I stand up and walk down the spiral staircase. I walk down the other flight of stairs and along the landing. I shiver when I pass the door to the room with the files. I walk down the other flight of stairs and out of the main door. I stride along the gravel path, staring straight ahead, determined to ignore anyone who asks me where I’m going. I turn onto the path that leads to the shooting range. Once I reach the range, I walk over to the table and pick up a gun. It still makes me feel horrible but, I am going to have to kill the man with it. I pick up a holster which is lying next to another gun and fasten it around my waist. I put the pistol into it and return to the main building. I don’t meet anyone on my way back to the building; they must all be eating. I push the front door open and walk into the entrance hall. I walk over to the door in the centre and push that open too. I’m in the dining hall.
I walk along the rows of tables until I reach the high table. I don’t care if they kill me for killing him. He has to die for what he did to my father. I scan along the table. He’s sat next to Charles. Charles looks at me and smiles slightly, the corners of his mouth turning up slightly. I look at the man next to him. He sees me and his face breaks into a somewhat sinister smile. He stands up and walks around the table. I think he’s trying to leave but then he starts walking towards me.
“Give me the gun, Elizabeth.” He says, his deep voice sending chills down my spine.
“Why?” I demand.
“Because I didn’t do it.”
“Liar.”
He reaches into the gun holster. I push his hand away, snarling. He grabs the belt of the holster and rips it from me. I make a lunge for it and the pistol tumbles out onto the stone floor. I snatch it up and point it at him. His eyes widen and he grabs it. He tugs but I don’t let go. We struggle momentarily but then a sharp crack echoes throughout the dining hall. The pistol is smoking slightly and there is now a round bullet hole in the oak high table.
Someone claps.
“Well done to George and Elizabeth for providing us with some entertainment whilst we eat.” I look up. It’s the man in the pin striped suit. He’s smiling jovially but, the smile doesn’t quite reach his fathomless eyes.The entire hall joins in the clapping. Charles, however, looks at me questioningly. “However,” Continues the man, “I do hope that, tomorrow, our entertainment will not make a hole in the table.”
I hear the scraping of a chair as Charles stands up and marches over to me. He grabs my arm and drags me out of the hall. Heads turn to watch us as we leave. Once we’re in the entrance hall, he drags me through one of the doors and into a small room.
“What the hell do you think you’re playing at?” He demands, forcing me into a chair.
“He killed my father.” I say simply.
“And?”
“I have to kill him.”
“No, you don’t. Listen, George was an agent at the time of the rebellion. He was our agent.”
“He didn’t have to kill my parents, though.”
“He could’ve killed you.”
“How?” I demand furiously, “I was hidden.”
“And who let you stay hidden?”
I stay silent, looking down at my hands.
“So, rather than trying to kill George, I think you should be on your knees thanking him for sparing you.”
“I will never get down on my knees in front of him.” I snarl.
“Do you know what, Rebecca?” He says calmly. I register the use of my real name once more.
“What?” I spit.
“You have far too much pride.” I open my mouth to speak but he continues, “You see, people with pride almost always end up dead. Do you want to end up dead?”
“Do you not have any pride then?”
“Oh, I do but, I choose to hide it.” He says smoothly, “So, I suggest that, once training is over, you find George and apologise to him.”
“And if I don’t?”
“I will make you.” He says grinning, “Which would you rather? Apologise on your own free will or have everyone watch whilst I force you to kneel in front of him?”
I glare at him.
“Thought so.”
My stomach rumbles loudly, interrupting the stony silence. I remember that I haven’t eaten since yesterday.
“Do you want some food?” Charles asks. I nod. “Follow me.”
I follow him out of the room and into the entrance hall. We walk through a door which lies opposite. There’s a set of stairs going down to another floor here. We climb down them until we’re in a large, cavernous kitchen where a dozen or so people in powder blue robes are working.
“Maria?” Charles calls. He waits until a pretty blond woman comes over. “Do you have any food left for this one?” He says, jerking his thumb at me.
“For you?” She says. “Anything.”
