“Wis-per?” Lillian asked taking her heals off. The grass felt soft under her bare feet. The smooth blades tickling her, she smiled. The boy's hand was still in hers, he dropped it.
“Yes,” he said starting to walk.
Lillian followed after him, “were on the first moon, wis-per. It's tough to explain everything to you right now. That’s why we have Bella, she can explain it to you when we get to the castle.”
“Castle?” Lillian gaped from behind him.
This is already beginning to be too much to take in.
“What's your name?” she asked, “you never told me.”
He smiled back at her, “you never asked” he said.
Shivers went down Lillian’s back, and she could tell she was blushing from the comment. She never once when they saw each other ask of his name. Were was my manners she asked herself.
“Well, I am now,” she said folding her arms over her chest.
The boy sighed, “its Roman” he said.
“That’s a nice name,” she said looking forward.
They crossed the field onto a rocky road. Ahead was a gray bricked castle, some of them stood out white.
“Is that it?” Lillian asked pointing to the castle.
“No” he said, “that’s just the beggening of the city.”
*************************************************************************************
Hadley slamed his fist on the wodeen table, his hole team watching him.
“Danmet” he said again.
They let the girl get away, and know they were going to pay for it. Hadley had sent troops to go look for her after the party, but she was gone.
“Could she had gone to Wis-per already?” one of the girls asked.
Her dark red hair draped down her shoulders. Now that’s the type of girl Hadley would feast on. Too bad, she was already a vampire.
“Possibly,” he said looking away from her. “I couldn’t quite hear what she said doing the spell. But we know if she found it in a book it wouldn’t be any from here.”
Hadley moved from around the table looking at the map on the wall. Red sharpy marked it everywhere in town except by the forest.
“Has anyone checked here yet?” he asked pointing to it.
He looked at them all, one of the guys opened his mouth.
“No,” he said, “Jonah went there a while ago, but he hasn’t come back.”
*************************************************************************************
Thei set the large vampire body on an empty chair. She tied him to it using the last of her rubber. At least she had some when she magically ended up here from the demon fire. She knocked the vampire out cold when she saw him walking toward her cottage.
Thei shook off her black gloves from her slippery fingers. She sat down at the table looking at her gloab. She’d been trying to get back home enteral she noticed that more and more demons were passing the seal.
Same with other fantasy creatures, she picked up the cold glob and looked into it carefully. Thei still hadn’t gotten any response from her mother yet. That meant that there is some bad news.
End of chapter
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141,425 Literary Works • 674,403 Reviews
Hi, Anma! Just dropping in for a quick review. I haven't read any of the previous chapters of this, so apologies if I miss details, but I thought it was about time someone gave you a second critique. I'll try to make this as helpful as I can.
(Note: small corrections to spelling/grammar will be shown in blue.)
I think you mean 'heels' here!
It's pretty hard to tell who's supposed to be speaking here. I'm guessing that the first bit of dialogue comes from Lillian, seeing as the boy was the one to speak before her. But the 'castle?' dialogue looks like it comes from Lillian as well, because you mention her on the same line. If the boy was the one to say that bit of dialogue - and I'm assuming he must have been, otherwise the conversation makes no sense - then make sure you put a dialogue tag (e.g. 'he said') to clarify that.
For who? The boy or Lillian? The chapter seems to have been framed from Lillian's perspective so far, so it feels like you're talking about her, but it would make more sense if you were talking about the boy, at least as far as I can glean.
Okay, I am...officially lost. If the boy is called Roman, who is Wis-per? I thought the girl was calling him Wis-per. Even though I've come into this story late, I should still be able to follow the trajectory of the scene and have a general idea of what's going on. As it is, I'm finding it incredibly difficult to keep track of who is talking, who is explaining what to who, and what's actually happening. I think it might stem from the fact that you don't always start a new line after dialogue, which means that I often think somebody else is speaking when they aren't.
So far, I'm guessing that the boy is actually the one taking Lillian to the castle, even though that's the opposite of my initial assumptions. Is Lillian also Wis-per? It's not very easy to tell. The main takeaway from this is that you need to work on clarifying who is speaking at any given time. Dialogue tags are your friend.
Oh, so Wis-per is a place. It's the moon they're on. Okay, that makes things slightly clearer.
Okay, I'm going to call my more specific comments here because most of my remaining critiques are more general. My biggest concern for this piece is how difficult it is to follow. Yes, I have come into this very late, so I would expect to be a little confused and uncertain about who everyone is. However, chapters should still be relatively easy to follow, even without wider context.
As I've mentioned, part of the confusion comes from the fact that, at times, it's hard to tell who's talking. I also think that pacing is a big part of this - this chapter is only a little over 500 words, but it has three separate scenes in it. This means that you chop between point-of-view characters incredibly quickly, giving us no time to settle into one perspective before you move onto the next. Naturally, this makes it a bit difficult to keep up with what's happening.
Personally, I think this chapter would be much clearer and more enjoyable if you gave your scenes more room to breathe. Take a bit more time to develop what's happening. Describe the setting, as well - there is very little description in this chapter, which meant I didn't really have a sense of where the characters were. If you dedicated a bit more time to description, it probably would've been immediately clear to me that Wis-per was a place, not a person.
In terms of the positives, though, I think the underlying idea of this is pretty interesting. Lillian has clearly been taken somewhere without understanding why, and by the looks of it, vampires are pursuing her, so we have clear tension in the narrative. Thei seems to be some kind of vampire hunter, though I don't know if she's a friend or foe of Lillian. Either way, I do love stories that have lots of different POV characters whose stories run alongside each other, so you're onto a winner with that. If you slow down, lengthen your scenes, and spend more time painting a picture of each setting, the concept could really shine.
Keep writing!
~Pan
Hey Anma! I'm really sorry I haven't reviewed this before now! I've just been really busy!
Anyway, review time!
In the first paragraph, "The boy's hand was still in hers, he dropped it." This sounds a bit awkward. Try to smooth it out a bit. For example"
"The boy's hand was still in hers but as soon as he noticed, he dropped it away."
You don't have to but consider it at least.
There are quite a few spelling mistakes that I think you just overlooked so just go back and reread.
"This is already beginning to be too much to take in."
Here you changed the tense. It should be [was] instead of "is."
Other than that it was really good! I am really interested and I want to know more about this Hadley guy. Idk why but he seems like a cool bad guy! I like Roman's humor though! Keep that up because it's a nice touch to the story!
Your friend,
Honora