Tomorrow- Chapter Two

“I’m so glad you could make it, Rebecca.” Charles says smoothly. I glare at him.

I look over to the man other an in the room. He’s sat in a worn armchair gazing at me with an expression which is hard to read. It looks a bit like amusement.

“Well, I decided that you were worthy of my time.” I say, clambering to my feet.

“Well, we are extremely honoured that you have deigned to join us. I know how busy your… schedule must be.”

I glare at him again. I don’t know what it is about this guy that makes me dislike him. He’s just not that likeable. We stand there in silence for a few minutes, neither one of us wanting to give in and talk first. Finally, the man in the corner speaks.

“Good morning Rebecca, I’m John.” He says getting up and shaking my hand before returning to his armchair.

“Good morning John.” I say, looking past Charles. I resolve to ignore him in future. “What exactly is this?”

“What is this? What is this?” Says Charles, gesticulating wildly, “This is the one thing which might save you.”

I look at him quizzically. Save me? Why would I need saving?

John sees my look of confusion and explains. “Occidere, Occidi is an underground organisation which is plotting to overthrow the government.”

“Overthrow the government?”

“Yes, overthrow the government. The government who killed your family!” Charles interjects angrily.

“And where do I come in?” I say to John, ignoring Charles. He is not worthy of my attention, I decide.

“You’re going to be an agent.” I look at him quizzically again and he elaborates. “We have contacts within the government who will create a new identity for you. We will place you in an undercover location where you will remain until we tell you to act.”

“So, you, people who I have never met before, are asking me to risk my life to overthrow the government? Are you nuts?” I say incredulously. I’ve worked hard to escape death these past few years. I am so not going to end up in one of the government’s famous prisons.

“Well, the alternative is that we’ll tell them that you’re still alive.” Charles says savagely, “And then they’ll just kill you anyway.”

Comprehension dawns on me. If I refuse, I’ll almost certainly die and if I accept, I may be on the winning side of a revolution. But I might be tortured and killed. Then again, I have nothing to lose so I might as well choose the side with the best prospects. Besides, what can they do, torture my family because of me? They’d have to dig them up first.

“So you’ll do it?” John asks. I nod my assent. He claps his hands together gleefully.

“So, who am I going to be then?” I say curiously. I wonder who I’m going to pretend to be next.

“As of now, you’re Elizabeth Hitches. You were born in America, and as far as the government is concerned, you are an extremely rich heiress who is sympathetic to their cause.”

“Rich heiress? Seriously, are you mental? Do I look rich to you?”

Charles looks me up and down, taking in my tattered clothes and thin body. “No,” he says, “But, we will change you into one.”

I snort. It’s going to take some makeover to transform me into a rich American.

“Yeah, you’re right. She doesn’t have what it takes.” Charles says to John. I glare at him.

“I don’t have what it takes? I DON’T HAVE WHAT IT TAKES?” I shout, “I’VE SPENT EVERY MOMENT OF THE PAST FIVE YEARS RUNNING FROM THESE PEOPLE! OF COURSE I HAVE WHAT IT TAKES!”

Something flashes briefly across Charles’ face. I think its triumph. “So you’re in?” He says.

“OF COURSE I’LL BLOODY WELL DO IT!” I shout.

“Good.” He says shortly.

“Right, Rebecca, or should I say Elizabeth, we need to take you somewhere for your, ah… transformation.” John says. He turns to Charles, “Charlie, would you accompany her to the cottage?”

Charles glares at him. John smiles sagely. Charles sighs and nods before striding over to me and grabbing my arm, pulling me roughly from the room.

“Where’re we going? Where’re you taking me?” I demand.

“It doesn’t matter. Just shut up until we get there, ok?” He says savagely, propelling me up a set of dilapidated stairs. I sigh and allow him to march me up the stairs and along a long, dusty corridor. Eventually, we reach the end of the corridor and he kicks open a door and pushes me through. In the centre of the room is a helicopter pad with a helicopter on it. There is a ceiling. Before I have time to ask Charles how he proposes to fly a helicopter out of an enclosed room, he presses a button by the light switch. The roof peels back, revealing the grey sky. A cold gust of wind floods into the room. I shiver. He looks over at me and grins. It’s not a cute grin, like girls always rave about; it’s more of a sadistic grin. He looks like a maniac.

