By the time I’ve made my way down onto the landing, I can hear the sounds of cutlery against china floating up from the dining hall below. My stomach gives an almighty rumble and I hurry down to the entrance hall, slipping silently through the large doors and making my way swiftly towards where Eddie’s sitting. A few people glance up as I hurry past the tables but, I ignore them, keeping my eyes on the back of Eddie’s slightly coppery head. I glance up at the high table and see Chares staring at me intently. I look away, determined to reach my destination without being asked where I’ve been. However, as soon as I slide into a spare seat next to Matt, I’m hit by a thousand questions.
“Where have you been?” Poppy demands.
“What did Charles want?” asks Scarlett.
“Why are you so late?” Eddie questions.
“You hungry?” Matt asks, pushing a plate of chicken pie towards me. I nod gratefully, shovelling the piping hot pie down my throat as quickly as possible, aware that everyone is looking at me expectantly, waiting for me to finish and explain myself. As soon as I allow my knife and fork to clatter onto the plate, Poppy pounces.
“So,” She demands, leaning forwards, “What did the gorgeous Charles want?”
For some reason, I don’t think that I should tell her what Charles said so I do what I do best. I lie. “He wanted to congratulate me on my fighting skills.” I lie smoothly and Poppy accepts it without question. Scarlett, however, narrows her eyes and scrutinises my face which I fight to keep nonchalant.
“Did he?” She asks, raising her eyebrows, “And what did he say exactly?”
“Only that I should consider practising boxing during lunch hour.”
“That’s nice.”
I can tell from her tone that Scarlett’s not entirely convinced but, despite the fact that she doesn’t like me, she doesn’t strike me as the type to gossip unnecessarily. She’s a useful, if not prickly ally to have.
Before Scarlett can question me further, the savoury plates are removed and replaced with a glorious-looking chocolate cake. Matt, Pete, Jack and Eddie grin at each other before cutting themselves mammoth-sized portions. Scarlett rolls her eyes and takes a sliver. Once everyone’s finished demolishing the chocolate cake, the man in the suit stands up. Instantly, everyone falls silent.
“Now,” He says, clearing his throat, “I am aware that you have all been working very hard.” He gazes around the hall, glancing at everyone’s expectant faces before continuing, “And I am also aware that it has been quite some time since we’ve held a ball.”
Several girls shriek with excitement before falling into shrill peals of laughter. Several of the boys look at the man as though he’s dealt them an unjust blow. The man glares at the girls and eventually, their laughter subsides and he continues.
“Therefore, next week, we shall host a ball on Friday from eight until midnight.” He clears his throat again, “Your lessons and activities will be suspended for the afternoon so that you are able to get ready.” Several of the boys raise their eyebrows at this but the girls, particularly those who giggled, look delighted. “You will also be expected to bring a date.” The man says before sitting leading everyone out.
“Poppydoyouwannagototheballwithme?” Pete asks in one breath, fiddling nervously with his hands.
Poppy rewards his ‘bravery’ with a glowing smile. “Of course I do.”
Pete grins and Scarlett rolls her eyes. I see her sneak a glance at Matt who nods. Poppy talks excitedly about the ball as we make our way out of the hall and up to the common room. She babbles on about what she’s going to wear and exactly how she’s going to style her hair for what seems like eternity until we finally reach the common room and she perches herself on Pete’s lap and begins to kiss him in a somewhat nauseating manner.
“So, Elizabeth,” Eddie says, sidling over to the bar where I’m locating drinks for everyone, “Who’re you going to go with?”
“I’m not sure,” I say nonchalantly, hunting down a bag of crisps and pouring them into a large bowl, “I haven’t really been here for long enough.
“Well, you can always go with me.” He says, grinning at me nervously.
I look at his expectant little boys face. I sigh inwardly. “I’d love to.” I say. Eddie grins widely and I can’t help but feel sorry for him. She may be terrifying but I can’t help but think that he’s be better off with Isla than with me.
Eddie practically bounces away and I follow, carrying several cans and the bowl of crisps.
“So now, we just need to find dates for Matt, Scarlett and Jack.” Eddie’s saying.
“Why, who are you going with, Eddie?” Scarlett asks although I can tell from the way that she glances at me that she already knows the answer.
“Well,” Says Eddie, grinning like a little boy who is doing something which he is not supposed to be doing, “Elizabeth just said that she’d go with me.”
“Did she now?” Scarlett says, turning her head towards me. Poppy looks amazed. Scarlett, meanwhile, looks amused.
“Yes, I did.” I say proudly. “Although I have absolutely no clue what I’m going to wear.” I add, looking pointedly at Poppy. I don’t really care what I wear but, judging by the way Poppy squeals and claps her small hands together, she does.
“It’s ok, we get given credits for good performance to spend at the shop.” She says excitedly, “I’ll help you pick something out, if you like.”
“Will I have any credits?” I ask.
