This is not a fictional story. It’s not a poem, or an English assignment or anything else I usually post on here. It’s more like a rant than anything else. I didn’t write this for anyone to read, or review. I’m writing this for me. You really don’t have to read what’s here, I’ll probably bore you to death.
Firstly, I am okay. Usually when people write serious stuff they get flooded with love and questions asking if they’re alright. So I’ll tell you now, I’m fine. I just have a lot on my mind, and honestly, writing it out and maybe hearing some other people’s feeling will just help me get a little more clarity. I don't normally share this kind of thing, but maybe it will help.
-(if you don’t want to stick around, just read the last sentence) I'll try and make it entertaining.
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These are some things that have happened to me in my past. I don’t like thinking about the past at all. I leave those things behind me and move forward as quickly as possible, so when it comes time for me to reflect, it’s kind of difficult, because It’s something I’m not used to doing. The things that are on my mind right now boil down to one topic. Loss. more specifically, losing people.
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I have some questions for you.
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Have you ever lost someone?
How did you deal with it?
Were you hurt?
…or just confused?
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I grew up in the country, I live in the same house I’ve always lived in. I haven’t had an easy life, but I won’t complain. I know lots of people have it worse, so I just try my best to be the best person I can be, and make life a little easier on the people around me. Of course I’m not perfect. And I’d never pretend to be…
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When I was about 5 years old, I made my first friend, I will call him James. My sister would always play with James’ two sisters, while James and I would do the things that most young boys or tomboys such as myself would stereotypically do. Climbing trees and riding bikes and throwing rocks at each other and running through the field behind his house with nerf guns and such. Our moms would talk late into the night, and while my sister was with his sisters, probably braiding hair and talking about stereotypically “girly things.” James and I would sit on the porch steps and look at his rock collection and talking about cars until it was time to go. But the way my family and his family were raised, it was wrong for a girl and a guy to be best friends. So I had to pretend that I was best friends with his sister, and in public I had to spend more time with her. Which was fine and all four of us became friends. Eventually we started hanging out with all his many siblings until there was a group of 9 of us all hanging out together until I was 10 years old and things started to change.
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I lost someone (for the first time since my grandfather passed) when I was 9. I had a great family, my Dad was a pastor, my parents had a happy marriage, I had two much older sibling that took care of and played with me and my sister a lot. We had the picture perfect family. But, when I was nine, I was playing with my dad’s phone, when a text came in from someone. I tried to click off it, but instead it took me into his texts, where to my horror, I discovered he was cheating on my mom with another woman. I didn’t know how to react, so out of fear, I stayed silent. A few months later everything fell apart on it’s own and my Dad abandoned us. My mom had to go get a job, and a lot of people didn’t like us anymore because of what my dad had done.
James’ family still supported us, but it became awkward.
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I remember I was about ten years old, and James was a bit older than me and he was going through puberty along with his brothers, they were growing up without me, and the guy I’d been friends with since I was 5 years old was becoming a stranger to me. It became awkward every time we talked… and I hated it. Then about two years later everything began to look up! finally!
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I was beginning to heal from the disaster that had wrecked our home life I started to realize that I could survive without my dad and even be stronger because of what had happened, and I finally had a friend again, All of us were rediscovering who we were as we all became teenagers, and thankfully we started doing that together. James was once again my closest friend and we started hanging out in a different way as our moms became more comfortable with us hanging out together as one girl and one boy because we’d known each other for so long. But I was an absolute idiot…
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When my dad first left, my sister and I were very different, and even had different opinions on what had happened. She hated my dad and never wanted to see him again, and decided that she hated me too because I still loved him. That caused us to start fighting ALL. THE. TIME. I feared our relationship would never get better, but as we grew older and more mature, we started talking again. Now we talk about everything, and I don’t know what I would do without her. When we started talking though, my older sister, being a 14 year old girl, would often talk about boys. I would join in the conversation, but I never talked quite like she did and I was very confused as to what was different. We once had a conversation where she was describing what it was like for her to have a crush when I came to the realization and told her that “I don’t think I’ve ever had a crush, I’ve said before I’ve had one, but I thought a crush was what you felt when you like someone and think they’re attractive. Not actually being ATTRACTED to them.”
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She was shocked. we didn’t talk about it for a while, but I was doing one research in my alone time, which even once included the google search “What is love” I was searching my heart and the internet for an answer as to why I was different than all the other girls and boys I knew. I even once went to James’ brother to ask what a crush was. HE tried to explain but couldn’t. Eventually I came to a conclusion, but hadn’t yet told anyone.
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One day my sister was talking about a crush when I said, “I still don’t understand.” and she replied with… “I think you might be asexual.” to which I replied. “I am.”
we talked for a while longer about it and it went well, she was very understanding and helped me do a little more research as I was still a bit confused. So we came to the conclusion that I am Asexual and Aromantic, I always said I never planned on getting married, and I never talked about wanting a boyfriend or girlfriend. Basically, I can look at a person and say, “Ooooh I’d like to stare at them for a while because I find them aesthetically pleasing. but I don’t want anything from them physically, sexually, or romantically.” The limit of my attraction to a person is wanting to become friends with them and look at their faces. But I don’t get romantically or physically attached.