He beckons me forward and opens the helicopter door before ushering me inside. He hands me what I think are earmuffs before clambering into the driver’s seat. I notice that the earmuffs have mouthpieces on. I doubt we’ll have much use for those; Charles doesn’t strike me as the talkative type. He puts his headgear on before starting the helicopter engine. He presses a series of buttons and pulls a few levers, before the helicopter begins to take off. We’re rising into the hard grey sky. I look down just in time to see the roof closing again. We’re high above the pavement now. I look up immediately; if I keep looking down, I’m sure I’ll vomit.

I stare straight ahead out of the windscreen. I see Charles pull a lever out of the corner of my eye. I can’t hear anything except from the noise of the helicopter. I assume that we could speak through the mouthpieces but, I don’t really want to try it out. Once or twice during the journey, I see Charles open his mouth as though he wants to speak but then he closes it again. He looks a bit like a fish. I giggle quietly, safe in the knowledge that he won’t be able to hear over the roar of the helicopter engine. I don’t know where we’re flying to. I would ask but I don’t want to be the first to speak; it’ll look like I’m caving in. Instead, I just stare immovably out of the large pane of glass at the unfriendly grey sky.

I wonder what life as Elizabeth Hitches, the rich American heiress, will be like. If I’m pretending to be rich, they might buy me a house or an apartment. After moving every week for the past few years, the thought of a place of my own fills me with the kind of warmth I used to get when Mum lit the fire in the farmhouse at home. It reminds me of home. I haven’t been back there for years and I doubt I ever will. It’s probably been burnt to the ground. I doubt there’s anything left there now. And even if it was spared from the flames, someone else might be living there. I don’t know what would be worse; seeing the ashes of my former home or watching other people enjoy living inside.

I realise that my eyes are getting moist and so I dig my nails into the palm of my hand. I must not cry. I will not cry, I tell myself. I look up. Charles is looking at me. As soon as he realises that I’ve caught him, he looks away again. But, before he turns his head, I catch a glimpse of the expression on his face. Is it pity? Suddenly, I wonder if his real name is Charles and if he lost his parents like I did. Maybe he’s an orphan too. Before I can pity him for too long, I begin to feel angry that he thinks that I need his pity. Me, need pity? Who does he think he is? Pity implies that I’m weak and weak is one thing that I’m not.

Suddenly, I notice that we’re dropping height. I look down. We’re rapidly descending through the thick, grey, rain-filled clouds. Suddenly, a large building comes into view. It must be the cottage. From where we are, it looks tiny but, as we get closer, I notice that well, it’s not really a cottage. In fact, it’s not even one building. It looks a bit like a castle but I know that it can’t be a real castle otherwise the government wouldn’t allow it to exist. When we’re about twenty feet up, I notice that there are several buildings sprawled on a green lawn several hundred metres away from the largest building. People are roaming around on the lawn, some talking, others running. Finally, we land on the helicopter pad on top of one of the buildings. I look around. We’re surrounded by grey turrets and towers. I can see a lake in the distance, as well as more buildings next to a dense forest. Charles turns the engines off and removes his earmuff things. He opens the door and clambers out. I stare at him

“Just because you’re pretending to be rich, it doesn’t mean I have to treat you like a princess.” He calls.

Despite myself, I grin. He grins back. We’re two maniacs together. A man in a black suit is striding across the roof towards us. He nods to Charles before shaking my hand.

“Brad.” He says. He grabs one of my arms and Charles grabs the other. Before I can register the fact that they’re holding me in a ridiculously tight grip, they propel me to a hatch, which they force me down. It appears to be some sort of chute. It’s cold and dark and I have to clamp my jaws shut to stop myself from screaming. I hear someone rattling around behind me. Suddenly, light floods the chute and I am propelled out onto some sort of mattress. I haven’t slept on a mattress so comfortable in years. I sigh and roll over, preparing to go to sleep. A deep, booming laugh interrupts by almost-slumber. I open my eyes to see Charles standing over me. I glare at him.

“Come on, sleeping beauty.” He says, offering me his hand. I clamber to my feet and walk to the end of the mattress. I look down. We’re about twenty metres off the floor. I begin to step back. Suddenly, someone pushes me and I hear him laugh again. I’m falling through the air and, I know I should be terrified but, I feel free for the first time in a while. I feel like I’m flying. All too soon, my feet make contact with the hard floor and I bend my knees, like my father taught me too. I look behind me. Charles has just landed. He walks over to me and whispers in my ear. “Come on, darling. We’ve got to make you look like an heiress.” Before adding, “I think you’re going to be in there for a few days.”

