Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Novel / Chapter » Fantasy

E - Everyone

Chapter 1 Wis-per

by Anma


Before you get started i do want to say i might not keep the tittle i have now, so if you have any ideas id love to hear them.

Chapter 1

It was 1:56 when Lillian woke up to the sound of glass shattering. She pried her heavy eyes open and stood up. No one was here except for her. Aunt Breann was at the shelter working, and well no one else lived here. Lilian stood up and walked to the door. She opened it slowly and quietly and walked through the hall into the living room. A young man was kneeling by one of their side tables picking up shards of her aunt's pot. Lilian gasped steeping backward her hand to her mouth. The boy looked up at her with brilliant, shining gold eyes.

He held out his hand, “Sh, it's okay I’m not here to hurt you.”

Lilian turned around and ran, the boy yelled after her “wait!”

Lillian ran into her room and throw herself under her covers. Stupid girl, why did I go into my room?!? She heard the boy’s footstep stop by the open door. She flinched closing her eyes, what’s he going to do now??

The boy threw off the covers, she let out a scream. Lillian grabbed the closest object, a book throwing it Straight at his head. He ducked, backing away, as she grabbed for another one. Lillian continued throwing whatever she could get a hold of. She was about to get away when he tackled her to the ground. He had both of her wrists in his hand. His knees painfully dug into her thy.

“Are you done yet? Or are you still going to make your room a mess?”

Lillian spat “No,” she was pretty mad unlike him.

His face seemed calm, and his eyes were like a thick black hole of sorrow. His blonde hair that was about down to his cheeks hung over her. He sighed nodding his head slowly.

“Don’t go to school tomorrow, whatever you do just don’t.”

Lillian looked up at him confused “Why? I don’t even have school tomorrow?” More like Why am I even telling him this?

“Good,” he said “then don’t do it anyways” he let go of her, swinging his weight off her.

That was a mistake she thought, she came at him, but he grabbed her by the waist covering her eyes.

“Sleep, sleep, sleep ange” Lillian blacked out falling into his arms.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
5 Reviews


Points: 270
Reviews: 5

Donate
Fri May 24, 2019 9:08 pm
View Likes
LavaBlossom wrote a review...



Greetings!

Artsy here for a review. Okay, so this is a nice chapter! I like how this mysterious boy just enters her house, lol. That was pretty funny. And why did he tell her to not go to school tomorrow? Who is this boy? So many questions! Alright, so just two things I'd like to tell you. You wrote: thy. But its actually supposed to be: thigh. Also, in one sentence, you capitalized the word: straight. It doesn't need to be. That's it. Overall, good job and I'd love to see much more from you soon!

~Artsy~




Anma says...


Thanks



User avatar
107 Reviews


Points: 1690
Reviews: 107

Donate
Sun Apr 28, 2019 7:17 pm
View Likes
Gnomish wrote a review...



I really like the first chapter of this story!

The beginning was a bit confusing, I felt like the tenses were all mixed up. it seemed like it should be past-tense, but then all of the sudden it was present-tense? Maybe I just read it wrong. Anyways, I really liked this chapter, especially the part where Lillian's chucking books at his head.

-Gnomish




Anma says...


Lol thx, I think I might have mixed it up on accident.. woops



User avatar
431 Reviews


Points: 13818
Reviews: 431

Donate
Fri Apr 12, 2019 4:13 pm
View Likes
Liberty wrote a review...



Hi Anma!

I'm here to give you a short review. Hope you're doing well today or tonight. Well, anyways, this was great! I can't wait to see what happens next! I like that last part where Mysterious Boy make her get blacked out. Was that magic? Who was the boy? Why can't she go to school? So many questions! Haha, anyways, there were a few stuff that I'd like to point out.

Lillian grabbed the closest object, a book throwing it Straight at his head.


The italicized word does not need to be capitalized.

His knees painfully dug into her thy.


The italicized word is supposed to be spelt like this: thigh Okay, that's it! I'm moving onto the next chapter...

And as always...

Keep on writing!

~Liberty500




Anma says...


Thank you!



Liberty says...


No problem! :D



User avatar
126 Reviews


Points: 144
Reviews: 126

Donate
Thu Apr 04, 2019 7:02 pm
View Likes
papillote wrote a review...



Hi, Anma. My name is Papillote, I’m going to review your first chapter. It’s supposed to be a constructive critic of your work, so please, don’t take anything I write personally.
First, a word of advice regarding the title. You really should start out with at least a WIP title, it would make your new chapters easier to spot amongst all the new posts. Plus, by the time we know enough about your story to help you find a title, chances are good that we will have forgotten all about your request.

