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Young Writers Society



.:Dream Catcher:. [preface]

by Angels-Symphony


Hey guys ^^ I think I posted this on YWS once before when it was an ickier draft, but since I'm cleaning out my folders and I don't want to lose my old ideas, I'm posting it again as a back up. It's an idea on hold for the time being. Feel free to review if you'd like ^^

Preface:

I felt something flutter in my stomach.

“Welcome all students, teachers, members, and friends of the Nova Corporation to Illusion Square for our annual challenge,” The company president announced. The sound waves of his voice boomed from the loudspeakers, forcing my body to resonate along with its hum.

Anxiety? Excitement?

“Pay attention, Aaralyn!” This is no time for spacing.” Shira snapped, nearly ripping my arm off as she shook it.

After blinking a few times to fade back to reality, I recoiled my arm.

“Sorry, Shira. Just thinking about stuff…” I whispered back to her, but she had already turned her attention back to the Nova Corp president. Rolling my eyes, I snorted and sunk into my chair like it was quick sand.

Standing only three rows in front of me was the distinguished stage of Illusion Square, and standing on top of the stage was the archaic President Nova. The very man speaking upon the platform was probably one of the most important, richest men in the world, and yet I couldn’t seem to care less.

A million thoughts buzzed past me, preventing any form of concentration. The fact that a government alliance stole me away from my family was no longer the issue that concerned me, nor was the concept of attending an academy located on a private campus with hundreds of other “gifted” people like myself. Kaleb Valter was the person on my mind, him and the rest of the mysterious Rave Academy panel.

An average person who’d lived a normal life for fifteen years would be awed to a point of mesmerization by her own supernatural surroundings, but then again, I’m not an average person am I? It’s only expected of me to get into the complicated affairs of Mirage Academy’s top rival, Rave Academy. And it’s only more expected of me to become completely fascinated with their top student, Commander Kaleb Valter. Kaleb is the leader of Rave Academy’s panel. In other words, he’s the leader of my enemies, well Mirage’s enemies.

Although Mirage and Rave Academy are on the same private campus and are both owned by President Nova, they’re still rivals competing for the gold like they’ve been for decades. When the Nova campus opened years and years ago, the goal of the President was to create a safe environment for people, kids in particular, with special abilities and powers. He wanted to strengthen their skills and make them as great as they could be.

Along with the birth of the Nova campus was the birth of a tradition that still continues today. A special team of students called “The Panel” is formed in both Mirage and Rave Academy each year. The Panel consists of the top five students in each school that are hand-selected by principals such as abilities, strength, skills, intelligence, and power.

The ceremony that launches the event is held at Illusion Square. Throughout the years, the competition’s objectives have been altered to fit the company’s as well as the governments needs. That’s where the panels of each school come in. We’re the players of a game, a game we didn’t even choose to play. But once you enter, you are forbidden to leave until the end of the competition. That’s what the rules say, anyway.

If you run away, they’ll find you. If you refuse to take any action, they’ll make you play. The government always gets what they want here, by any means necessary. They say it’s for the good of the nation, and for nations all over the world. They say it’s an overall benefit for everyone, but what about us? Is it even something we choose to do? Is forcing innocent people against their will simply because they have charismatic abilities for the benefit of everyone? How come we never got a say in a decision that would last a lifetime?

It’s because They have all the power, that’s why.

In this world, power is everything. Whoever has the most power is the strongest player in the game called Life, a game in which only the fittest survive. Play your cards right and you can live a happy life. Make a wrong move and you’re in serious trouble. There are no breaks, no time-outs, and definitely no rewind button. What you do is history. It’s all about what you do right now that affects your outcome.

Life is a game that requires tactics and strategy to conquer all obstacles and battles. But even more, life is a game of chance.

Things are never completely fair, no matter how much justice you deserve. It’s all luck, chance, and the course of destiny. You can always change the course of destiny, however. The way your life starts may not be your decision, nor will the way your life ends, but the way you live your life is something completely up to you. Our lives are individual novels, each of us being our own authors. The pen is in our hands, now if we could only have minds broad enough to realize that…

“Aaralyn, stop spacing!” Shira hissed, almost knocking me off my chair. I had to grab onto the bottom of my seat to keep myself from slipping off the edge. Just as I opened my mouth to retort, the president began to speak.