He grabs my arm and I try to shake him off but his grip is too tight. Bastard. I see Brad up ahead. He’s walking quickly. Charles quickens his pace and drags me on until we’re level with Brad. We’re walking far too quickly for me to take in my surroundings. I suspect that might be the point. Brad escorts us through a maze of corridors before we reach a steel door. He opens it and ushers me inside.

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User avatar
Wolfi
Review
Wolfi wrote a review · Sun Jan 25, 2015 8:43 am

Happy Review Day!!!

Wolfie is heeerre (finally gosh)! I think that if it was summer I would have this entire book completed by now... But ugh school! Alright, onto the review!

He’s sat in a worn armchair gazing at me with an expression which is hard to read.

Most of the time, your writing is spotless, which is pretty impressive. But there are a few mistakes here and there, and this is one of them. This is how is should be written: "He's sitting in a worn armchair, gazing at me with an expression that is hard to read."
“Yes, overthrow the government. The government who killed your family!” Charles interjects angrily.

There isn't anything really wrong with this, but I do have a suggestion that may make it fit in better: "Yes, overthrow the government." He pauses dramatically, then narrows his eyes. "The government," he hisses, "who killed your family!" Do you see how that makes it a little bit better?
“OF COURSE I’LL BLOODY WELL DO IT!” I shout.

Capitalizing sections of dialogue is certainly effective, but it isn't very professional. It is best to let your dialogue tag (in this instance, "I shout") to all the work and leave the actual dialogue lowercased. You could emphasize a single word via italics, however: "Of course I'll bloody well do it."
I see Charles pull a lever out of the corner of my eye.

Truth be told, this sentence sounds as if it belongs in a bizarre horror novel. Charles, an evil doctor, is pulling a lever out of the corner of a poor girl's eye. Hehe. To avoid such confusion (because I hope that is not the intended meaning of that sentence) all you need to do is switch the parts of the sentence around, like this: "Out of the corner of my eye, I see Charles pull a lever." See, it's simple!

More than anything, I am extremely impressed with how original this novel is. I don't know about any of the other readers, but this is nothing like I've ever read before! And from the snippet of the further chapters I read a while ago, I know that this book only gets better.

Your characterization of Charles is great. He's not perfect in attitude or looks, for our main character has told us so, but we've already begun to see some attractive qualities in him, particularly when Rebecca senses a pinch of pity in his face, and pities him a little in return. The narrator, too, is a very strong character.

I am looking forward to where this story will go, and all the new characters we will meet. This is such an interesting plot line: an orphan girl disguised as a rich heiress...

Good luck with your writing! :D

Hey, it's me once more! :D

Suggestions

I look over to the man other an in the room.
This line is a tad bit confusing. o.o I think you meant to say "I look over to the other man in the room."
have deigned to join us.
I believe you meant decided not deigned, but I'm not really sure here.
I wonder who I’m going to pretend to be next.
I feel as if you should just cut this part out entirely. It feels forced and a bit repetitive.
I stare at him
You forgot punctuation here.

As always, these are just suggestions and you don't have to do any of them. Although it would be nice to at least consider them because I think they will help improve this chapter. :)

Lovely Things
He is not worthy of my attention, I decide.
Haha. xD
The roof peels back
Really nice description here!
“Come on, sleeping beauty.”
This whole little bit here is funny. :)

An Overview
Overall it was good! :) It was easy to read through and had a nice pace, no major errors or things that needed to be changed either!

Happy review day and keep writing,
turtlethatroars

User avatar
Deanie
Review
Deanie wrote a review · Thu Aug 28, 2014 6:07 pm

Hi there 90skid!

Remember me? Your novel's adoptive parent! who is taking forever to get through your chapters...

What an interesting chapter. I am not sure how I feel about people like Charles being on the supposed good side as they work to get rid of the government. I am glad that someone is trying to do something though, and that Rebecca will be a part of this. We're going to see how everything is going to change for Rebecca as she is now an agent and is going to have to play the part of a rich heiress. It's definitely going to be quite the journey and I can't wait to see how she handles this. And how the transformation is going to go on in the end. It feels like there is going to be a lot more going on soon!

