Well, my names not Alice,
but I know how she felt,
When her world started turning,
into something else.
Her curiosity led to insanity
when she discovered an
undiscovered world.
Was it a figment of her imagination,
or a place that's been
there since creation?
Alice was a dreamer,
someone out of touch with reality,
interlocked with fantasy
When she jumped,
she probably thought she could fly.
Landed in a world of surrealism,
where what you see
and what you hear is nothing
like what it seems.
Everything's got a moral if only you can find it
In future Alice, watch your step, there are way too many rabbit holes
you never know when you might fall in one
and enter a world of senseless madness.
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137,660 Literary Works • 672,057 Reviews
That was so good!! I adore the idea of Alice being too imaginative!
"In future Alice, watch your step, there are way
too many rabbit holes, you never
know when you might fall in one "
They are some of my favourite lines in this piece and I think, those with the most meaning to them.To me, they seem like you're telling people to be careful where you go in case you don't like it and/or find it totally surprising to you! Just what I think anyway.
Well, I am here to review. I think that some people missed some spots. Let me see...
Well, all the bolded parts are things that, in my opinion, could be fixed. This is a great poem. It really does define madness, even if it is based on the film Alice in Wonderland. I can't say much and I haven't read any of the other reviewers' reviews yet. Well, keep writing!
Spoiler
~lost
This is great!
I really enjoyed this piece- you paint Alice in a very original light.
Just watch out for spelling mistaakes such as "neverknow" at the end, there.
"Alice was a dreamer,
someone out of touch with reality,
interlocked with fantasy
When she jumped,
she probably thought she could fly."
^this was my favourite stanza, you paint Alice in a unique light, as someone who's not quite with it and who prefers to live in another world.
Great job
That is a cool poem!!!
I like it. I think some of the lines could flow a little smoother, but the idea behind it is good. I love Alice in Wonderland. I encourage you to try to write something longer, like a short story about this. It's hard to not copy the movie or book, but if you can find an original idea to make a whole story out of, I would gladly read it. As always, good luck to you and your writing.
Well..I might not point out mistakes or stuff similar to that cause others have done that..but I would say..it was refreshing.
What I loved about it is not only the simplicity, but also the comparison of reality like in the last set of lines, though something disturbed the flow.
Everything's got a moral if only you can find it --- it would work better without 'it'.
Though, at times, it seems like you rushed it or ended it too soon, you missed out many other elements of the tale, which could've been included. More work on it, it could be amazing...and much better.
Overall, I loved it, keep up the good work..
WOW
That was absoloutely amazing!! I love the idea of Alice being insane or too imaginative!
"In future Alice, watch your step, there are way
too many rabbit holes, you never
know when you might fall in one "
They are some of my favourite lines in this piece and I think, those with the most meaning to them.To me, they seem like you're telling people to be careful where you go in case you don't like it and/or find it totally surprising to you! Just what I think anyway.
However, I do think that some lines were a little too long to have made a really good rythm to it? Maybe if you just shortened them or adjusted them so that they were different, it would have been a really cool piece.
Hi there. Welcome to YWS!
I like your ideas here, and I'm glad I decided to read this poem. When I saw the title, I was a little leery; it's not original, and it makes me nervous when things aren't original.
Perhaps you could change the title to allude to something within Alice in Wonderland instead of using the title of the book itself. Something like "Down the Rabbit Hole" or "Cheshire Cat Grins." (those might not be very good examples, but you get the idea, right?)
Since this is poetry, you should organize your lines into stanzas of four instead of stanzas of two very long, unwieldy lines. Other reviewers have left their suggestions for this; I'll let you look at their advice. It's good advice.
This is my favorite bit. I like the word play and the internal rhyme. It's the jewel in your poem.
Honestly, the rest of your poem falls a little flat. It's very tell-y. We always want to show, and not tell. Especially in poetry. For example
Tell us specific examples of things being not what they seem. Lewis Carroll has already provided the images for you. You can reinvent them, and you should, however. Draw from his book, then make your own assumptions of what exists in Wonderland and put them in there, too. Don't tell us things aren't what they seem. Tell us of bread-and-butter-flies, mome raths, and jabberwockys. But also tell us of sneaky-snaky-slithering slonalonalons (that's my grandma's idea, don't use it, please. It's there for example). I want to know more about Wonderland from your poem.
Also, I feel like you need to focus more on your idea of going mad because of curiosity. It's a great idea, but you only talk about it in two stanzas. Flesh it out a little more (the cheshire cat could serve as an interesting idea working with yours. He's fairly mad, wouldn't you say? And he is a cat. Curiosity killed the cat. Could curiosity kill the cheshire cat?).
You have a good start, and a good feel for meter. Nice job and keep poeting!
Hello! I have some suggestions to make
First of all, I liked the first stanza of this poem; how it rhymed, how it flowed. But after that things started falling apart. After the first stanza, pretty much all of your rhyming is gone. Also, I think that the poem might flow better if it was formatted more of something like so:
---------------------------------
Well my names not Alice
but I know how she felt
When her world started turning
into something else.
Her curiosity led to insanity
when she discovered an undiscovered world
Was it a figment of her imagination
or a place that's been there since creation?
Alice was a dreamer,
someone out of touch with reality,
interlocked with fantasy
When she jumped,
she probably thought she could fly.
