Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,289 Literary Works • 672,524 Reviews
This is a short, dark, and funny poem and I like it. I love the wolf's personality, how he's very blunt and factual about the tale he has to tell. I don't understand why he's crying boy, though I find it funny how he thinks the kid's calling for him. It's an interesting perspective and I really like it.
Good job and I hope this review helps.
Happy Review Day! : )
-tgirly
Hi there.
The last line made me chuckle. Truth is the true master of comedy, and you capture that in that line.
That being said, there are some issues with this piece.
I don't think you should come right out and say it. Also, the boy cried wolf to warn the townspeople, but they didn't believe him the third time. So it would be more accurate to say, "I arrived at the third call."
The rhythm of the whole piece is a little shaky. Read it out loud to yourself to get rid of some of the awkwardness.
I don't really like the whole "wolf crying boy" thing (except in the title because it's a clever reversal of the tale you're going to tell). You explained below in a comment that the wolf would cry boy because of hunger, but I don't think that's really the best way to say that. It's strange, and makes me suspend my sense of reality too much.
I think that you could expand on this bit. Perhaps write in a bit of a chase scene or something. At least his reaction to the slavering wolf.
You have a good start. Now polish it and see where it goes. I hope this review was useful. Happy writing!
Hi there, Infinity! Sea here to review.
The comma at the end of line three should be a period.
There should be a comma in line two after "wolf." And I think "wolf" should be in quotation marks.
There should be a comma in line five after "bored."
First of all, a belated welcome to YWS! I hope you're enjoying yourself so far. C:
Okay. I think this poem has a lot of potential. I always enjoy stories an poems about well-known tales from different perspectives. I like that you didn't make the wolf a pity-party character.
Punctuation:
The rhythm of this poem was rather awkward and I got stuck many times, like trying to swim through one of those foam block pits instead of a pool of water. The first two lines are especially stilted. I might suggest cutting down on the clutter. For example, do we really need to know that the boy cried three times? Do you need to repeat "the boy" in line two instead of using "he?"
I like the brevity and simplicity of this poem, but I do think you could extend it just a little. Maybe just at the beginning to help that awkward first line.
Also, I'm confused as to why the wolf would cry "boy." The wolf eats him. He wasn't scared of the boy, so he wasn't calling for help. And I think he would want to eat the whole boy himself, so why would he want to notify others? Just a thought.
You have a really good start here. The last line was very nice. Just play with it a little. You might leave it alone for a couple of weeks and come back to it with fresh eyes.
Happy writing!
-Sea-
Why does a wolf cry boy? I will accept your answer in the form of a poem.
If the boy cried wolf three times, doesn't this counter the perception of "when the boy cried wolf many came to his aid"? I'm not saying you're wrong, but I would like you to clear this up a bit. I like where you're going with this piece, but I'm not sure you're actually there yet in the solidification of it. See, if many came to his aid, why would you have eaten him? If the boy cried out three times, this doesn't seem to give the impression people are helping him. I know what you mean with this short anecdote, but I ask these questions because others may not understand.
Just clear it up. Sharpen the image and you'll have yourself a good poem.
Thanks for the reviews, i'll probably edit and re-write it later. The wolf would cry boy, meaning he saw food, that he wanted to eat e.g. the boy but i'll clear it up seeing as it's confusing you, thanks again!