Tomorrow- Chapter Thirteen

I get up and brush the crumbs out of my lap. Then it occurs to me that I have absolutely no idea where to go. I mean, ‘training’ isn’t exactly self-explanatory, is it? However, when I’m about to give ask Eddie where I’m supposed to go for ‘training’, Julie from tests appears at my elbow. She flicks her blond hair out of her grey eyes and looks at Eddie pointedly. He stops trying to talk to me and scarpers.

“Elizabeth, I’m taking you to training.” She informs me before walking away briskly. I assume that I have to follow her.

The entrance hall is filled with people, some of whom I’ve never seen before but, they part like a school of fish before a shark. We make our way along the corridor where I hid last night and she opens one of the large, solid oak doors and ushers me inside.

I’m in a large, darkly furnished room. In the centre is a large, black leather chair which lies almost horizontally to the wooden floor. Next to it is a hard-backed wooden chair behind which is a solid oak desk. Several book shelves line the walls and, in another corner is a small wooden table which has a single piece of paper on it. Julie makes her way towards the wooden chair and motions for me to sit on the leather one.

I perch awkwardly on top of it, unsure about whether or not I should lie down. Meanwhile, Julie turns to the desk and begins shuffling papers. Once she’s done, she turns back to me and laughs.

“You’re supposed to lie on it.” She tells me, smiling constantly.

I shrug my shoulders and recline on the chair, staring at the ceiling, trying desperately to work out what they’re going to do to me in here. Not more tests, surely?

“Ok, Elizabeth,” Julie says, “As you know, you’re special to all the other kids here; you’ve been singled out. Therefore, we expect both your mind and your body to be in peak condition, do you understand?”

“Yes.” I say, a feeling of dread spreading from my head to the tips of my toes.

“Therefore, we’re going to try and combat your fears today.”

“My fears?”

“That’s what the tests the other day were for.”

“So, what’re my fears?”

“Why don’t you work that out?” She says smiling, “Ok, I’m going to attach some wires to your arm, ok? Then, I’m going to blindfold and you will go into stimulation. We’re going to see how you deal with your fears.”

She busies herself attaching wires to my arm, ensuring that they’re perfectly placed. Eventually, she places a plain black blindfold over my eyes and ties it around my head. It all goes black and I can hear nothing.

Suddenly, I’m running through long grass. The grass is waist-high and nearly yellow in colour, indicating a lack of rain. In the centre of the field, there’s a small hill which all of the beaten paths lead to. Several people stand on the small hill so I head to the far side of the field by the trees. The grass is long and dense so I lie down, trying as best as I can to hide my black hair. In the end, I take off my khaki jacket and place it over my head. It was bullet-proof but, if they can’t see me, they can’t shoot me. Suddenly, my heart flies up into my throat and a pair of feet stomp past my hiding place. I pray that they don’t see me.

My prayers aren’t answered.

“Rebecca?”

I look up into the face of Charles Grey. I know what I’m expected to do. I have to kill him. I stand up and face him. His face breaks into a wide smile, revealing his white teeth. In one lightening motion, I whip my pistol out of its holster and pull the trigger. I never look at his eyes. I flee as soon as I’ve shot him; I can’t watch as the life pours out of him and his eyes glaze over. I can’t see the betrayal in his face. I just can’t.

All of a sudden, the scene swims before my eyes and my feet are tugged from the floor. I’m swirling around in a murky mixture of thoughts, of hopes and dreams. Then, another scene comes into focus. I’m in a large, homely kitchen. I’m wearing an apron and I’m baking a cake.

“Mum,” A little boy runs into the kitchen, screaming. “Mum, there’s a man outside and he’s got a gun.”

I put down the bowl of cake mixture with a clatter and reach inside a kitchen drawer and pull out a silver pistol. I push the boy, who I assume is my son, under the table and whisper at him to stay hidden before walking into the hallway. I walk up the stairs and into a child’s messy bedroom. I walk over to the window and pull it open, knowing instinctively that I will be above the man. I spy the man’s head and, as he glances up at the sound of the window opening, I pull the trigger. He falls backwards and I see his face; it’s my father. I fall to the floor, screaming.

The scene swims again and I’m uprooted, blissfully swimming through an ocean of fears. Then, the next scene begins to take shape.

I’m in a large, damp and dark room. The walls are made out of dark grey stone and are covered in slime. There aren’t any windows in the room but, on one side, there’s an enormous, solid-looking iron door with an iron grill set into the top of it. The floors pristine from frequent washing but, there’s a large puddle of sticky red stuff in the corner. In the centre of the room, there’s a large bench which is covered in large screws. A man lies naked on it, his exposed body smeared with blood and the remnants of human misery. His hands are attached to arm rests on the side of the bench and screws are attached to his fingers. I walk over to him, wiping my dripping hands on my white butcher’s apron.

