There’s a difference between the lies they feed us and the truth they conceal; the lies sound good, plausible even, and the truth sounds terrible and sometimes unrealistic. We believe the lies that they tell us because we are fools. But more importantly, we believe the lies because we want to. What we believe in our hearts is still up to us, no matter what we might show on the outside. They can take everything else away from us but they can’t take away our minds. And if you don’t believe the lies that they tell? Well, if you don’t keep your mouth shut, you end up dead. Who’s the fool then? So you see, it’s a vicious cycle. So, you keep your head down and your mouth shut. Friends are enemies, enemies are friends. That is the nature of my world.
My name is Rebecca Grace Parker and I just watched my mother, father and brother die.
I lie crouched under a holly bush, watching as the men in black clothes and masks raise their guns. My brother’s crying. My mother’s staring straight ahead, her lips moving in silent prayer. My father’s staring at me, trying to tell me to run. But I can’t run. Instead, I remain under the bush, trembling. My legs, despite my protestations otherwise, refuse to move. I jump as the guns go off and my father drops to the ground. My mother falls next and finally my brother slumps over into a muddy puddle. The twenty or so other people who were dragged to this field to die with them lie in the mud with their blood mingling with the earth.
I crouch, staring at the body of my brave, strong and patient father. I tear my eyes away from his lifeless form and rest my eyes on my mother. She was neurotic and irritating but she was family all the same. I can’t bear to look at my brother’s body; his name was Luke Mathew Parker and he was eight years old. Too young to die. I used to brush his hair before he went to school; his now blood-soaked hair. I recognise the bodies that lie next to them: Paul Smith, the baker; Alice Johnson, who was in my year at school; Thomas Bright, the doctor who treated me when I had pneumonia; Samantha Hood, the butcher’s daughter….
I’m interrupted by the sound of feet tramping past my hiding place. I burrow deeper into the holly bushes, praying that they don’t find me and drag me out to be executed too. I sigh with relief when the footsteps die down. I lie in the bush, staring at the holly leaves above me until I begin to feel hot. Slowly, I crawl out of the bush to see the town where I lived on fire. Huge, orange flames rear up like cobras. They’re coming for me, they’re chasing me. I stumble through the field where my family lies and continue running. The flames are chasing me. They want me to die. They want me to join my family. They’re angry that I escaped. They want revenge. Death wants to welcome me. I stumble my way to the forest, trying desperately not to trip over tree roots. I gance over my shoulder at the burning village. I feel my foot slam into something hard and time slows down. Slowly, the ground accelerates towards me faster than I can escape. My forehead slams into the ground, and the grasping darkness swallows me whole
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,830 Reviews
Why wasnt she killed too? Didnt the killers find her? Is this an Open ending kind of thing you left for us to ponder on?
Only a few of the millions of questions my friend and I both have for you.
We think that this could be better if you described the murders a bit better because My friend was more confused. I was more confused reading the ending. What happend to the Village is another question. Who were those men and why was the Village burning? Did Rebecca know them? Did her family know them? Why was Rebecca spared?
Answer these questions when you describe the village and the murders. thats all I saw was wrong. I didnt add the Grammar and spelling corrections because I can see other people have already told you. Lauren and I figured we should give you some questions that were not answered in this part.
~Sam And Lauren
Hey there, 90skids!! Your book's adoptive parent (one of two, as I just discovered) is finally here to review the first part of your book. I'm so excited to begin! This will be my second book I've adopted, and I hope that I will be as helpful as possible to you. I hope you don't mind that I'm not going to review the first "Tomorrow" work you published since it consists of dozens of chapters, and chapters I'll review soon anyway.
Alright! Onto the review!
Protestations? Ha, I never even realized that was a word.
I think that there should be another comma after "strong." You also might want to use some better adjectives than the ones listed here. What about "courageous, tenacious, and forgiving"? (Thank you thesaurus.com
This sentence is worded so that it sounds as if she lived on fire. All you need to do is insert some little commas: "the town, where I lived, on fire."
It's hard to understand what is going on here. After reading it again, I can assume that the main character tripped, hit her head, and passed out, but it isn't very clear. And don't forget the period at the end!
Nice job!! This was definitely an engaging read, and it makes me wonder about a lot of things. Who is this poor Rebecca Grace Parker whose parents and brother were executed right before her eyes? Is this Earth, and if so, in the future? It makes me want to read so much more, even though I have to go to bed after I finish this review.