One thing I have to agree with a previous reviewer about is Charles personality. At first he comes across as a cold but businesslike person, not raising a finger to try and help her out but then also trying to recruit her. Then he seems like an impatient little boy as he is around John. Lastly he seems like a manic! Which is he, he can't be them all? I think a maniac suits him best, and you can have businesslike maniacs. But make sure you kind of keep his character consistent throughout all the chapters.

On top of that, I feel like we only briefly get to know John and Brad, and don't really get to see enough of them. Yes, we only see them each for a short time, but if you are introducing them by name they must be important people. If they're not supposed to be important than avoid naming them. If they are, give us some appearance and also show us some small snippets of their personality along the way as well. We don't need to see it all seeing as only know them for a short while, but please do give us something to go on.

I look over to the man other an in the room.


I think you mean 'I look over at the other man in the room.

“Well, I decided that you were worthy of my time.” I say, clambering to my feet.


“Well, we are extremely honoured that you have deigned to join us.


You start both sentences with the word 'well,' so maybe it would be nice to cut one to add more variation in there.

I don’t know what it is about this guy that makes me dislike him.


Other than he watched you almost get raped, huh?

He’s just not that likeable.


Ooh this is interesting. There is always a reason why someone is not likeable. Other than the whole obvious maniac thing, is it in his looks or the way he behaves - always intimidating or so? I would like some more details here.

“Yes, overthrow the government. The government who killed your family!”


Wait, what are her emotions now? She has always waited for someone who wanted to do something about this government. And now they are. I want to see her reaction to this! People are trying to gain vengeance on these people and she can even be a part of it. This is a big thing to deal with and I feel like it deserves more attention, but then it kind of gets pushed to the side and ignored. So, show us her thoughts on the matter!

As well as this, seeing as she is a poor commoner I bet this is her first time in a helicopter. How does that feel? Is she nervous or shy or scared? What does she think about such a machine which is supposed to look after her? I wonder, and it would be something worth knowing. It is something big to fly in the air for the first time!

So now she is going to be rich after all her days of poverty, constantly moving and earning everything she has. You did give us some time to focus on the fact that she will be staying in one place for a long time, but you don't mention that she's worried the past may catch up with her again. As well, I feel like the rich thing should be hitting her a bit harder. Show us her thoughts, opinions and emotions when it comes to this subject a bit more.

I wonder why Charles and Brad go in the chute after her? Yes, she needed to go that way but it seems like she could've easily gone the way Charles and Brad did as well. I don't know what that way is but I would like to see it. And why a chute? It seems a little random and I feel like that aspect of things needed to be explained better.

Other than those points, you're really moving this plot forwards! Can't wait until I have the time to read more :D

Image

Deanie x

Thanks for the review! I'm going back and revising Charles' character to make him more consistent as we speak.

User avatar
erilea
Review
erilea wrote a review · Thu Aug 14, 2014 8:56 pm

My dear friend 90skids, hello! I appreciate you writing more works, keep on publishing! I'm here to help you out of the dreaded Green Room!

No one likes confusing sentences. Hated by all, loved by the worst, are your bad sentences. Check it out. The first sentence is incorrigible for me, the second one has a few identified errors. "He's" is supposed to be "He". "Which is" is supposed to be "that was".

"I look over to the man other an in the room. He’s sat in a worn armchair gazing at me with an expression which is hard to read."

Seems so bloody late into the story for them to say "Good morning", doesn't it? Really. It caught my eye almost immediately, dragging my sight to those horrible placements of that phrase. Sorry of that's a bit harsh. :D

"Good morning Rebecca..."

This is also very quizzical. This person, Rebecca, already said she would ignore Charles in the future. Why say it again?

"He is not worthy of my attention, I decide."

Wait...this whole thing has me spinning. This Charles tells Becca (abbreviation) that a secret society planning to overthrow the government is the same ones that killed your parents, why don't you help them?

"...risk my life to overthrow the government?"

Little error. "Its" is supposed to be "it's".

"I think its triumph."

Punctuation...

"I stare at him"

The ending, although a cliffhanger, was pretty original. I would love to see how Rebecca gets made-over, especially since I'm a girl :) . Keep writing!

-wisegirl22

I'll just go through and check out those little grammar errors :) thanks!

