Keep in mind, these are drafts of the actual chapters. I may change it up a bit, so id love a lot of feedback on how i could make it better, fix it. :) Thank you
Chapter 4
Lillian and the boy made it halfway down the stairs when Lillian heard a screech. A bat looking thing swat at them.
“Duck!” the boy yelled as the creature flew toward her.
Lillian dropped to the ground stumbling slightly.
“What is that thing!” she yelled as it came for her again.
She rolled to the side, her arm collided into the wall. Lillian sucked in a painful breath.
“It’s a Scorige!” he yelled after her.
Lillian looked at the guy in disbelief, he had set the girl down and was pulling something out of his pocket. A dagger? Her eyes widened, the boy swung at the creature landing on its spiky back.
Who is this guy? How does he know what that thing is? And why was he attacking it like that’s what he does for a living?!?
“Get out of here!” he said raping his arms around the things neck.
It struggled in his grip and swung around trying to get him off. The Scorige flew right into the light that hung over the landing. It came down with a crash, and glass shattered everywhere. Lillian winced as a few shards flew at her cutting her delicate skin. She looked up at where the light had come from, then at the fire that seems to be spreading, fast. Lillian looked around for the black haired girl and ran to her. She picked her up and almost fell backward from the weight. The girl seemed to have gained seven pounds in just the past few minutes. Lillian walked toward the other stairs as fast as she could without dropping her.
She looked back at the boy with a frown “go!” he yelled again.
Lilian disappeared out of the building, right as she stepped out she already saw the lights of police cars. Breann stood by one of them crying her eyeballs out to a cop. One of them looked around and saw her, his eyes shot upward.
“Carle,” he said nudging the guy's shoulder.
The cop turned around and saw her, Breann followed his gaze and let out a sob.
“Lillian!” she said running to her, she awkwardly hugged her.
“Miss,” the cop said putting a hand on Lillian's shoulder.
“Could I talk to you for a second” Lillian nodded her head wiping the tears from her eyes.
Chapter 5
“So wait, you're telling me that they could identify the girl?” Moly said on the other line.
“Mhm, and they said that they couldn’t find the source of the fire.”
Lillian took a sip of her tea, “so, where is she supposed to stay?”Molly asked.
“I don’t know.. The cops haven't told me too much. But aunt Breann said if it comes down to it, she could stay here.”
Lillian heard her sigh, “ did they find the boy?”.
Lillian frowned at the question, she put her mug down “no.”
“I’m sorry,” Molly said, “this is a tough situation.
Lillian didn’t say anything but nodded to herself.
“Well, are you allowed to come to the party tonight? Or is Breann still being overprotective about you leaving?”
“No,” she said, “I can come, I talked to her earlier today about.”
Lillian heard a smile in Mollys voice “that’s great! Something to get your mind off of things, huh”.
“Ya,” Lillian replied, “ ill pick you up around five, moch, moch bye!”
“Bye,” Lillian said smiling.
She hung up the phone tosing it on her bed and picked up the white crystal the cops found on the landing.
“Carle said the found it with a little note, I think it might have been from you boyfriend.”
“Breann” Lillian scowled “he’s not my boyfriend.”
“Whatever you say” been replied.
“Weres the note?” Lillian asked frowning.
“The cops have it, they wanted to see if there were any clues to where he went on it,” she said
“Oh, well did they at least tell you what it said?” Lillian asked.
Aunt Breann shook her head, “No.”
The crystal was smooth, and its white color made a glow whenever she touched it.
What is this? She asked herself. She has examined it so many times, even asked people if they know what it is. Everyone's answer was a crystal, and when she mentions, it glows they look at her like she's crazy. Lillian sighed setting it on her side table. She picked up her pills dropping one into her hand and took a sip out of water bottle. It was hard going down her throat, she felt that it's been agatated ever since she breathed in the smoke. The doctors said it would go away in a few days, but no luck yet.
End of chapter
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141,423 Literary Works • 674,398 Reviews
Hey Anma! I'm back for another review!
I'm glad to see that this one is better then the last ones! It means you're improving
Review time...
One thing I would like to see more of is description. You haven't told us at all what your characters look like and I would like to have a basic description to imagine when I'm reading. It's not just your characters that you don't describe either. I would like to be able to imagine this world you've created.
Your grammar is better than the last ones as well. One thing though, that you still need to watch, is capitalization and spelling mistakes. There are still quite a few of those but not nearly as bad as before so good job!
Also, instead of having her think this "And why was he attacking it like that’s what he does for a living?!?" I think you should throw that into the description. Describe how he was attacking it with "fluidity" or "smooth, calculated moves" or something. It would make it easier to read and would definitely add to your description.
One more thing, I promise. The first sentence of Chapter 5, you said, " “So wait, you're telling me that they could identify the girl?” Moly said on the other line." I think you meant to say "couldn't" instead of "could."
Now onto what I like
I really like how you brought the Scorige in. It caught my attention and I was kind of like "Whaaaaaat?" I'm glad that you brought it in because it will really catch your reader's attention.
I am also quite interested to see where this "boy" is and WHO he is as well. His mysteriousness is really intriguing and I am looking forward to learning more about him.
Overall, You're getting better and these chapters were very enjoyable! Keep up the good work!
Your friend,
Honora
Hey, Che here for a review!
I'll first start by pointing out any areas I think could do with some improvements!
To avoid saying "Lillian" twice in the same sentence, I would change the sentence to "They made it half way down the stairs when Lillian heard a screech"
I would change "her" to "Lillian" otherwise it looks as if you are calling the boy her
I would put a comma after "ground"
I think this would sound better as "Lillian rolled to the side, her arm colliding with the wall. She sucked in a painful breath"
Instead of the comma after "disbelief" I would put a semi-colon
I would start it with "As her eyes..."
Um, I assume you mean "wrapping"... raping is something very different. Also, it should be "thing's"
I would say "and right as she.."
I assume this is the same person speaking, so it doesn't need to be on a separate line.
I think this is just a type but it should be "Molly"
The speech should be on a separate line
It should be "Molly's"
Should be "I'll"
I would rephrase this as "She hung up the phone, tossing it onto her bed and picking up the white crystal that the cops had found in the landing."
I assume you men "Carle said they found..." and ".. been from your boyfriend."
I assume you meant "Breann" not been
This would makes more sense as "it's white color glowed whenever she touched it"
I'll leave the suggestions there, there as a few more but it's mostly little grammatical thinks like missing capital letters etc.
I enjoyed this part of the story; it had action, description and speech. The action was fast paced and exhilarating to read, the description could have done with a little more detail but overall it was good.
I'm excited to read more!
Keep writing!
Regards, Che