Young Writers Society

Ok this is good. I love the way you described the raindrop. Your poem has feeling which is good. I agree with the others as well. But over all this was a good poem.

--Bre

Okay, I found it!! And, since you went through all the trouble to ask me for a review, I will try my best to give a good review. Maybe you can repay it by reviewing something of mine?
Anyway, I love rain. And raindrops. I've written so many poems about raindrops and rain and fire, but that's irrelevant.
The first thing I noticed was that your rhythm is not very consistant. I think of rain as being something smooth and constant, and I think that since your poem is about rain, you should try and make the poem reflect the topic.
Alright, now I'll show you some specific spots that I liked or didn't like. I felt like copying the whole poem would be an easier way to do this. So, here goes:

A raindrop falls in an instant, (Good start, I like it)
and dissolves into the ground
as if it never existed. (I like the nonexistant part, but the dissolving into the ground seems a little overused to me. I mean, we all know raindrops dissolve once they hit the ground. See if you can come up with something more detailed, descriptive, or unusual for that second line.)


The raindrop collides with the earth, (Collides, good word choice)
taking its silent dive. (It seems contradictory, though, to have a silent collision. I think I like it, anyway, though.)
Wet concrete that is stepped on was
once a raindrop a mere seconds ago. (Alright, so these two lines need some work. I like the imagery of the wet concrete. It's a nice picture, and makes the reader better able to visualize what's happening. I mean, now we know there's cement, we can decide whether we want a city or a town or just a random slab of cement. However, the way you worded this sounds awkward. First off, "concrete that is stepped on" is passive. Try and make it active, or maybe just take out the "stepped on" entirely. Maybe you could say something like, "the raindrop becomes wet concrete" or "The wet concrete shows where the raindrop fell" or "a passerby steps on wet concrete, a raindrop mere seconds ago." It's your poem, so you get to decide how you change it or whethere you change it at all, but I think it could sound better if you reworded this part.)

When snow melts through my fingers,
the texture transforms from ice to liquid, (transforming from ice to liquid? I don't know, but for some reason I just don't like the way this line sounds. It's a bit awkward.)
back to a raindrop substance. (substance is kind of a bland word, see if you can find a better word, unless you have a reason for this word choice.)

Rain starts with a single raindrop.
That tiny raindrop can bring life to dead
crops. (I like the rain bringing life, but you didn't really mention this anywhere else in your poem. It seems weird to bring in the new "argument" if you will, of crops being brought to life and then ending this suddenly. It feels unfinished. I think you should add a bit more to this stanza about the crops, and then add another one as your conclusion. Don't be afraid to make your poem longer.)

I hope this doesn't sound harsh. I never know if I'm being nice or not when I review. Overall it was a good poem, like I said, I love rain. I think you should really work on this and then rewrite it or edit it and repost it and let me know when you've done that. I also didn't read any of the other reviews you got, so hopefully I didn't just repeat what they said.
Anyway, thanks for showing me this, keep writing!!

Hi there, Infinity.

I love rain, and I love poems, so this is right up my alley.

The first thing I noticed about your poem is that the first two stanzas overlap. In the first stanza, you say

and dissolves into the ground
as if it never existed.

The raindrop collides with the earth,
taking its silent dive.

Rain starts with a single raindrop.
That tiny raindrop can bring life to dead
crops.

Hellooooooooooooooooooooooo! It's me again! Here to review, as requested
This is a nice little piece. I sort of wrote a similar piece to this in my mind about snowflakes recently. I didn't get round to paperring it and doing all the complicated stuff of rhythm and rhyme though.
I really like everything you're saying in this poem. You've thoroughly explored the subject of the raindrop. I agree with all the stuff Rydia and Hannah have said though; it reads a little like prose, and you could have done more about the really interesting lines like the last one.
I think the opening verse:

A raindrop falls in an instant,
and dissolves into the ground
as if it never existed.

