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Young Writers Society



Dream Catcher [ch 3] a portion of it

by Angels-Symphony


Yup, it's a piece of Dream Catcher again. Most likely you're thinking "what the heck is going on in the story", and you should be thinking this because I'm throwing a random piece at you guys xD As for the break into italics, it happens all the time in the story, so don't feel the urge to comment on that ^^

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Somewhere there is man taking sips of his freshly brewed coffee and watching the morning news from the comfort of his apartment. The stock market’s gone down, he’s thinking, or the season finale of [inserthere] is tonight at nine. Suddenly, a weather report transitions to the screen showing showers. Hmm, the man thinks, I better bring an umbrella. If only I’d been smart like that man and watched the damn news.

“You didn’t check the weather, did you?” a girl asks. Shut up, I tell her in my mind, shut up shut up.

“Yeah.” I force a smile as I yank off my heel. Gold and mud don’t go together, ever.

“You’re new here?” She continues to badger me and I search for paper towels to pat-dry my shoes.

Instead of the usual paper-towel dispenser fastened on the wall of every other bathroom in the world, an electric hand dryer is fastened here. I retreat to the stalls and return with a stolen roll of tissue paper.

“That won’t dry in time.” Her hair, the same shade and texture as cotton candy, distracts me from my focus; it explodes at the sides of her head like sparklers. Does she think they match that tutu? “Why’d you wear them?”

“Because I‘m a rebel,” I grumble. My dabbing of the shoe becomes aggressive mopping. I hear fidgeting and a quick zipping noise.

“Take mine.”

I whip around. Tutu girl’s holding out a pair of fur lined boots and earmuffs. My eyes drop to her feet: they’re bare except for the orange rabbit socks slouching at her ankles. She piles the items in my arms and dashes out of the restroom.

*

A boy with tired eyes and blond tangles punches the space before him. A stream of water from his fist blasts the security box. He steps aside for the girl behind him, his leader. Her liquid gold eyes spark as she commands a lightning bolt to strike the weakened box. The box bursts with a small cloud of smoke and a series of charred junk metal. The doors slam against the concrete wall. She steps inside.

The room is empty except for a dining table extending thirty feet to the opposite wall. A dimly lit chandelier dangles from the ceiling. The boy shifts forward.

“Chandler,” another boy hisses. He slinks from the shadows into the light. The orange glow of his eyes stand out against the black of his clothes and his whitewashed skin. Distorted red light swallows the room as the alarm goes off. Chandler looks down at his sneaker. It interfered with the sensor. “That’s why you should get some sleep, idiot.” He spits his spiderbite piercings on the floor and launches himself at the swarm of guards.

“Forget it Rai.” Their leader, Kyra, leaps onto the table in one fluid movement. “Toss me my claw.” Rai’s leg bursts into flames black as the shadows he came from as he punts five henchmen unconscious. He grunts, reaches into his vest, and pitches a gold object at Kyra, who catches it and slips the arm extension over her hand like a glove.

Her wrists flex before she slashes out half of the guards. They fall to the floor, the gashes in their chests laced with electricity. She glances at Rai.

“You didn’t stop their hearts, did you?”

“Of course not.” Kyra flings the claw back at Rai, replaces it with a whip, and lashes the bars of an air vent. “They’re only paralyzed. Now get Chandler and come on!”

Rai puts his index finger and thumb to his lips. He blows hard, summoning Chandler.

“Mmm, yeah?” Chandler wakes from his slumber and rises to his feet. He scuffs his heels on the ground, trapping the remaining bodies in their own personal icebergs.

“Get over here!” Rai swats the opening seconds after Kyra disappears within it.


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Wed Dec 30, 2009 4:01 am
Shearwater wrote a review...



Hi Shina, Pink here!
Alright, although I have no idea what's really going on, I think this is good.
I could not find anything to nitpick on so yay! You have really good grammar. :)

Characters:Okay, the first part I liked more than the second part, only because I didn't know what they were doing in the second part. Your tutu girl makes me smile and I like how diverse both characters were from each other. I would say more but because I don't know them I'll just stop here (sorry).
I think I'll go read the other chapters so next time I'll know what's going on. :3

Oh, I'm so sorry Shina, this review stinks!
I'm going to read your previous chapters before I go and review your fourth one. The next one will be better, I promise.
But overall, I do like this, it's very interesting and your characters are promising. I hate it when characters are lame and boring and yours give off a very strong vibe for some reason. I really like the way you write and describe things. You have strong vocabulary and your flow is exceptional!
Onto the next one~

~Pink




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Wed Dec 30, 2009 3:38 am
Angels-Symphony says...



Okay, I’m seriously in love with Tutu Girl and I really hope that she’ll be making a return very soon. Something about quirky characters like this make me want to keep reading a story.

xD She does. I was having a problem with making too many characters an then needing characters, so I just made those characters I dreamed up fit into the gaps.

Your MC - I’m just assuming that the Narrator is the Main Character of the story. She gives off the vibe that she is anyways, not only because of the word “I” but because of the way she acts which is really awesome and a definite thumbs up.

Yay ^^ Goal achieved.

I’m just wondering why he would spit his piercings on the floor. I know for a fact that they aren’t even exactly easy to take out quickly which is something to think about when you’re looking at realism.

It's kind of hard to explain now, since you haven't read the whole thing and it isn't explained why yet in the story, but in my story world, they use jewelry, things like earrings, piercings, hats, gloves, etc, to keep their abilities in check. So if Rai want to fight something off, he has to take them off. If I made him unfasten them or whatever, it wouldn't be as smooth. Any suggestions?

I’m not even completely sure what was going on aside from the fact that a few people with crazy powers were robbing a safety deposit box…right?

xD No. I think I'm going to force you to do one of those full-length critiques :P

Thanks Lily ^^

-Shina




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Wed Dec 30, 2009 3:33 am
lilymoore wrote a review...



Okay, Shina, this is officially all really crazy!

I only caught one nitpick which is this one:

Chandler wakes from [his] slumber and rises to his feet.

Just added ‘his’ to the sentence.

Tutu Girl - Okay, I’m seriously in love with Tutu Girl and I really hope that she’ll be making a return very soon. Something about quirky characters like this make me want to keep reading a story. She reminds me a bit of a character I wrote a while back…though he was a big of a minimalist and wore only a loin cloth. (random)

Your MC - I’m just assuming that the Narrator is the Main Character of the story. She gives off the vibe that she is anyways, not only because of the word “I” but because of the way she acts which is really awesome and a definite thumbs up.

He spits his spiderbite piercings on the floor and launches himself at the swarm of guards.


I’m just wondering why he would spit his piercings on the floor. I know for a fact that they aren’t even exactly easy to take out quickly which is something to think about when you’re looking at realism.

My Only Real Problem
Okay, I only had one big problem with this piece but it’s kind of major and that is the fact that it is rather difficult to keep track of what’s going on in the italicized part. Maybe this is because of the fact that there could have been mention to these characters before that I missed out because I haven’t read chapter one or two. But I think that, from this perspective at least, it is a little bit of a messy scene. I’m not even completely sure what was going on aside from the fact that a few people with crazy powers were robbing a safety deposit box…right?

I did like this a lot though, Shina, most especially however for that first half. But it’s all still very well constructed as far as wording and dialogue goes.

*snugs*
On to Chapter 4!

~lilymoore





More than anything she wanted the world to be uncomplicated, for right and wrong to be as easily divided as the black and white sections of an Oreo. But the world was not a cookie.
— Roshani Chokshi, Aru Shah and the Tree of Wishes