“What were you doing there?” I growl, my hand on one of the screws.

“Nothing,” The man mutters. He stares into my eyes. I stare back.

“Liar.” I grunt, twisting the screw. He screams in pain, begging me to stop. “I’ll ask you again, what were you doing upstairs at three in the morning?”

“N-N-Nothing.”

I twist the screw again and there’s a sickening crack as his bones are wrenched out of the sockets.

“What were you doing?”

“I WASN’T DOING ANYTHING!” He screams.

I pick up a knife and draw it down his bleeding leg, cutting through his flesh and down to the bone. He writhes in agony, trying to get away but he’s bound to the bench. He closes his eyes.

“What were you doing?”

His eyes open a crack. “Nothing.” He whispers before closing them again for the last time. Disgusted, I stab him in the leg. He does not writhe in pain. He is dead.

Suddenly, the door flies open. George is stood there, his face less ugly in the darkness.

“What the hell are you doing Elizabeth?” He demands, “You were supposed to get answers, not kill him.”

“Sorry,” I mutter, “I lost control.”

The scene changes again and, suddenly, I’m stood in a quarry, facing a line of twenty gunmen. I stand straight-backed and proud, refusing to weep. I am not afraid. They raise their guns and point them at me. I throw my arms out wide, embracing death as the bullets sink into my chest. I fall backwards, feeling blissfully free and when my eyes close and my breathing stops, I know that I am not afraid.

With a jolt, I wake up. It was so vivid that I forgot that it was all just in my head. Then again, even if it was just in my head, why would that mean that it wasn’t real?

“You ok?” Julie asks, having removed my eye mask. She rips off the wires on my arm but thankfully, there aren’t any hairs there for her to rip out anymore.

“I’m fine.” I mutter, forcing myself into a sitting position.

“Ok, well that will give us a better idea of how you cope with various situations.” She tells me before turning back to the desk and scribbling something down. She turns back around a couple of minutes later with an envelope in her hands. She hands it to me. “Read it here.” She says.

I slide open the letter, hoping that it isn’t what I think it is.

Dear Miss Elizabeth Hitches,

You have been with us for several says so, it has been decided that, the time has come for you to undertake your first assignment. You will get Matthew Bryan alone and you will kill him, staging it as a suicide. If you do not complete this assignment, there will be consequences.

All the best,

A

I make sure that my face is impassive as I read the letter. This isn’t hard since I already know what’s in it. I know that, I have to kill Matt and that, if I don’t, they will kill me. I didn’t know his name was Matthew Bryan, though. There are so many things I don’t know about him and so many things which I will never know.

“Have you read it?” Julie asks me after several minutes. I nod and she holds her hand out for the letter. I place it in her hand and she puts it into a small box under her desk. I smell burning

“Ok,” She says, looking at the silver watch on her wrist, “It’s time for dinner so why don’t you head to the hall?”

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User avatar
Deanie
Review
Deanie wrote a review · Wed Nov 05, 2014 10:26 pm

Hi there 90skid!

I just wanted to read another chapter of Tomorrow, so here I am :D I will say this though, this chapter was a lot more gory than the rest! Gory enough to make me shiver at some points, and I think you went into just enough description on the matter as well, so congratulations are in order. You handled the simulation creepiness expertly. I do have a problem with the simulation idea, but I will tell you about that more later in the review. I also wanted to say that it's good to see the story progressing. We get a reminder that she is different from the other people training here, and that she has this heavy task on her shoulders. I absolutely LOVED the part where she saw Matt's full name and noticed there was so much about him that she didn't know and wouldn't ever know either. That's exactly how I think someone in her situation should feel.

Julie from tests appears at my elbow.


I know you tried to jog the readers memory a bit more by saying she was Julie from tests, which should usually help. But we haven't seen this character in so long that I have completely no memory of her, and the name doesn't ring a bell at all. I think you shouldn't have it be Julie doing this - have it be someone who has popped up more often, like Charles for example, although I could understand why it shouldn't be him either. Or, if you want, just introduce to a new, disposable character. But bringing up Julie again wasn't the best idea, because we knew her so fleetingly and no one can remember her.

She flicks her blond hair out of her grey eyes and looks at Eddie pointedly. He stops trying to talk to me and scarpers.


Julie is getting rid of Eddie? I thought that was generally supposed to be something difficult to achieve because of how much Eddie likes Elizabeth. Charles couldn't do it himself when he was running a training exercise, so this means that Julie must look awfully scary. So maybe pointedly is an understatement here. Use something with more depth and something more threatening to describe her look. Did she shoot him daggers, and then slide in front of Elizabeth so that she was cutting him off from the conversation? If that happened to me, both of those things combined, it would be enough for me to make my rapid escape.

some of whom I’ve never seen before but, they part like a school of fish before a shark.


