My name is Rebecca Grace Parker and I watched my family die five years ago. I was ten then. I’m fifteen now. I escaped and went to live in the nearest city. I move every week. Five years ago, the rebel army swept through my country and destroyed most of the towns. Now they’re not the rebel army; they’re the ones in power. Thankfully, they didn’t keep track of the people that they murdered or they would know that I escaped.
The alarm goes off and I stagger out of bed and walk towards the box in the corner of my room. The box contains all the supplies I will need for a week, before I move again. I move every week, not because I think that the authorities are searching for me but because I’m afraid that if I stay in the same place for too long I’ll have the time to dwell on the past. I try to ignore the past and look to the future but when the future seems so bleak, the only thing I can look forward to is when this all ends. Either when someone finally takes them on or when I die. Whichever comes first.
I grab a piece of stale bread from the box and begin tearing it off. I sleep in my clothes so that I’m ready in case I have to move quickly. Today’s moving day. I’ll pick up my box and walk out of this dump and go somewhere else. I don’t know where my next stop will be. I guess I’ll just find a road and walk along it until I find somewhere cheap to stay. After a while, you forget that the bread’s stale and that you’re constantly hungry. You just get used to it. Apparently in the days of plenty, people used to starve themselves to be beautiful. I wish I had the luxury of having the option of starving myself or eating a full meal. Right now I’d kill for something other than stale bread but it’s all I can afford. I don’t have the luxury of choice anymore; the government took that away from me.
I sigh and get to my feet, throwing my blanket into the old cardboard box. There. Packing done.I pick up the box andwalk out of the door and down the rickety stairs, pulling a pair of holey gloves on as I walk.The guard dog raises his shaggy head as I leave but he’s far too hungry to do anything but watch. I haven’t paid the bill for the place but, since the landlord isn’t up, I guess I won’t bother. Why pay someone who’s too lazy to get out of bed? I always get up early on moving day in the hope that I’ll be able to avoid paying. After all, the authorities think I’m dead so what can they do?
A group of drunken men are walking home on the other side of the street. I try desperately to blend in with my dilapidated surroundings.
“Hey there, sugar, it’s pretty cold out here, you wanna warm up with me?” One of them calls. Inwardly, I swear, but outwardly, I pretend not to notice.
“Aww, come on darling, don’t be so uptight. Come play with us.” Another calls. I fix my eyes on the ground and hurry forwards. Bam! Suddenly I slam into something that reeks of alcohol and something else. I look up. It’s one of the men. I turn around. Another’s behind me. I look around. I’m surrounded. I swear.
“You know, you shouldn’t use that language, sugar, I might have to punish you.”
I shudder. I’d rather die first. I scan around, praying for an escape route, hoping that someone will walk past. The men are closing in. They’re getting closer. I can smell their reeking clothes and alcoholic breath. I try not to gag. I count them. There are five. Each one of them probably weighs at least fifty kilograms more than me. I can’t escape them using physical force so I’ll just have to outsmart them. Thankfully they don’t look particularly intelligent.
One of the men, the one with black hair, reaches out to grab my arm. I skitter away like a nervous horse.He laughs. The big blond one inches forwards. The black-haired one grabs my arm. I pull my arm back and knock him in the face with my elbow. Starvations given me elbows like knives. For once my poverty’s actually helping me. I laugh quietly to myself. Blood from the man’s face spurts over my clothes. He swears but right now he’s trying to staunch the flow so he’s in no position to touch me. The other four, however, are furious that I dared to lay a finger, or rather elbow, on their brutish friend. The blonde one charges forwards. I sidestep him and he charges into one of the others, knocking him into the wall. He knocks himself unconscious. That’s intelligence for you. The blond one lies on top of him for a few seconds before getting up, readying himself for round two. One of the others grabs me from behind. The blond one crouches down on the pavement and attempts to pull my dirty jeans down. I lift my leg up with all the force that I can muster into his drunken face. He groans and falls backwards. This time he doesn’t get up for another round. I fling my head back into the chest of the man behind me. He laughs and calls for the only other man still standing. He lumbers forwards and tries to grab my legs. He goes the same way as the blond one. Four down. One to go.
