Hey there! Toboldlygo here for a review! Let's get this piece out of the Green Room, shall we?
The first thing I noticed is that this chapter pretty much starts us off cold in the middle of a conversation or event. There is almost no feed into the chapter, so we just have to pick up on the conversation. That makes it difficult for us to follow what's happening, and can make you lose the reader's attention. There is also a rather abrupt ending, where we don't really see what's going on in the story, and then suddenly it's over. I think most of the places this story can improve are in the introduction and conclusion of the chapter, where the reader gets the first impression and leaves hopefully wanting to read more. Help the reader get into the story, and then give a bit more information before finding the ending. I do like that you tried to end with suspense, though, and it would have worked if we'd seen more of the world you're creating and where we've moved to in the story.
I think that this chapter is full of action, but it's also full of talk, so it's hard to realize it. Most of the story is a conversation (telepathic conversation, or is your character hallucinating?), and it makes the action get lost. We need more description so that we can get into the action and experience what's happening. As it is, it feels more like eavesdropping. The conversation is great, but we just need to have more along with it.
I also would like to suggest putting these chapters in a folder in your portfolio. That will just make it easier for people to find the chapters, rather than scan the list of all of your works on the side.
Overall, this is a great chapter and the story is very interesting! Well done!
Happy Writing!
Toboldlygo
Points: 11208
Reviews: 155
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