I know, I know, I mention this every review even though you already know the deal. But as long as it is there, I will pull at least one of them out. Oh, and when you edit these chapters individually it would be helpful to see them all there. So, I will say that the comma here is unnecessary. I won't say why, because you already know why. But there was one time where the comma after the 'but' was supposed to be there and correct in this chapter! Let me dig it up and show you...

There aren’t any windows in the room but, on one side, there’s an enormous


Now this was where it was done correctly ;) I wanted to applaud you :D

I’m in a large, darkly furnished room. In the centre is a large, black leather chair


In two consecutive sentences you use the word 'large' as a descriptive word, and it might be nice to have a change up in vocabulary there. How about a synonym? One of them could become 'big' or 'giant', depending on what you think fits best.

Now, here is my problem with the simulations. Have you ever read the book or watched the movie Divergent? If you haven't, you might want to now. Because in that book/movie they have something called simulations where they run through their fear landscape to help them overcome their fears. Now this sounds pretty close to your book, whether you have seen it or not, and seeing as Divergent sadly got famous it means you can't really use this idea anymore. Now, that doesn't mean you should take out the whole part that revolves around the simulation because I think you handled that part of the story very well and it is important that we see her running through her fears. But maybe think of a different way of getting her there. Instead of it being her fears, just have it being scenarios they want to test her reaction to. Make her standing up when she goes through it, and make her be left alone in a room that fills with this gas that puts her in a state of sleep and enters the scenarios in her mind. Or something else! Just have it be different from the simulation idea that runs in Divergent. In fact, at best the word simulation shouldn't be mentioned in this chapter at all!

I know what I’m expected to do. I have to kill him.


I feel like the sentence needs a 'somehow' followed by a comma and then the rest of the first sentence. Yes, it's fine for us to know she knows she has to kill Charles. But we should also be reminded that she doesn't know how she knows. It just adds a bit more to the story.

After the simulation, when Elizabeth is asked how she is, she says okay. But she shouldn't be okay! We've just seen her heartlessly torture another person, kill her friend Charles, as well as kill her own father. She also had a son and now that kid is ripped away from her because he doesn't really exist. If it's true to what you say, then all of that felt real to her, and that is going to be hard to cope with. Maybe she didn't know she had it in her to kill and harm so many people. In fact, we'd call what she just went through some real emotional trauma. I doubt that after she comes from that she would simply be okay. She'd be crying, inconsolable, thoughts running through her mind about who she really is after seeing her values questioned through the visions. Grief for a child she never really had, grief for her father all over again and the man she tortured to death. She should simply not be okay, and I think you should change that part of the chapter to make it more realistic here, and more emotional. Us readers love that emotion ;)

Us readers also love hearing all about Elizabeth's thoughts. What does she think of herself now? She didn't even question who it could be outside when she shoots her father in the head. And she has the strength in her to shoot her best friend Charles. So what does she think of herself now? I would be thinking that yes, she will be able to kill Matt now after killing all those other people. It maybe have been tests on their part, but it was almost as if it was actually the training she needed to kill Matt as well, and that's a clever play on your on part. So, I think she should be thinking more about the people she killed and how she views herself now. As a horrible, disgusting murder, capable of all those things? Or does she believe that was just a vision, not something that really happened, and doesn't really reveal anything about herself? Is she in denial? I would love to know...

This was a pretty good chapter. There are some things that need to be changed, and some things that can be expanded upon, but then there are some things which were handled very well. Great sense of creepiness throughout it, and the descriptions were done very well. It was almost as if we were there experiencing everything along with Elizabeth herself. I can't wait to keep reading and see what she is going to do with the Matt situation :D

Image

Deanie x

thanks for reviewing. I haven't actually read divergent but I think I'll have to now :)

Yay! You posted more! :D :D Sorry it took so long for me to get to it!

Suggestions

when I’m about to give ask Eddie where I’m supposed to go for ‘training’
I think you should get rid of the word "give", with it in the sentence it is kinda confusing.
“Why don’t you work that out?”
I feel like this would sound better if you added "for yourself" before the question mark.
The floors pristine from frequent washing but
There needs to be an apostrophe before the s in "floors".
George is stood there,
You should change "stood" into "stand". It would make more sense with the tense you are writing in.
I’m stood in a quarry
Should be "standing", not "stood".
You have been with us for several says so
This should be changed from "says" to "days". That's just a simple typo.
I smell burning
There needs to be punctuation at the end of this sentence.