For a prologue, this was the perfect length! As annardj said below, however, you might want to break up those big paragraphs!
Awesome start to an undoubtedly awesome novel! Keep up the awesome work and see you next chapter!
Novels can have more than one adoptive parent though, so it's all good
Haha yes, they can! But now there are two posts for Tomorrow in the "Novels to Adopt" forum.
Hey, Anna Rae here for a review
well done!
First, let me just say that this sounds like a very interesting story, and incredibly unique, too! I can already tell I'm going to love it XD
So, I'll start with the bad stuff, because it's better to end on a good note
--the paragraphs seem a little long. There's a ton of info in all of them, but it's not always related. I think it'd be better if you split it up a little more. When you're starting a new idea or thought: plop, click enter for a new paragraph.
--not sure if you wanted to be mysterious, but I feel like it would help to know who "they" are. "They want revenge" "They're angry that I escaped". Who are they? I'd like to know
Now onto the good stuff!!!
--"My name is Rebecca Grace Parker and I just watched my mother, father and brother die." Can I just be the one to say "wow". Like, seriously. If that doesn't hook the reader, I don't know what will!
That's an instant grabber
--your detail is really awesome! When you described the dead people, I got chills. Very graphic, in a good way
--nice word choice, as well. Make sure you challenge the reader with a little bit of vocabulary that the average-Joe might not recognize.
--the ending left me wanting more - which is good because now I will be moving on to chapter 1, then 2, then 3, and so on
That's it! This was a great, and hooking prologue! I look forward to the rest of the story
Thank you for the review
and thanks for giving me stuff to work on as well as something to stop me feeling like to bad an excuse for a writer
Hi there 90skids!
I'm your new adoptive parent! xD Or more so, your novels new parent. I hope I can be helpful as I review this novel and all, and I will definitely be trying my best! I guess there is no time like the present to begin.
So, I found this was a great beginning to a novel. It makes so many questions arise, like what could these people possibly do that deserves this punishment? Where is she going to go now that she has no one and nothing? And lastly, and most importantly, I am wondering what kind of world she is living in. I can't wait for all these new things to be revealed to me.
Hm, one thing I wanted to know was how she managed to get there. If they dragged her into the meadow as they did with all the others, then she would've been seen and it would've been practically impossible for her to escape to a bush. But if her town is behind her, it would've been hard for her to run out in the open and then hide in a bush without them knowing she was there. I guess the mystery remains as to how she managed to get there really. So, maybe you should rewind a bit more and let us know how she ended up in this situation?
This kind of goes along with what I mentioned above. If they managed to nab her whole family, how did they manage to not get her? Did they not know she existed? I want to know this because it's hard to live with things that are mysteries! So, as I said above, maybe rewind a bit more and then show us this as well? I wonder how she became an exception. Also, you mention about 20 people who are there being executed. But I am sure there are many more in her town. Where did they go? Were they evacuated because they hadn't really done anything wrong, or did they manage to escape on pre-warning or something? Or maybe they are still in the town, scattering now that it is on fire. But then I would imagine there being screams or something. This is again another mystery I would like more information about.
Another question is, are these the first people she sees dying? If not, that is worth a mention. It would then tell us that death is commonplace in her world and that she would have the reaction she is having. But when she is thinking about her family and all those people she knows and can see dead, she doesn't even shed a tear. I would think there would be crying or something. I liked the thoughts, but what about physical emotion? These people she has loved with her body and mind for all her years are now gone, lying dead in front of her. It's hard to deal with one family member dying at a time, let alone all of them and other people that you've known for practically your whole life.
I don't believe there is anything more I can say that people haven't already mentioned! I think this was a great beginning and I am going on to read the other chapters
Deanie x
Thanks for adopting my novel
the questions you asked are, thankfully, answered later on in the book 
Oh, this book was already up for adoption??
I'm so smart.
Hi there!
I found a lot of your chapters posted in the Green Room so I figured I'd come check out the novel so I can get to the others! Be prepared for some spam review. Good spam review that is xD Let's see how far along I can get today.
The sentence I underlined really happens after the beginning of this next paragraph if you really think about it. Rebecca says that she just watched her family get killed, yet then she goes into describing the scene as if it's happening right then and there. It's a bit out of place in the timeline of this chapter.