Landed in a world of surrealism,
where what you see and what you hear
is nothing like what it seems.
Everything's got a moral if only you can find it
In future, Alice, watch your step,
there are way too many rabbit holes,
you never know when you might fall in one
and enter a world of senseless madness.
-------------------------------
I think that when the poem is formatted more like above, It gives it better flow and the rhymes that you made come out. Although, I like the story and thought you put into this.
Keep it up!
~Rainn
Hello there Infinity! Dogs here with your review today. Firstly if I may say... that Alice and Wonderland is MY FAVVOORRRIITTEEE MOVIE! I also love the name Alice... =D So I am a huge fan of this topic right now. However there are a few things we might need to touch up on before this becomes a masterpiece.
Ok, I'm not a huge fan of the beginning but I certainly don't hate it. I think you could keep it as is and you'd be fine. I certainly think it could be improved greatly. My favorite line in your poem is actually "Curiosity led to insanity," I actually think that would be a marvelous starting line. "Curiosity leads to insanity," and then proceed into your writing.
On a separate note, your lines are far too long to create a smooth poetic feel. You should cut most of your lines in half so the beginning should probably look like:
"Well my name isn't Alice,
but I know how she felt
when her world started turning
into something else."
Now that right there is walking away from the more short story feel into the realm of poetry, where you'll find much comfort my friend.
I like the philosophy you introduce into the second stanza, but I think you should morph that thought, elaborate it into more that is the world reality? And everything else that doesn't fit into that social standard madness/ insanity? You could really play with that thought. Ok, so the third stanza you could keep or you could take out. I'd suggest you take out because it's just elaborating on the previous theme.
Landing in surrealism is a wonderful line and I really enjoy it. Again too long of separate lines, you'll need to break them up.
Ok for the last stanza you need to just nail the reader with some new awsome philosophy. I'd suggest you work your way into the fact that our world is actually insanity and madness. It may be logical and confined by conformity... but it's still sheer madness. I think that would be a killer topic you could put more writing into. All and all this is a good piece but in need to some touch ups. I think with some work this could be some of the best writing in YWS. I like the general idea, alrighty keep up the good work! And give me a message anytime if you want a review
TuckEr EllsworTh
Hey Infinity,
Welcome to YWS! I happen to love Lewis Carroll's Alice, so your title dragged me right in, if I may say, you chose an excellent subject
I do applaud your experimentation with sounds and rhyming. It's refreshing to see someone bending the "end-rhyme" rules, and I appreciated how you played with slant rhymes, like in the first stanza the felt/else - that in particular was my favorite aesthetic of this piece; also appreciated how you tried rhyming in the middle of lines and trying to jumble up a lot of these rhyming placements. I thought that was very "to the spirit" of Alice, so it's nice that you didn't stick to a hard-fast rule. The only thing that I would warn about though is not to let your rhyming take control of the poem. There were a few places such as:
The rhythm here is just too bogged down with words, and the whole poem is struggling with the weight of the words, which prevents this piece from reading more like poetry and keeps it more into the realm of prose. Poetry should be crisp, and it should be precise. Every word should carry its own weight. Consider this revision of that line:
"Was it her imagination or an undiscovered location?"
Likewise, this whole line can be cut out and it won't even make a dent to the poem as a whole, because there are some places, like the quoted section above, where you're just repeating things or summarizing things. This is what keeps this piece from being a poem inspired by Alice, and instead it's more like a musical summary of the broader themes of Alice.
Best of luck with your writing endeavors. Let me know if you need to chat this up sometime, or if you have any questions.
~ as always, Audy
Hi there, InfinityAndBeyond!
First off, I want to welcome you to YWS! I appreciate your comment on my poem, and I am here to return the favor.
I want to start by saying that I am glad I have came here to read this poem. Even though this doesn't rhyme, it flows beautifully. And when a writer can do that, that's when I dare to say they're a poet.
However, I want to talk to you about many things that I think will help you improve.
- Uniformity. I noticed you use punctuation in this poem, but it's not uniform. I'll make the first stanza as an example; you wrote:
The commas in red, you never wrote. I know this might sound picky, and lame. However, this things are very important, because the more professional you are, the more serious they will take you and your pieces. And you want that! Because you definitely have the talent to stand out!
- Appearance. If you take a look at your poem, you can probably notice that the length of your lines isn't consistent. Especially when you compare the fourth and the fifth stanza. This structure makes your poem seem a little bit messy! And we all know that it is not wise to judge a book by its cover, but that doesn't mean we're wise enough to decide to give that book a chance.
If I where you, I would convert the stanzas into quatrains; I would reorganized them in four lines. Click the spoiler if you want to see what I mean!
Spoiler
But I know how she felt,
When her world started turning
into something else.
Her curiosity led to insanity,
When she discovered an undiscovered world.
Was it a figment of her imagination?
Or, a place that's been there since creation?
Alice was a dreamer;
Someone out of touch with reality,
Interlocked with fantasy.
When she jumped, she probably thought she could fly.
Landed in a world of surrealism,
where what you see,
and what you hear,
is nothing like what it seems.
Everything's got a moral, if only you can find it.
In future, Alice, watch your step; there are way too many rabbit holes,
you never know when you might fall in one
and enter a world of senseless madness.
Thank you all for your reviews, they're very helpful and I'll take them into consideration