“Quite the little fighter, aren’t we?” He says, his lips near my ear. I gag, the stench of his breath is overwhelming. He laughs. I jerk my elbow forwards, freeing one arm. Before he has time to grab it again, I twist around and bring my knee into his groin. He bends over, clutching the place where my knee made contact with his skin. I stamp on his feet. He groans again. I bring my knee up and kick him in the groin again. He falls over onto the dirty pavement. I begin to hurry forwards before they can try to stop me. I guess I’m not such an easy target after all, huh?
“Very good.” Says an amused voice, “Textbook stuff.” I jump, raising my fists, ready to flee or fight, depending on the size of the owner of the voice. I glance around wildly, looking for them. “I must say, I thought they were going to get you.”
Finally, I find my voice. “Who are you?” I call, my voice shaking slightly.
“Sorry, I forgot to introduce myself.” A man walks out of a nearby alleyway, holding out his hand, “Charles, Charles Grey. And you are?”
I don’t answer.
“It’s ok, you can tell me.”
“Rebecca Parker.”
“Well, Rebecca Parker, I have a place where people like you are needed.”
I eye him warily. I’ve heard about men like him. They prey on homeless girls like me. I do not wish to become one of those girls. I turn around and walk off in the opposite direction. He laughs.
“No, it’s not that sort of place.” He says, “Look, here’s a card with my number on it. Give me a call.”
He hands me a card. It’s made from plain white card and has the words: Occidere Occidi printed on it in bold black lettering, along with a contact number and Charles’ name. I stuff it in my pocket. I look up but Charles has gone already. I shrug my shoulders and trudge on.
I walk until I reach the end of the street then I turn left. I have no idea where I am going; all I know is that I have to move. I know that the rebel army think I’m dead but, moving is a habit. Moving keeps me busy. If I didn’t move, I’d start to remember. Remembering is worse than forgetting so, I lock away my past and throw away the key. The past is, in my mind, completely unnecessary when it comes to the future; you can carve your own path through life, no matter how low down the heap you started. THUD! I’ve walked into someone. I look up. A tall, muscular man is staring down at me. I mutter an apology and continue walking. I don’t want to be noticed. The man opens his mouth as I scurry off but before the words are formed, I’m gone. Keep your head down and your mouth shut. That’s the only way to survive.
I turn left at the end of the next street and continue walking. People avert their eyes when they see me. This is the nice part of the city. I do not belong here. I walk straight through a crowd of shoppers. They part to let me through, drawing their well-made clothes away from my worn and dirty ones. Their eyes dart over me. They think I’m here to pickpocket them. As if! I’m supposed to be dead. Like I’m going to make a conscious effort to get myself into trouble with the authorities. It’s odd the world thinking that you don’t exist; it gives you a sense of liberation and a sense of overwhelming dread. If they knew that I was still alive, they’d kill me. No one was supposed to witness the burning of my town. The government’s trying to erase their bloodthirsty past already. They’re trying to pretend that it didn’t happen. They want people to think that they brought about peace when they were the ones who started the violence. They’re liars. Hypocrites and liars. I hate them but what can I do? I am one person and they are several.
I have reached the nearest bus station. I’ll smuggle myself into the luggage compartment and get off at the first stop. I don’t care where I go, as long as it’s nowhere near here. I stand by the sign and wait for the next bus. I see the people nearby eying me distrustfully. It’s the same every time. I shrug my shoulders and put my hands in my pockets, staring straight ahead. Something hard catches my finger. I take it out. It’s the card I was given earlier. I’d forgotten about that. Like I said, I’m good at forgetting things. Below the man’s name is an address. It says: 21 broad street. Mortem Civitatem. Mortem Civitatem, that sounds familiar. I turn to the person on my left.
“Excuse me, do you know where Mortem Civitatem is?” I ask. He jumps back, alarmed that I have addressed him.
“That’s the old name for this city. “He whispers after glancing around to check whose listening.
The old name? I wonder what the new one is.
