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Loss

by jolene15


When life brings you down and
you feel like you have nowhere to go,
and your looking back and seeing all the memories flowing through you mind.
Crying and sitting in a corner of a dark room whispering
and wishing things will become True.
All the sadness and disapointment we been through is turning into hate.
The joy and happiness we had well was that just a waste,
the pain and loss of the ones we had love is just a big mistake.
The faith we had inside of us should of never had ripped us apart.
The lies and the rumors that I have heard were true,
the sneaking around and not answering my calls well that was just rude.
The change you had made in me well thats working out great.
The way you said you cared and loved me that was the day regret.
For now alone and enjoying my life as the days turn into night.  


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Tue Feb 05, 2013 2:11 am
dogs wrote a review...



Howdy doo Jo, Dogs here with your review today. We got a lotta work to do so lets dive in shall we?

Ok firstly, this is not in a poetry format. This is just a block of text like a short story. You need to create stanzas and lines. A stanza is composed of several poetic lines that are broken up strategically to help create flow and rhythm. So the first couple lines should look like:

"When life brings you down
and you feel like you have no were to go,
and your looking back and seeing
all the memories flowing through your mind."

Something along those lines, building off of that that sentence is a huge run on and is still lacking a little poetic feel. So then describe what the memories look like when you're looking back, are they amorphous blobs of color or are they a trickling river of images? You need to clarify this for the reader so we can see what you are seeing. Your job as a writer is to create an image so strong for the reader that we see the picture you've painted with your words. You lack that excellent imagery you'll find in several poems. To help create that imagery you can use metaphors and similes. Those two are you greatest friends to being an amazing poet.

I'm not going to go into the large amount of grammar and spelling errors you use here, but if you're having problems with grammar and spelling I'd suggest you copy and paste your writing into a word document and use the spell/grammar check there. It'll help your writing a lot trust me.

So please let me know if you correct this piece into a more poem like format and I'd be more then happy to give you a review :). Keep up the good work!

TuckEr EllsworTh :smt032




jolene15 says...


I have fixed the words so they are in a stack form but I do not completely understand what you mean by
"You lack that excellent imagery you'll find in several poems. To help create that imagery you can use metaphors and similes. Those two are you greatest friends to being an amazing poet."
I get some what were your going but I just write for fun and to get my feelings out instead of talking to someone about what is going on in my life.



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Tue Feb 05, 2013 1:50 am
Cailey wrote a review...



Hey there! Okay, so I don't think my review will be as long as the other two that got here first. It probably won't be as indepth either. However, I wanted to review something and yours popped out.
At first the whole thing kind of through my off, and you have some mistakes and typos, but after reading the whole thing I decided I really like this.
I would have liked it better if it was broken up into lines and stanzas. Having a bunch of lines makes poetry easier to read, rather than just staring as a big scary paragraph. Plus, I think that poetry is artwork when it's spread out into different lines.
For the most part, you're piece had great rhythm. I could have sung this instead of just reading it, because it fit together so well and flowed so easily. There were even a few places that rhymed just enough to make me know that I was reading a poem.
I also liked the ideas and some of the lines, but I think you need to make it a little more clear just what you're writing about. What's the theme? What's your purpose? We know your motivation, your reason was tears and crying and sadness. But what are you going to say about tears? What is your main thing that you want us to know by reading your poem?
Anyway, hope this helps. Keep writing!!




jolene15 says...


Ya I have noticed I have made some mistakes and typos. Thanks for liking it. I have to yes explain more and when I figure out how I wanna do that I will fix it .



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Mon Feb 04, 2013 8:04 pm
Trident wrote a review...



Hi jolene15, a few thoughts here:

It feels as though you have some sort of beat poetry, or stream-of-consciousness goodness going on here. What's good about that type of poetry is it's wonderful flow of words and a mood that doesn't really care about the standards of others. It's inspirational because it takes all the good aspects of let's say a Baptist minister who stands up and just lets everything out, with everyone around saying "Amen!" as the points of truth are let out. I find it really interesting that you have "True" capitalized here in that sense.

