Day 6 (Midnight)
Determinism: it is a theory in both science and philosophy that all events in the universe are preplanned, only caused because of prior events. In other words, the future is an inevitable thing that will always happen no matter how hard you try to change it. It’s a bit of a depressing field of study, but in other ways, it makes sense. However, it fell out of fashion after time travel was scientifically proven to be possible. However, the world went into complete pandemonium before an actual working time machine could be created, and now with Yahweh as our holy protector, it is basically the de facto philosophical theory that everyone believes in.
Arriving home, I released a sigh of relief. It didn’t seem like they followed me all the way here. Entering my bedroom, my heartbeat returned to a steady pace as I changed into my pajamas. Too tired to wash myself up, I crashed into my bed and recounted all the events that happened today.
Gosh, I hope Auntie Lea’s doing fine. At least I have tomorrow–or technically today since it’s midnight, for me to actually say some goodbyes before being whisked off into paradise. I’m not sure if I’ll even survive tomorrow though since those demons are most likely gonna chase me. All I can do right now is… oh right, this necklace… they said something about it being a source of power.
Maybe I can do something with it to protect myself.
Day 6 (7:06 AM)
“Hey, wake up you lazy-poke! Lazy-face. Lazy-daisy. Lazy-”
“What’s your deal?” Esther said, finally opening the door after I knocked for like 5 minutes.
She greeted me with a half-awake face, swinging her forearm in a powerless motion as she gestured for me to come in.
“Khea… it’s 7 in the morning, the second day of the festival doesn’t start for at least another 2 hours…” she said, her hand covering half her face from the bright sun that was seeping in through the windows.
“Yeah, but you disappeared yesterday. Do you know how worried I was? I heard from some of our classmates that you were kidnapped! Were you?”
“...”
I stared at my friend in a worried look. I couldn’t tell what happened to her, but she suddenly seemed to remember something unpleasant.
“Hey,” we both said at the same time.
“Oh, you go ahead.”
“No, you say it first.”
“No- okay fine. Look Khea, I’m really sorry I couldn’t watch the fireworks with you yesterday. I had something come up. But that isn’t really important right now. I’m,” she paused to collect herself.
“I’m going to be one of the candidates today.”
“Oh my goodness, that’s great news! Why’d you hide it from me-” I stopped myself when I saw that she wasn’t wearing a positive expression.
“What’s wrong? Isn’t it good news?”
“Yeah, but I won’t be able to see any of you guys ever again… and, besides, there’s something fishy about this whole thing don’t you think?”
“... Do you want to take a walk? Go over to that place?” I suggested.
She looked up, her expression lightening slightly, “that’d be nice. Thanks.”
Day 6 (7:42 AM)
“Don’t you think these fields of flowers are just beautiful?” I said to Esther. She stayed silent, her eyes closed as she meditated on the fluffy grass.
This small hill in the town's corner was an area we discovered when we were little. Not a lot of people know that this place exists because it’s by the cemetery, allowing us to use it almost like our hideout. We used to come here whenever something upset us, and the other would immediately know where we were.
I joined Esther, lying my head next to the wildflowers and blades of leaves that gently cushioned me.
“Hey, is everything alright?” I asked.
“Not really. I can’t really say what, but everything’s not okay. I just really don’t want to leave this place.”
“Look girl, we all know how messed up this system is. We ain’t just saying it out loud so none of us gets into trouble. But, salvation is the only way out of this landfill of fake kindness and you earned that ticket. You should be happy!”
“Do you think I can sell it?” Esther jokes, somewhat returning to normal now.
“You crazy? I don’t think even Yahweh has enough coins to afford that.”
“Yeah, true. Anyways, I want to tell you something else.”
“What’s that?” I asked, repositioning myself on the grass bed to face her.
“There’s a worm crawling on your leg.”
“A what?”
Day 6 (11:51 AM)
After meeting with Khea, I was able to clear my head from all the chaos that happened yesterday. Her screaming for like 5 whole minutes at the top of her lungs from that worm definitely brought me back to my senses. Pfft. I can still laugh my butt off every time I think back to it.
Anyway, the second day of the festival has officially begun and in a bit, I was going to be going up the stage, standing in front of the whole town. As Khea and I were walking in to take a seat, I could hear Pastor Elijah calling for me.
“Oop, gotta go. See you in a bit, Khea.”
“Yeah, break a leg! Actually, break both of them since it won’t matter because you’ll be flying anyway.” Khea said, her voice becoming more distant.
“Hello Esther, how are you doing?” Pastor Elijah asked, his voice firm yet comforting.
We made our way to the back of the stage, where there were other candidates, just like me, waiting for the show to begin.