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So anyway, I am terrible when it comes to being tuned in to my emotions. Sometimes I will say hurtful things and my sister will correct me and the conversation usually goes something like this.
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Her: “alright Sherlock, maybe not the best thing to say in that situation.”
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Me: “Why not?”
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Her: “You can’t just say that!”
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Me: “WHY NOT?”
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Her: “Because that’s insulting to his/her intelligence and so now they feel bad.”
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Me: “But it’s true, if people can’t handle the truth and listen to a logical explanation then what’s the point?
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her: “*SIGH* I’ll go talk to him/her.”
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She saves all my relationships. I really don’t notice if someone is making a pass at me or they mean something other than what they say. I don’t do well with figuring out when someone is being sarcastic or hinting at something, I just take them literally.
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So you know how I said a while back I was an idiot? this is what I was talking about.
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James and I became very close, to the point where we would spend a lot of time together, he’d say a lot of flirty and sweet things to me, and we’d hold hands under the table, and guess what I thought… “We were best friends.” I know… Idiot. I totally didn’t get the fact that he wanted more than a friendship even when he’d come right out and say the most obvious things. The problem was, I’d flirt back, thinking it was some sort of game people normally played, until my sister informed me…. that was not the case, he had fallen completely in love with me and I had been leading him on.
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We went on like this for a good two years before the third year became one of the most painful things I’ve ever gone through. I came out as asexual in his families car on our way home one night, some of them didn’t understand or thought it was funny, all in all no one really cared or thought about it much. But that’s when James knew I didn’t love him in the same way. The next year we started growing apart as I began realizing that it hurt him to spend time with me, and he eventually got a girlfriend. He didn’t need a girl as his best friend, he wanted a significant other, so once he got one. He didn’t need me anymore at all. I lost him forever.
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even when they first started dating, he’d try to get away from her to spend time with me, just to see if I would give. But I never did. And thus ended the two happiest years of my life, and thus began one of the toughest ones I’ve ever had to endure. He would just look at me, with the most heart breaking expression I’d ever seen on him, from across the room and then slowly turn his attention to his new girlfriend, who (turns out) he didn’t really love. Guess what… they’re getting married.
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As much as I DIDN’T have a romantic or physical attraction to him, I loved him. I loved him so much…
- So I lost my best friend. I turned to his sisters and we hung out a lot until I got so close to them we called each other “sister” and we’d even tell strangers we were real sisters. We acted like we were, we became very close very fast. Guess what… My best friend necklace is in a box collecting dust, holding the memories of how they both independently lied to me manipulated me and ran away from home, never to speak to me again. One of them even became involved with the guy that she promised me she’d NEVER be with because of the things he had done to hurt the people that I love.
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During those times, my Dad bought and sent me an iPod, and I discovered the wonderful world of the internet, where I made a couple of friends. One of the best friends I ever made one there was a guy named Morgen, he was a very calm and collected guy who was a few years older than me. He gave the best advice ever! He helped me in times when I felt abandoned or insecure in any way. He was very sweet and intelligent and even helped me with some of my homework assignments. but guess what…
He died. The one person who was always there during that time, and could always make me feel better, and DIDN’T stab me in the back… died. the worst part was, my family wouldn’t let me talk to anyone over the internet no matter how careful I was because they thought something terrible would happen, even though I used fake names and ages and was very careful. So my internet friends were a secret. So when Morgen died, I had to go through the loss completely alone, I couldn’t even tell my mother someone I loved had died.
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The other friend I made on the internet was a girl named Alia, guess what… she committed suicide because of her abusive foster parents. I lost her too and I couldn’t tell anyone. I was very confused and just tried not to think about it. I had lost James, his two sisters, Alia, and Morgen in the span of three years, in the time I was SUPPOSED to be healing from losing my dad. I tried to overcome trust issues and my fears of abandonment, but it seemed like overtime it started to get better I’d lose someone else. I went through a bout of depression, which I didn’t tell my mother about until this year, because I was afraid. My sister finally knows about most of this and had been a great help. But the main reason I’m still here is because of my faith. God NEVER abandoned me. through all of this there was never a day where I felt complete hopelessness. I always had at least a little something to hang on to through my tough times. He is why I am still here. I have a much better relationship with my family now, I started having visitation with my dad. Though sometimes things seem to go back downhill, I get stressed, my mom and I hardly get along, I am overcoming a few other issues that I had as well, and other things in my private life, and these are NOT the only things that happened to me, but I’m okay. I really am. Life is not perfect, and in fact, right now some would say I have it rough. My life isn’t easy. But I know I can make it through.
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I know this was long and weird, these were just some things I needed to think about, and for me writing them down is the best way to do that. These things are on my mind right now because my Dad might have to move much further away from me, and I may actually never see him again, and it brought up a lot of memories of what it’s like to lose someone. Something that’s happened to me a lot, but I still don’t know how to deal with it… advice? What do you do?
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If anyone is feeling overwhelmed about anything, I’m opening up the review section for anything you want to talk about, just get whatever is frustrating you, scaring you, hurting you, etc. off your chest.
Points: 131
Reviews: 17
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