Runaway : The Journey of thieves {chapter 1}

Runaway

The journey of thieves

Summary (for plot purposes only)

Was there ever a time you wanted something you knew you could never have? Did you ever wish that for once in your sad life that you could do as you pleased and get what you wanted?

Well for Arion and her band of clever thieves, there was a time...

Join young and mischievous witches Arion, Rosalina, Sapphire, and as they journey through mystical worlds to escape the punishment and curse of thieves in Runaway : The journey of thieves...

~Preface~

The sound of treading black stallions on the rocky paths chased us everywhere we went. We could never escape the haunting sound; it was like a curse unable to be dispelled . We've traveled so far and so long to runaway; but the sound would continue to prevail. Just as we felt comfortable and secure, the sound would devour the shining moment. How did we get ourselves into this tricky situation? How did we put this unspeakably horrid curse on ourselves? We were running heavily, trying to escape our certain doom; the terrible punishment of thieves.

Chapter 1: The beginning

I barely remember what started this whole disaster. I was just a mere child trying to get by in life.

Now I remember. I had nothing.

A simple child born with not a single penny to her name, belonging and beholden to no one. I was an abandoned child left to live on the dark and gloomy streets of Castle, the capital city of the Magical World. My parents, my family… The whole Mystique clan was forever petrified into cold stone in a battle against the, against the…. treacherous One. We are not supposed to speak of he who commits violence, he who tortures, he who kills. For the simple call of his name will summon the beast.

Since I belonged to nobody, where was I to live? Who was to take care of me while I was just an infant? If it weren’t for Mrs. Marseille, my whole childhood history would’ve taken place in the hopeless dungeons of the city’s orphanage. A dark haired, fair skinned old widow with a twinkling set of emeralds for eyes. Before she died, she taught me just about everything she knew. Her knowledge spanned from forbidden spells, mystic trances, wicked hexes, magic charms, and deceptive enchantments. She had no children, so I became the sponge that absorbed all her wisdom. She had but one request before she died, and that was for her to forever live through the lives of others. I became the holder of the broken record known as her life.

While learning these enchantments in her sinister lair of a home, she found that I was gifted. Rarely a gift is ever bestowed upon the children of the Magical World, so my special powers raised my personal value. Common things like mind reading, future sight, and shape shifting were the usual gifts bestowed upon the few fortunate, but I was like nothing the world had ever seen before. I was able to see any place or any object at any given moment in time. My powerful mind could even travel through the borders and into other worlds and dimensions if I concentrated hard enough.

When I was thirteen, Mrs. Marseille eventually withered away into nothing but pixie dust. Her due time was supposed to be much earlier than it had been. However, someone told me that she survived all those extra years because she had something to live for again, me. Witches don’t like hearing icky love stories and sensitive things, so I had to pretend I didn’t hear that one. Witches do fall in love though, like Mrs. Marseille. In fact love was the exact reason she was able to die in the first place. You see, a witches’ death can only come from a few methods. You can either turn them into solid stone, burn their torn remains, or kill their significant other. The reason killing their significant other can kill the witch can be explained using some simple science. When a witch falls in love with a wizard, and the wizard falls in love with a witch, they exchange hearts. One heart for one heart. So the wizard holds and owns the heart of the witch while the witch holds and owns the heart of the sorcerer. Fair trade. Well if one of them were to be destroyed, then it would only seem right if their lover died also. The science is hard to explain though. If the wizard were to die, then the heart he possessed was the one belonging to his lover, so his lovers heart died. The heart held by his witch would have no body to belong to, so it would have to wither away into dust. That’s what happened to Mrs. Marseille, she withered away into dust.

Due to the lame and stupid rules of our monarchy government, her house and items would all belong to them. Bloody leeches, taking what doesn’t belong to them. But who am I to say something like that? I’m a thief also, but I only did for survival, and because I didn’t think the rules that applied were fair. In the Magical World, the strongest players play by their own rules. Even the lame monarchy don’t play by the rules they try to pass on their own people.

Mrs. Marseille’s side request was to “Never let their bloody paws touch a single page of this book! Get their hands on this and the rebellion our world has worked so hard on building will be down for.”

