z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone Language

Chapter 2 Wis-per

by Anma


Chapter 2

Lillian woke up the next morning with no thought of last night. She couldn’t remember anything, and she honestly didn’t wish too. Lillian stretched out her body. Everywhere her back touched the mattress it felt like pins stabbing her. She stood up messaging her back like her doctor recommended her to do weeks ago. She glanced up at her clock across the room and jumped, it was the middle of the day already. Lillian rushed out of her room, aunt Breann was in the kitchen.

When she slightly frowns “Lillian, honey, you feeling alright? I tried to wake you this morning, but you didn't budge”.

Lillian shook her head “I’m fine, have you seen my pills?”

“No,” Breann said, “did you check your side table?”

“Yes,” Lillian said sighing, another thing she must get.

“Does that mean you went to the store? or do I still have to?”

She looked at her grimly “No, I didn’t go. You still need to”.

Lillian disappeared down the hallway to grab her keys.

When she came back into the kitchen, Breann was standing there holding up her coupons.

“Make sure to get some more tea.”

Lillian shook her head kissing her aunt’s cheek before she leaves.

Lillian was driving back from the store when she turned on Sun-street. She saw smoke coming from her high school's roof.

“Oh my god,” she said as she put the car in park.

She tugged her seat belt off and ran toward the school. From there she could see the fire, its red and yellow flames reaching high into the air. Lillian reached into her purse pulling out her phone and dialed fire department.

A girl picked up the phone, “911, what's your emergency?”.

Lillian took a breath and explained everything to the lady.

“Okay,” she said, “some people are heading there now.”

Lillian let out a sigh as she heard the buzz of the line. She sat on the trunk of her care waiting for the police, and the fire department to get there when she heard a high pitch scream. She jumped up looking around, she heard it again, and atamaticly new were it was coming from. Lillian looked around in urgency, but there was no one to help her. The stupid girl, she said as she ran into the school building.

Smoke filled up her lungs, and she let out a fainted caught. “Danm,” she said, “that burns.”

She looked around blindly and listened for another scream, but there wasn’t one. She ran up the stairs, and the heat went up. She opened one of the doors and peeked inside. This must be where the fire was. Coming from. She looked around the room and saw shattered glass everywhere, she shifted her eyes to the teacher desk. She saw a young girl lying on the floor. Her black hair spilled out, she ran to her side shaking her.

“Wake up, wake up please” there was no answer.

Lillian let out another caugh harder this time, they needed to get out of here.


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453 Reviews


Points: 825
Reviews: 453

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Sun Apr 28, 2019 12:17 am
Lib wrote a review...



Hello Anma,

Me again. For a review. Anyways, I hope you're doing well today or tonight, unlike Lillian. She's not doing well at all! *screams*

Anyways, this was a very interesting chapter. I love the way you described everything. It was perfect and perfect and perfect! I love this chapter so much. And again, there are many questions buzzing around in my head. Will the ambulance come? Is Lillian going to survive? Oh my god, wait! The boy told Lillian not to go to school tomorrow! He saved her! OH MY GOD, that makes sense! I figured it out! Yee-Haw! Lol, there were a few mistakes that I'd like to point out.

“Does that mean you went to the store? or do I still have to?”


Capitalization for the bold word!

She jumped up looking around, she heard it again, and atamaticly new were it was coming from.


The two bold words are spelt wrong. It's supposed to be --> automatically knew.

Danm,” she said, “that burns.”


It's supposed to be --> Damn.

Lillian let out another caugh harder this time, they needed to get out of here.


In the bold word, switch the 'a' to an 'o' and it's gonna be all good! Anyways, that's it for now. I'm gonna skedaddle and continue reading and reviewing the rest. :D

And as always...

Keep on writing!

~Liberty500




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206 Reviews


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Reviews: 206

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Sat Apr 06, 2019 7:46 pm
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Honora wrote a review...



Sorry I didn't get here sooner! I haven't had a chance to get on the computer and reviewing on a phone is a pain!
Anyway, review time! *rubs hands together evilly*
I think your main problem is that you keep switching from past to present. Since you are the narrator, try to avoid making it in the present. For example, in the very beginning you did this, "When she slightly frowns, etc..." This is in the present. Maybe instead, you should say something like this, "She frowned slightly, etc..." You get what I'm saying?
So, one thing I noticed is that you have a lot of spelling errors and sometimes I knew that it was just because you rushed it. I know that being excited to post stuff can sometimes make you want to go faster but just don't. It makes it a bit rough around the edges. Just be careful with that because it can make a reader not want to continue.
Overall, I really like it! You have caught my attention with the mysterious, magic boy! ;) I enjoy the plot. I am very interested in where this is going. I'm happy that chapter 3 is out cuz now I can go read more! :D :D
Your friend,
Honora





Fairy Tales are more than true; not because they tell us that dragons exist, but because they tell us that dragons can be beaten.
— G.K. Chesterton