“Where’s 21 broad street?” I ask him. He looks shifty, as though this is somehow classified information.
“Go straight on and turn left. Don’t tell anyone who told you.” He says quickly before moving away.
I nod my thanks and walk on. I don’t know why I’m going to 21 broad street. It could be a trap. Maybe they have found out that I’m alive. Maybe they’re going to kill me. It doesn’t matter if they do kill me; at this rate, I’m going to starve to death soon anyway. A thousand possibilities whir through my mind as I make my way to the mysterious street. I keep my head down and hurry on until I reach Broad Street. I look around. I don’t want to ask for directions. Something about the man at the bus station tells me that no one’s supposed to know what happens inside 21 broad street, wherever it is. I walk down the street, looking for a clue. Suddenly, I see a sign with the number 21 on it. I hurry over to it.
The sign stands outside a tall, rickety, unsafe-looking building. I glance around quickly before darting inside the high brick walls which surround it. I walk up a path which has long since been overgrown by weeds and place my hands on the door. It’s open. I push it and walk inside.
From what I can tell, I’m inside a hallway. It’s narrow and dark. At the far end of the hallway there’s a door. I can see light shining through a small crack in the door. I creep over to it. There are people talking inside. I listen closely, trying to figure out what they’re saying.
“We need to do something. We need to act now.” A man’s voice says urgently.
“Shhhh!” Someone else hisses.
The man lowers his voice, “But we need to act. We have agents placed in all the major organizations.”
“Did you get the girl?”
“I don’t know. I gave her a card.”
With a jolt, I realise that they’re talking about me. The man must be Charlie.
“Do you think she’ll come?”
“I’m not sure. We need her, though.”
“I…”
Suddenly, a large cloud of dust wafts up my nose and I sneeze. The doors flung open. I look up into the face of Charles Grey.
Points:
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,836 Reviews
Hi there! This was an awesome chapter. As readers, we learned a lot more about Rebecca's reasons for leaving and what kind of society she lives in. One thing I'd like to find out, though, is why she is so different than the others, and why her city burned down, but others seem to prosper. Hopefully these things will be answered shortly.
Since there have been many other reviewers before me, I am confident that all the nitpicks have been pointed out. Be sure to fix them!
I really enjoyed the fight scene, but it seemed a little unrealistic to me. How would a fifteen-year old girl manage to fight all those men? It would have been nice if you could have mentioned that she had some previous fighting instruction, whether it be from a person or "by the book," as Charles said. Nonetheless, we know that Rebecca is a competent fighter, capable of defending herself.
I'm really excited to see what happens with Charles. Since I already read some of the later chapters, I know that they grow very close. It will be fun when everything starts to come together.
I'm sorry that this review is so short, but this chapter is very good and I don't have much to critique on! Keep up the great writing and editing!
thank you so much for reading it
Here I am! I came running to chapter one after reading, and reviewing, the prologue
I look forward to reading more from you
a lot of action in it, which keeps the reader reading
First off, if you didn't get it from the prologue, I like to start with the bad things:
-the first paragraph leaves me with a lot of questions (and not in a good way). You just sort of... started, without explaining anything. "I escaped and moved to the nearest city". Where did she escape from? What's the name of the nearest city? Why did she escape? Give us a little more of a backstory
-you say "I move every week" twice. It's not big, but I noticed it, and it wasn't great. Just change the sentence to something else, or switch it around.
-"Bam".
Bam? Bam?! Really? Come on, you know better than that! No no no, no words like that. That's bad, very bad. Just..... no
-again with the paragraphs. They got a lot of information in them. Split them up a little bit. There's too much in each of them.
Now onto the good things!
-I like how you started it off generally the same as the prologue, because then it's still hooking for the people who didn't read the prologue. And even after reading the prologue (I'm saying "prologue" a lot) it's still hooking like this.
-I love how bad you make the government seem! It's very dystopian, and I love it!
-you incorporate her feelings really well
-again, great detail and word choice!
-The ending was great! It really leaves the reader wanting more!
Great chapter
I look forward to more
Yes, the BAM! does seem a bit odd, doesn't it?
