Hey guys ^^ This is my updated version of Retrieving the Lost. It's temporarily discontinued, but due to the fact that my folders are flooded with unfinished stories, I'm post it here on YWS so I can clean out my files. xD I just remembered this was my failed attempt at JulNo, so I apologize for it not being up to my usual standards.
Preface:
A swarm of children flooded the dimly lit streets. Only the sound of music filled the empty air; a single enchanting melody with magic as its soul. With their eyes wide open, and their minds lost in dreamland, they walked forward, following the spellbinding sound.
Waiting at the end of the pier was a polished, brown vessel adorned with brilliant, yellow Christmas lights like a carnival ride. The strings of light reflected on the water’s surface with a faint glow.
One by one, they filed down the pier and onto the ship, all traces of conscious stolen from their eyes. Up on the tallest mast was the source of the melody, a figure draped in shadow with fingers flitting across an instrument with unparalleled skill. The wings of the ship’s figurehead seemed to flutter as its wild tresses flew behind it; her eyes glinted a shade of rich gold. Something nearby crackled like thunder, and the ship was off.
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Just realized I only needed the preface to keep the idea.
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140,284 Literary Works • 673,074 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Hmm well this is quite the start here. It seems like you're attempting something of a retelling of a fairly tale that I really can't seem to quite remember the name of at the moment, but I do know there was a fairly tale at least this as one of the elements if not the rest of it, so perhaps this one is simply inspired by that. Either way this is a pretty cool and very scary concept here.
I think the way you set this up is pretty neat here. You keep just about the right level of mystery only showing us sort of where the children are headed but hardly revealing anything that could be constituted as why. Its a lovely way to really instill a bit of fear into that whole area without revealing too much.
All in all as far as the beginning of something goes, this one is pretty effective and drawing us in here and it definitely does enough to have us very much wanting to find out more just to know how this happened if not to also find out if what the title here suggests does in fact end up happening.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
I'm sorry to say but I do kind of agree with the above.... And I'm not to fond of the name forte... as said above however, this was rather short so it is kind of hard to review. Two things that I noticed that need fixing are.
Molly needs to be changed to Molly's and One needs to be changed to won.updated and temporarily discontinued xD
xD This is the beginning idea, it hasn't really progressed yet.
umm. I don't know. This was weird. Not bad, not good. Just weird.
I had some trouble following the beginning. It seemed very dry and dull. This is just me, but I was hoping for a bit more action. More spunk. Something to get me excited for the story.
Then again, this was a very short passage.