Well, this is quite a full prologue, isn't it? So much happens here that it kept my interest through to the very last word. And all of this is in the prologue! If this happens now, I can only imagine what else is going to happen.
You've really missed a golden opportunity here though. Where is all the emotion? Sure we know that Rebecca is sad about all of the people who have died, but I don't really get a clear picture of it. To me, the whole scene with her watching the people die is kind of flat. Show us her heart pounding and the struggle to stay back and not rush to save her family. Show us the sweat piling up on her forehead as she's hiding in the bush. Since this is the prologue you can't do too much with these kind of things, at the risk of making it too long, but you can certainly slip some of it in there. Just one or two powerful sentences here and there.
Also, I get a bit confused in the last paragraph. She's getting chased, yes, but where are these people? You don't exactly tell us that they come after us; she just runs. And which direction is she going? I'm guessing she's running away from the town, but it would be nice to be completely sure of that.
Basically what I'm saying in these two paragraphs is to be a bit more specific.
That being said, I was very impressed with how this is written. It seems that you know exactly what your style is, which is great. Everything flowed well together and it was easy to follow. I love how you just start in the middle of everything in this. It really leaves us wanting for more information, which is great with a prologue. Keeps us reading.
Alrighty then, I'm onto the first chapter!
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
thanks :0
Hi 90skid!
You did a really good job here. The writing was very descriptive and you took your time with it! Good job!
Since this is the prologue, I am guessing that in the beginning of the actual story, there will be some things explained like why were people killing other innocent ones? Where does she live and who set the town on fire? If not, than I think you should add it here.
Also, I think more emotions and feelings from the main character would be good. How does she react when she sees this? There is a lot of focus around what is happening outside of her, but not on the inside.
I don't have much to say because this was very captivating.
Keep writing!
xoxo cheermonkeyxox
thanks for the review
Hey, Andy here for a review!
Ok, so I'm not even going to bother pointing out the gramatical errors the other reviewers pointed out. I'm sure you've read more than enough about that, so I'll focus on what makes a book flow smoothly: Sentence structure.
Ok, so first off, I would like to say that you are quite good at drama/suspense. I like using the tactic you used in the first paragraph a lot. (The spooky narrative/ jerk to present). However, I feel as though it could be reworded a little.
"Well, if you don’t keep your mouth shut, you end up dead. Then you are the fool."
Those two sentences don't read very smoothly. The first sentence flows well, but the second sentence is sort of abrupt. Maybe you should just get rid of the last sentence? (Or change it?)
The second thing about that sentence is in the beginning of your prologue, you say,
"We believe the lies that they tell us because we are fools."
Therefore, saying "Then you are the fool" Is redundant because you have already stated that average people are fools.
Ok, on to the next topic. Great jerk into reality, but don't you need a comma after father in
"mother, father and brother die."
I think that there are two styles, and either is correct, but I don't quite remember. (sorry for the grammar stuff, I know i said i wouldn't do it. But now i'm done.)
The next sentence I will look at is
"But I can’t run. Somehow, I stay here, under the prickly holly bush."
I feel as though this sentence is also somewhat redundant. "But I cant run" implies he is frozen. Then why is he "Somehow" stuck? (We already know he is paralyzed by fear.) You could change it to,
"But I cant run. So I stay here, trembling, under the holly bush. (He wouldn't notice the pain if he's that scared.)
Ok, last error.
"I stumble over a tree root and it all goes black."
That is the most ANTICLIMACTIC ending to a dramatic chapter ever. That's just screwing with the reader man. XD. You should make that a lot more elaborate and horrifying. For example,
"I feel a terrible jerk in my foot, and time slows down. Slowly, the ground accelerates towards me faster than I could escape. My forehead slams into the ground, and the grasping darkness swallows me whole".
Now, the fun stuff!
This chapter was very interesting, and It certainly hooked me. So great job there! If i were you, i would add a little more content into your prologue, but this is a lot better than a 10 page prologue. I just skip those.
Over all, great work!
Woah, I wrote a lot.
Thanks for the really constructive criticism. I've altered a couple of things now, especially the last bit where she trips over the root.
awesome!
Hey there! Welcome to this site as well! If you need help, feel free to ask!
