I carved your name
On the bullet
So you know
You were the last thing to go through my head.
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137,690 Literary Works • 672,059 Reviews
How did you think up such a terrifyingly beautiful poem? How much pain could one have been in to go through with this? I ask myself these questions, and though I may not yet know the answers, I can't begin to let you know how formidable this poem is. I mean, seriously. You're just about my age and writing mind-boggling pieces of art. Like, can you pass on the inspiration and talent??
You have mad skill.
way to go!!
awesomeeee
Your setup of the poem is perfect with four lines containing only 20 words. Well let me tell you, those 20 words sure did make a difference to not only me, but others as well after you posted it on here. I've got to read more work by you.
I'm only on 5% battery so I have to make this quick. This is awesome. This is amazing. You should be featured for this so everyone can see your work, these few 20 words. If we ever had a writing challenge to write an amazing story in 20 words even, you'd win first place right off the bat.
XD I'm glad I'm following you. Because you are an extraordinary writer and hint hint you should pass out some of that extra skill to those who could use it.
Your new found friend/mind-boggled,
~Freak
Hello there! I must say, short poems that hit hard are my favorite. This is going to be a shorter review. To start, the use of the pronoun 'the' in the second line gives the bullet the significance it deserves. The flow in this brief work is nice with the three even lines and long last one. The only thing I would suggest would to start the last three lines with lowercase letters and to maybe place a comma after 'bullet' on the second line and 'know' on the next line to give it better timing when read. That would probably make the last line hit a little harder as well. But it's your style of course, so do what makes you pleased with your work. My favorite part of this poem, and all short and strong poems really, is that it tells a story, even if it's not necessarily a specific one. It leaves my mind to wonder and create my own theories. My philosophy is that art is all subjective, but successful art makes you think, feel, or remember. You have created a very successful piece of art in my eyes. I can't wait to read more from you!
-thecolorofthesky
Thank you so much!!!!!
Bruhhhhhhh....... really though. This is deep. You sure you're fifteen? I wish I could pack a punch in such a limited amount of words. There's so much pain, so much determination, just... so MUCH. I don't know your inspiration or how you acquire your creativity, but dang... I admire you. I really really do.
Lol omg thank you so much!!!
This is very sad, but it was well written.
In those four lines you expressed so many people.
"I carved your name
On the bullet
So you know
You were the last thing to go through my head."
The last line had me kinda made me think.
This poem can relate to so many people.
Anyway keep writing!!!
I've been this low, of course never gone through, but you clearly packed the feelings into such a short poem. Like those below, I think you should make it a bit longer, perhaps the emphasis of feeling towards whomever made the person go to such length to want to blow their brains out. Don't get me wrong, it's very strong here, but what exactly did the person do? A bad break up? Ruining their name? Deep embarrassment?
However, taking that path just might ruin the fact that anyone can relate to this who has been deeply depressed and has someone to blame. So I think this works very well as a sort of anonymous poem. Fill in the blanks really.
I just want to ask, what was your motive for creating this?
I kind of want to leave it anonymous so it can meld for the reader.
And I don't actually remember why I thought this up, I just know that it was 3AM, I was reading fanfiction, and I had drank lots of coke that day
I love it! ITt's so dramatic!
Wow.
Okay WOW!!
Soo many feels packed into just four lines. FOUR LINES!!!
This is amazing. The breaks after each line are very effective. This is as perfect as it gets.
Just one leeetle suggestion.
In the last line, split it after "go".
so that it reads:
"You were the last thing to go
Through my head. "
It further increases the impact of those last three words.
Once again. WOW!!
*Bookmarks page*
That is sad, but I enjoyed it as the sentences are simple, short and very effective.
In the future though you could make it a little bit longer so there is some more detail.
Other than that I liked your poem and I think you did a great job.
Keep up the good work!
Thanks!
D;
Nooo
that's so sad oh my gosh.
You really kicked this one in the brains. It was so short and simple and effective.
I love the last line. It was almost funny in a disparaging way.
But seriously this was so tragic.
Spoiler
Okay, so this needs to be reviewed. I'll do my best.
First line:
I like how vague it is about the name. We don't know the name, and that's good, because all the readers can draw different conclusions. Also, as we know from lots of books and writings, names are important. They have power. I think you expressed this idea well.
The action of writing a name seems so simple, but there's so much meaning behind it. I write my own name countless times ever day. But writing other people's names is something a little different. Other people's names are intimate, and writing them always has a significance.
Second line:
I'm curious on how this person actually wrote it on the bullet. Did they carve it? Write it with pencil? How would that stay visible on the erm... trip? These things are not needed in the poem, and would only clutter it up, but maybe you got a good idea from that. Again, you put in just what needed to be there to make it effective.
Third line:
In a poem as short as this, line breaks have an extreme impact. I don't really see the significance in the third line (other than the fact you need it there for clarity). Why should it get its own line?
Maybe the better question is "where would you combine it with another line?" And that answer is I don't know, so maybe its good its all alone.
You do what you want. But you can't say its for conformity because that last line is super long.
Fourth line:
This is the kicker. I think its good it was actually a lot longer than the other lines, because before it was going at a slow, careful pace (like raising the gun to your head), and now, it rushes (like pulling the trigger), going all too fast. That is perfect for the tone of the poem.
The words you chose here were perfect, showing the dark, dark humor that is too sad to laugh at. great work there.
I really enjoyed this!
Keep writing!
~fortis
I changed it to "carved" instead of wrote, and I'm not sure where to put the 3rd line.
But thanks!
DEEP