“I am proud to announce that this year’s Dream Catching Challenge is once again in play,” the president continued. Each of his words were enunciated with great precision, his voice profound with many years of experience latched to them.

I squinted, trying to get a better look at the president since he rarely ever showed himself. From the looks of it, he was a tall man with broad soldiers and a pressed suit. Rai would surely bet that every inch of his suit was bullet proof, even if it did look like silk. Body guards with earpieces, weapons, and midnight shades surrounded him. A snow-white fluff covered the head of Nova’s president while hundreds of wrinkles rode his face like the waves of the ocean.

Like his body guards, he wore dark sunshades that completely covered his eyes unlike those grill-shades they have nowadays. Some people say he wears them because he has some sort of laser-vision that could destroy us all. Others say that it’s because he’s got a messed-up eye or something, but to me he looked like a normal old man, just covered head-to-toe with defense mechanisms and weapons that could probably destroy a planet.

A person’s a person no matter what, right? Didn’t Shakespeare establish that centuries ago when he wrote the Merchant of Venice? We do good, we do evil; we do right, we do wrong; we breathe and we laugh; we live and we love.

In our world, we use differences as reasons to keep us apart, to separate us from each other. You may be richer than the next man and you may be stronger then your brother, but does that make your heart beat any different? Some may do good in the world to help other people and others may cause destruction, but does that not mean we all don’t have dreams?

All of us have dreams deep within us, desires that can only be satisfied once we take action. Dreams are the birth of life. They are the heart of our motivation. Every person wants something, there’s no harm in that. It’s only the matter of how we achieve these dreams that seems to be troubling.

“The tradition of our annual competition has been passed down for decades, only a few things subjective. This year, that will all change.” The president’s lips curled into a wry smile. The crowd gasped, their bodies leaning closer toward the stage as if being magnetized. “Like last year, the goal for Rave and Mirage Academy’s panel is to work as a team to obtain dream power in order to provide energy for their academies. What kind of dreams and how they obtain them is of no matter, but there are some rules that go along with this challenge. The members of the panels may not put anyone to death during this challenge. They are not to destroy buildings or houses and they may not let any humans see their powers or capture their identity. Any breaking of the rules will result in immediate loss of points or temporary suspension. The challenge has no time limit until further notice.

"The point system is as follows: points will be given depending on the power of the dream. Each member will be given a dream holder to store dreams. After their missions they shall empty their dream holders into the dream converter in their headquarters and points will be added into their systems.” He explained, gripping the podium before him. “Be warned that until the dreams are deposited into the dream converter, they are still in the game. The positions of each house have already been filled in advance. Their first mission shall be this evening ad midnight.” The president lifted his head away from the microphone, placing his shoulders back to adjust his posture. The audience froze and remained silent.

What happened to the big change? I wondered, my bottom at the edge of my seat.

Silence lingered the crowd until one spoke up. Upon the red-headed lady was a brave face, beside her, clenched fists. From the end of her skirt I could see her knees tremble as she swallowed a lump in her throat.

“What’s the new reward for this challenge?” She asked with ringing confidence. The crowd once again gasped in unison. The lady ceased to tremble.

The wry smile rose back on the president’s face and he began to chuckle.

“Oh yes,” He said smugly. “I forgot about that.”

A sigh of relief escaped me. He really forgot, or was he just trying to get us all worked up?

“As you know, I have been the founder, creator, and owner of the Nova Corporation for years. I have dedicated my life to this business and to building the Nova Empire.” He explained, not in any way hurrying. “From decades and decades of work, I have come to realize and evaluate the concept of not living forever. No human can live forever. We all have a time to enter this world and a time to exit this stage. For most people, death is something that only affects the lives of a few people or their family. However, if I were to die, my death wouldn’t affect only but a few people, would it? The problem stumped me for quite a long while. If I were to leave this world, what would happen to my empire and the millions of people that depend on me to live their lives? What would happen to all the long hours of research, studies, and hard work if I left? And then again, wouldn’t I like to leave something behind in this world to be remembered by? And wouldn’t I still want to achieve my dream of being able to help the world by all means possible.

