillian stepped forward to join her, but someone grabbed her shoulder “don’t.”

Lillian felt the tickle of air on her neck. Her skin tingled, the grip removed on her shoulder. She looked back and saw a boy, about her age. He wore the same clothes as the other ones, but his dark brown hair pulled off the rest of the blondes.

Her eyes looked at him weirdly “I’m Hadley” he said holding out his hand.

Lillian took it “Lillian” He smiled a light smile that’s seemed to bring out his blue eyes.

“Would you like to dance?” he said, Lillian's heart seemed to skip a beat. Did he just ask me to dance? She blushed.

Say no a voice said in her head. Lillian jumped, looking around startled.

“You okay?”Hadley said gripping her hand more tightly. She didn’t notice that he still had a hold of her hand “uh, ya just, I need a drink of water.”

She dropped his hand pushing through the crowd to the nearest bathroom and hurled. What's wrong with me? She asked herself.


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User avatar
206 Reviews


Points: 8788
Reviews: 206

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Fri Apr 12, 2019 1:18 am
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Honora wrote a review...



Hey there Anma! I didn't even realize this was out! Sorry about that!
This one is just as good as the last ones. (Just so ya know, I hope Hadley sticks around cuz he seems cute ;))
Anyway, so I have a few things to point out. First of all, your dialogue. You separate your charatcers speach too much. For example,

"Molly seemed to frown at the last word “ Their not old, there older.”

“Still,” Molly said, “Just relax, watch they won't do anything.”

These were both Molly talking so they shouldn't be separated like that. It just makes it confusing. When I'm reading and I go to the next line, I expect it to be a different character so when it isn't, I kind of stumble and have to THINK about WHO is talking. That shouldn't happen because it can scare your readers away. (Don't worry, I'm not going anywhere ;))

There were some spelling mistakes and grammar errors so be careful on those!

Other than that, it was great! I'm intrigued by this voice in her head who I am guessing is the boy with magic lol. You and I have similar ideas lol. Especially since Zander, my vampire, is talking to Katie lol.

Anyway, good job!!
Your friend,
Honora




Anma says...


He will! But he's a bad boy... Just to warn you ;)



Honora says...


Bad boys are the best! XD in fiction at least lol ;)



Anma says...


Lol!



Anma says...


I think boys like that are to attracted to me. There all over the place I swear! I mean I like them but sometimes I don't.. Lol



Honora says...


XD they are attractive but annoyingly arrogant most of the time



Anma says...


Exactly and a word I can't say... But you get what I mean.



Honora says...


Lol I get ya ;)



Honora says...


Lol I get ya ;)



User avatar


Points: 189
Reviews: 2

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Tue Apr 09, 2019 3:13 pm
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Soren says...



This is so cool iv'e read you other chapters to this and i have to say its really good!!




Anma says...


Thank You!



Soren says...


Your so welcome!



Anma says...


:)



Anma says...


:)



Anma says...


:)



Anma says...


:)



Anma says...


:)



User avatar
235 Reviews


Points: 6841
Reviews: 235

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Tue Apr 09, 2019 9:45 am
4revgreen wrote a review...



Hey, Che here for a review!

Of course, as always, I will start by pointing out areas that need improving!

It was like a unique charm whenever Lillian put it down; it was like it called for her to pick it back up.

This would make more sense if you moved the semi colon to after "charm" and then just have a comma after "down"

The doorbell rang, and Lillian jumped from it “Lillian!” Breann called.

It would make more sense to say "and it made Lillian jump." then the speech should be on a new line.

"Got it!” she yelled back putting the rock in her purse

I think you meant "she yelled, putting the rock back into her purse"

She opened it to see Molly’s smiling face, beside her was Crystien.

To make it clear what you are talking about, I would say "She opened the door"

The door closed on her face, and they were getting in the car.

I would say "The door closed on their faces, and they got into the car"

The party was big when we showed up at Crystein’s house.

I think you meant "they" not "we"

“hello Michal” Michal looked at her smiling.

previously you spelled it as "Michael"

“ Their not old, there older.”

Both "their" and "there" should actually be "They're" as it's the contraction of "they are"

she walked up to one of the guys taping his shoulder.

I would change this to "She walked over to one of the guys and tapped him on his shoulder"

Another I noticed is that you don't put capital letter for the beginning of speech, when you ought to!

Anyway, the story really seems to be progressing. You had some lovely description in here, and the characters just seemed so alive! If you take into account all my little ideas for improvements, this story is going to be amazing! Not that it isn't already, though :-)

Keep writing!

Regards, Che :-)





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