She turns around and walks towards a large, oak table which lies in the centre of the room. On top of it is plates of sandwiches and other food. She picks up a China plate and piles it high with food before handing it to me, smiling slightly. I pick up one of the sandwiches and start to eat it. I haven’t eaten anything this good for years. There’s an egg on my plate. My mother used to make those for me. I stuff it in my mouth and chew on it eagerly. I wipe the china plate clean before I hand it back to Maria, who has been standing there talking to Charles the whole time I was eating. For once, I wasn’t listening in. Food was more important.
“We’d better get going, then.”
We walk out of the doors and into the entrance hall. He pushes open the entrance doors and we step out into the gloriously sunny grounds.
“Where are we going?”
“Shooting practice.”
“But I don’t need to practice.” He raises his eyebrows and I continue, “I need to learn to shoot first.”
We stride through the grounds to the shooting ranges. There are people galloping horses across the paths. I want to join them so badly. I don’t know if I’m operating on a different timetable to everyone else or if they just do nothing all day but, every time I seem to be going to do something, everyone else is just relaxing. Maybe, once I learn to do everything, I’ll be able to relax too. We reach the shooting range and he hands me a gun.
“Just try and shoot with your eyes open.” He says.
I point the gun at the target and open my eyes wide so that I look like a demented chicken. I squeeze the trigger. It goes off with a loud crack. I look at the target. I managed to his the white bit just outside it. I look at Charles. He grins at me and I turn back to the target. I take aim again and squeeze the trigger. It hits the white bit again. I hit the white bit again and again until all of the bullets in the pistol are gone.
“How am I supposed to hit the centre?” I ask.
Charles stands behind me. “Well, first, you need to aim at the centre. Point the gun down more.”
I point the gun down. “No, that’s too much.” He holds my arms and raises them slightly so that the gun is pointing at the centre of the target. “Now shoot.” I squeeze the trigger. I examine the target. I hit the centre. He nods at me approvingly and I take aim again. Charles stands behind me and puts his hands on my back. I shoot. I miss by several metres.
I turn around and look at him accusingly. “How on earth am I supposed to shoot straight when you’re doing that?”
He holds his hands up at my reproof. “Doing what?” He asks innocently. I snort and take aim again. I hit the bull’s-eye this time. I shoot again and hit the bull’s-eye again. I must be getting good at this. He walks over to the target and tears it down, replacing it with a much smaller one. I reload the pistol with bullets from the table.
“Now try.”
I squint at the target as I take aim. Squinting seems to make it appear larger than it actually is. I raise the gun so it’s pointing at the centre and then, I squeeze the trigger and fire. It hits the target right in the middle. I fire every bullet in the pistol and they all hit the centre.
“Ok, now run up to the target and shoot.”
I stand ten metres back from where I stood previously. I run up, take aim and shoot. The bullet hits the outside ring.
“Not bad for a first attempt. Do it again.”
I repeat the exercise until I’ve fired every single bullet on the table and I’m hitting bulls-eyes every time.
“Ok, that’s enough. It’s time for dinner.” He says. I look around. The suns beginning to set in a deep orange and red glow. We must’ve been shooting for hours.
“Tomorrow, you’re going to join the others for shooting practice.” Charles tells me as we walk back up to the cottage, “Then, you’re going to go to the stables for your assessment. Then lunch. And then the gym. Ok?”
“Ok.”
“And tonight, after dinner, I’ll take you to the dorm. You’re going to sleep there instead of the room.”
I nod. I don’t really want to share a room with people like Isla but, hey ho, I can just avoid her. We walk into the cottage and Charles takes me through into the dining room.
“You sit at these tables,” He says, indicating to the five long tables, “And I sit there.” He points to the high table.
Out of the corner of my eye, I see Eddie waving frantically at me. Charles’ jaw tightens slightly. I walk over to Eddie and slip into the seat next to him. Everyone watches me as I sit down. I should expect it, being the new kid and all that. A small girl with long red hair is sitting opposite me. She waves at me. “Hi, I’m Poppy.” She says, smiling broadly. I try to smile back at her but I think it comes out as more of a grimace.