Hey, 90skids. I'm a little bit tired but I'm working on Review Day and I came across your story and I wanted to try to find chapter 1 before I read the rest of it. So, here I am reviewing for you even though you already have several reviews. I'll start off by saying that the first line really draws you in. It makes the reader want to know how and why she watched her family die. It doesn't seem as though you describe this, or at least not as far as I can tell at the moment because I like to write the review as I read so everything is fresh in my mind. I'd like to see more of the reason why/how/ect.
I'll also say that the line: "I was ten then. I'm fifteen now" doesn't need to be in there. It makes it really weird to read. I'm sure that you already know that, but I just thought I'd let you know so when you do go back and edit things you had that fresh in your mind.
The first paragraph wasn't as detailed as I thought it would be. You start it off with such a powerful sentence about watching her family die when she was 10 but then move on to describe this rebel army (why are they there? what do they want? is there a war going on? what time period is this taking place...where?) but not much else.
In the second paragraph, you mention once again that you move every week but then describe why. I think that if you maneuvered some things around and took one of those "I move every week" out or something along those lines, it would read a lot better. I try to read stories out loud(most of the time) and it seems like the first sentence was a little too long...if you try breaking it up, it would read a little better.
I feel like you mention that you're moving a lot. In the third paragraph, you say again that it's moving day but if readers were paying attention they will know that from the previous paragraph.
You mention information about the government taking things away from you. What happened? I wish there were more details there.
I sigh and get to my feet, throwing my blanket into the old cardboard box. There. Packing done.I pick up the box and walk out of the door and down the rickety stairs, pulling a pair of holey gloves on as I walk. I feel as though there was an opportunity for some quotations there, to sort of have the character saying to herself, while dusting off her hands "There," she sighs. "Finished."
I know that you said that you were going to outsmart the men with intelligence, rather then "being bigger" or "stronger" then the men who surround you however, you end up beating them up pretty much, even if you don't really do much except for sidestep them and knee them in the groin. It was just something I'm taking note on as I go because normally, intelligence means that you're outsmarting them with wit. However, knowing when and how to sidestep is intelligence but it seems your character is stronger then you made her seem to be in the beginning of the paragraph.
You ended it with a cliffhanger - which I do enjoy especially in stories like this one. I really want that back story on the rest of the things I mentioned previously. I also want to know why 21 broad street is so dangerous and what exactly is Mortem Civitatem. Very interesting name indeed. It may also seem like I have a lot of different things that I'm commenting on but over all, I really enjoyed the story itself. The things I'm commenting on do not take away anything from the actual plot, which is what really matters.
Thanks for the review! Yeah, a lot of people have picked up on those inconsistencies so I'll go back and fix them
Hello again!
I don't really thing you need to add this part in here, if it happened five years ago and they were ten now, most people can figure out they are 15.Suggestions
I would change "The box" into "It" because you just mentioned it in the line before so it would be fine to change it and not repeat the box again. I only say this because I can kinda be a little bit picky about repetitiveness.
You should add a comma before "but" so it's not so much of a run-on sentence.
I feel like it would be stronger if you said "box and begin tearing pieces of it off." It just adds more description.
This is just a super little thing here; you forgot the space after both periods and between "andwalk".
You forgot the space again.
You misspelled blonde here and also in the second line after that.
You are a tad bit repetitive here too. I would just say "plain white paper"
It should be "thinks" not think.
That's the end of the suggestions! They are just suggestion, hence the title of this section, and you don't have to make any of these changes. They are just my opinion on what I believe will make this chapter better!
Lovely Things
I like how you don't just say she get's out of bed I like the image of her staggering out of it.
I really like this bit right here; it makes sense that she wouldn't want to stay in one place too long.
This is a really powerful line!
I like the use of "Bam!". It really adds to the story.
This really made me laugh a lot. ^-^
Really nice metaphor here!!
I really liked the ending! It kept me interesting and itching to find out what happens! Great job there!
An Overview
So overall it seemed as if I had a lot of suggestions for this chapter but in all reality they were mostly small things that didn't affect the quality of your work that much. It was a very interesting chapter especial towards the end, that was probably my favorite part in all of it.