When a witch or wizard dies, the authorities are most likely to follow. The absence of their power notifies the authorities, so they immediately come to take their claim. The second I noticed her death I had a list of things to do before the law enforcements came. Before burning the house into flames, I had to pick up a few things in my rucksack. A cauldron full of treasures and gold coins, her fortune card, a travel sized magic mirror, a crystal ball, my wand, my enchanted key necklace, the book, an invisibility cloak, and a pouch full of magic charms. Talk about traveling light! Lucky for me that in the Magical World, enchanted bags could hope as much as you pleased without growing in size or weight.

Blazing flames devoured the old house slowly into dust. The flames were controlled by the traveling wind, flickering silently through the foggy air. Gray clouds of smoke arose into the sky, taunting the foul system we call a government. Then I was off.

]

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User avatar
Hannah
Review
Hannah wrote a review · Mon Jan 19, 2009 11:54 pm

^_^ Hallo, Shina! Here are some suggestions for you!

The sound of treading black stallions on the rocky paths chased us everywhere we went.


'Treading' seems a rather lackluster verb to use when describing the dramatic 'black stallions' and constant pursuit.

Definitions are as follows;

1. to set down the foot or feet in walking; step; walk.
2. to step, walk, or trample so as to press, crush, or injure something (usually fol. by on or upon): to tread on a person's foot.

So, treading is sort of like walking, though sometimes 'stomping' to a point, but it's not fast-paced as you might have meant it. I think 'galloping' or a faster verb like that would be better. Also 'the rocky paths' denotes that there are specific rocky paths you're talking about, and if that's not what you meant, you might want to change that up a bit. ^_^

We've traveled so far and so long to runaway; but the sound would continue to prevail.


Alright, there are two things I notice in the first half of the sentence. First of all, you've kept a tense of 'could' and 'would' throughout the rest of the prologue, so that when you say 'we have' and change the tense, it's a bit out of place. Also, 'traveled so far ... to runaway' is rather awkward because though they traveled in the act of run away, perhaps 'get away' would be more appropriate.

running heavily, trying to escape our certain doom;


I don't quite get 'running heavily' or understand what you're trying to illustrate by using that particular adverb. It could be either labored running because they've been running for so long, running with all their might because they're trying to escape -- any number of things, but the adverb you chose doesn't make it clear. ^_^

A simple child born with not a single penny to her name, belonging and beholden to no one.


This sentence is especially powerful and I like the parallel phrasing in 'belonging and beholden to no one.' Great work! ^_^

against the, against the…. treacherous One. We are not supposed to speak of he who commits violence, he who tortures, he who kills.


This hesitation of the narrator's, though understandable, breaks up the flow of the story.

hopeless dungeons of the city’s orphanage. A dark haired, fair skinned old widow with a twinkling set of emeralds for eyes.


I think this has been mentioned, but perhaps a different word should be used in place of 'dungeons'. 'Throes' is a nice word because it means like an agonizing struggle, which is dramatic, but maybe what you were going for. Then you have no verb in the second sentence, so you should probably say something like 'Mrs. Marseille' or 'my savior' if the narrator regards her adopter as such?

and that was for her to forever live through the lives of others. I became the holder of the broken record known as her life.


Through the lives of others? Wouldn't that mean more than one person? You'd think she'd just want to live on through the narrator, since that's the only person she taught? Also, 'broken record' makes me think that she just did the same thing over and over again and that her life was hopeless, which I shouldn't think a witch's life would be.

but I was like nothing the world had ever seen before. I was able to see any place or any object at any given moment in time.


Haha, this passage sounds a bit arrogant, like the narrator is completely bragging about her abilities and thinks she's super special. I suppose a little rewrite would be able to make it seem more like confidence and pride as opposed to arrogance, but I think the phrase 'the world had ever seen before' is like saying she's the best in the world. Certainly someone out there is more powerful. xD Anyways.

When I was thirteen, Mrs. Marseille eventually withered away into nothing but pixie dust. Her due time was supposed to be much earlier than it had been. However, someone told me that she survived all those extra years because she had something to live for again, me. Witches don’t like hearing icky love stories and sensitive things, so I had to pretend I didn’t hear that one.


