Dream Catcher (old version)

Anytime, Shina! Seriously, it's a pleasure to review for you! But in hindsight, maybe I should have waited until I was a bit more awake before I reviewed. :/ I've got one error too many in there!
*Totoro!
*Protruding and riding DO fit because your second bit is in present tense, which I somehow failed to remember when writing that.
And I'm too tired to spot the rest that may be lurking there. ): So sorry!
Ha, who doesn't have problems with their novels?! Tell me their name so I can ask them what their secret is! Shina, I think this is a really good beginning. You've got so much mystery: the scientists, the pendant, the fact your MC can see into the children's dreams, why did her parents go, where did the fireball come from, why doesn't she trust the person she's in the car with, what's the Tsukuba Space Center, who's Hallen, why did they have to leave your MC...?? Oh my gosh, just post the next one already! Haha xx

@EmmaJane

Thanks for reviewing my piece Emma! Haha, yeah I haven't really been around -.-" And I haven't been writing much until lately. It's been really busy.

Anyways, yeah I've been having a problem with Dream Catcher. I have about half of the novel written, but I stopped writing sometime in the beginning of the year because I realized that the beginning needs to be more "hooking" and have more action and whatever else this one (surprisingly wise) person on Inkpop said.

So basically I've been playing around with the beginning. After hearing your comments I think I finally have a good idea of how to fix my plot. I'm working on it as we speak!

Thanks everyone else for the comments as well ^___^ I really appreciate it.

-Shina

Oh. My. Gosh. SHINA! You're alive!

I'm so glad you're posting as I do really enjoy your style and ideas. Plus I've sort of missed seeing your face/avvie around.. ;P

Right. I'm going to start the review now. If you don't mind, I'm going to do a line by line. I can't give you too much on the plot right now. ;D

The children tell me without whispers. This is a good opening line, but it could do with a little more explanation: tell them what? I can see it in their dreams, burning through their eyelids, swelling into a storm. Save us, they say, save us. I love these last sentences! The imagery they conjure is very dramatic.

~But how does that opening paragraph connect with the rest of this? I imagined your MC wandering through a village at night, looking at (orphaned?) children as they dreamt. Then your MC is in a car? What happened to all the children? Was your MC remembering that event? There appears to be no connection, which is quite confusing as I have two completely different settings in just the first two paragraphs. I don't know which one I should be imagining.~

No birds sing in the silence. Ominous. Love it. Only the hum of our car and the screech of its wheels against the road play as we drive into oblivion. I agree with Jellybean, "play" is not the right word, that would be more associated with something you see rather than something you hear. Like the light plays against the bark, etc. Perhaps you should try "sound"? That's the first word that comes to mind.

While I look out the window, I keep hoping the horses will come from the woods and run alongside our vehicle with their stately grace, [their] dark coats silhouetted against the meadow. Should sound a little better. But even if they wanted to stretch their legs and challenge advanced aerodynamics to a race, their instincts wouldn’t allow them to.

Clever creatures they are. This feels like it's the wrong way round. It makes your MC sound more common, when in the last sentence they were talking about "advanced aerodynamics". "They are clever creatures" sounds more ... educated, which is how your MC sounds to me. They know to never trust the ones in the white lab coats. Their minds are curious, too curious, and they will change you; alter you into a new invention, mold you like clay into whatever they need; fabricate beauty. This threw me, as I assumed the horses were still the subject of the latter sentence. As I read on, it soon became clear that I'd misunderstood something. Perhaps you could make it clearer that in the third sentence you are talking about the scientists. It's a bit ambiguous at the moment. But they can’t hurt you if they can’t catch you. Run before they do. This one too. C: If I were really nitpicky, I'd say the MC was telling the reader to run before the scientists ran.

The car skids to stop, Why does it stop? parallel to the wooden fences outlining the rood. A butterfly rests on one of the fences. An Emerald Swallowtail.

Its wings quiver like flower petals. Delicate, vein-covered sheets of gossamer. They can’t weigh more than a feather. I wish I could trace those veins, the ones lined with the glitter of fairies, tinted with sunshine, and obedient to their own natural design. But every time I reach for one, the glass stops me and the butterfly rouses, only the flutter of wings and a flash of color before it glides through the air with the dandelions. Shina, your descriptions never fail to amaze me with their beauty. That's possibly the most magical description of a butterfly I've ever seen. W.O.W. :') However, I have to ram my head against the nearest solid object and point out that "it glides through the air with the dandelions" makes it sound like the dandelions are gliding through the air, too. Floating dandelions? Which I suppose could be possible if your story is set in that sort of magical world. Is it? C:

Be free, precious beauty. Fly while you still can.

Outside the window, the world is wonderful. All seven colors of the rainbow coat the seas, highlight the skies, and everything in-between. I can even see the wind and its invisibility. It proposes [a/to] dance with the willows and sways with the grass, painting nature’s movement with the tip of its finger.

My hand draws closer to this beautiful world, my body wound with excitement. Quickly, I retreat.