Happy review day,
turtlethatroars
Hi 90skids!
It's me again, your adoptive parent. Here to try and give you another review!
So far, we get to see a bit more of Rebecca's character in this chapter. Now we know she is a tough person who knows how to look after herself and is trying to run away from her past. She wants other people to do something about the government but is too dead and lost inside to want to do anything about it herself. She is simply trying to get by and survive. And without knowing it until now, it seems like there are other people who could do a lot more. I am looking forward to knowing why Charles needs her, and if she is going to accept the offer. What I liked in this chapter was how you showed the difference between her as a poor person and the more well off. Even in this world we are still getting the separation between classes due to money.
As Noelle said, this sentence is a bit repetitive because you mention her age twice, when we could easily work it out ourselves. But then, telling us a lot easier than having the reader need to pause and do maths. So how about this? My name is Rebecca Grace Parker and when I was ten I watched my family die. I'm fifteen now. What I liked about the sentence was the bluntness of her telling us her age at the end there, so maybe try and keep it in there somehow. But that was merely a suggestion, you can do as you please
These may be in two separate paragraphs, but you are repeating yourself unnecessarily. So try and cut one of them out. We do need the explanation as to why she is moving, but I liked where you mentioned it before. So, I think it might be best if you took the sentence one and put it where the first one is (with the complete explanation along with it, of course.)Then we know she is moving and only need to receive that information once.
One thing we still don't know is what this rebel army was rebelling against. Did they just want power? Maybe the leader did, but he would need to make a just enough cause to get followers to be first believe their opinion is correct, and then choose to join the rebel army. Or maybe there was something bad about the previous government that they wanted to change, but in the end they are no better as a replacement? I wanted to know the cause and reason for the rebel army forming and what they're rebelling against. It's important information if they are going to live up to their title.
Hm, in this sentence you repeat yourself as well. You first say she doesn't want to have time to dwell on the past, hence we believe she tries to ignore/escape it. And then you repeat in the next sentence. Maybe cut one of the sentences so we don't get this repeat right next to each other.
Here's where the element of show not tell comes in. You mention that this place is a dump, but you don't show it to us. Other than knowing these living quarters have a staircase, I don't know anything about it. What are the walls like, and the floor? How clean is it? How many rooms are there and how big are they? Take the time to describe the little boarding house she has been staying at, so we can get a better grip on what living in poverty is like for her.
On top of that, I wonder if the boarding house is the only dump in the area, or if the town itself was? In fact, what does the town look like? I don't know if it's like the ones we have in our life, or if they are different because it's your story. I don't know if the towns are small and only have a few people in them, or if they're bigger. Cobblestone streets, brick or mud houses? All these things need description in there to describe them, and need the reader needs them to have a clear image of the scenes that we're reading about in their minds. So, don't forget setting descriptions. Mixing it in with actions and dialogue can also help it not turn out to be a big chunk of description landed in the middle of a chapter.
Again, I am going to mention the show not tell rule. Many authors and people say it's best to take out all the adverbs from a story. Now, I am not going to say that is strictly true, but it can be in some cases. This is one of them. Instead of just telling us she is desperately trying to blend it, let us know what she is doing to make this happen. Is she pressing her shoulder as close as she can to the wall as if she can melt into it? Has she got her head hanging low, tendrils of her hair almost touching the box clasped in front of her? Are her shoulders hunched and her walk sped up at the sight of the men? Details such as these are what catch the reader on that hook which keeps them reading. It helps them build that image in their minds.
Seeing as this is a street name, it needs to be capitalized all the time. As in 21 Broad Street.
You use a lot of short sentences, when you can also use long ones. Short sentences are perfectly fine for the action scene with the men, when you are building suspense as to how it will turn out an all. But when it comes to simple narrative, I feel like we need a bit more variation when it comes to sentence structure. Using some more conjunctions can help join together two sentences which could easily be one. Don't use 'and' all the time though xD Also, a lot of your sentences start with I because you say 'I did this' in terms of Rebecca speaking. Try and have less sentences starting with I. Variation is key in writing.