After months and months of deep contemplation, I have come to the conclusion that this is my final year leading the Nova Corporation. After this final year I shall no longer be the commander of Nova’s operations. It is in my best interest to keep the national icon alive through youth, and that is why I shall renounce my title.” As the president finished his speech, he bowed his head down, a weak smile growing on his face.

There had never been anything weak about President Nova, until then.

“But who will take your place? Who can take your place?” I turned my head in the direction of the speaker. It was the same woman from earlier.

“That is where the change is in this year’s competition.” The president flashed a toothy grin. “he winning team of this year’s competition shall be the new leaders of Nova. Do not fear that they are not experienced enough, for they have been trained their whole lives for a destiny such as this. They were built strong and nurtured with intelligent minds. I have complete faith in entitling any one of them with this company, but only one team shall be victorious.” The president concluded his last sentence with a dramatic pause before walking off the stage for the last time.

His body guards walked off with him, positioning themselves at every angle danger could possibly appear. The second he exited, the lights in the square shut off, leaving the students and the teachers in the later afternoon sun. Dusk was coming and the shadows of the surrounding buildings were growing longer.

The challenge was only soon to begin…


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11 Reviews


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Fri Jul 31, 2009 3:05 pm
Miniauthor wrote a review...



This was really great! The parts about the game of life really made me think, and it made me sort of connect with the character somehow, though I'm not sure why.

Anyway, the others pretty much covered most of the critiques I spotted, but I just wanted to say that I was a bit confused on the whole dream/powers thing. You mentioned that the people that went to this school had special powers, and I was thinking more along the lines of like super strength or psychics or something like that, and then you mention catching dreams in a net. I'm not really sure whether that has anything to do with their powers, or if it's just one person that did something to the nets to make them able to hold dreams or what, so that just was a little odd to me. Everything else was pretty much already mentioned, so I guess that's it!

Let me know if you're going to add more to this, it was really intriguing!

~Miniauthor~




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Thu Jul 30, 2009 1:44 am
Angels-Symphony says...



Bickazer wrote:Aughhh...this preface thing. XD My personal preferences are coming in play, but I really don't like the idea of prefaces. This reads much more like a first chapter than a preface. I get the sneaking suspicion that it'll probably be much more effective as a first chapter.


Actually, I think you have a good point there =_= I originally wrote this as a storybook but made the idea a novel instead, which explains why the preface tells about the rules.


There's a fine line between mysterious-vague and confusing-vague, though. The vagueness on the powers was handled well--we get just enough (the insinuation that the powers are connected to dreams) to satisfy our initial curiosity but also leave us curious. The vagueness with the friends...not so much. It just left me mortally confused. >_>

@_@ I think I should fix this, but I'm having trouble deciding on what to start with. I want the action of it to show in the beginning, but I don't want the characters to be... confusing.

It's a good start, though. Are you thinking of continuing this?

This was a side novel I was writing before I finished Angel's Symphony, and I am supposed to continue it xD I used to write it in my homeroom classes because we never did anything, but I'm still working on how I want the scenes to work. I know the plot, but I'm not sure what the put where.

I'll try rewriting this and switching things around.

Thanks Bickazer ^^

-Shina




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Thu Jul 30, 2009 1:08 am
Bickazer says...



Aughhh...this preface thing. XD My personal preferences are coming in play, but I really don't like the idea of prefaces. This reads much more like a first chapter than a preface. I get the sneaking suspicion that it'll probably be much more effective as a first chapter.

There's a fine line between mysterious-vague and confusing-vague, though. The vagueness on the powers was handled well--we get just enough (the insinuation that the powers are connected to dreams) to satisfy our initial curiosity but also leave us curious. The vagueness with the friends...not so much. It just left me mortally confused. >_>

It's a good start, though. Are you thinking of continuing this?




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Thu Jul 30, 2009 12:34 am
Angels-Symphony says...



xD Yeah, it's a bit vague. It's a preface, though. So it's meant to be that way.