Day 6 (12:21 PM)
One by one, we got up to the stage, getting introduced by the host and standing in the middle of the spotlights. I was nervous, seeing all the townspeople gathered in front of me, judging my every movement. But that wasn’t the only thing that bothered me. The necklace I had with me seemed to be glowing, getting heavier again.
“Now, we shall have Yahweh decide for us who is truly worthy of going to heaven.” The host said. Then, a bunch of people wearing white robes came up, giving each one of us a goblet filled with some kind of red substance. It looked like wine but smelled like gas.
“Now, candidates of Yahweh, please lift your chalices over your head!”
As soon as all of us did, a thunderstorm began to gather, roaring with wrath. However, not a single drop of rain came down. Instead, lightning began to strike, frightening everyone. All the times they had candidates chosen before, they used to just see which torch the holy fire reacted to, but this year was different for some reason.
As soon as the thunderclouds cleared, a single chalice was lit up with blue flames. It was mine.
“Congratulations! Esther Kohen has been selected to be Yahweh’s next chosen one!”
Day 7 (???)
I woke up, my mind fuzzy and my head spinning. Events of what happened right before started flooding in. I… got chosen by Yahweh… then… Koimisou… That was the last word I heard before losing consciousness.
The room I was in had rusted metal bars, broken tiles, and grungy pieces of fabric all over. It smelled foul, making my spinning head nauseous. I tried to remember what happened before I ended up here but nothing was coming to mind. I decided that it would be better for me to try and figure out why I was here, and how to get out as fast as possible.
I started by scanning the room more closely, and seeing what tools there could be that I can use. I noticed that the walls didn’t go all the way up and that the vent shafts were wide open. If reading all those spy stories taught me anything, it’s that vents are basically navigable tunnel systems you can crawl in. I tied up a couple of pieces of the grungy fabrics up together, creating a rope-like object and tossed it to the shaft and… I missed. I probably should have remembered that I have zero physical talent.
I threw it up again and this time, the rope made it. But there was a pretty big miscalculation I made that should’ve been pretty obvious: there was nothing for the rope to grab on to… Miraculously though, when I tugged, the rope stayed, pretty firmly at that.
I climbed the makeshift rope to make it into the vent, discovering a fisherman’s hook lodged into one of the crevices of the vent. I had no idea what sort of miracle happened for it to be there, but now wasn’t the time to question that sort of stuff.
Day 7 (????)
After what felt like hours inside the tight vents, I began to feel a bit claustrophobic. There was something akin to a light at the end of the tunnel, so I headed towards it in a hopeful manner.
“Test #08295572 ready for experimentation, initiating on command.” A voice said, probably masculine.
I eventually reached the light, which was a ventilation shaft on the floor of the vent that allowed me to see through it and it was… a lab? There were sleek white tiles all over with multiple incubation chambers that had humanoid creatures inside them. Complex looking machinery with holographic displays had a lot of what seemed to be pretty confidential information. I had a hard time making the characters out but it seemed to be ancient Hebrew. I knew because I could recognize some words, of which, one particularly stood out to me: Shikri, which means “Lie, or falsehood.” There was a side of the wall with this text plastered over it in a gigantic font. It read: God is Dead. Keep it a Secret From the People. Keep the Lie Going.
What a messed up motto. I thought.
My neck started to strain from trying to peer through the crevices of the vents so I lifted my head up to stretch a bit, only for it to bang on the ceiling of the vent.
“What was that noise?” A voice said, this time, feminine. Shoot.
Suddenly, the entire lab was flashing in red lights.
“Alert, we have a Code: FFBF00. I repeat, Code: FFBF00; intruder alert.”
Day 7 (?????)
I didn’t know what to do, and all of a sudden, the vent shaft opened wide, causing me to fall a great amount.
I tried to stand back up, my feet and bones in immense pain from the fall, but before I could do anything, guards in military gear came up and grabbed me by the wrists.
“Intruder captured. I repeat, intruder captured. Awaiting further instructions on how to deal with the situation.” One of the guards said to a walkie-talkie on his vest.
“What do you mean intruder? I woke up in this darn building!” I protested.
“We will hear what you need to say after this situation is taken care of.” He said, shoving me in the back, forcing me to walk along.
Day 7 (??????)
They led me into a cell, which was similar to albeit, cleaner than the one I woke up in. They locked the door and ordered me to stay there. This time, there wasn’t anything that I could use to escape. Not that a fisherman’s hook would again be lodged in the vent’s crevices again.
Day 7 (???????)
After staying silently in the cell for what felt like an eternity, someone came up to me, wearing a priest’s coat.
“Who… Who are you?” I asked.