I think this is all I have to say on this chapter! I am definitely looking forward to reading the next one and get some more information on Charles and what he wants with Rebecca.
Deanie x
aaaand this is now my longest review ever
thanks for the review
I picked up on the thing with the box too when I re-read it
Hi there!
Well, you've definitely grabbed my interest! I do have something to say about it all, though. You repeat Rebecca's age here. First she mentions that she watched her parents die five years ago when she was ten. Then she mentions she's fifteen now. We could figure that out easily on our own
Also, along with that, you show us her family dying in the prologue. So it's not that big of a deal to tell us that again. If you want to show us that it's been five years since that happened though, you can just as easily say "I, Rebecca Grace Parker, have been living without my family for five years". Of course, you don't have to use that exact line, but something like that would work just fine. And then the risk of you repeating what just happened in the prologue is gone.
Meh, I'm not a big fan of this kind of sentence. I mean, he hasn't really had time to introduce himself, right? So instead you can just have him introduce himself as Charles. I think that'll work better.
This is just something real small, but I figured it's something worth mentioning. This is the second time that Rebecca ran into someone while she was walking. I'm sorry, but no one is that clumsy. Maybe instead, she walked by the man quickly, head hanging low to try and hide her face so she'll stay unnoticed.
Ah, so now Rebecca has run into some people that are like her. Well, I'm assuming they're like her, but they could just want her for something. Either way, she's not just stuck living in the streets anymore. I like seeing this introduced in the first chapter. It really gets the story going and gives us a general idea of what is going to happen.
I really hope we find out who/what this rebel army is soon. We got a sneak peak in the prologue with them coming to kill those people Rebecca was close to, or at least knew. But other than that, they've been nothing but a name. Are they after her because she's not on their side? What exactly is their side? You mention that they didn't keep track of who they killed and who got away, so why does she feel the need to constantly run from them? I know that some of these questions will be answered in later chapters, but it would be nice to see a few of them answered here. The sooner you give us information, the more interested we'll be
So, I really like the scene where Rebecca is fighting against the drunk men. It's written very well. However, I feel like the men might be a little less coherent. They are drunk after all. How are they able to stay upright enough to fight her? I guess what I'm saying here is that you could probably tone it down a bit. Maybe play up the comedy here and have them shout out random things while staggering around, throwing their hands out trying to punch her. It just seems a bit too much like an even fight, which it really wouldn't be if the men were actually drunk like that.
Overall, a great first chapter. We get to see where Rebecca is at after that terrible night five years ago and we are introduced to the plot a bit. Your writing style is consistent to that of the prologue so good job with that. Again, no grammar or spelling mistakes I can find.
Rebecca seems like a kick butt character. She's tough as nails and always up for a fight. I think it's because of what happened all those years ago, fighting against the rebel army. She probably learned how to fight. It would be really cool to hear about what she was doing for the past five years. I'm very curious about that. I'm sure there are some flashbacks or sort in later chapters. I'll be looking forward to that!
Alright, I'll get to the other chapters soon!
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
thanks for the review
there will be flashbacks
I like the premise of this, except I really think you can expand a lot upon it, if you have the time. Like your opening paragraph, for example:
"My name is Rebecca Grace Parker and I watched my family die five years ago. I was ten then. I’m fifteen now. I escaped and went to live in the nearest city. I move every week. Five years ago, the rebel army swept through my country and destroyed most of the towns. Now they’re not the rebel army; they’re the ones in power. Thankfully, they didn’t keep track of the people that they murdered or they would know that I escaped."
First of all - that's five years worth of psychological/emotional issues glossed over right there. Are you going to expand on it at a later time? Introduce us to the family before it was... um, severed? I think you really should because if you can depict how Rebecca interacted with her family then and how she interacts with others now it'll really show how the constant moving, being on alert has affected her, instead of just telling us.