So that happens to be all the suggestions I have on your work. And that is just what they are, suggestions. You don't have to make the changes at all. As a writing, and more specifically a poet, myself I know that not all reviews you get are great or what you want to hear. Some of them can be very cruel, I know because I have gotten a few of them. So this is your work, and you can do with it as you wish. I do, however, hope you will at least take what I have suggested into account and think about changing it because I believe what I suggested will help improve your writing. :)

Lovely Things
they part like a school of fish before a shark
I really like this simile!!!
You did a really great job with the scenes here! They are very descriptive and I picture them.
the bullets sink into my chest
This is a really strong line, and it is, I don't know, I just think it's a really strong descriptive line.

An Overview
Overall this is a good chapter. You only have a few minor errors, but your descriptions are fantastic!! :)

Keep writing awesome stuff,
Tasha

Hello, darling!
Aurora here with a review day review for you! Haven't read the previous chapters, so please do excuse me if I say something that's been cleared up previously.

However, when I’m about to give ask Eddie where I’m supposed to go for ‘training’, Julie from tests appears at my elbow.
Hmm. That sentence is too long and reads oddly. Maybe split some stuff up? You don't really need the 'from tests' after Julie (I get that that's how your MC is thinking of her, but it doesn't exactly help the flow of the sentence). And the transition 'however' is kind of (really) out of place for this sentence in particular.

He stops trying to talk to me and scarpers.
I was not aware that scarpers was a word.

“Elizabeth, I’m taking you to training.” She informs me before walking away briskly.
Comma after training, and don't capitalize the 's' in she.

The entrance hall is filled with people, some of whom I’ve never seen before but, they part like a school of fish before a shark.
Comma after before, not after but.

“As you know, you’re special to all the other kids here; you’ve been singled out.
'To all the other kids here'? Hmm. Try 'Compared to', and 'All of the'

“Yes.” I say, a feeling of dread spreading from my head to the tips of my toes.
If you're going to say the tips of her toes, start from the top of her head.

His hands are attached to arm rests on the side of the bench and screws are attached to his fingers.
Armrests is one word, not two.

“Nothing.” He whispers before closing them again for the last time.
Comma after nothing, and the 'h' in he shouldn't be capitalized.

The scene changes again and, suddenly, I’m stood in a quarry, facing a line of twenty gunmen.
I stand. Or I'm standing :).

I smell burning
Forgot to finish that sentence?

“It’s time for dinner so why don’t you head to the hall?”
Comma after dinner and before so.

End of nitpicks.

You have a great chapter here, and I love the descriptions you have! Very Divergent-y, though. Maybe... maybe consider changing it to make it less Divergent?

Your pacing is great, if a little fast as you near the end. I wanted more of a reaction, more of her thought process when she reads the letter, even if she did already know what it was going to say.

Keep persisting, love.
Aurora

User avatar
Dracula
Review
Dracula wrote a review · Sun Sep 28, 2014 4:54 am

Hello! Happy September Review Day! I'll just be writing my thoughts as I go, but by the looks of it there isn't much wrong with this chapter.

However, when I’m about to give ask Eddie where I’m supposed to go for ‘training’, Julie from tests appears at my elbow.
You made a typo. You don't need give in there.

They part like a school of fish before a shark.
No problem here, I just really like this line. It made it incredibly easy to imagine the scene.

“Therefore, we’re going to try and combat your fears today.”

“My fears?”

“That’s what the tests the other day were for.”

“So, what’re my fears?”

Are you a fan of Divergent? I know this concept isn't just used by Veronica Roth but it reminds me of it so much. :) I'm not saying that you're copying it, your story seems quite different, I'd just like to know if you're a fan.

I love the way you've written about her fearscape. You've got me hooked.

Suddenly, the door flies open. George is stood there, his face less ugly in the darkness.
George is 'standing' there.

You have been with us for several says so, it has been decided that, the time has come for you to undertake your first assignment. You will get Matthew Bryan alone and you will kill him, staging it as a suicide. If you do not complete this assignment, there will be consequences.
I've just got a couple of nitpicks about the letter. Firstly, 'You have been with us for several says so,' I think your brain got ahead of you and you typed the wrong words. Secondly, I don't think 'you will get Matthew...' is formal enough. Maybe 'you will isolate' could work. I also suggest you put the letter in Italics.

That's me finished! I enjoyed your story a lot. The fearscape was absolutely fantastic!! Keep writing!

I have read Divergent and I liked it but I wouldn't go as far to say that I'm a fan. I prefer Harry Potter :)



Think left and think right and think low and think high. Oh, the thinks you can think up if only you try!
— Dr. Seuss