I love
The layer of
Salt
On my skin
I love
The grains of
Sand
That cover my toes
I love
The beads of
Water
That drip from my hair
I love
The feeling of
Sun
On my body
I love
Today
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139,524 Literary Works • 672,599 Reviews
Hello CapitalMonday here to review. I will begin by saying that i lived by the beach my whole life and how i feel you on what you mean. I used to love to put my feet in the sand and look back onto the waves, ignoring the world around me.
Here are some things that need to be changed or improved:
i think instead of capitalizing every first word in the beginning, try doing something like this (I love
the feeling of
Sun
on my body
since it is a little too hard to read and I got confused there.
I love Today I think you should not capitalize -Today, since Today seems like a plural noun when really it is a singular noun,
The style of this poem is a little hard to read since it is not in stanzas, like most poems are. If you change it, it would be more easier to read.
On the plus side of things, i did enjoy the use of the five scenery objects we have.
That's a rap and continue writing,
CapitalMonday
Hidy ho neighbourino! Just popped in to sprinkle a little analytical fairy dust over this here poem. Sorry, I haven't been on here in a while so I appear to be brimming with colloquial enthusiasm. Anywho I'll stop blathering and get into it.
I agree with the others here in that the main positive attribute to this work is clearly its simplistic nature. It's not trying to be something its not with detached seldom used, but ''fancy sounding'' vernacular. Its simply, what it is. I dont know if this was intentional or not, but when flipped on its side the poem appears to take on the physical shape of a wave.. If this was intentional, thats pretty dope.
very Philip Larkin-esque of you. I like the unusual short lines. it works for a poem of this length. If it were any longer I would be recommending stanzas.
The only little thing I would add here to give it a little oomph would be the use of punctuation. A few commas here and there, The semicolon would even be appropriate in places - This would add emphasis without changing the simplicity. Perhaps even ending on a full stop would wrap up the last line with a little more strength.
Anyway, I hope my ramblings were of some use to you!
Keep on writing,
Booshian.
That was kind of intentional. And I'll try to oomph it up a bit too. Thanks!
Well it was very cool! a technique that is seldom used but very impressive. No problemo!
I'm a big fan of simple poetry...not too complicated, nothing too crazy. It really captures the beach in a very simple, childish essence. I love the beach as well and I can tell you that everything you love about the beach, is absolutely why I love it as well. I would have also written something about the sunset at the end of the night and the feelings of the ocean but that's just me...the poem is great the way it is!
Cool poem!
It's simplistic, and it gets the message across without being wordy. And you kinda captured the feel of the beach -- like when you're there, everything just seems so simple and wonderful, and I got that feeling in your poem. Anyone who's been to the beach and has just sat there, taking it all in, knows what that feels like.
You don't have hardly any adjs, and I like that here, because your verbs and nouns are strong enough to stand by themselves and speak for themselves.
You were very consistent with the way you arranged the structure for your poem. Good job!!
Thanks!
5 minutes ago my mom told me we were going to the beach and I groaned and begged not to go. I think the difference is clear.
Omg you changed your name
Yes, yes I did.
I love how, when you wrote this poem, you have a nice tone. It's not really telling a story but more so, just saying. It's very blunt and to the point. I like how you have each noun (or thing you love, however you want to say it) on a separate line. It makes the rhythm bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-BUM (the capital bum is the noun (thing you like thingy)). If they were all on the same line it would be more bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum. As you can probably tell, that is much more boring. I like the description you have as well. "beads of water" etcetera.
Thank you!
This poetic style is new to me. But I kind of like it.
I almost feel as if you're saying it to me, and trying to describe the experience you're having without being too complex.
It reminds me of something a beginning poet would create. Yet, it is still blissfully and simplistically charming to the heart of one that seeks a feeling like this. One that seeks beauty. Seeks peace. Seeks love...
Good luck to you.
Thanks!