“I don’t know,” Poppy says, biting her lip, “You’d have to ask Charles.”
“Ok,” I say, getting to my feet, “Where’ll I find him?”
“The gallery above the dining hall. Second door on your left.” Scarlett tells me.
I can feel Scarlett’s eyes burning a hole in my back as I stand up and remove myself from the common room. The strange thing about Scarlett is that, although she might not have that many ‘people’ skills, she seems to be able to see right through me.
I meander down the array of corridors. I’m not sure exactly how many people live here; the hall always seems to be packed but, the corridors always seem to be empty. At last, I reach the landing and I locate the second door to the left. I knock, hear someone within murmur something about ‘entering’ and push the door open. Charles looks up from the papers which he is working on. He looks nothing short of alarmed. He leaps to his feet, scattering papers over the floor.
“How can I help you?” He asks once he’s managed to control himself.
“I was told that I would need credits to buy a dress for the ball?” I say, hoping that he doesn’t ask who I’m going with.
“I see Eddie managed to pluck up the courage to ask you then.”
“Yes.”
“Well, due to your special situation, I have been told to give you unlimited credits.” He says, plucking a card from the pile of papers.
“Special situation?”
“Yes, you, unlike your beloved Eddie, will be going out on a mission.” He says before adding, “In short, you are not disposable so therefore we must make sure that you work hard.”
“That was the ethos I used to have with my horses.”
“Well, here’s your card.” He says, handing me the platinum card, “Get something nice for Eddie.” He adds scathingly. I raise my eyebrows and walk out of the door.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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Hi 90skid!
I just love reading this story. The more I read, the happier and more satisfied I become because the story seems to continue improving in storyline, style and all those other aspects as well! I think you did a good job of showing more about the relationships between the characters and how they feel about each other. On top of that, I feel like something big and important should happen at the ball as well that will progress the story. So much could happen, and I can't wait to see what you will do with that event. Anyway, this chapter was a good build up to what might be coming soon, and a chapter that was mostly stressed on character. You did it well ^.^ I also liked how Pete's asking out was blurred into one sentence - now that is how you use writing style to your advantage. I loved it!
I thought her friends were in the right to ask about what happened with Charles and what he said, seeing as they all want to know the latest gossip. But she did just pick a fight with someone! I feel like some of the questions should be directed as to whether or not she is in trouble, or expelled (if they can be?) and other things along the lines of that. In fact, I think it's odd that she was put in trouble in any way. In order to create order in a facility there has to be some form of discipline, just like there is in schools and other places. Why should it be different here? Make sure she gets a telling off, whether it's something stronger or just verbally. Elizabeth shouldn't be let off the hook too easy.
I do like how I am seeing this problem less in your chapters as we are going on with reading them. But I will have to point out how you have a comma after the but which is not needed. I can't remember if I have told you before, but just like how you never have a comma after and because it is a conjunction in itself, you also don't need one after but. So, yes, take that one out.
One thing I noticed was that you mention how much Scarlet doesn't like her and all that. But let's have a reason as to why. Is it because Elizabeth was easily able to figure out the secret she shared with Matt about their relationship? Was she content with her friends group before now and thinks Elizabeth has shifted the balance? I don't mind characters not liking each other, or even liking each other, but there always has to be a motive and an answer to the question why. And we need to know that reason why
Also, another thing is the fact that in all previous chapters you never mention that Scarlett doesn't like Elizabeth. In fact, I only thought that Elizabeth had a problem with Isla and no one else at all, which struck me as odd. I think that when you go back and edit previous chapters you need to make sure you slip in some moments that clearly show that Scarlett doesn't like her, or other readers might also get the wrong end of the stick like I did.
I think it's a bit cruel for them to say that they all have to bring a date! Does that mean all the loners will be turned away from the door because they are going single? Or what if everyone asks someone and they have an odd number of people or something? Can that person not go! Maybe you shouldn't say it is expected for them to have a date, but it would be nice if people brought dates. But then again, when it comes to balls the subjects of dates are usually granted, and people will ask others anyway. Mostly the hosts don't need to request to the people to bring some, and that seems a little sketchy there. I wouldn't mention it, but maybe something like everyone knew the pressure of finding a date had been implied or however you would want to go about it.
I don't have much more to say! I will be looking forward to your next chapter and hoping it is as good as this one as well
Deanie x
thank you so much for reviewing so many of my chapters!
Chapter ten, here comes a review!
You should add a comma in here or reword it in some way, it just seems a little bit confusing.Suggestions
Just suggestions, don't have to change it, etc etc etc.
Lovely Things
Haha, I think we all know people who do that. xD
I can easily picture this!! Good job.
An Overview
So overall, this was a good chapter!
Keep writing and happy review day,
turtlethatroars
Hi! Cricket here for a review!
Hmm, now generally I don't nitpick pieces word by word and talk about grammar the entire time, but I might do a bit of that. OK? Hope you don't mind!