Now, about the way this chapter is written. I get that you’re trying to ratchet up the tension, but you need to work on the way you structure your sentences and paragraphs. Take your first paragraph for example. You shouldn’t switch from your main protagonist’s POV to a general narrator. You create tension, emotion, fear by making us feel trapped inside your character.
First sentence: “It was 1:56 when Lillian woke up to the sound of glass shattering.”
How does she know the time? You lose steam with this switch of POVs. It would have been much more powerful if you had written something like “Lillian woke up to the sound of glass shattering. She pried her eyes open, turned her head, saw the time. ‘1:56’ They blinked at her – the red-on-black numbers.”
Action verbs have more power when you isolate them in a sentence. Plus, be careful: Lillian stands up twice in the same paragraph. Also, you sometimes write “Lillian” and sometimes “Lilian”.
Big reveals also have more power when you isolate them in a paragraph. In the same paragraph, Lillian is startled awake, and she finds a stranger in her living space: that dilutes each fact’s shock value.

You also switch between past and present times. The worst sentence is “Lillian ran into her room and throw herself under her covers.” It’s particularly glaring because you use past and present tenses in the same sentence.

Careful, when you have your main protagonist talking to herself. The entire thought should be in italics.

I could make other comments but, really, those are the main ones. I hope this is helpful. Good luck.




Anma says...


Thanks for the feedback!



papillote says...


You're welcome.



User avatar
562 Reviews


Points: 14535
Reviews: 562

Donate
Wed Apr 03, 2019 5:33 am
View Likes
FlamingPhoenix wrote a review...



Hello, FlamingPhoenix here with a short review for you and a few tips, on this lovely day.

Let's get to it.

So I'm going to start off by saying I don't really know what we could call this book yet, I don't really know enough about it so far, but I can give you some tips to help you come up with a name. What I do is think about what the book is about then I come up with a name that fits it best. Or you can write a little more of your story and see if something comes to you. That's what i do, and it works. So you might want to give it a go, and see what happens.

I really like how you started your book, it got me hooked right away, and I'm glad you finished the chapter so i could read the rest. It was really fun to see what the boy did to Lillian, I can just guess how mad she was with him. So that gave me a good laugh.
It also liked it that you gave a boy a small description, so if Lillian meats someone later who looks like him it will be really interesting to read how she will react.
I do wish you had told us what the house looked like, but I guess we ddin't really have time to go into that, so maybe the next chapter.
What I'm trying to say is that you have done a really good job here, and I do hope you keep writing this book and i will get to see the next chapter soon, so I don't have t be kept on this cliffhanger anymore. XD. I hope you have a great day/night.

Your friend
FlamingPhoenix. :D
Reviewing with a fiery passion.




User avatar
159 Reviews


Points: 4700
Reviews: 159

Donate
Wed Apr 03, 2019 2:32 am
View Likes
Honora wrote a review...



Well, I commented on this already at the club but I'll review it here! ;)
From what I can tell, your main issue isn't that big of a problem. You really just need to watch on your grammar and spelling. I'll point out a few so you get what I'm meaning :)
"Lilian gasped steeping backward her hand to her mouth." That was what you wrote. "Steeping" should be stepping. Like I said, it's not a huge deal but just be careful because there are quite a few of them throughout this already.
There are some in between the last one and this one but I'm just jumping around ;)" “Good,” he said “then don’t do it anyways” he let go of her swinging his wait of her."
If it was me, I would have written it something like this:
"Good[,] he said[,] "then don't go anyways[.]" He let go of her, swinging himself off her.
What you wrote didn't actually make sense now that I'm really looking at it so maybe fix that up a bit.
Don't take any of this if you don't want to. It's your book and I promise I'm not trying to write it for you! You did a pretty good job so good on you! :D
Your friend,
Honora




Anma says...


Thank you! I'll keep that in mind when I edit it. Also yes he does have magic, that's all I'm going to say though.



Honora says...


No problem!
Sweet! I don't know what it is, but guys with magic are really attractive! ;)



Honora says...


Also, I know you asked for book title ideas but just give me some time to get the feel of your book. I might have some ideas later! :D



Anma says...


Well now that you mention it, ya actually, lol. Have you read immortal instruments?



Honora says...


No I haven't. What's it about?



Anma says...


It's kind of hard to summarize it all. Just look up Immortal instruments by cassandre clare



Honora says...


Will do! It sounds cool :)



Honora says...


Ok never mind. I've never read them but it has been on my list to read! I started the first one once but it was in a bookstore and I didn't have any extra cash to buy it :( I'll definitely read it sometime though!



Anma says...


Ya, that's my fav book, and the movie too. Lol




A thing of beauty is a joy forever; its loveliness increases...
— John Keats