Runaway~ The Journey of Thieves (the beginning)

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Note: This isn't a completed idea. the first part is a summary that you'd normally find in the back of a book. The Preface is just a brief one. Chapter one isn't complete either.

Runaway

The journey of thieves

Summary

Was there ever a time you wanted something you knew you could never have? Did you ever wish that for once in your sad life that you could do as you pleased and get what you wanted?

Well for Arion and her band of clever thieves, there was a time...

Join young and mischievous witches Arion, Rosalina, Sapphire, and Sophia as they journey through mystical worlds to escape the punishment and curse of thieves in Runaway : The journey of thieves...

Preface:

The sound of treading black stallions on the rocky paths chased us everywhere we went. We could never escape the haunting sound; it was like a curse that could not be removed. We've traveled so far and so long to runaway, but the sound would continue to prevail. Just as we felt comfortable and secure, the sound would devour the shining moment. How did we get ourselves into this tricky situation? How did we put this unspeakably horrid curse on ourselves? We were running heavily, trying to escape our certain doom; the terrible punishment of thieves.

Chapter 1: Shining Through the Window Panes

Arion

I barely remember what started this whole disaster. I was just a mere child trying to get by in life.

Now I remember. I had nothing. A simple child born with not a single penny to her name, belonging no one. My parents, my family... The whole Mystere clan was turned into cold stone in a battle against the, against the...The treacherous One. We are not supposed to speak of he who commits violence, he who tortures, he who kills. For the simple call of his name will summon the wicked beast.

My infant and early childhood years were not spent alone however. I was housed and cared for tenderly by the kind Ms. Mireille. She housed me, fed me, and raised me as her own. I'll never again take the humble home and delicious peasant meals she offered to me for granted.She was an old widow and I was her only companion. No children she gave life to, so she was determined to pass on everything she'd known and learned throughout her years to me. I first learned basic skills like cooking, cleaning, and gardening, your average household chores. After learning how to do these tasks by hand and mastering these skills, she showed me more efficient ways of doing them. Simple spells could be used to perform these tasks without breaking a sweat. She saw I was interested in magic, and showed me much more than ever before. Her years of living were soon to be over.

In her early years, Ms. Mireille was a headstrong rebellion against the unfair monarchy government. She led the people, and gave them hope. Transformation spells, magic charms, and trances were taught to me at an early age due to my great potential. In very rare cases, witches are born with special abilities like being able to read minds or see the future. My ability was like none she'd ever seen before. I could see any place or thing at any given moment or time. My mind could even travel to other worlds and dimensions if I focused hard enough.

My gift was a tempting skill the monarchy would most likely be after, so she taught me a illegal spells in case I'd ever gotten into serious trouble. Ms.Mireille had been a powerful witch when her husband was alive. Ever since his death she began withering away into nothing. You see their are only few methods that can lead to a witch's death. You either freeze her to solid stone, burn her torn remains, or you can kill her mate. The first two ways are immediate killings, the last one however takes place over time. When a witch entrusts their only heart to a sorcerer, that sorcerer holds her heart and in return gives her, his. If the sorcerer were to die, his maiden's heart would die also. The heart within the witch belonging to the sorcerer would slowly begin to fade do to its original owners death, thus ending the lives of both of them.

I barely remember what started this whole disaster... I was just a mere child trying to get by in life.

Now I remember... I had nothing. I was an abandoned child left to live on the dark and gloomy streets of Castle, the capital city of the Magical World. My parents, my family... They were all turned into cold stone in the battle against the, against the....The treacherous One. We are not supposed to speak of he who commits violence, he who tortures, he who kills. For the simple call of his name will summon the wicked beast. All my family members were petrified before I could even walk; their images are only faint blurs in my mind.

Comments & reviews · 5
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User avatar
Angels-Symphony
Comment

It's not really a chapter yet, it was just an idea. I didn't continue it because I'm working on my first novel, first.

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Scarecrow
Review

I like where your going with this, its just to short for me to form a real opinion on it.

Chapter one is just to short, I don't have the slightest idea whats happening, accept some theif/witches have incurred the wrath of something bad. Currently I have no idea what they've done to make this terror angry, although they have probebly stolen something. I also don't have a clue about the characters, I don't even know if they're male or female.

It has potential, I just think you need to expand the first chapter and give us more information within it.

