Untitled for now

by Soulkana

Published October 5, 2012

In Fantasy Novels

A breeze sweeps through the courtyard sending my body into shivers. The smell of soothing lavender fades to the smell of iron as blood blanketed the ground. Helplessly, I watch as my father lay dying by my hand, a hand manipulated by the man whose blade now presses against my back, right where my heart lays beating with horror.

"Well, how does it feel girl?" Lord Andrath sneers, pressing the blade harder against my skin and I flinch as I feel blood trickle down my back.

I open my mouth to respond. Nothing. I felt as if my mind had just stopped. My eyes are glued to the pool of blood that was growing larger by the second, staining the white and black skirt I had worn for the day. The dark shade of blood stands out against the white cement bricks that paved the yard wide path which led to a simple water fountains where birds often flocked to drink.

Again, I struggle to form words but a sudden rush of hatred consumed me, choking off my voice. The feeling of the darkness stirring inside pulses in sync with my heartbeat, breaking through the chains I and others had built around by the lies I had believed. I twist around to face my manipulator.

Completely ignorant of the blade which had just carved a thin slash across my side, I hiss, “You knew this entire time!”

Andrath grins at the fury that colored my face and voice. He takes a step forward to lean into my ear. “Naturally, the child is always stronger than their parents. Your usefulness has ended, girl.”

I flinch, but a sudden hoarse whisper causes me to turn to face my father, Lord Haedus.

“Keaira. Let me look at you one more time.” The barely audible plea breaks my heart.

It finally sank in as I lean over him to grasp his last words. He is dying. I could never make it up to him. There is no justification for what I had done and tears spill from eyes when he reaches up to stroke my cheek.

“You have your mother’s eyes. Such a beautiful shade of violet, but yours held a light and a power your mother could only dream of. My little dark one.” He warmly smiles.

Grasping tightly to his hands, I sob, “I’m so sorry.”  The only words I could bring out as I, at last, break down completely.

Even through my heart wrenching cries I could feel his breathing become shallow and finally stop. I look up when I hear the sound of metal hitting concrete. Resting beside him was a beautiful locket. It was made into a brilliant black rose with an intricate amethyst raven in the center. My true name, Keaira, was engraved in a silver liquid behind unbreakable glass. It looked like mercury as I bent forward to look closer. Numbly, I picked it up and placed it around my head. A soft gold glow lit the air around me before dissipating. Father had bound the necklace to my blood was my only realization.

Before I could stand up, a searing pain stabbed through my chest. I gasp in pain and the view of the angel statue just a few in front of my father’s corpse was the last thing I saw as my vision faded to black. Death at the hands of the manipulator who no one would dare fight against.

Comments & reviews · 4
User avatar
sandayselkie
Comment
sandayselkie commented Comment · May 19, 2014

I liked it. Keeps you interested. Keeps you curious. Definately interested in seeing more.

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veeren
Review
veeren wrote a review Review · Dec 30, 2012

Hey soulkana!
You definitely have an interesting story going here, the only things ruining it are a few grammatical errors.
But Alas! That's where I come in.

In the first paragraph, the last sentence should be split into two sentences, like this;

Spoiler
...dying by my hand. The hand being manipulated by...


Same with the second sentence in the second paragraph;

Spoiler
...pressing the blade harder against my skin. and I flinch as I start to feel blood trickle down my back.


Now this line was a bit confusing;

Spoiler
My eyes are glued to the pool of blood that was growing larger by the second...


You never mention where the puddle of blood is. You mention that blood was trickling down her back before, and I think it's be hard to see a pool of blood behind you.
You could fix this by trying to add a bit more description to your writing. It's sometimes better to take the time to explain things to the reader, to try and help them understand what you're saying.

But again, you've got a great story idea and it'd be great if you continued it.
Hopefully I was able to help you with my few corrections.
Keep on writing :D

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LayfonHowle
Review
LayfonHowle wrote a review Review · Dec 30, 2012

Very nice, good idea.
I agree with Tenyo, watch out for the tenses such as -

rush of hatred consumed me - Consumes*

Tragedy is always a great way to hook the reader, in my opinion, so, well done :) I'm curious as to her bloodline. Is she a noble, if so, what rank? Also, maybe give a few more hints about Andrath's looks or age, just so we can kind of picture him, since it seems we are doomed to hate him.

Tips i learned from my teachers -

Learn to love your Antagonist as well as your Protagonist, know them inside and out. give them a reason to hate each other, which usually clarifies itself throughout the story :)

Good Job, i look forward to more!-
Layfon Howle

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Tenyo
Review
Tenyo wrote a review Review · Dec 4, 2012

Hey Kana!

So, the title...
Always give your work a title, always. A title is a huge thing because it's the difference between someone browsing past your work and someone clicking on it. Labelling something as Untitled is like labelling it as I-don't-really-know-what-this-is-about-and-don't-value-it-enough-to-figure-it-out. Anything, and I mean *anything* is better than 'untitled.'

Tenses:
Watch out for them. I don't know if you tried to edit the tense to a different one or changed half way through without realising, but you start quite strongly routed in present tense, fluctuate and finish in past tense.

Imagination:
Brilliant. I love the little touches like the smell of lavender, the locket and the angel statue. It's those things that turn a straight forward narrative into a story that comes to life around you, so well done, keep that up.

More positives:
I love the pacing and tension of this. You spared no stray words in getting straight into the story, and I got a clear picture of the characters and narrator straight away just by their actions, which is a really difficult skill to get the hang of.

Overall:
I'd say you need to work on the basics. Getting your tenses right is primary school stuff. However, that's easy to get the hang of with a little studying. The harder part is the intricate stuff, you can't just study you have to get a sense of it and that's something you seem to be good at already. Just get the basics down and you'll be well on your way.



cats, actually.<3
— theromanticchemist