Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Poetry » Lyrical


Eddy

by TinyDancer


She is a river flowing steadily
across the creek-bed floor
rediscovering lands lost.
 She Arabesques beneath regret,
Tour Jetes above scorned love
her silence silhouetted by the stage light sun.
In her current, words are not needed
because her music says enough.
She shimmers under morning light,
swaying, bending, swelling, falling
in movements that have no names.
She dances to notes we can’t hear.
 
Years have hardened her feet to callouses
but rivers move better along worn stones
and the best expression is born of lessons sorely learned.
Her surface is beauty, but pain lurks in the deep
and I catch glimpses of her kaleidoscope soul
within the reflection of Arabesque and Tour Jete
and every new creation of unnamed motion.
I am submerged in this tonic immobility—mesmerized—
knowing that I may never reach the source of her river.
And yet content to float endlessly in her current.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
813 Reviews


Points: 28451
Reviews: 813

Donate
Tue Feb 05, 2013 6:43 pm
View Likes
Morrigan wrote a review...



Hi there.

Wow, this is beautiful. I love how you connect the dancer with the river and keep the metaphor throughout. Lovely. Absolutely lovely.

There should be a comma after the second line.

because her music says enough

Compared to all of your other lines, this line is rather plain. It does tell us something about her, but at the same time, it's dragging this beautiful poem down a little. The previous line actually negates the need for this line, and I suggest you take it out completely.

She dances to notes we can’t hear.

This line feels a little tacked on. I don't think it really matters in this poem whether we can hear the music or not. It's about the dance, and the dancer, not about the music. If you'd like to get rid of this line, too, I definitely wouldn't put up a fight.

and I catch glimpses of her kaleidoscope soul

I love the idea of a kaleidoscope soul, but I think that you should try to make her soul more connected with the image of the water again. Kaleidoscopes don't really have much to do with water, and to keep a uniform image, I'd change it (but keep kaleidoscope soul for later; it's a good line, just not for this poem).

And yet content to float endlessly in her current.

I am not a big fan of ending with a sentence fragment. A full sentence will give the air of being finished. Try rewriting it as "And yet, I am content to float endlessly in her current." It will give it a more completed feeling.

Altogether, this is a really lovely poem with great images. I hope you found this review helpful. Happy poeting!




Random avatar

Points: 1061
Reviews: 15

Donate
Tue Feb 05, 2013 5:45 am
View Likes
pletta wrote a review...



I really like the rhythm here though I don't know if you were really focusing on that so if this isn't relative to where you want to go with this, please disregard.

"She is a river flowing steadily
across the creek-bed floor"

I really like this. Some might think adding floor after bed would be repetitive but I think it needs that extra syllable. Rivers flow so the words should as well. With that same thought in mind I would separate the next line into an entirely different stanza or at least separate it somehow.

"rediscovering lands lost."

I don't know how I feel about the word rediscovering (not that that really matters) or putting lands before lost. It seems like writers try to add some intrigue by hanging adjectives in the end when a simpler ordering would work (I'm sure I'm as guilty as any of this).

I would include "She Arabesques beneath regret" in this sentence.

I.e. "Rediscovering lands,
she Arabesques beneath regret,
Tour Jetes above scorned love" (I would put her silence on its own line and add a comma at the end of it)


"Years have hardened her feet to callouses
but rivers move better along worn stones
and the best expression is born of lessons sorely learned."

This . . . is spectacular.

"Her surface is beauty, but pain lurks in the deep
and I catch glimpses of her kaleidoscope soul
within the reflection of Arabesque and Tour Jete
and every new creation of unnamed motion."

I would get rid of Arabesque and Tour Jete here in the second stanza.

Maybe something like "... and I catch glimpses of her kaleidoscope soul
in every new creation and unnamed motion."