It's a glimpse at the future because the characters not mentioned much will come into play later. Chapter one is where the beginning of it starts, and mentioning more about Shira or the others would kind of tell you too much. You'll meet those characters when the time comes.

-Shina




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Wed Jul 29, 2009 10:08 pm
Bickazer wrote a review...



Hi, Shina, I'm here with a review. ^^ I actually had one halfway typed up, but my internet conked out on me...so I probably won't go as in-depth as I usually do.

I felt something flutter in my stomach.


Meh, a bit of a weak opener. It'd be stronger as "Something fluttered in my stomach", or better yet, describe what the "something" is. I see a fun chance to play with the cliche "butterflies in my stomach".

The sound waves of his voice boomed from the loudspeakers, forcing my body to resonate along with its hum.


This is using too many words to state a simple thought. "Sound waves" is part of it; it sounds too scientific to be used in this context. Excise unnecessary words: "His voice, booming from the loudespeakers, resonated in my body".

I recoiled my arm.


This is improper usage of "recoiled".

Standing only three rows in front of me was the distinguished stage of Illusion Square, and standing on top of the stage was the archaic President Nova.


This sentence doesn't work in part because it's too stuffed with adjectives. "Distinguished", "archaic". Also, you're misusing "archaic" (it means something outdated/outmoded, when I think you simply mean "old"). Use details to show how the stage is distinguished, and how the president is old.

I typically do not think of stages a "standing", either. It's an odd choice of word.

The very man speaking upon the platform was probably one of the most important, richest men in the world, and yet I couldn’t seem to care less.


I would like a little elaboration on why the narrator doesn't care. It would help me connect with her, because right now, despite the story being first person, I'm honestly not feeling much for the MC because I don't know much about her aside from her name.

A million thoughts buzzed past me, preventing any form of concentration. The fact that a government alliance stole me away from my family was no longer the issue that concerned me, nor was the concept of attending an academy located on a private campus with hundreds of other “gifted” people like myself. Kaleb Valter was the person on my mind, him and the rest of the mysterious Rave Academy panel.


Another fairly "meh" paragraph. Though it's cool how you're slipping worldbuilding details naturally into the flow of your narrative instead of doing the dread infodump, it doesn't have the emotional impact it ought to because it reads like a textbook. "Preventing any form of...", "the fact that...", "issue that concerned me...", "concept of...", etc. They make your main character sound like a robot.

The mention of Kaleb Valter at the end is confusing because you don't talk about him again until the end of the next paragraph.


Although Mirage and Rave Academy are on the same private campus and are both owned by President Nova, they’re still rivals competing for the gold like they’ve been for decades. When the Nova campus opened years and years ago, the goal of the President was to create a safe environment for people, kids in particular, with special abilities and powers. He wanted to strengthen their skills and make them as great as they could be.


I can excuse this infodump because it's necessary, and you've somewhat set it up with the action beforehand. However, I'd like to know more about these academies--in particular, what sort of powers do the students who attend them have? You keep mentioning these powers, but without firsthand displaying what they're like, it's hard for readers to swallow the concept.

And how exactly do the schools compete? I get the feeling it's like a tournament...but you could do with elucidating from the get-go.

Along with the birth of the Nova campus was the birth of a tradition that still continues today.


Not fond of the repetition of "birth" in this sentence.

That’s where the panels of each school come in. We’re the players of a game, a game we didn’t even choose to play. But once you enter, you are forbidden to leave until the end of the competition. That’s what the rules say, anyway.
If you run away, they’ll find you. If you refuse to take any action, they’ll make you play. The government always gets what they want here, by any means necessary. They say it’s for the good of the nation, and for nations all over the world. They say it’s an overall benefit for everyone, but what about us? Is it even something we choose to do? Is forcing innocent people against their will simply because they have charismatic abilities for the benefit of everyone? How come we never got a say in a decision that would last a lifetime?


This is a very tough sell. I'm already doubting the sensibility and veracity of such a thing. Why? I want to know why, beyond some platitudes about "power". It seems almost over-the-top. What sort of government would hunt children to make them participate in this competition (which I still know nothing about, by the way). It seems like a textbook "evil government", but even the deepest totalitarianship has reasons for doing what they're doing.

