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Dust on the Wind

by BenFranks


Dust on the Wind

Speck wisps on the flick
Of the lady who carries the air;
She does not care of Time’s tick
And with the end she is par.

It’s the only way the Writer can heal:
He must let the lady visit today,
For she will take the speck and peel
Off all the worry; give it away.

Into the night it begins its flight,
The speck journeys off on lady’s hand;
It does not shimmer to any sight
And it shall never land.

But even when the speck has gone
The Writer will look out once more,
And into mere abyss he’ll adorn
The dust on lady’s paw.


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Sun Feb 03, 2013 4:12 pm
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kayfortnight wrote a review...



Hello, BenFranks! I'm kayfortnight, here to rescue your work from the green room. Overall, a very good poem!

Speck wisps on the flick
Of the lady who carries the air;
She does not care of Time’s tick
And with the end she is par.

The first sentence here is very confusing. Speck wisps on the flick? I have no idea what that is, can't visualize it, and it doesn't even make sense structurally. Did you just choose this so it'd rhyme with the later line? The second line is excellent, giving me wonderful imagery. The third line sounds strange because of the grammer. Did you mean she does not care about? I'm assuming that the par in the last sentence uses the definition equal and at the same level, but I can't see how it fits. I agree with dogs about how you need more imagery to really flesh it out.

It’s the only way the Writer can heal:
He must let the lady visit today,
For she will take the speck and peel
Off all the worry; give it away.

Alright. Again, this stanza confused me. Is the speck of dust the worry of the writer? Why is the lady the only one who can take it away? Why are wind and worry under the command of the same person? Why is the writer worried? You don't give us any hints to those questions anywhere in the poem, leaving it somewhat lacking.

Into the night it begins its flight,
The speck journeys off on lady’s hand;
It does not shimmer to any sight
And it shall never land.

All of this stanza made sense except for the third line. Shimmer is glittering and shining; it has absolutely no relation to movement without another verb. It can't be shimmering it's way somewhere. Or were you going for the impression that no matter who looked at it, it wouldn't shimmer? If so, make it more evident.

But even when the speck has gone
The Writer will look out once more,
And into mere abyss he’ll adorn
The dust on lady’s paw.
Adorn means to put on, commonly associated with clothing. Is he adorning the dust or adoring the dust? Paw instead of hand gives the impression of an indelicate hand, with short and stubby fingers. Other then that, I can't see anything wrong with this stanza.

Overall, interesting idea, but it seems like you gave up on it too quickly. The rhyme scheme sometimes strained your lines, as well. Maybe rework a few lines so it doesn't seem you're twisting them to fit the rhyme scheme?

I hope my review was helpful. Keep up the good work!




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Sun Feb 03, 2013 4:07 pm
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Lauren2010 wrote a review...



Hey there, Ben!

I quite like this poem! The rhythm is really excellent, and I found myself able to read it through without having to stop and readjust my internal reading pace (if that makes any sense xD). Rhythm and flow are incredibly important to poetry, in my mind, and breaking of those two things can really lose a reader. So nice job!

Having read over the poem a few times, though, I feel like I'm not quite grasping what's going on here. I'm tempted to think that the Lady and the Speck are metaphors for writerly inspiration? But that's me grasping at straws and trying to pull something together.

Really, I think my main problem is just that. I'm not sure exactly the writer's part in this poem, particularly in relation to the Lady and Speck. I think that just another line, or an adjusted line somewhere could shed enough light on the connection between the three that I'd be able to buy into the rest of the poem. I'm just not sure exactly what that line or adjustment would consist of.

The only other issues I had were a few odd lines, such as:

Speck wisps on the flick
Of the lady who carries the air;

The phrase "Speck wisps on the flick / of the lady" doesn't make any sense at all to me. Is wisps being used as a verb? What exactly does something look like when it's wisping? And it's doing so on the "flick of the lady"? What is that? Or is wisps combined with speck? Like the speck wisps are on the flick of the lady? Whatever it is, I'm obviously confused. xD

I actually can't place what other lines I had trouble with, other than maybe the "dust on lady's paw" which doesn't make much sense as it animalizes the lady who I had pictured to be some sort of ethereal human form.

Other than that, I think you have a great start to something here! Your pace and rhythm and everything is lovely, as I said, and just a few content/clarity issues remain to be sorted out.

Keep writing!

-Lauren-




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Sun Feb 03, 2013 3:40 pm
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dogs wrote a review...



Hello there Franks! Dogs here with your review today. Alrighty this is shaping up to be a good poem, it's a good start and I really do like the beginning of it. It's a great way to draw the readers interests in. I think your writing has good imagery and the rhyming most the time makes it flow well, however sometimes it makes the line seem forced.

Alrighty on to more important things! So in your first stanza I really like the scene your creating, although I would much rather to have a little more imagery, does she carry the air in a backpack? Does she glide on the air in silvery angel wings? I want to visualize the lady a little more, more so then just what she does. Furthermore in the last line of the first stanza you say: and with the end she is par." I certainly do not understand what your trying to say in this line... I looked up par and it said: (golf definition.. yada yada) and the value of stock or other security as distinct from its market value. Neither of those definitions really make any sense if you plug it into the line. Thats the first time where your rhyming attempts seem a little forced

Ok, nice transition with the second stanza, although I'm not a huge fan of the word "visit" in the 2nd line. I'd suggest looking it up in a thesaurus and add in a far more exciting word then just plain ol' visit.

Now, continually throughout the rest of the poem, yougo on about this "speck," but you never specify why it is important and how it effects the writer. The first time I read it i thought you should take it out, but when I continued reading it became more of an underlining theme. But I'm not sure why, these are questions you need to answer to solve confusion in the reader

I like the imagery of "peel off all the worry" that was a very nice touch. Although when you say: "Give it away" in the last line of that stanza, the rhyming is incredibly forced and throws off your wonderful rhythm.

Now your fourth stanza is wonderfully written... but I don't know what the purpose of the speck is. You might want to add in another stanza explaining that.

Same thing with the last stanza, very wonderfully written... but I don't really understand what the point your trying to make because the speck still remains so undefined. Answer these questions and you'll have a magnificent piece. Good use of the word "adorn" there also.

So all and all your off to a good start and I'm liking what I'm seeing. Fix some of those rhyming rhythm issues and expand upon the speck and you'll be golden. Give me a PM if you need another review or anything. Keep up the good work!

TuckEr EllsworTh :smt032





It takes as much imagination to create debt as to create income.
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