I think this would sound better if you change it to say "But more importantly, we believe the lies because we want to."Suggestions
You are a bit repetitive here. I would maybe just get rid of "holly" because you said it a few sentences above.
If you change this to: "I used to brush his hair before he went to school; his hair that is now soaked with his own blood." I feel like it would be a stronger line that way.
I would add "That's when". It might sound better that way.
So, all that I have brought to you in this "Suggestions" section are exactly that, suggestions. I certainly will not force you to make these changes. It is your writing, and you may do as you wish with it. I will say that I think these suggestions will improve your work though.
Lovely Things
I really like this bit right here. It provides nice insight on the way things are.
*sniffles* Powerful writing right here.
Really nice description here!
An Overview
So overall, I really liked this piece and I can't wait to read the rest of what you have posted here! You didn't really have any errors, just a few parts where you were repetitive and other parts where adding or subtracting a word or two would make your writing stronger.
Keep writing,
tkpejb
Thanks for the review. I've altered a couple of things now and it sounds a bit better. Thanks!
No problem!
This is an impressive start. I agree with previous reviews, however. Excessive descriptions in places and overuse of adjectives. Make efforts to keep your work as concise as possible. Go through and remove the words that you could do without.
'brave, strong, kind, patient father.' As mentioned by other reviewers, this is just too much.
Also, you are just telling the reader all of this information. Show us how the MC's father was brave, strong and kind.
Likewise with the description of the mother. As a reader I enjoy picking up on small indications of what a character is like, through the actions that he/she makes in the story. If you pick up a published novel, you will find that the author explores a character through his or hers interaction with the world and other characters.
'My legs, despite my protestations otherwise, refuse to move.'
This sentence... read it out loud. It's awkward.
I think you have a pretty good ending there. Perhaps the final sentence could be worked on, but you weave good imagery in your descriptions of being chased by the fire, and your MC believing that the fire wants to take the her life.
Ultimately I enjoyed reading this, and look forward to seeing more of your work.
Ben
Thanks for the review. I've already changed the sentence about her father in my Word copy but I haven't got round to changing it on here. Thanks for the suggestions though.
Hi, Tulip here too give you a review.
Okay, this is good for the start of a book. The paragraphs are a bit to long in my opinion. I feel like the first one could be broken in half.bathe one where you are talking about her family members who they are, I would separate none family from the mix since she just lost her family, the shock is going to be tremendous.
Its is a good start but have your character feel the pain and shock that would come with losing family.
The only other thing I want to tell you is work on cutting down paragraph length. They are well written but you have to many ideas I side one.
thanks for the review
90skids, hello and welcome to Young Writers Society. You are fairly new, so if you have any questions come to me!
? But you get my point-don't use more than one comma. Yep, don't. Too much description is a waste of time, which no one can get enough of. Add too much descriptive adjectives, and BOOM you'll get a bunch of angry posts on your wall by ME. THE AWESOME.
. Keep writing, the future's comin'!
Let's face the cruel world: semicolons are underused. No one trusts them, much less uses them. Yet, it does not mean that you use them as much as possible. Replace yours, 90s, with a colon.
"...truth they conceal; the lies sound good..."
This is completely optional. One thing that bothers me is when you make it sound like you're trying to be descriptive. For example:
The dumb, pea-brained cow stood still, silent, and low underneath the big, leafy branches watching the erupting, hot volcano push steadily, hard, and forcing upwards.
That sounds so dumb, just like the cow. Why would a cow be next to a volcano anyways
"...body of my brave, strong, kind, patient father."
The end. No one can find words to fit it. The conclusion is hard, even for Rick Riordan. He has terrible cliffhangers. Anyways, I know her town is on fire and she tripped over a root, but does that cause people to black out? And besides, it is SO cliche. Shocking things happen, people run, main character's in panic, she does some weird thing and blacks out. I told you, it's cliche. Find something original, maybe make her get caught and have an epic escape. A good cliffhanger, unlike Rick here.
This was a good prologue. I would've liked it longer, but that's completely up to you. Sorry if I was a little to harsh
-wisegirl22
Yeah, I wasn't a great fan of the last sentence either but I can't work out anything else to replace it with. You got any ideas?
Here:
I closed my eyes, my feet thumping heavily on the ground. I skidded to a stop, before feeling a pair of hands on my waist: I was caught.