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Wis-per Chapter 8

by Anma

Chapter 8

Nothing is wrong with you, a voice answered. Chills went down Lillian's back as she looked around.

“Who’s there?” no one answered, a knock at the door startled her.

Don’t answer the door the voice said again.

This time Sarah asked in her head who are you?

The voice responded harshly I’ll tell you later, for now, you need to get out of here.

She looked around the room, how?

The voice was clearer now, she could tell it was familiar in a way.

The window, open the window and climb out.

Are you crazy? She asked in horror, there was no way she was going to try to climb through that little space. Mainly since it was a three-story house.

Fine they said, did they just read her mind? Another knock sounded at the door.

“Lillian if you don’t open the door right now I’ll walk in.”

The hairs on Lillian's arm stood up, it was Hadley's voice.

Go to the mirror, Lillian walked to the mirror. Put your hand on it, then repeat after me.

Lillian put her hand on the mirror.

Felie “Felie” Lillian started, the door handle rattled.

“Lillian? What are you doing? Open the door” Hadley said.

Lillian didn’t reply just continued Seal Morae, “Seal Morae.”

The mirror seemed to glow, sparks came from it. Lillian backed away suprised.

Walk through it, the voice said.

Lillian froze, but the handle seemed to rattle more angrily.

“Lillian don’t you dare!” Lillian's heart seemed to beat faster as the door hinges flew like a bullet.

Go! Once you go through it the mirror will shatter and the portal will close, now!

In one heartbeat the door flew forward, and Lillian jumped. At first, she thought she would hit a solid glass mirror, but then she felt as if she was flying through the air. No, she was falling through the air, Lillian screamed. She hit the ground; surprisingly it was soft, not as if she were running the grass full on, but a cloud. Lillian opened her eyes squinting, it was bright.

Oh how I wish I brought my sunglasses, a voice seemed to laugh at that.

But it wasn’t inside her head, Lillian looked in front of her. It was that boy, his gold eyes glowed more than ever and his hair shined. He held out his hand for her, she took it standing up.

”Where are we?” she asked fascinated by her surroundings.

He held his hand out around them “Wellcome to Wis-per, Ange.”

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155 Reviews

Points: 11208
Reviews: 155

Wed May 15, 2019 4:21 am
Toboldlygo wrote a review...

Hey there! Toboldlygo here for a review! Let's get this piece out of the Green Room, shall we?

The first thing I noticed is that this chapter pretty much starts us off cold in the middle of a conversation or event. There is almost no feed into the chapter, so we just have to pick up on the conversation. That makes it difficult for us to follow what's happening, and can make you lose the reader's attention. There is also a rather abrupt ending, where we don't really see what's going on in the story, and then suddenly it's over. I think most of the places this story can improve are in the introduction and conclusion of the chapter, where the reader gets the first impression and leaves hopefully wanting to read more. Help the reader get into the story, and then give a bit more information before finding the ending. I do like that you tried to end with suspense, though, and it would have worked if we'd seen more of the world you're creating and where we've moved to in the story.

I think that this chapter is full of action, but it's also full of talk, so it's hard to realize it. Most of the story is a conversation (telepathic conversation, or is your character hallucinating?), and it makes the action get lost. We need more description so that we can get into the action and experience what's happening. As it is, it feels more like eavesdropping. The conversation is great, but we just need to have more along with it.

I also would like to suggest putting these chapters in a folder in your portfolio. That will just make it easier for people to find the chapters, rather than scan the list of all of your works on the side.

Overall, this is a great chapter and the story is very interesting! Well done!

Happy Writing!


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159 Reviews

Points: 4700
Reviews: 159

Fri Apr 12, 2019 3:09 am
Honora wrote a review...

Hey Anma!
Very good! I like it! I didn't notice any errors but just double-check! Just to be sure!
I have a few questions though (unless they will be answered later)

1) Who is Sarah that was talking in her head?

2) Why is she afraid of Hadley and why is he angry with her?

and 3) WHO IS THE GUY WITH MAGIC!?!?!?!?!?

That's pretty much it. Maybe I was too into the story that I didn't notice anything but that is a majorly good thing!
I am really excited to see what you have planned for this book! It is coming along so well and I can't wait for Chapter 9 to come out!!

Your friend,

Anma says...

Okay! Thank you!

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Points: 189
Reviews: 2

Wed Apr 10, 2019 1:01 pm
Soren says...

yes awesome!!

Anma says...

Thank you luna!

Lead. The most dangerous thing in Led Zeppelin's name and I'll remind you the other thing was Zeppelin.
— John Oliver