A lot of this stems from not being specific enough. Why would the government say that this competition thing is good for the nations of the world? It feels like flimsy justification, an excuse for a tournament story. I can't fault that because hey, tournaments are cool, but you're making it hard for me the reader to suspend my disbelief.

I can see a glimmering of a deeper explanation, however; particularly the way the main character speaks about being forced to perform for everyone. It could be that the government views the people with powers as freaks, little more than circus sideshows intended to keep the common people empty-eyed and entertained with spectacles. This could be a fascinating tangent if pursued. I'd be all over a book like that. It would show more insight than a stereotypical fantasy, or even a stereotypical superpowered-human story. Especially if connected with a government that is actually declining and is trying to divert the everyday population from its failures by putting on big spectacular shows.

In this world, power is everything. Whoever has the most power is the strongest player in the game called Life, a game in which only the fittest survive. Play your cards right and you can live a happy life. Make a wrong move and you’re in serious trouble. There are no breaks, no time-outs, and definitely no rewind button. What you do is history. It’s all about what you do right now that affects your outcome.
Life is a game that requires tactics and strategy to conquer all obstacles and battles. But even more, life is a game of chance.
Things are never completely fair, no matter how much justice you deserve. It’s all luck, chance, and the course of destiny. You can always change the course of destiny, however. The way your life starts may not be your decision, nor will the way your life ends, but the way you live your life is something completely up to you. Our lives are individual novels, each of us being our own authors. The pen is in our hands, now if we could only have minds broad enough to realize that…


Please delete this entire section or reduce it to a few sentences. A lot of this is restating the exact same topic. It gets tiresome, very quickly, and it doesn't offer anything new besides making me feel slightly annoyed with your main character. I am not fond of abstract musings and monologues, as they are usually an excuse for the author to go on and on while keeping the actual story at a standsill.

The thing about the novels at the end starts veering into schmaltzy territory as well.

Rai would surely bet that every inch of his suit was bullet proof, even if it did look like silk.


I like this as a piece of characterization, even though we haven't met the character yet.

Body guards


"Bodyguards" is one word.

A snow-white fluff covered the head of Nova’s president while hundreds of wrinkles rode his face like the waves of the ocean.


A nice image, but it has some problems because waves are typically seen as in motion, while wrinkles are stationary.

A person’s a person no matter what, right? Didn’t Shakespeare establish that centuries ago when he wrote the Merchant of Venice? We do good, we do evil; we do right, we do wrong; we breathe and we laugh; we live and we love.
In our world, we use differences as reasons to keep us apart, to separate us from each other. You may be richer than the next man and you may be stronger then your brother, but does that make your heart beat any different? Some may do good in the world to help other people and others may cause destruction, but does that not mean we all don’t have dreams?
All of us have dreams deep within us, desires that can only be satisfied once we take action. Dreams are the birth of life. They are the heart of our motivation. Every person wants something, there’s no harm in that. It’s only the matter of how we achieve these dreams that seems to be troubling.


More abstract navel-gazing. Do...not...want... >_>

If you want the character to contemplate something (though I don't recommend it), have her think about her personal experiences instead of this vast musing on the entire world and history and Shakespeare and so on. It'll come across as less pretentious, and help us empathize more with the character to boot.

“The tradition of our annual competition has been passed down for decades, only a few things subjective. This year, that will all change.” The president’s lips curled into a wry smile. The crowd gasped, their bodies leaning closer toward the stage as if being magnetized. “Like last year, the goal for Rave and Mirage Academy’s panel is to work as a team to obtain dream power in order to provide energy for their academies. What kind of dreams and how they obtain them is of no matter, but there are some rules that go along with this challenge. The members of the panels may not put anyone to death during this challenge. They are not to destroy buildings or houses and they may not let any humans see their powers or capture their identity. Any breaking of the rules will result in immediate loss of points or temporary suspension. The challenge has no time limit until further notice.
"The point system is as follows: points will be given depending on the power of the dream. Each member will be given a dream holder to store dreams. After their missions they shall empty their dream holders into the dream converter in their headquarters and points will be added into their systems.” He explained, gripping the podium before him. “Be warned that until the dreams are deposited into the dream converter, they are still in the game. The positions of each house have already been filled in advance. Their first mission shall be this evening ad midnight.” The president lifted his head away from the microphone, placing his shoulders back to adjust his posture. The audience froze and remained silent.