So I hope this helps ... or maybe helps with future ideas? But like I said, where I go with this could be completely different from what you had in mind. Regardless of all that I think it's a great piece of writing. :)




User avatar
693 Reviews


Points: 5383
Reviews: 693

Donate
Tue Feb 05, 2013 5:19 am
View Likes
Audy wrote a review...



Tinydancer!

It's good to see you again.

Let me just say, I love this. I love the concept of it, and the tone, and I love your diction in this piece and I love how there is a rhythm and a flow to these words, and still there is a narrative and a story to tell! This piece brings me right there in center stage with these two dancers, and I very much sense this whirlpool/ this eddie and how the speaker (and reader) sort of bask in it. I especially love the part about the calluses, my favorite part of the entire piece. :3 There's just so much expressed in this piece and it's truly been a delectable experience. Thank you for writing it!

Now all that's left is a little bit of trimming. So take your scissors out, look at every word, and see if you can't take it out. If the word absolutely refuses to be out of the poem, then you've found yourself a rock, it can stay. But if the word cries and whines and complains, then be A MAN! Cut the sissy out. We don't want sissy words here. For example, both stage light and sun both express light, and while I get that you're going for that blending metaphorical image of the natural creek/river and the stage, all of that is going to happen naturally in our minds. You don't need to tell us the sun is a stage light. We already know, if not then, then by the time we get to the end. Give your readers credit. Likewise, just little things like "catch glimpses" -- say glimpse. In that same line, kaleidoscope kind of ruins the flow for me/sticks out. It's the hard Kuh sound -- it's like you're bumping against rocks, rather than a word like "shining or spectacular or brilliant" even though they're not my favorite words to use, the words themselves emit the light, and they sound light.

It's a difficult line to cross, because in poetry, words have textures and they have colors and they have histories and meanings - and sometimes you put two words together that don't sound right or don't share the right texture and it's like a bad taste in the mouth, so watch out for those.

And then possibly some reshuffling of these lines are in order? This is a piece about dancing, so allow your words to dance on the page as well! Experiment with your line breaks and stanzas! Right now, this is like two big blocks of texts - it's so stiff, and it's stiff to read through as well. Even though your rhythm and tone is crisp and flows well - you want to facilitate that movement, not hinder it!

This poem is about eddies
so make your lines
flow into one
another
let your poem dance,
___let your poem sway
______let your poem move,
_________let this poem be ballet


Notice how the breaking of these lines actually help with the flow? Also, see how I'm playing not only with flow-y lines, but with sharp angles and bends. There's no limit with what you can do. Get creative and have fun with it! (also don't mind the underscores, apparently we can't indent/space up these reviews ;_;)

~ as always, Audy




User avatar
1220 Reviews


Points: 72525
Reviews: 1220

Donate
Tue Feb 05, 2013 4:45 am
View Likes
Kale wrote a review...



This poem flows beautifully which, considering the imagery and the subject, was perfect.

I do have one quibble though: your punctuation. While it's grammatically-correct for the most part (which is always nice to see~), it isn't quite consistent throughout this, especially within the first stanza. The offending (or, rather, inconsistently missing) piece of punctuation is the comma. You sometimes have a comma, but then you sometimes don't, and that's a bit confusing. Since the rest of this poem is properly punctuated, I'd recommend using commas all the time versus not using commas at all, for a bit more internal consistency.

Once case of missing commas is within the first three lines, and while it wasn't noticeable at first, by the time I'd finished the first stanza, I was wondering if there were going to be more missing commas.

She is a river flowing steadily
across the creek-bed floor(comma here)
rediscovering lands lost.

There is one other comma missing from this stanza, and while two missing commas doesn't really seem like much, this is a fairly short poem, and so any error is magnified proportionally based on length.

While the missing commas are by no means killing the poem overall (and the poem still flows without them), they are pretty significant oddities that distracted me ever so slightly from the poem itself, and the fewer distractions you have in any piece, the better.





It's a dramatic situation almost every time you answer the phone—if you answer the phone.
— Matthew Weiner