Is really good. It sort of captures the essence of your poem and sums it up. For this reason, it seems it would be more suited to being the end verse of your poem, after you've further explored all of the stuff about crops and it going into concrete and stuff. Your current last verse and last line, about the bring life to dead crops, sort of feels a bit unfinal. Like, we think 'oooh yes it does bring life to dead crops fascinating now tell us more about this please oh you've finished oh that feels a bit funny.' So, I would move the first verse to the end and then expand on all the croppy and concretey stuff.
One line that needs a bit of work: once a raindrop a mere seconds ago.

Either, make this line 'once a raindrop a mere second ago.' or make it 'once a raindrop mere seconds ago'.

This is another really nice piece from you. I am very impressed with your poetry writing abilities. I think I shall go follow you now...
Bravo! Hope I've helped a little! Keep up the good poetry work!

The one thing I'd like to mention about this poem, is that it's scraping the edges of something very philosophical. You want to capture that fleeting moment where you realize matter changes into something else, that the same substance that makes up most of YOUR OWN BODY can disappear so quickly into the world around us. It's lofty, intense, and worthy, absolutely. I am excited just thinking about it.

But limiting it to a raindrop and all the ideas rigidly associated with a raindrop is limiting your reach and effect. Like I said, a raindrop is made of water. It is in the human body, in waterfalls, in oceans, streams, eyeballs, pots cooking on the stove, snow on the top of a building, the deepest reaches of the oceans, in every living plant, in every living animal, in every breath of air! AH! WATER! And that instant change and fade you're speaking of in a raindrop could easily reach to any other water you want to mention. I mean, I'd stay away from oceans or flowing water, 'cause they naturally rejuvenate, but still bodies of water would work well to expand this work.

Also, along with expanding the imagery (which will serve as the anchor for your reader when you delve into the philosophy your mind is drawn to), you should think even further about what it MEANS to you that a raindrop can revive near-dead crops, that it disappears into concrete so easily. Beyond the facts, what emotion does this evoke in you? Evoke that same emotion in your reader so we can feel this part of your life, your brain with you.

Good luck with your rewrite. It should be fun!

PM me if you have any questions, and keep writing~

Very nice poetry you have here!

Hello infinity! Dogs here with your review. Ok interesting piece you got going on here, I like the idea of trying to define the life of such a seemingly simple object as a rain drop. You do need some work here because although the idea is great, you need some more aspects to support this style of poetry.

Ok firstly, if you are describing the life of a raindrop to be more than what everyone perceives it to be, you need to be incredibly descriptive and use lots of imagery. Something you lack here in your writing. I need to see the beauty of this one raindrop, making me care about it, describe its flight from being created in a cloud to spiraling to the earth and shattering into a puddle to join all its other raindrop family. You don't touch much on any of that.

As much as I like the last two stanzas I think you should cut them out and only focus on the trip the raindrop takes from the cloud to the ground and why we should care about that.

Great idea you have going on here, but just try to change the focus of it around a little. Let me know if you ever need another review. Keep up the good work!

TuckEr EllsworTh

Hello and welcome to YWS! I shall be your reviewer today because I say so; hope you're liking the site so far.

Specifics

1. Prose vs Poetry At the moment, if you took the line breaks out of this, it wouldn't read much different to prose. It's not that it's badly written, but there's so much more to poetry than line breaks! You've got some lovely imagery and I'm a fan of the rain so poetry about rain always gets some points from me. But! You need to use more poetry techniques and you need to fix your flow. poetry is a game with words and if you don't follow the rules, then you need to break them

Let's look at your first stanza:

A raindrop falls in an instant and dissolves into the ground as if it never existed. <<This is prose!

An instant raindrop melts like sugar cookies; non-existent << This is poetry. All the extra words are cut out and it plays with imagery and fragmentation. Now your turn!

2.

as it takes it's silent dive.

once a raindrop just a mere seconds ago.