This information is interesting and it's a nice round-about way to introduce your magic system 9as one centered around dreams). However...it's a tad long. I'd typically recommend intercutting a big block of dialogue with reactions and interjections, but it doesn't seem right here since it's just one man giving a speech. Maybe have more of the main character's thoughts interspersed through the speech.

He really forgot, or was he just trying to get us all worked up?


Maybe it's just personal preference, but I feel this sentence would start better with a "Had".

And wouldn’t I still want to achieve my dream of being able to help the world by all means possible.


You need a question mark here. :)

There had never been anything weak about President Nova, until then.


I feel like you need more elaboration on this here. We haven't seen enough of the President's previous "strength" for us to really judge.

\“That is where the change is in this year’s competition.” The president flashed a toothy grin. “he winning team of this year’s competition shall be the new leaders of Nova. Do not fear that they are not experienced enough, for they have been trained their whole lives for a destiny such as this. They were built strong and nurtured with intelligent minds. I have complete faith in entitling any one of them with this company, but only one team shall be victorious.” The president concluded his last sentence with a dramatic pause before walking off the stage for the last time.


This is paragraph is fine by itself, and an interesting twist--but a twist only really holds up if the characters react to this. What does the main character think? Does the crowd go wild? I can't imagine everyone just listening politely and clapping after such a thunderous announcement.

The challenge was only soon to begin…


"The challenge would soon begin" removes icky passive voice and unnecessary adverb.

Overall thoughts:

I may have come across as rather harsh in the review, but honestly, I liked this! The idea is an interesting one and different from most other fantasies, whether of the sword-and-sorcery or urban variety. I like the futuristic feel to the story, in part because I'm a sucker for stories that amalgate science fiction and fantasy. And the idea of a tournament in which the main character is an unwilling participant is a fascinating one, especailly since there seems to be much more to the tournament than just "defeat the opponent"! Though you've only dropped a few hints here and there, your overarching society already seems like a well-built, intriguing one.

That being said, there were parts I didn't like. In particular, your narrator's voice. I couldn't connect with the main character at all. I don't know anything about her except that her name is Aaralyn, she doesn't like the challenges and the government, and she likes to monologue. That's not enough to make her a well-rounded protagonist who the reader can immediately latch on to, especially when you're writing in first person. I wanted to know more of Aaralyn's feelings (beyond just the monologuing). More on who she is as a person. I know this is just a prelude, but given it's the first time the audience meets your main character, there needs to be more substance behind her.

Part of that stems from her not having a distinctive voice. Her narration could get almost textbookishly formal at time, distancing the audience from her. I couldn't believe for an instant that she was a real teen. One big advantage of first person is you can write like the character would actually talk; use it. Imagine her speaking to you and write that way. It'll feel much more natural.

I couldn't see much about any of the other characters, either. President Nova felt perfectly generic, Shira was just a voice and an arm, and she made a mention of this "Rai" but never brought it up again, and this Kaleb Valter was also little more than a cameo. I couldn't even picture the setting that well. Were they at one of the schools? Who else was listening to the speech--the students, or the general populace? I suspect a lot of this comes from devoting paragraphs to the monologuing, paragraphs that could be spent building up the setting and characters and making the reader truly feel like they were there at the moment. Granted, the main character wasn't paying attention to her settings...so it will be difficult to describe it more realistically.

Overall, I'd say the biggest problem in this piece lies from a main character who we know nothing about; many of the other problems stem from that. Work harder on making the main character more of a real person and establishing a connection between her and the reader.

Don't get discouraged by this review, I did like the ideas presented in this piece. ^^ PM me if you have questions (or want to scream at me, I'm cool with that), and the best of luck in your endeavors.





the button war, the egg being featured member, and santa necro-liking halloween-esque works are the reasons i love yws
— Carina