Young Writers Society

EDIT::: You say you didn't change this at all, eh? That's weird, why would it have come up in stanzas when I reviewed it? Anyway, I guess you'll have to work around that when reading my comments.

The time for reviewing is upon us!

Sticking the poem to the front of the story was a good idea. It was nice having an idea of what sort of character I'm dealing with going into the story preface. I believe the other reviewer mentioned vampires and werewolves...I read it more as a spirit of death, but I guess that's because I tend to read things literally.

I'm not a poet, but I'll do my best here.

dressed in simple peasant clothes.

I would delete 'peasant'. Since simplicity is what you're trying to convey, I think peasant is sort of redundant. I also feel like the stanza flows better with that word omitted. Aside from that, it's a very nice opening.

I incinerate your being
yet you don't put up a fight.

I have trouble with "incinerate", because I can't decide how literal it's supposed to be. The second line sounds like a forced rhyme.

I am the misfortune fate forced upon you,

May I suggest: "I am the misfortune put upon you"? Or, "I am the misfortune forced..." if you want to keep that word. I think fate's role is implied, and doesn't need to be stated explicitly. There's nothing else that could affect someone's fortunes (except for witches/wizards, but if this story were about magic you probably would have mentioned it elsewhere in the poem.) Taking out "fate" also helps the flow. It sounded like there was an extra syllable in there.

This meager task is simple

I'm ok with having 2 adjectives together like that, but "meager" and "simple" are similar in meaning. It's not strictly redundant or wrong, but I think making your adjectives dissimilar would be good here.

You all come to love life
and the lives of many others.
But the ending is the same
for you and for your brothers.

There's nothing wrong with this stanza, but from a word economy standpoint I feel like it doesn't contribute enough to the poem. Keep it if you like it, but if I had to choose 1 stanza to chop it would be this one. I also think that transitioning straight from "it is my evil chore" to "my life was made to end yours" has more impact.

Rather than to open,
I close all of your doors.

I question your use of "to" here. I'm not always perfect with the real nitty-gritties of grammar, but I think it has to do with "to open" being infinitive and "I close" being conjugated. How about: "I offer you no windows, and close all of your doors"? That way both verbs being contrasted are conjugated with "I" in present tense.

Nice finishing stanza. It wraps things up nicely by giving us a more to-the-point explanation of exactly who/what we're dealing with here.

Now, on to the preface portion.

resonance rising up my spine

"resonance rising" = "resonating"

Scarlet touches her creamy, white skin; it almost mimics her blush.

I'm confused by this. I'm not sure what "scarlet" is.

Talking about the lips creates a small sexual undertone that may not be intentional. Just thought I'd point that out.

I slam my fist on the wooden floorboards,

Would the noise not wake her up? And the following sentence, me being as literal as I am, makes me imagine something quote gory. Do the veins actually break through the skin?


General thoughts:
It's all very good. The poem does a good job of introducing the main so that we have some idea of what's going on in the opening scene of the story. In the preface, though, I'd like to see some more detial. Campus security is kicking me out of the library, so I gtg!

Shina! ^^ I'm here with a review for you!

Although I don't think anything I have to say would be really that important. You legend.

I must say, beautiful, beautiful imagery. Really special, even if you have to concentrate to read it.

So, anyways, the review:

It’s coming.

Fantastic hook. It makes you pause and think: who? Or: what? Plus, it's startling and snappy. Perfect.

...and destiny reflects in my eyes.

Is the destiny the girl?
Personally, I think "and my destiny" may sound better; of course, that's if it is their destiny.

...regret begins to taint me.

Great stuff. I get a feeling it's like a disease slowly spreading over their soul.

Flesh. Warm flesh.

Creepy. Makes the reader think the MC has some kind of animalistic side, which I'm sure you're aiming for.

Scarlet blankets creamy, white skin; it almost mimics her blush.

First point: "Scarlet blankets creamy, white skin..." I'm not sure "blankets" is the right word here. Sure, it produces beautiful imagery, but it's imagery you have to concentrate to get. Also, it feels as though the scarlet is on her cheeks rather than in them.
Second point: "...it almost mimics her blush." What does? What is the "it"?

Dark lashes rest on her cheeks.

Lovely stuff, Shina.

I imagine what would happen if color flushed from her face,

Personally, I think "...happen if the color flushed..." would sound better. Because it reads awkwardly to me.

I slam my fist on the wooden floorboards,

Surely she'd wake up at that?

My eyes widen as I gasp.

This is a line I particularly like. I love the simplicity of it; the way you've got two actions at the same time in such a short sentence. As though it's as easy as hell. huh.

...absorbing the heat the way shadow feeds on light.

You're missing something with the "shadow". I have a few examples here.
"...the way a shadow feeds on light."
"...the way shadows feed on light."
"...the way a creature of the shadows feeds on light."

I was losing the battle.

And last, but not least. So I really like how you've stuck this on it's own, adding to the drama of this piece. It's a kind of "dun, dun, dun!" end. What will happen next?

Character Development:
Actually, I found it quite hard to connect to your character. It was too ... mysterious. Yeah, I know, it's the preface, it's meant to be mysterious. But I don't really know what they're thinking, just that they're in mental/physical pain. I don't even know if they're male or female, although I'm assuming they're male.

Plot:
Yeah, it's only the preface, so you can be excused for not showing too much. What I get is this: He's in her room, watching her. The MC is something ... unusual. A werewolf, vampire ... some sort of half-beast half-himself creature. And he has to kill her, and ignore his conscience. Close?

Description:
Shina! Your description is lovely. I have a clear picture in my mind (most of the time ) as to what's going on. And there are so many comparisons, giving it that something special. I only ask that you add more description of the sounds and where they actually are. Remember the five senses: touch, sight, smell, taste and sound. Sight - you've got that nailed. Smell - you've got quite a bit of that too. Taste - they're not eating or drinking anything, or 'tasting' the air, so it doesn't matter. Touch - are the floorboards smooth and worn? When his heart is beating so hard, does it hurt? (Okay, not really touch, but never mind.) Sound - the sound of her gentle breathing, does it soothe or aggravate him? Do the sheets rustle as she stirs? (If she stirs.) When he hits the floor, does it land with a noisy crash, or a solid thump?
I felt you could have described the room a little more. I suppose from: "I grip the side of her bed..." they're in her bedroom. Is it dark? Or does the light from the moon filter through a crack in the curtains? Is it a small space or a large one?

Overall:
I may have already mentioned, , but I do totally adore your use of imagery. This was a wonderful read. ^^ I'd like to know how the story develops. Is there a first chapter floating around here by any chance?

Here, have a cookie. Hell, have three! You deserve 'em.


Please, do PM me if more of this comes out. If you want another review, I'd be happy to do one. ^^

~Emma