Down the rabbit hole, part 2

This is an intriguing little poem. Not necessarily a brilliant masterpiece but also nothing terrible.

So I'm going to break it down quickly.

The first thing I realized was the rhyme pattern (because that is something I always pick up mainly because rhyming patterns often annoy me).

The only lines you rhyme are the second and fourth and sixth and eighth. I like this. I have the tendency to hate anything which rhymes because I feel sometimes that writers put rhyming as a priority above meaning which should never be the case. And other times the rhyming can make things seem unnatural. Your poem though strikes a pretty good balance between rhyming and not rhyming. The rhymes seem natural and give it a hint of a very poetic and intriguing feel. In a way, it seems to have a hint of a nursery rhyme minus some of the rhyming.

Next I'm going to look at the structure. In my mind, due to the rhyme scheme I see this as two stanzas (not that they should be displayed that way) consisting of the first four lines and the last four lines. I enjoy the way in which you don't separate these stanzas. It keeps the poem flowing and maintains the idea which you continue in the first stanza rather than just starting a new one in the second stanza. Interestingly, every line in your poem consists of four syllables, that is, except for the second line which consists of five. Which leads me to a specific piece of diction: just. I don't understand the necessity of this word in your poem. It really doesn't seem to have any place other than, perhaps, to give a hint of cuteness. Now, here is the thing, if you want that nursery rhyme feel, I would get rid of the word "just" in order to get an even amount of syllables in each line. However, at the same time, the word "just" gets rid of that nursery rhyme feel and adds a little bit of weight on that first stanza which, depending on what you intend for the meaning and feel of the poem could be great. I think I personally like it just the way it is.

The last thing I want to point out is your use of punctuation and capitalization. I realize that in poetry one of the ways which poets rebel against the norm is by not capitalizing. Which, to me, is perfectly acceptable, I don't capitalize sometimes when I write poetry. But really what is bothering me is that period at the end of the fourth line. Its weighty. Its like a wall to me. The lack of a capital letter at the beginning of the next sentence really makes it stand out. And I think for this poem, you really want things to flow. So to make things flow better I would either capitalize the beginning of the next sentence (if you want to keep the period there) or you could just get rid of the period at the end of the fourth line which would make the poem grammatically incorrect (which doesn't matter because its a poem) but allow the poem to keep that nice flowing feeling from the first stanza to the second stanza. If I were you I would just delete the period, but its completely up to you what you do.

Keep writing! Hope you have a good review day!

I can't nitpick this.... Too good for nitpicks... Ok, this is hard to nitpick. Well, I could say something about the punctuation but someone below me already picked at it. Well, let's move on shall we?

I wouldn't say that this is a part two, per say. This is more like a new description of sorts. In the first part you are describing that she has gone mad and in this one, you are doing the same thing, just in a different sense. Anyhow I like it! I just realized that it rhymes. It has good rhyme and all of that jazz.

Keep writing!

~lost

Hey there, Rhia here to review!

I love writing that draws from popular tales, and I love Alice in Wonderland, so I really like this. It's nice and short, and has a really nice sound to it, with the beat and word choice. I like that it's nice and simple, yet very floaty and whimsical.

The only thing I don't like is your punctuation. The commas just feel very sporadic to me. I think that the poem itself is golden, but I suggest pulling out all the punctuation, reading the poem aloud, listening for the spots where a pause is needed, then add commas or periods there. I'll show you how I would do it, but I am in no way telling you that it's right, just my personal thought.

the little girl

just could not find sleep,

because her thoughts

were way too deep.

her mind had gone

out for a stroll,

and fallen down

the rabbit hole.

Otherwise, I really like this. Good job, keep writing!