And then the "rebel army"? Who are they? Are they in power now or was it a botched coup? What were they rebelling against? And keep in mind that in dystopian fic rebel usually has a more positive than negative connotation, seeing as protagonists are often the ones rebelling - so were the power constructs before unfavorable? Or are they now??? Because as far as I can tell, so far the only thing to indicate this is post-democratic or even a little off is the bit about the authorities. So it would do you some good to include bits about that as well.
And then there's Rebecca herself... if she's made it five years on her own, how has she done it? Is she a skilled pickpocket? A cat burglar? A beggar? How does she eat, where does she sleep, does she talk to anyone - what's her daily routine? Are fights like the one depicted part of every day life? And if so - does that mean she's a trained and/or skilled fighter? Is she street smart?
Just a few nitpicks, but otherwise, this is a great start!
thanks for the review
Your first paragraph packs a nice punch. The first sentence is great; personally, after “I was ten then,” I’d leave off “I’m fifteen now” just because 10+5 is a very easy problem to solve and your readers don’t really need you to spell it out for us. Also, I’d take “Five years ago, the rebel army swept through my country and destroyed most of the towns,” lop off the “five years ago,” and drop it after “I was ten then.” I think it would flow better that way; right now the timeline in the paragraph goes [five years ago] [present] [five years ago] [present], which is confusing.
You repeat “I move every week” in the second paragraph. Choose one or the other (I’d advise keeping it in the second), unless you’re aiming to portray Rebecca as having a compulsive need to move every week. Other than that, I like this paragraph, too; it starts the shift from pure exposition to sort of revealing how hopeless and defeated Rebecca feels.
I am wondering why Rebecca has a box instead of a suitcase, though. Boxes get heavy and cumbersome really fast; wouldn’t a suitcase be easier to manage, even an old fashioned one without wheels?
“Apparently in the days of plenty, people used to starve themselves to be beautiful.” <- This is a pet peeve of mine, the use of real illnesses that actual people struggle with today to sort of signpost how ~different~ things are in the time of this story. Hunger Games did it, too, with the Capitol folks, and I hated it there, too. It inevitably comes off as judgmental and self-righteous, as if anorexia or bulimia or other eating disorders are just something that people *choose* to have instead of a slow-growing disease that creeps up over time. Using it as a cheap device to be like “but the protagonist is starving!!” basically turns the suffering of real people into a throwaway line.
If you want us to see that Rebecca is starving, show her starving. Show her muscles atrophying and her hair falling out and her energy tanking, etc.; don’t have her say “gee, I wish I had the luxury of having an eating disorder.”
/soapbox
So the scene when Rebecca is attacked by the group of men gets really bogged down by that HUGE paragraph starting with “One of the men.” The action itself is fine, but it’s just a gigantic wall of text—break it up into a bunch of smaller ones. That’ll make the sequence seem faster, too, because the reader has to keep moving down the page.
Charles Grey seems very Mysterious and not all that trustworthy. I’m guessing he’s got his fingers in some sort of resistance movement? Presumably a violent one, considering that name—is he an assassin?
This is a nitpick, but 21 Broad Street should be capitalized, as Broad Street is a proper noun.
I like the sequence of Rebecca getting to Mortem Civitatem, although it’s left me with a lot of questions about worldbuilding. Is this a fully fantasy world? Is it meant to be a dystopia set in the ruins of our own world? What exactly are the current government’s policies and agendas and why did they have to achieve them with a coup and bloody rebellion rather than normal politics? What was the government they replaced like—worse, or better? At what level is the technology in this world? How has the present government managed to erase its bloody deeds from memory after only five years? Is Rebecca truly one of the only survivors—that seems a little unrealistic. If this is a dystopian setting, why does the city seem almost indistinguishable from a modern-day, real-world city?
These aren’t questions you necessarily have to answer right now, but YOU should definitely know the answers to all of them so they can inform your writing and keep everything consistent.
Overall, I like this and I’ll be moving on to the next couple of chapters now.
I've finished the book so right now I'm editing it, which is why I've uploaded it onto here. However, I have to review a lot of work to get one piece up so it's taking time. All your questions are answered later on, as she becomes more and more involved with the organisation.
Thanks for the review and the constructive comments!