“I’m a messenger of God. Pleased to meet you, Esther. What a good girl you’ve been.” He said, in a gentle and comforting voice. “I’m here to finish God’s will of you entering his great paradise.”
“So… I’m really going to heaven?”
“... Yes.” He said with a gentle smile. He offered his hand to me, and I took it.
“Now, there were some… complications… with what happened just now. Terribly sorry for what you had to go through. Now, please follow me,” he continued.
I followed him obediently, making my way through this huge labyrinth of a place. This place seemed more scientific than theological though.
Passing through hallways of doors, I made it to the same lab that I was hiding in the vents at. Upon closer look at the incubation chambers, they seemed to be angels, with their wings and such.
“Father… what are those?” I asked.
“Oh, they are… archangels, mere failures I’d say. At least compared to you.”
“What?”
“Nothing. Just follow me, my dear,” He gently said, glossing over what he just said. As I tried to keep up, my body ached more, probably from the fall earlier.
Day 7 (The Lab of Fabrications)
“We’re here now, Esther. Isn’t it magnificent?” The priest said, looking up at a really big statue of… something.
“Now, Esther, since you were such a good girl, I think this is the perfect ending for you.”
Suddenly, the guards who were escorting us grabbed me, again, and shoved me into a chamber similar to the ones the archangels were in.
“You see Esther, humans truly are magnificent creatures. But we fall short in some aspects. For example, why are we so corruptible? So easily influenced? We are here to change that. We humans were made from the image of God. Who’s to say we can’t make a God in the image of us humans? He’s dead anyways, we humans might as well take over that role.” The priest continued.
Honestly, I could only understand half of what he was saying because of my bones screaming at me like mountain goats but it seemed like a pretty big deal. One thing did worry me though,
“Am I going to die?” I asked.
“Isn’t that a given? But you aren’t merely dying. You will be reborn! Unlike those lower archangels, you had a very high point on the ethicallibrator. You have the potential to be a seraphim, the highest order of the nine angels. And with a bit more time, not only this world, but the celestial world, and the underworld too will be ruled by-”
All of a sudden, there was a giant explosion in the walls, the lights were flashing red again, and a unihorned silhouette could be seen inside the dust cloud. My necklace felt lighter.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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67
Im gonna report you
NAURRRRRRRR IM SICK HAVE PITY
Sorry- I tried to ignore it for so long but I gave in-
Hello there, human! I'm reviewing using the YWS S'more Method today!
Shalt we commence with the scary S’more?
Top Graham Cracker - Esther and Khea spend one last moment together, Esther is chosen, but she wakes up in a scientific lab where they kill people and turn them into “archangels” but since God is dead, it seems that they are not angels in the way God’s angels are and it seems also that everything the people in Eden have lived for, is all a lie.
Slightly Burnt Marshmallow - I have no recommendations to make as of right now, but if you would like to edit this, then you may!
Chocolate Bar - I want to start off by saying that the cover is absolutely gorgeous. It’s more beautiful than any of your covers and honestly, it makes me feel super emotional…but onto the serious part. I liked how it was more scientific and cold and that there were archangels in tubes. It definitely does feel like God is dead with these descriptions. I also like that the necklace felt lighter when Yen came in, as though things were becoming right.
Closing Graham Cracker - Overall, a great chapter on just how great the lies were! Esther is lucky to be saved by Yen, but I’m not sure he’ll be happier with her, either. It seems that now she’s escaped, those who worked in the facility will come for her and try to make her a Seraphim, but hey, she’ll be with Yen and Shi, at least. Anyway…
I wish you a gorgeous day/night! :>
Hey there! Plume here, with a review! I see your work has been in the green room for a bit, so I figured I'd review it to bump it out! (I went back and skimmed the parts before this one so I'd have a better idea coming into this one, but if I missed anything and ask about it, forgive me!)
One thing I really enjoy about these parts is how you start them all with an exploration of a concept; I think that's a neat way to set the scene! In some ways, it feels a bit like a TV show episode intro (in a good way! it's great to hook readers in).
For this part specifically, I enjoyed how we got more into plot! I loved the way you described the ceremony--- it was quite dramatic! Even more interesting was how you followed it up; I'm really liking the shifting alliances throughout. It seems like perhaps the demons who kidnapped Esther aren't as bad as we thought they were? At the very least, she's at least not stuck with the creepy priest anymore, so I'd call that an improvement.
I would say, though, that for me, the pacing seems to be moving quite fast. Agreeing with the other reviews that I would love love love to read a version that's more drawn out; you've got a super interesting plot and I feel like I can't appreciate it to its full extent because everything happens so fast!