>_< Eep! Well, first of all I thought it was odd that Mrs. Marseille turned into pixie dust when she was a witch! I'd think she'd turn into something a bit less cheery? I dunno. ^_^ Hehehe. Mm, also I don't get the last sentence -- is the narrator only pretending to act like what she thinks witches act like {i.e. not liking 'mushy' stories}? I guess that seems kind of silly to me -- she should be able to listen to whatever she wants to listen to. Hahaha. -shrugs- I guess maybe you should just word it a different way and make it clear that the narrator is making a choice to try to act like the stereotypical witch, not that she 'has' to because that's how she'd normally react. xP

The reason killing their significant other can kill the witch can be explained using some simple science. When a witch falls in love with a wizard, and the wizard falls in love with a witch, they exchange hearts. One heart for one heart. So the wizard holds and owns the heart of the witch while the witch holds and owns the heart of the sorcerer. Fair trade. Well if one of them were to be destroyed, then it would only seem right if their lover died also. The science is hard to explain though.


First of all, look at the two sentences at the beginning and end of this passage. The first says the science is 'simple', while the second says it is 'hard to explain'. >_< So, after reading through this explanation, I agree with the second sentence and you should probably take out that first one. I also think you need to try to explain this concept of heart trading better and maybe not HERE in the prologue of the story -- maybe bring it in at another time where it would fit better. ^_^

Due to the lame and stupid rules of our monarchy government, her house and items would all belong to them. Bloody leeches, taking what doesn’t belong to them. But who am I to say something like that? I’m a thief also, but I only did for survival, and because I didn’t think the rules that applied were fair. In the Magical World, the strongest players play by their own rules. Even the lame monarchy don’t play by the rules they try to pass on their own people.


Alright, I think that 'lame' and 'stupid' sound a bit out of character here! The tone of the rest of this piece is more eloquent, so 'lame' {which you also use in the last sentence here, so even if you don't get rid of the words, you should avoid that repetition} just breaks up the flow completely. >_> Also, coming back to this part of the story after taking a big side trip is kind of awkward and I got lost! Try making it flow better. ^_^ Also, the narrator's defense for being a thief and not following the rules doesn't really make sense to me. >_< If she doesn't like any rules, then she shouldn't complain about the government's thievery in the first place or at least claim that she's different from them. >_<

Mrs. Marseille’s side request was to “Never let their bloody paws touch a single page of this book! Get their hands on this and the rebellion our world has worked so hard on building will be down for.”


This also hearkens back to something you said a long time ago, so you should connect it back to that place better. She's dying, too, so I don't know why she'd expend so much energy on being angry about the request. >_< Meh, I dunno.

When a witch or wizard dies, the authorities are most likely to follow. The absence of their power notifies the authorities, so they immediately come to take their claim.


The first sentences kind of makes it sounds like if a witch or wizard dies, then the authorities do too -- you should clarify this. Also, you might want to use 'property' instead of 'claim'?

A cauldron full of treasures and gold coins, her fortune card, a travel sized magic mirror, a crystal ball, my wand, my enchanted key necklace, the book, an invisibility cloak, and a pouch full of magic charms. Talk about traveling light! Lucky for me that in the Magical World, enchanted bags could hope as much as you pleased without growing in size or weight.


First of all, that whole first sentence is a fragment -- there is no verb. Try tying it to the previous sentence with a colon. ^_^ When you say 'her fortune card', what do you mean? What 'her' are you referring to? My last comment would have to be about how the narrator refers to the 'Magical World'. Does this mean she knows there are other worlds? Are there other worlds? Consider these comments. ^_^

I like the start of this though, Shina. If I have time, I'll try to make it to the next chapters! <3

-Hannah-

User avatar
Vera Review
Vera wrote a review · Wed Jan 07, 2009 2:38 am

(Have tolerance! I'm new to reviewing.)

[The sound of treading black stallions on the rocky paths chased us everywhere we went. We could never escape the haunting sound; it was like a curse unable to be dispelled . We've traveled so far and so long to runaway; but the sound would continue to prevail. Just as we felt comfortable and secure, the sound would devour the shining moment. How did we get ourselves into this tricky situation? How did we put this unspeakably horrid curse on ourselves? We were running heavily, trying to escape our certain doom; the terrible punishment of thieves.]

Needs to be fixed a bit on the overall chase scene, too cliche-ish with 'how did we get ourselves into this tricky situation?' Tricky isn't quite the word to explain the situation. Also, 'Unspeakably horrid curse' is probably the worst part, in writing its valuable to use limited description words, just enough to not be cluttery, but not dull. Don't fret, plenty of writers make this mistake, doesn't mean they are bad. In my opinion, other then the cluttery-ness, its a notch above the level that I can write. Try refining your writing, 'big words' doesn't beef up the writing if used too much, try changing 'unspeakably horrid curse' into something akin to 'crisis'.... (Well, maybe not, but its still a bit better.)