You're welcome!

You're welcome!

Why does Rebecca glare at Charles for saying he’s glad she made it here? She did, after all, choose to come of her own volition, under her own power. If he’d had thugs drag her to the place and then said that line, then sure, that’s something to glare about. As it is—why? Pure, groundless belligerence?

I’m having a hard time getting a handle on Charles’s character. Last chapter, he seemed quietly mysterious and more than a little aloof; that holds true in this chapter for a few paragraphs, but then his facade breaks for no apparent reason and he starts “gesticulating wildly” and getting angry and stuff, and once again, I’m left asking why. Why was someone so calm and unflappable before getting agitated just because the girl he “needs” wanted to know what’s going on in his organization’s headquarters? Why is he so angry about Rebecca being slow on the uptake—it’s not as if he seems to care about her personally. If he’d seemed impatient before, I could understand it, but before he seemed very composed.

Also, why is the government so invested in making sure Rebecca is really dead? She’s some random ten-year-old with no family and no prospects. A vagrant. Poor as dirt. Nothing but a box of things to her name. She’s not a threat. Are they just paranoid? Did she see something five years ago that she shouldn’t have? Or is it just policy to make sure there are no loose ends lying around? Wouldn’t they have better things to do than chase and exterminate some fifteen-year-old homeless kid? Let alone torture.

Like, not wanting to get murdered by the government is a great incentive for joining the revolution, but I want to know WHY she’s facing certain death if the government finds out she’s alive. Because right now, she seems pretty low priority to me. Young. Homeless. Transient. Clueless. Basically a non-entity except that she remembers the slaughters from five years ago that everyone’s apparently managed to forget after only five years.

You’ve given us more information about the world—it is the ruins of our own, and they are presumably either not in or not from America, considering that they talk about it like foreigners. Sooo, where ARE they from, and where are they now? Is this a huge, unified World Government? If not, what other powers are in play? If yes, what are the other rebellions like (I will not buy that, under a global despotic government, there is only one isolated rebellion. There may be a bunch of them unaware of each other, but there’s got to be more than one)? And where *are* we?

Like—to use Hunger Games as an example, again—we can work out where the Districts are based on what their geography is like. We know 12 is somewhere on or near the East Coast because coal mining, for example, or that 11 is somewhere in the Midwest because farming. Here, though, I have zero context for figuring out where we are other than that it’s a metropolis and it’s possibly not in America.

I like the passage that details Rebecca being taken to/getting into/flying in the helicopter. I think it could stand to be broken into smaller paragraphs, but it flows well and it feels sort of tense and claustrophobic, which is appropriate to the situation. And Rebecca not seeming to know how to feel about Charles—anger or pity or distrust—is well-presented.

“a large building comes into view. It must be the cottage” Why is it called the cottage if it’s huge? Codename? Also, it sounds a lot like a castle to me. Why not just call it that?

After they land at the cottage/castle/whatever it is, things start to go really fast and feel like you’re rushing. Let it breathe.

Twenty meter drop onto a hard floor, after being pushed, and Rebecca doesn’t even fall to her knees, let alone break something or, you know, DIE? What. Twenty meters is HIGH. Fifteen to eighteen meter falls KILL most people. Even if Rebecca did survive—which is possible, people have survived falls from much higher—she wouldn’t be able to make the landing on her feet and if she did it would almost certainly break her legs. [ETA: Also, she's supposed to be starving and malnourished. From that height, she should've snapped like a twig.] Maybe you meant twenty feet?

I know this review is mostly questions and picking at world-building and stuff, but the actual chapter itself is pretty good. The world-building questions are minor enough that they didn’t break my suspension of disbelief, just made me curious and a little annoyed that I couldn’t pinpoint the location from context clues. The only thing that really did break me out of the narrative was the HUGE drop that Rebecca somehow miraculously landed without injury. Your prose is, as with last chapter, very strong and easy to read, and I like Rebecca’s character more the more I read of her.

Thanks for pointing out the twenty metres thing; I did mean twenty feet.
It's set in England (I'm from England so this was easier than setting it in say, America). Right now, she's not focused on what the other countries in the world are doing but as the series wears on, she will be.
Thanks for the questions though and I'll try to answer them either in the rest of the book or in the rest of the series.



We know what we are, but know not what we may be.
— William Shakespeare