Chapter 1 Wis-per

Greetings!

Artsy here for a review. Okay, so this is a nice chapter! I like how this mysterious boy just enters her house, lol. That was pretty funny. And why did he tell her to not go to school tomorrow? Who is this boy? So many questions! Alright, so just two things I'd like to tell you. You wrote: thy. But its actually supposed to be: thigh. Also, in one sentence, you capitalized the word: straight. It doesn't need to be. That's it. Overall, good job and I'd love to see much more from you soon!

I really like the first chapter of this story!

The beginning was a bit confusing, I felt like the tenses were all mixed up. it seemed like it should be past-tense, but then all of the sudden it was present-tense? Maybe I just read it wrong. Anyways, I really liked this chapter, especially the part where Lillian's chucking books at his head.

-Gnomish

Hi Anma!

I'm here to give you a short review. Hope you're doing well today or tonight. Well, anyways, this was great! I can't wait to see what happens next! I like that last part where Mysterious Boy make her get blacked out. Was that magic? Who was the boy? Why can't she go to school? So many questions! Haha, anyways, there were a few stuff that I'd like to point out.

Lillian grabbed the closest object, a book throwing it Straight at his head.

His knees painfully dug into her thy.

Hi, Anma. My name is Papillote, I’m going to review your first chapter. It’s supposed to be a constructive critic of your work, so please, don’t take anything I write personally.
First, a word of advice regarding the title. You really should start out with at least a WIP title, it would make your new chapters easier to spot amongst all the new posts. Plus, by the time we know enough about your story to help you find a title, chances are good that we will have forgotten all about your request.

Now, about the way this chapter is written. I get that you’re trying to ratchet up the tension, but you need to work on the way you structure your sentences and paragraphs. Take your first paragraph for example. You shouldn’t switch from your main protagonist’s POV to a general narrator. You create tension, emotion, fear by making us feel trapped inside your character.
First sentence: “It was 1:56 when Lillian woke up to the sound of glass shattering.”
How does she know the time? You lose steam with this switch of POVs. It would have been much more powerful if you had written something like “Lillian woke up to the sound of glass shattering. She pried her eyes open, turned her head, saw the time. ‘1:56’ They blinked at her – the red-on-black numbers.”
Action verbs have more power when you isolate them in a sentence. Plus, be careful: Lillian stands up twice in the same paragraph. Also, you sometimes write “Lillian” and sometimes “Lilian”.
Big reveals also have more power when you isolate them in a paragraph. In the same paragraph, Lillian is startled awake, and she finds a stranger in her living space: that dilutes each fact’s shock value.

You also switch between past and present times. The worst sentence is “Lillian ran into her room and throw herself under her covers.” It’s particularly glaring because you use past and present tenses in the same sentence.

Careful, when you have your main protagonist talking to herself. The entire thought should be in italics.

I could make other comments but, really, those are the main ones. I hope this is helpful. Good luck.

Hello, FlamingPhoenix here with a short review for you and a few tips, on this lovely day.

Let's get to it.

So I'm going to start off by saying I don't really know what we could call this book yet, I don't really know enough about it so far, but I can give you some tips to help you come up with a name. What I do is think about what the book is about then I come up with a name that fits it best. Or you can write a little more of your story and see if something comes to you. That's what i do, and it works. So you might want to give it a go, and see what happens.

I really like how you started your book, it got me hooked right away, and I'm glad you finished the chapter so i could read the rest. It was really fun to see what the boy did to Lillian, I can just guess how mad she was with him. So that gave me a good laugh.
It also liked it that you gave a boy a small description, so if Lillian meats someone later who looks like him it will be really interesting to read how she will react.
I do wish you had told us what the house looked like, but I guess we ddin't really have time to go into that, so maybe the next chapter.
What I'm trying to say is that you have done a really good job here, and I do hope you keep writing this book and i will get to see the next chapter soon, so I don't have t be kept on this cliffhanger anymore. XD. I hope you have a great day/night.

Your friend
FlamingPhoenix.
Reviewing with a fiery passion.

Well, I commented on this already at the club but I'll review it here!
From what I can tell, your main issue isn't that big of a problem. You really just need to watch on your grammar and spelling. I'll point out a few so you get what I'm meaning
"Lilian gasped steeping backward her hand to her mouth." That was what you wrote. "Steeping" should be stepping. Like I said, it's not a huge deal but just be careful because there are quite a few of them throughout this already.
There are some in between the last one and this one but I'm just jumping around " “Good,” he said “then don’t do it anyways” he let go of her swinging his wait of her."
If it was me, I would have written it something like this:
"Good[,] he said[,] "then don't go anyways[.]" He let go of her, swinging himself off her.
What you wrote didn't actually make sense now that I'm really looking at it so maybe fix that up a bit.
Don't take any of this if you don't want to. It's your book and I promise I'm not trying to write it for you! You did a pretty good job so good on you!
Your friend,
Honora