[I barely remember what started this whole disaster. I was just a mere child trying to get by in life.


Now I remember. I had nothing.]

Nice job on relating to the character's past, this is one of the only parts that are just about perfect to match the story. Reminds me of how I write, but I'd probably write something 'Looking back, I ponder, how did I fall into this mess I'm in? Sure, I was a foolish child, but still....If I knew this would occur-' Okay, so not much better, but still, you are quite good at really expressing the character's feelings.

The rest of the story overall....Progressives much too fast. You are a good writer, but have a lot of flaws.

User avatar
Reuben A
Review

Elooo, been a while since I've been doing this, so have pity. :D


place in the hopeless dungeons of the city’s orphanage


Concise Oxford Dictionary - Dungeon = n. strong subterranean cell for prisoners. I think you should get another word there, maybe cellar?

burn their torn remains


Twilight?


When a witch falls in love with a wizard, and the wizard falls in love with a witch, they exchange hearts


Literally? :shock: Greusome.


enchanted bags could hope as much as you pleased


Hope? Hold?


Then I was off.[/size]


size?

Over all it was very good. Stuff like the exchanging hearts are also fine, cause it's how you want it. How you create your world is up to you. :D

User avatar
Squall
Review
Squall wrote a review · Sun Jan 04, 2009 12:35 pm

Hello angels-symphony. I will only be reviewing chapter 1 of this. I will be going straight to the overall impressions.

Overall impressions:

1)The mythos of your witches

The reason killing their significant other can kill the witch can be explained using some simple science. When a witch falls in love with a wizard, and the wizard falls in love with a witch, they exchange hearts. One heart for one heart. So the wizard holds and owns the heart of the witch while the witch holds and owns the heart of the sorcerer.


Seriously, what mythology are you following for your witches, or are you just making it up? I have never heard this before. I don't mind if you are trying to put a spin on witches, but the problem is that this idea fails, since it lacks logic. How can hearts exchange? Is this heart abstract or tangible? Why would they share their "hearts"? This isn't science, it's utter nonsense. I think it's also trite that you would resort certain problems. It doesn't help in making your story convincing. If love is that powerful, then why would they even need magic to live better lives?

2) The gifted protagonist

While learning these enchantments in her sinister lair of a home, she found that I was gifted.


So how did this witch know that the narrator's gifted?

I also think it's a cliche for having a main character that's more powerful than the rest. In the realms of fantasy, this has been done heaps. There doesn't even seem to be an effort made to deviate this idea from being just a cliche to something that is actually compelling and convincing to the audience. It seems too fortunate to have a gifted protagonist since conflicts in your narrative would be resolved much more easily. There doesn't even seem to be any draw backs to this either. This is just laziness. As an author, it's your job to figure out realistic and logical ways to solve conflicts to give reasons as to why the audience should care about your story. If your main character is gifted and powerful, it is likely that the audience would care about her much less since she will have little trouble resolving conflicts (the power that she has sound awfully powerful).

With every action, there has to be a consequence. For example, in the fantasy novel "The Amulet of Samarkand" by Jonathan Stroud, the main character, Nathaniel, pretty much had to devote his entire life to studying in order to become the talented magician that he is. The audience can relate to him, because he had to make great efforts and sacrifices to achieve his status. There is conflict in his studying and there's still conflict eve after he became a talented magician: his stubbornness, his lack of open mindedness, his naivety to the outside world, his lust for power etc.

Here is a summary of the book: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Amulet ... nd#Reviews

Have a read at that article to learn as to why that book is so critically acclaimed (as well as being one of my favourite fantasy novels of all time).

Also, read this article too: http://amethyst-angel.com/cliche.html

Cliches in fantasy must be avoided at all costs as it makes your piece unrealistic, hence making it more difficult for the audience to relate to your novel and be interested on the whole. If you are intending to use a cliche, you have to use the cliche in a fresh new direction or to give the cliche more drawback/consequences to make it more realistic.

Lastly, you also have an issue with "show and tell" but I'm going to give you a benefit of a doubt and pretend that you know what that term means and that you are able to remedy it. If not, here is also an article: http://jerz.setonhill.edu/writing/creative/showing.htm

Good luck.

Andy.



A jury consists of twelve people who determine which client has the better lawyer.
— Robert Frost