Eddie decides to introduce me to everyone whilst we wait for dinner. “This is Jack.” He says, pointing to a boy with a shock of black hair and piercing blue eyes. Jack raises his hand slightly in greeting. “This is Scarlett.” Eddie points at a girl with long dark brown hair. She smiles slightly. “Poppy has, as usual already introduced herself.” He says teasingly. She mock-glares at him, pouting. “And this is Matt.” Matt has dark blond hair and obscenely high cheekbones, above which are two dark brown eyes. “And everyone, this is Elizabeth.” Everyone smiles and I look down at the table.
“So, Elizabeth, where did you live before you came to join the fine people at the cottage?” Poppy says, leaning forwards eagerly.
“I moved around a lot.” I say slightly woodenly. I haven’t really talked about my life before the cottage with anyone but Charles but somehow, he’s different.
“Oooh, how thrilling,” Poppy says, “I only ever lived in the tiny village but then, my parents sent me here.”
BANG! My head snaps up and my muscles tighten. I grip my knife. Scarlett titters. “It’s just the doors opening for dinner.” She says, smiling slightly. I look back at the doors. Sure enough, the kitchen minions are flooding into the hall, each of them carrying a large tray, which is laden with food. They place three trays in front of us. Everyone reaches for the food immediately.
I look at the plates. I haven’t seen food like this in front of me since my days living with my parents. There’s some sort of meat pie which is covered with flaky pastry. There are jacket potatoes filled with melting butter and tureens of vegetables. I take a bit of everything. Eddie watches me as I stuff bite after bite into my mouth, trying to savour everything, lest I never eat anything this good again.
“You never eaten pie before?” He asks, looking at me quizzically. I shake my head.
“Charles is staring at you.” Scarlett points out. I twist around in my seat and, sure enough, he is. When he sees me looking, he raises his glass to me and looks away.
“Well, would you look at that, the rock is blushing.” Scarlett says. I’m not sure if she’s being malicious or just teasing me, like friends do. My cheeks feel like they’re on fire. “So, what is there between you and the dishy Charles Grey?” Everyone around me leans forward like predators about to deliver the final blow to their prey.
“Nothing.” I say quickly. Too quickly.
“Are you sure?” Says Poppy, leaning forward so much that her long red hair trails in the butter dish.
“I’m sure.” I say firmly.
“Guys, cut it out. There is nothing between them.” Eddie says somewhat angrily. They all lean back and resume their eating.
“So, I’m supposed to be sleeping in the dorm tonight.” I say, changing the subject.
“Are you?” Matt says. He sounds slightly surprised. “But there’s not enough room unless…”
“Unless what?” I ask.
“Unless someone’s going out on a mission.”
“Who?” Poppy asks eagerly, leaning forwards again. Everyone around me leans forward like predators about to deliver the final blow to their prey.
me and looks away.
turreens of
“I don’t know, Isla maybe.” Eddie says.
“Let’s hope so.” I mutter. They all look at me questioningly. “I don’t think she likes me very much.” I explain.
“She doesn’t like anyone.” Scarlett says dismissively.
There’s another loud BANG! As the doors open yet again. The people in blue pick up our trays of food and take them away before returning with trays of even more delicious-looking food. I look at the large chocolate cake in front of me and my mouth waters. I cut myself a hefty slice and place it on a plate. I sit there, staring at it for a few moments before Eddie laughs. “You have to eat it, you know.” He says. I pick up a fork and take a bite. It tastes as good as heaven. I eat every single bite and, when it’s finished, I practically lick the crumbs off the plate.
Suddenly, everything goes silent. People stop clattering their knives and forks on their plates and the loud murmur of conversation subsides. I look up at the high table. The man in the pin-striped suit has stood up.
“Today, we welcome a new member of our community.” He says, raising his glass to me. Everyone in the hall does the same. “We are also saying goodbye to a member of our community.” Shocked whispers oscillate all around the hall. He waits for the whispers to subside before continuing. “Beatrice, who is a very valued member of our community is going out on a mission.” I glance at the table opposite where Isla is sitting. She looks shocked. “We wish her luck and I hope that you will now raise your glasses to her.” We all raise our glasses. I don’t know who I’m raising my glass to but I do it anyway. “Goodnight.” The man says. Everyone at the high table starts to file out except for Charles. He walks over to where I’m sitting.
“I’m taking you to the dorm.” He says.