Instead of what? Isn't your MC retreating from the window to get the camera? Or are they retreating into themselves, but think to take a picture instead? I'm a little confused, I clutch the camera close to my throbbing heart and raise its head. Snap. The Polaroid develops and slides into my hand, its edges warm. I love that little detail I wave the paper and the image leaks onto the page. I trace the butterfly’s wings flapping in the sky. At least I can pretend. G'waaaa! I don't know why, but that's really sad! )':

Suddenly, the engine revs and the machine comes to life. The wheels spin and we leave behind the pretty picture.
“Aaralyn dear, it’s a long way until we arrive.” They act like we’re friends. We’re not. WHOOOO?? “You should take a nap.”

I open my mouth to protest, but the words dry up in my throat as I catch sight of the angry blue fireball heading straight for our car. This feels WAY too sudden. It's almost like you got bored of this so decided to finish it off with a convenient, strange fireball. Which I know is NOT the case, but it sounds so abrupt and, well, not to your standard of writing. I'd like at least another sentence describing the fireball. Your MC is incredibly descriptive by nature, so it's odd to have something as strange as a blue fireball and only have them dedicate a sentence to it. Describe the change in the air, the heat, the blurry movement in the corner of their eye, the sound of the fire roaring. It shouldn't be so abrupt and random, then. C:

*
Moonlight seeps through the holes of lace curtains and [lands in] streaks [on] the man’s face, sharp and angular. The moonlight is sharp and angular? Be careful with the subject of the sentence, Shina! I think you're describing the man's face here, yes? He is not clean shaven, a layer of spikes protruding from his cheeks and riding on his lip. Two problems with this sentence. One, you both show and tell, which is quite funny. You tell in the first bit, then go on to show it. Clearly the man is not clean shaven as he has a layer of spikes protruding from his cheek. So the first part is not needed. ;P Two, the second part of this sentence would sound better in past tense. The "protrudING" and "ridING" don't seem to fit. :/

“We need to go, James.”

But James does not move. He looks down at his young daughter lost in slumber, holding close the tattered Totoro Tototo! C: doll Sayo had knitted her, love entwined in every stitch. This Haha, "his", perhaps? Unless there's more than one? ;D daughter cannot be more than four, not ready for school, not ready for the world.

Not ready to be left alone. Love, love, love.

Sayo lays a hand on James’s shoulder and the other on her bulging stomach.

“She won’t be alone forever.”

Do you trust her, James? Are her words true? I really love these rhetorical questions! I love how the MC's voice is somehow pulled into her past and how the reader is positioned to distrust Sayo.

The corners of James’ eyes are creased, as are [and] the corners of his lips [are] set in a deep frown.

“And what about now, Sayo? If we leave her now we might never get her back.”

“Don’t be ridiculous, James. We’ll come back for her.”

James shrugs Sayo’s hand off of his shoulder. “That’s not what I mean, Sayo. I’m saying she’ll forget us. We’ll lose that spot in her heart as parents.”

This stops Sayo. Now she frowns, too. Her hair, dark like night, dark like her name, falls in glossy sheets. Long and silky, her daughter’s will be also. Seems awkwardly phrased toward the end. "Like her daughter's will also be"? Some of it is damp from sweat and sticks to her face. She is white in comparison. I agree with Peanut that perhaps you should change it to "her face is white in comparison". I can't even remember what I imagined, but it sure wasn't a pale face.

Sayo opens her mouth to speak, but before she can the handheld tucked in her back pocket starts to screech, exclaiming Exclaiming? Is that the right word here? red rays. Sayo removes the handheld, flicks it off and buries it in her coat.

“We are what we are, James. I want her to be happy, but in order for her to be happy she needs to be safe first.” Sayo pauses, holding back tears that defy her command. “Are you ready? They’ve surrounded the Tsukuba Space Center. Hallen needs backup forces.” Ooh, a touch of Sci-fi.

Reluctantly, James nods and Sayo heads for the door. He reveals a gold pendant in his palm and strokes the precious stones set in its wings.

“Sweet dreams, darling.” James kisses his daughter’s cheek before leaving.

The pendant rests around the little girl’s neck, winking with secrets. I ADORE those last three lines. "Winking" is the perfect word. I can just picture the jewels sparkling, and then there's all the connotations of "winking", secrets etc... Oh Shina, I've missed your work!

But James dos not move.

Her hair, dark like night, dark like her name, falls in glossy sheets. Long and silky, her daughter’s will be also.

She is white in comparison.

The children tell me without whispers. I can see it in their dreams, burning through their eyelids, swelling into a storm. Save us, they say, save us.

Only the hum of our car and the screech of its wheels against the road play as we drive into oblivion.

Clever creatures they are. They know to never trust the ones in the white lab coats. Their minds are curious, too curious, and they will change you; alter you into a new invention, mold you like clay into whatever they need; fabricate beauty. But they can’t hurt you if they can’t catch you. Run before they do.

“Aaralyn dear, it’s a long way until we arrive.” They act like we’re friends. We’re not. “You should take a nap.”

He is not clean shaven, a layer of spikes protruding from his cheeks and riding on his lip.

The pendant rests around the little girl’s neck, winking with secrets.