Also, a small nitpick; it was a bit jarring to switch between the POVs without super clear indication. I think maybe keeping them separate by chapter or attaching names to the different sections could be helpful! Or, honestly, keeping it just in Esther's POV. I feel like the scenes told from Khea's perspective would have been just as impactful if they'd been from Esther's instead.
Specifics
I quite enjoy all the little bits of humor you incorporate into your narration! This line in particular introduces a fun bit of dramatic irony.
Overall: nice work! I'm not normally one for dystopian fiction, but I found myself very immersed in the world you created! I hope to read more from you soon; until next time!
Hey there, Toast - happy Viral Review Day! Saw this work in the Green Room and had to stop by, though do keep in mind that these are the first parts of the novel I'm reading, so some of my feedback may be unhelpful without that extra context!
Stellar start to setting the tone of the chapter!
At first I was certain the narrator (Khea?) had fallen asleep and was awoken at 7:06 by the knocking, but now I'm realizing we've cut to a point in the morning where the narrator has gone to wake someone else up. When switching scenes like this, I'd recommend grounding the reader a bit first with a brief description of the scene (even if it's super simple and brief) before there's any dialogue, and when the dialogue starts, be clear with who's speaking.
Now I'm thinking Esther might've been the narrator from the first part after all? I definitely know things went down the previous day!
Second mention of Yahweh in this chapter so far, which I know is a name for God - I'm really curious if it has the same meaning in this world!
Okay yeah we're definitely switching POVs. Is there a reason why it's done seemingly randomly and without much clarity? So far it's been Esther, Khea, Khea, Esther, I think. Why not have each of their names next to the section titles?
Lol!!
This is obviously a huge moment! I'd love to see a more fleshed out description of the scene. Let's dwell in this moment a bit longer.
Another instance where the pacing is much too quick! I'd love to know Esther's reaction when the clouds first start to gather, and experience her confusion when the robed people bring goblets instead of the expected torches. Help us feel the suspense!
Heheh. Love the little moments of humor in this narration.
The time in the room with the rusted metal bars (a cell?) could also definitely be drawn out more. I'd like to know how Esther is thinking in this moment and what compels her to immediately try to escape rather than wait around or call for help or something. It feels like she completely expected to wake up there, and immediately went into escape mode, despite feeling nauseous and dizzy.
Ooof, creepy!
Cool! I'm remembering now seeing Hebrew in your art before.
Total digital artist move to use the hex code here instead of just the color heheh
Creeeeepy! So what I'm thinking at this point is that this is a dystopian society where subjects are tested on and essentially killed, but brainwashed all their lives into thinking that they'll be getting wings and going to heaven.
Ooo! So they actually attach wings to these people? I'd love to see more vibrant descriptions of this, even if it was just a glimpse!
YIKES!!! Dude, this is some epic worldbuilding here. I looove it.
Of all the chapters I could've started with, so much happened with this one and I am hooked! I got the whole villain monologue and everything! I'm really curious if by the end of this novel we'll learn that God/Yaweh is indeed not dead, and Good still reigns, or if all is lost and people in power have just been using religion to control people. Super interesting either way!
The mention of the "ethicallibrator" stood out to me too - guessing it's a machine that gauges someone's morality, and Esther scored high. So if these people in power still value inherent goodness, I'm curious why they're not practicing it themselves, or why these seraphim that they still believe in put up with the evil leadership at all. Does this lab maintain control over them somehow? Whichever way you're taking this, I'm super intrigued and impressed!
Like I mentioned a couple times in the review, I think the main thing this chapter needs help with is pacing. SO MUCH happened in very few words, and they were very important plot points, too. I'd love to see a version of this drawn out with some layers of delicious, eerie suspense!
Great work, Toast!! <3
Wolfi
Aw, im so glad that you reviewed it (and so sorry you chose the one chapter that was basically one bug exposition dump)
I definitely agree that i rushed the pacing a bit in the end, but that was largely because i just wanted to get %u201Cpart 1%u201D over with so i can draft part 2. I will be revising this some time soon and ill definitely put your points to consideration as even as a first time reader, you have a fresh pov that other people wont have. Happy VRD!
What a fascinating fusion of fantasy and philosophy you've created! It's incredibly thought-provoking how you explore determinism while tying it into a story about time travel and the spiritual ramifications of obeying Yahweh. Khea and Esther's chats show how uneasy and afraid people are to accept change, even when it seems positive. Additionally, the cemetery's usage of a covert hiding place is such a moving touch—it deepens their bond and emphasizes the significance of their experiences. I'm eager to see how the necklace functions and if it provides Khea with the security she desires. Continue your amazing effort!
https://www.youngwriterssociety.com/work/ToastK/Fabricationgeometry dash-Shikri--Day-6-amp-7-159647