“Ooh,” Says Poppy, “Can I come to the dorm with you too.”
Charles glares at her and I stand up, waving apologetically to all of the people assembled at the table. They smile and wave back before bending their heads together in order to confer. I walk with Charles along the maze of corridors and into the corridor with the oak doors. He opens the first one and ushers me inside.
I’m standing in a large, lightly-coloured room. There are several bunk beds dotted about the room as well as several chest of drawers and mirrors. There is a set of uniform pyjamas laid out at the foot of every bed as well as a fresh set of clothes on top of every drawer. Charles leaves the room and I look around for an empty bed. I spot one over by the window so I walk over to it and sit down. It’s soft and comfortable, like my bed back home. Suddenly, the doors are flung open and Scarlett, Poppy, Eddie and Matt walk in.
“Come on, dreamy, we’re going to the common room.” Scarlett says, dragging me to my feet.
I’m surprised to find that the common rooms busy. I didn’t hear any people enter the dorm beforehand. Isla’s sitting in a chair by the fire, holding a cup of something and staring into the roaring depths. Everyone else is either talking or crowded around the television. Scarlett locates a free sofa and we all bundle onto that.
“Anyone fancy a drink?” Poppy asks after we’ve been sat there for five minutes. We all nod and I stand up to help her. We walk over to the drinks bar and locate several cans before Poppy goes to the oak kitchen and opens every cupboard until she finds a bag of what looks like crisps.
I listen to Eddie and Matt argue over which of them is the best at shooting whilst I sip my drink. It’s fizzy and feels strange on my tongue but, it’s kind of nice and refreshing. The crowd in front of the television cheers loudly. Scarlett rolls her eyes. “What are they watching this time?” She asks.
“Probably some sports match.” Poppy says, from where she’s sat sprawled on the floor, staring dreamily at a crisp.
“Not just any sports match.” Matt says heatedly, “It’s the rowing race of the century.”
“Who’s in it?”
“Londonderry, Camulodunum and Wintanceastre.”
“I’ll put tomorrow’s pudding on Londonderry.” Eddie says.
“Done.” Matt shakes his hand and they both get up to join the unruly crowd surrounding the TV.
Scarlett rolls her eyes. “Boys.” She says.
“Hey, Scarlett, do you think they’ll have another dance again soon?” Poppy asks.
“The last one was ages ago so I hope so.”
“Do you think Matt will ask me to go with him?”
“You’re fighting a losing battle there, Poppy.”
“How do you know that?” Poppy demands.
“Because, Matt sees you as a sister.” Scarlett says but, as she says it, I see her eyes dart over to where Matt’s standing.
“I could go and talk to him, if you like.” I offer.
“Would you?” Poppy asks eagerly.
“Of course.”
“Can you do it now?”
“Sure.” I say, getting to my feet and walking over to where Matt is. I whisper in his ear, “Hey, it’s Elizabeth, can I have a word with you?” He nods and follows me over to a small, empty sofa in the corner. I see Poppy and Scarlett looking at me, scrutinising my every movement.
“What’s up?” he says.
“Well, you know Poppy-“ I begin but I’m cut off by a loud groan from Matt.
“Look, Poppy’s a mate.” He says, “She’s a good friend but, well it’s not her I like.”
I wait for him to elaborate. He takes a deep breath. “You see, I like Scarlett.”
“You like her?”
“Fine, I think I’m in love with her or whatever.”
“Right,” I say, “So, what do I tell Poppy?”
“That it’ll never happen?”
I sigh and stand up and walk back over to where Poppy’s sitting, looking nervous.
“And?” She says.
“Poppy-“ I begin but she sees the expression on my face before I can begin to tell her.
Poppy’s face falls. “I knew it.” She says bitterly, twisting a piece of the rug.
“Hey, I’m sure there are plenty of boys here who want to go out with you.” I say. Scarlett raises her eyebrows behind Poppy’s back.
“Like who?”
“Like him.” I say, pointing to a boy with shaggy black hair who’s staring at us.
Scarlett laughs, “That’s just Pete,” She says, “No one will go out with him and he wants to go out with anything that breathes.”
I ignore her and look at Poppy. She’s staring at her hands. “Go, on,” I urge her, “Give it a try.”