Now one thing I noticed is that your grammar with dialogue is slightly lacking. Granted I love how you do your dialogue tags, and I hope you keep that up, but you are required to use proper grammar. This problem is really throughout the entire work, so I won't be pulling out every bit of text here, but will just use this as an example.
For proper grammar, your dialogue tag isn't capitalized. Now if you started your dialogue tag off with a name, then it would be, but not the other way around. You start it with "he/she/them/they/" or whatever, then it isn't caps. All it takes is some practice so don't worry about it. Just keep grammar in mind when writing. It will become like a second nature to you in no time!
When doing dialogue tags, you still add in commas and stuff. So like you say "Scarlett asks" and then keep going into some juicy bit of description, you would add a comma there, as you're discussing an entirely different subject. So keep that also in mind when writing.
One thing I'd like to talk about is showing and not just telling. I mean, we all just want to plop whatever we can out there and hope that the reader can image it for themselves, but that won't really work. Not by a long shot. If you just tell them what everything looks like and don't truly describe anything, then it won't work out. Not for you and not for the reader. They won't have a clear image in their head of what everything looks like!
What I usually suggest for this would be to write using the Five Senses more. Try and describe using them. A reader wants to envision the entire picture, and if they don't have a very keen outlook on what everything looks like, then they won't get that picture. So go into sound, smell, maybe a bit of feel? Describe the surroundings using all five senses, and you can't go wrong. That's usually a good way to get rid of the telling and not enough showing. Usually. Another way, is to also just concentrate on that one factor of your writing for a while. Try and picture yourself as the reader and then see what's missing. That make sense at all to you?
Alright, overall I enjoyed this work, and I cant' wait to see you improve. You have some great potential as a writer, honestly.
Just work on the show don't tell thingy, and your dialogue and this will be amazing!
Keep writing!
~Cricket
Thank you for the review and thanks for enlightening me about the dialogue tags; I never knew that. Thank you
EPICnumber1 here for a review...
Happy review day!
Only think about the segestions you think are worth adding in to your story don't bother with the ones that are wrong or don't fit.
Ok although I haven't read your other chapters I didn't think it mattered because I understood everything that was going on.
“Poppydoyouwannagototheballwithme?” I loved this idea of putting it all in to one sentece so I kind of knew how he was saying it.
You use the same sentece structure for the majority of sentence structures and it gets boring towards the end.
Unlike any other story I didn't get distracted I hung on to each word.
Great story
keep writing
-EPICnumber1
Thank you. I'm editing my book at the moment so I'll check out the sentence structure whilst I'm doing that.
Salutations for a third to last time!
This chapter is much shorter than the previous one, and although short chapters annoy me greatly when I encounter them in a novel, they are quite functional here on the Young Writers Society. You understand, reviewers are frightened off by very long "chapters", so if you want to write a twenty page chapter, like I do, you must split it into several parts, otherwise it will be far too long and nobody will even want to look at it. Furthermore, by splitting it up into several parts, reviewers can analyse your work more in depth and give you specific criticism on a particular part - the average reviewer prefers not to write more than two thousand characters, so you see how you can get ten thousand characters' worth for a chapter split into, say, five parts, as opposed to a gargantuan piece of writing.
I actually guessed what Pete wanted to say here, rather than actually read his speech; it is smart of you to write his whole sentence as one word, thereby indicating the speed at which he was speaking.
It was also not very difficult to guess that Eddie was going ask Elizabeth out to the Ball - and not just because you have already indicated his romantic interest in her. However, I can just imagine how Isla is going to fantasise about torturing and murdering Rebecca...
In fact, I am surprised that Charles did not ask Relizabeth (that is how I shall be referring to her from now on) to go to the Ball with him, but I suppose he is not strictly allowed to. Also, I just realised something - Charles is the only "older" trainee you have mentioned thus far. What about the rest? Just because Relizabeth is not one of them does not eman they are not there.
Out of all the chapters you have written thus far, I like this chapter the most. I have very little about which to complain, so a sincere congratulations on that.
Thank you for the review. I like your reviews because whilst they might be a bit too honest, an honest reviews better than just being told you're wonderful time and time again and never being given anything to work on.
Hello! I'm here to review.

It took me forever to find something to mention in here. I'm so glad I found a nitpick.
It's not even that big of a deal. You forgot the speech mark at the end.
There is seriously nothing else wrong with this. I'll just praise you instead, okay? Okay.
This is the first time I've read a chapter of your story, and in this chapter I got to know your characters. So high five for the excellent descriptions and development.
At the beginning of the chapter, I thought this was your average high school story, but then I got to missions and credits and wow. I'm surprised.
So that's all I've got to say, there's basically no faults in this. Hopefully this is big enough to count as a review or I'm going to strike the earth with lightning.
Thanks
yeah sometimes when you're typing you just forget to put speech marks at the end