z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone Violence

Chapter 3 Wis-per

by Anma


Chapter 3

Lillian put her hand around the girls back and the other under her legs. She wasn’t that weak for a small girl like her. She lifted the girl up off the ground, she was pretty light. Lillian left the smokey room back into the hallway. When she got to the beginning of the staircase, she saw a figure. Relief poured through her, there saved. Until it got closer, her heart did a double leap, and she almost dropped the girl. It was the boy from her dream.

He glared at her, “I told you not to come here” he said.

Lillian tried to pinch herself just to make sure that she wasn’t still dreaming. But she couldn’t without putting the girl down. Her sweaty hands were slipping from under the girl, so she readjusted her grip.

“So what,” she said, “your not my mom last time I checked.”

She moved past him and took a step down.

“Wait,” he said with a frightened look on his face.

“We can't bring her with, she’ll just slow us down.”

Lilian gave him a sickened look, “you want me just to leave her here?”

The boy nodded his head.

Ppt, in your dreams” she said taking another one.

He said in a hurry “we could leave her here and go get someone” he said.

Lillian ignored him taking another step, her foot slipped slightly, but she caught herself.

“ Either she comes, or I stay,” she said.

The boy frowned sighing “fine, give her to me” he said.

Lillian laughed, a crackling one “No, how do I know you won't just throw her into the fire?”.

“because,” he said “I know you’d just go after her” he smirked.

“Your right” Lillian replied, “ I would, and I would push you into the fire as well.”

“The only difference there is you would burn to ashes unlike her” she smiled back.

The boy shivered to grab the girl from her arms. “Let's go,” he said nudging his head forward.”


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453 Reviews


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Sun Apr 28, 2019 3:08 pm
Lib wrote a review...



Hello Anma!

Hope you're doing well today or tonight, depending on what side of the world you're on, obviously. I'm here to give you a review! Let's get right into it now shall we? Alright, so let's begin: This chapter scared me and kind of make me happy. I don't know why happy, I think it was because Lillian did what the boy told her not to. I dunno, I'm weird. XD The thing that made me scared was when the boy was scolding Lillian, I thought he was gonna toss her into the fire! You did a wonderful job with the description, Anma! Now, there were a few mistakes that I saw and would like to point out. :smt003

Relief poured through her, there saved.


That bold word in that sentence? It's supposed to be -> their, instead. I used to have that mistake all the time, and it was stuck to me for quite a long time, but thankfully, it's gone now. Note that it still happens to me. Onto the next one, now.

Ppt, in your dreams” she said taking another one.


I feel like you meant to write 'Pft' instead. Because, if you try to say 'Ppt', it's kinda impossible, unless you have magical powers or something, lol. Anyways, that's it! I'm going to go read the next chapter now!! <3

And as always...

Keep on writing!

~Liberty500




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206 Reviews


Points: 8788
Reviews: 206

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Sat Apr 06, 2019 7:57 pm
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Honora wrote a review...



Hey Anma!
So like I said in my past review, you need to work on your present/past tense. It's not too bad in this one but you still need to keep an eye on it.
One tip I would like to give you is that in the dialogue, don't make them both speak in the same line. For example, "The boy nodded his head “pt, in your dreams” she said taking another one." This was confusing because at first, I thought it was him talking. Try not to do stuff like that.
I do really like it though. I would love it if you tagged me when you post more! :)
Also, if I come across as harsh, please don't take it that way. I really just want to help you! If anything I say you don't agree with, just ignore it! It's your book! ;)
Your friend,
Honora




Anma says...


Thank you, ill fix that




In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on.
— Robert Frost