“Do you know what, I think I will?” She says, standing up and brushing the creases out of her clothes.
I watch her sashay over to where Pete’s sitting. He looks up hopefully. I can see Poppy nodding and then she sits down next to him.
“What’d you do that for?” Scarlett says somewhat angrily.
“Do what?” I say defensively.
“Send her over there.”
“Because she has no hope with Matt.” I explain, “Because you’re with Matt.”
“How do you know that?” Scarlett says, her eyes darting shiftily from left to light. She leans towards me, whispering. “Did he tell you?”
I nod and her eyes dart over to Matt.
“Don’t tell her.” She nods to where Poppy is.
I nod and stand up, walking over to the bar. I take out a can of drink and down it in one. I look out of the window. It’s pitch black.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,816 Reviews
Hi there 90skid!
I feel like we are gradually getting to know more and more about Elizabeth. In this chapter we got to see how she really does fit in with crowds sometimes because she got along so easily with Scarlett and Poppy, and wasn't afraid to make inquiries when a mate of theirs asked for it. I also think it was nice to see the hint of romance between Charles and Elizabeth. I didn't detect that that might happen at all, so I was surprised when I saw it! It was good that you made Eddie quiet everyone down, because if her likes her then that is probably what he would do in this case. I liked the whole thing with Elizabeth learning to shoot properly too, and coming over her fear. It was times like that when you get to really see the character development that was happening.
Happy review day!
I have come back to read more of your novel
And this is referring to the rest of that paragraph too. It's completely full of I do this and I do that, which is too monotone and isn't mixing things up at all! I felt like we were getting a list of her actions and it wasn't fun to see at all. We also got a lot of 'I walked' in there as well, so this made it seem like this was a lot of just telling us where she went. Here's a tip when it comes to mixing things up in first person when you need the word I a lot, and that is to use the word my a whole lot. Say things like, 'My mind was wandering as my feet took me down multiple characters, leading me towards...' wherever she needs to be going. Or something like 'I walked down the characters as my eyes scanned the room for any people who would approach me.' In that sentence you avoid using I twice and only end up using it once. But the best part is when you find a balance between I and my. Try not to overuse either one too much.
I believe I did talk about this a little bit in the previous chapter? I am not going to pull out every time you do this but just use this one as a quick example so that you can find and edit all the others in the chapter, okay? What the problem is here, is that there shouldn't be a comma after the but, and in all the other cases it isn't really needed at all. You can just let the sentence continue to flow into itself.
What a twist with the man in the picture being here at this organization. And in the end being the one who saved her to some extent. It's a shame that she might've not thought of it before. But if I were in Elizabeth's shoes, my anger would've over run my thought of reason too. It was a great plot point to have in there! If it doesn't sound too grim, I love how she immediately resolved that the man needed to be killed, and that she didn't care about the consequences.
You repeat the word 'slightly' here twice. I feel like getting rid of the second one wouldn't take anything away from the sentence and would avoid the repetition.
You can get rid of the first comma, and the second one is expertly placed
I wonder, how does Charles know that the man was keeping and letting Elizabeth stay concealed in the bush? I can understand how the man could've done it and distracted the men long enough afterwards for her to safely escape. And hopefully he wasn't the one who did any of the killing himself. But what I still want to know, is how does Charles know all these details? I do like him as a character, but he can't possible know everything. I feel like the guy she tried to kill should be telling her this, in order to save his life because she is trying to kill him, and then she sees his reason and stops or something, just as Charles shows up.
Everyone is in the dining hall as she tries to kill this man, which is against their rules, and then she goes and sits down at the dining table as if nothing happened afterwards? No one was screaming, or wondering who this crazy girl is, and no one said anything as she sat down. I found that a little unrealistic after she is trying to stab someone in plain sight. So this could be something to consider adding into the story. Remember, settings of certain events is important, and every action has a reaction in a story ^^
Wait a sec, I thought Elizabeth's all so important role was held secret from the other members in training and the majority of the staff except for the top notch people. No one else recognized Elizabeth as someone special before, so it seems strange for this normal cook to do so. Maybe she is referring to Charles when she says this and not Elizabeth. If that is the case (if it isn't I feel like it should be changed to it) then maybe mention that she is looking/talking to Charles.