Scarecrow

User avatar
Conrad Rice
Review

I like the idea that you present here, and I think that it can turn into a very good story given enough time. However, I do want to caution you against posting just story ideas up on YWS before I go into a deeper review. It's not that this is a bad thing, I regularly ask other people for help with just concepts like that. But this is best done through things like PMs, or over IM. I'm not saying that what you're doing is wrong, just that there's a better way to do it.

Anyways, enough of that. On to your review.

Well for Arion and her band of clever thieves, there was a time...

Join young and mischievous witches Arion, Roseline, Bell, and Maria as they journey through mystical worlds to escape the punishment and curse of thieves in Runaway : The journey of thieves...


So, this is an interesting premise. However, there are some cliches that it could fall prey to if you are not careful. My advice for dealing with those is to stay away from almost anything that's been used before. Think of some new things you could try out with this. It doesn't matter if they sound silly to you, just give them a try. If they don't work, well, that's what a first draft is for! Taking chances and making mistakes!

All in all, this does seem to be an interesting premise. I'm sorry that I can't be of more help, but I do better with full stories. PM me if you have any questions at all. Good luck, and I look forward to seeing this turned into a fully-fledged story.

User avatar
Tatra
Review
Tatra wrote a review · Thu Jan 01, 2009 2:39 am

This does have potential, I really do love thieves, and runaway thieves are even better. And, your summary makes the plot seem interesting, as I also like witches. :D

But, I'm afraid that there's not much I can say, as the whole thing was just too short. It took me a while to figure out that the start of it was a summary, but that's fine how it is. But, it is a bit confusing to have a summary out of no where.

Then there was the preface, that really didn't tell us much and, because of that, it's confusing. We, the readers, have no idea who the 'We' in the preface are. We get that they're running from something and that they can't stop, but we really don't get anything else from that. As a result, there's no foreshadowing to it, and no real reason to have it. And, I do have to say that part of the shortness bothering me is because we already had to skip through bits of writing to get to the preface. I also think that you could stand to expand that one part, get it to at least 500 words or so, and give us enough of a connection so that we want to know who these mysterious people are and who and why people are chasing them.

And then we come to the first chapter, which isn't even 100 words. We have no idea of who this character is, or what's happening at all, all we get is this person with a touchy memory looking back at a jumbled world. I mean, it's an interesting beginning, but we need some more words in order to truly see what's going on. Give us more details. Expand what you have and people will be able to get a better idea of what's happening.

Now I remember...

I think you should cut that part out, as it really does make her memory seem strange. I think she's just fine with a blurry memory. If she's looking back at her life after she went through whatever your plot is, I think she would have a sort of blurry memory. Plus, the sentences before and after it blend better without it, as you can see in the next quote.

I barely remember what started this whole disaster. I was just a mere child trying to get by in life. I had nothing: I was an abandoned child left to live on the dark and gloomy streets of Castle.

I think that this is a great first paragraph, and that most of your expanding should take place after this. This gives us an idea of why she would try and change things, but then you can go back even further to explain a few more things. The one thing I'm a bit confused about is 'Castle.' I'm assuming that that's the town, but when I think 'Castle' I think of a large building built in a particular style. I'm not saying that you have to change anything in this paragraph, but you might want to mention this fact later on in the chapter, when you start your description.

My parents, my family...

Give us a few paragraph talking about what their live was before they were turned to stone? Or, better yet, use that as a vault into actual action. Show us what his life was like before this happened, what did he do the day that his parents were turned to stone? Or, better yet, what lead up to his parents turning into stone. What was the true moment that all of this started? I think that this part could be expanded for at least another 1000 words.

Overall: I really am interested in the plot, I just think that having more to this first part could really help to hook the reader. You have the skeleton for this, you just need to flesh them out and give us the details and the descriptions that will truly hook us onto this writing.

Good luck with your writing, and feel free to PM me with any questions you might have!

- Tatra

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BugBoyAndy Review

Nicely done,

I like it. It sort of reminds me of those wonderful adventure books, like Alice in Wonderland and the Wizard of Oz. It captures that feeling from me. It has depth, and it's very well written. I can't help but wonder what kind of journeys they will have ahead of themselves.

I am a published author, I want to give you a tip; make every chapter end with a cliffhanger.

We all love wanting to come back for more.



Isn't it funny how day by day nothing changes but when you look back, everything's different?
— C.S. Lewis