Giving your poem a spine

I certainly don't mean this in the sense that it needs to be courageous. That is already evident. But what this poem needs is some form. Right now, with the layout it has, it is lifeless. Now poems can come in paragraph blocks, but I find that those poems are usually playing with form rather than ignoring it. Lines in poetry aren't always for show; they really do emphasize what needs to be emphasized and they create drama and suspense, even if it is only a little in some cases. I think your poem would be much improved if you formatted a little.

The Imageless

Words that convey big ideas can't be thrown about in poetry because they are big ideas that require a little bit of explanation. For example:

All the sadness and disapointment we been through is turning into hate.


Yikes, you have three really big ideas here that you don't give us anything to chew on. We would like to see some of this sadness, disappointment and hate before we can understand what is happening to you. In beat poetry, these lines are great, but good beat poets give us a story of some sort to explain why these feelings should be included.

Lastly I would just like to say that the topic seems a little personal to you, but you might want to reconsider this format. A relationship based on cheating and lying is not a good thing, surely, but a poem that brings in all of life's grand emotions for something like this seems rather petty. I feel most beat poetry tackles huge issues: race, poverty, child hunger, rape, homophobia, etc. It's a fine line, but with a form like this, I think your topic needs some sort of depth to it other than the boyfriend not answering his phone. It just lacks power.

Feel free to contact me if you'd like anything explained further.




jolene15 says...


You are to chew on all the pain and regret you feel the boyfriend/girlfriend is feeling after you tell him all the reasons you care and wish you were with him/her



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Mon Feb 04, 2013 7:37 pm
Rydia wrote a review...



Hello! I love me some poetry so how could I resist reviewing this? (Oh look I rhymed! Don't mind me, I am very easily amused today).

Specifics

1. What's that random capital in the middle of a sentence? I'm guessing you had some line breaks here and they've not come out in the pasting so you'll want to put those back in. As they're missing, I'll try not to comment on that area of form for the moment but if you do want advice later, drop me a pm and I'll be happy to help out!

2. Prose vs poetry. The line-breaks aside, I find a lot of your lines could benefit from a little extra flow. When you ask people what makes something poetry instead of prose, you'll get a whole heap of answers but the easiest way to put it is 'flow'. This is comprised of rhythm, it might be affected by rhyme. It might even be alliteration or imperative tone that's giving the poem its edge. I'm going to take your first line and try to show you what I mean!

When life brings you down and you feel like you have No were Nowhere to go


When life brings you down and you feel like you have
Nowhere to go << Prose!

When life is down and you are
Nowhere << Poetry!

Generic vs Specific

Okay so you're dealing with a tough theme here because honestly, any poem based on an emotion is a tough one and I salute you! But. You're aiming for something too generic. On the one hand that can be good because people are able to apply their own experience to the situation and relate to it, but come the end of the poem, there's no 'story' element and you've made them do all of the work. Meet them halfway! Give your reader a persona who stands out from the crowd and make them like them. Story and character are just as important in poetry, except we call them voice and content! So. You've got the 'not answering my calls' which could be true of any relationship. To make it more personal and unique to a single person, you could have 'you'd leave me hanging on the line at 1am' and then expand it with imagery.

The more alive you make the characters, the more sucked into your poem the narrator will be!

Overall

This isn't doing much at the moment. You've got a few good ideas, but I want to hear what these rumours were. I want to hear what it is the persona has been accused of and decide whether I believe they did it or not. I also want to see you play with words a little more. At the moment this is hard to distinguish from a piece of flash fiction as it doesn't make much use of imagery or alliteration. Try putting a few similes and metaphors in! That would really help to flesh this out.

Hopefully this will help you a little! Keep writing!

Heather xxx




jolene15 says...


I did not mean to put the random capital letter in the poem...but other then that I like that line the way it is. Shows its my work and no one else's oh and yours kinda confused me.




Cheat your landlord if you can and must, but do not try to shortchange the Muse. It cannot be done. You can’t fake quality any more than you can fake a good meal.
— William S. Burroughs