Really? Because in past chapters when they were trying to fatten you up, you mentioned how amazing the food was and how you hadn't eaten anything that great before. Maybe have her say a different remark of how good the food tastes, possibly referring more to flavours or something.
Again, same point as before, you actually have! It's like those hotel days never happened in her eyes xD Or maybe it would be worth mentioning that the food she had earlier wasn't quite like the food she had at home, and this was more like it?
I wonder, what is the age difference between Charles and Elizabeth again? I had it in my mind that he was far too old for her, but maybe not if people are honestly and teasing her about them sharing some romance.
Not quite sure where that came from xD Maybe it's just a little mistake? Either way, this part didn't make sense.
They seem to all be enjoying and eating a mass of all this food, chocolate cake and the whole lot. But seeing as they are supposed to be training and all that, shouldn't they be eating healthier? Maybe this is an element of the story that needs rethinking slightly.
This is a question, so it actually needs a question mark instead of a full stop.
And this is the opposite xD It's not a question but more so a statement, so a full stop would work better.
I feel like this a long chapter that only has very few key points that are relative to the plot in it. There's a lot of detail about Elizabeth's daily life that isn't exactly relevant for us to know. We only need the core essence in a novel, and if you are going to go into the time of describing a scene or having something happen, it needs to be doing one of two things. Either helping in character development, or it should be building up towards the climax/lending something to the plot. If it is not doing either of these things it shouldn't really be in the novel, and I feel like you have a few things like that in this chapter. Because we are getting so much things that are irrelevant, I am forgetting the main reason for her being at that institution. Which, of course, is to work towards overthrowing this government and having her acting out this role of a rich person. Make sure to remind of us this mission more and more, and make this the sole goal in Elizabeth's mind.
My final point is that at the dinner table we are introduced to a lot of people. I remember hearing the name Jack but we never meet him again later on. So maybe, you should have her remember the names of people she is going to later talk to, by saying the names that stood out were Matt, Scarlett, Poppy, etc, and saying that all the rest were lost in the blur and whirr of too many new names being thrown her way. That way the reader only has to remember the important ones
This was a good chapter regardless! We got quite a bit about character, and we also got to see that all the people at this institution have pretty normal lives regardless of the amount of training they get. They share the same worries and emotions as all of us. It was nice to be able to see that for ourselves. ^^
I am looking forward to when I get to read the next chapter! Keep this up
Deanie x
Chapter seven, here comes a review!
A small thing here, but you forgot the space after the period.Suggestions
I think you mean "hit" not "his".
This part here was very confusing. This should really be changed.
Down it in one what? Gulp? Sip? Swallow? Be more specific here.
These are just suggestion and blah blah blah, you've heard me say this so many times so no need to keep repeating myself. Haha.
Lovely Things
When he puts his hand on her back and she misses the target, then he acts as if he didn't do anything... xD I laughed so hard.
An Overview
Overall this chapter wasn't as action packed but we got to see more of the friendships and relationships developing which is good!
Happy review day, and keep writing,
turtlethatroars
Greetings, once again!
Oh my goodness! While I was scrolling down to reach this comment-box, one aspect of your writing struck me immediately: you wrote a massive amount of dialogue. I am not condemning you for it - heavens no! - as dialogue can be very useful, especially to the reader, and I have anyway used almost exclusively in one of my chapters, but be sure not to include too much unnecessary dialogue.
I don't mean to burst your bubble, but there is no chance that someone who has never fired a weapon and without considerable training can hit the centre of a target, much less the bulls-eye, from a reasonable distance. Even if you do aim for the centre, that does not guarantee an accurate hit.
I do not mean to be rude, but the chances of this happening is even less likely - in fact, it is, quite simply, impossible - if people have to train for years in order to do that, there is simply no way an adolescent girl gets it right after one day's training.
I doubt you used hey ho correctly here.
Like Divergent and Nikita and so many other stories, you have used the scenario where the new girl comes to the training facility for the (secret?) organisation and gradually she and the cold man who trains her fall in love. The above should already be a hint, but the idea is cliché. Sadly, it is already part of your plot and story as a whole, so it cannot be changed or improved upon.
What the fungus?! Did you accidentally paste snippets of your earlier text here? The first sentence is (arguably) new, but the second appears exactly like that in my previous quote. The third refers to when Charles looked at Elizabeth and raised his glass, and the fourth to the "turreens of vegetables". I am not even sure what you meant here...
Anyway, you get what I mean. Everything after my previous quote is a repetition of mistakes I have already flared, so you simply need to go over your work again. The dialogue was good, as it gives the reader insight into life at the [insert appropriate synonym for academy/organisation/facility here], but it still requires some work.
Yes, I did paste an edited version there and I must have been a bit careless. Silly me
Hi! Gravity here for a review.
I haven't read the rest of the chapters to your novel, so I'm pretty much just going to be correcting grammar and more technical things rather than going into detail about the plot structure etc. etc...
The first thing I noticed was one mistake that tons of authors make. It's what I like to call grocery listing.
In this whole first paragraph, you are simply listing out what the narrator is doing. Every sentence in this first part starts with "I" with the exception of maybe one or two. The result is this: it's very choppy and doesn't have a good flow. It takes more effort on my part to try and pay attention to what the narrator is doing. Some ways to avoid grocery listing are to use more imagery and comparisons. For example:
"I stand up and walk over to the twisting spiral staircase and as I descend past more flights of stairs, passing the room with the files sends shivers down my spine. So I continue to walk out of the main door. The main pathway is lined with gravel and I can feel the hard pebbles under my feet. My eyes look straight ahead, determined to ignore anybody who tries to stop me..."
See? You also need to include the narrator's observations and feelings. Like when he/she feels the pebbles underneath her feet. Little things like that really make a piece much more exciting to read.
This sentence was a very awkward read since you repeated the word "slightly". You need to replace one of them with a synonym.
This part was awesome. I honestly enjoyed this part very much. Your use of dialogue caught my attention. Up until the last sentence I quoted. Then you go into more listing. Just listing what's happening. The one thing I really like about this part is when Elizabeth makes the demand. "Why?" I demand. Idk why, that part just made me happy
I loved this part. The only issue with it is your use of the word "fathomless". Fathomless means very deep and I don't think that's what you were going for. I think a word like "cruel" or "Cold" would suit this description better.
Dialogue. You have too much dialogue. I'm not saying you need to get rid of it, I'm saying you need to fill in. People move when they talk. Some people move their heads or their hands but they have facial expression. Also, the constant volley between this man and your narrator gets confusing. Sometimes it can be difficult to keep track of who said what. You need to fill in more with clues as to who said what. I'm not saying you need to include "he said" "she said" every time because that wouldn't be good either. You just need balance. And you need to describe who Elizabeth/Rebecca is reacting to this exchange.
This part was definitely the most well-written paragraph of the entire chapter. I enjoyed it immensely. You literally only have one error. There shouldn't be a comma after "But". So yeah, great job on this part.
This was funny and provided some comic relief. Nice!
You don't learn to shoot within a matter of minutes. I'm sorry but it would've taken more than a few missed shots for her to hit the center of the target every single time.
"suns" should have an apostrophe because it's a contraction for "sun is". so suns should be sun's. One thing you need to know about guns is that they are heavier than people thing. If she had been shooting for hours her arms and shoulders would've been sore. Also, if it's a shotgun, she wouldn't put in individual bullets. It would be in a gun magazine. This is one place where you really need to do your research. You can't assume things about guns based off of what you see on TV.
This was good.
I liked this part too. As far as I could see, you didn't make any errors and the description was good. The dialogue that follows was also really good. Your story has just gotten better as I've gone along. I don't like that they suggested there might be something between Elizabeth and Charles if he supposedly killed her father (if I remember correctly). I'm also not sure if Charles and Elizabeth are around the same age. But like I said, I haven't read previous chapters so I really have no right to make any assumption in that area
The period should be a question mark.
So yeah. You're story needs a lot of fixing up but you do have some really great parts in there. I wish you luck and happy writing!
XOXO,
Gravity
Thank you. I can understand the thing about learning to shoot not taking minutes but, when I learnt to shoot I hit bulls-eyes the first time so I forget that not everyone does