I. I count
1 . . . 2 . . . 3 . . .
I glide back and forth slowly
I'll skip numbers
I'll say numbers twice
II. It starts
My leg tingles
My knee caps glow with heat
Everything gets warm
I still count
III. I stop counting
I'm drifting off to sleep
. . . 762
Everything tingles
Everything is dark
IV. I am asleep
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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139,786 Literary Works • 672,767 Reviews
I really wish it was this easy for me to go to sleep. As for a review, I think the only thing I would add are maybe some more feeling words.For example, in the first part where you say,
"1, 2, 3 . . ." Here I would write it like this, "1 . . . 2 . . . 3 . . ." It changes the flow to slow it down and make people feel like you are actually falling asleep rather than it feeling rushed.
"I glide back and forth slowly" I don't understand what you are referencing here. Adding a little more description would help a great deal
"I'll skip numbers, I'll say numbers twice" For this I would write it similar to, "I skip numbers, say them twice, all in the hopes sleep will take"
The above are all just suggestions and examples of what I am referencing in my review. I think that your piece would benefit from some changes like I suggested.
This along with the fact that the flow is a little confusing. I get the Roman Numerals are parts but I don't understand what they mean or why they are separating the poem into parts.
That's basically the issues I see with it. I think that you have a great start here and it's a wonderful way to think of just getting to sleep. One thing to keep in mind though is evoking feeling. It is one of the major issues that a lot of people miss. The purpose of literature is to try and get people to feel and see what you are explaining and when they don't get that feeling across, the piece of work doesn't mean as much to the reader as it should. I am not trying to be rude or critical. This is one of the main things that I bring up in my reviews because it gets missed a lot. I think that you are doing an excellent job, other than the minor things I pointed out I think that what you have here is very well written. Good job and keep up the good work.
Okay, the reason I use the roman numerals is to show the different phases before I go to sleep. Thanks!
Okay, I see where you were getting at, and your welcome. I hope it came off more helpful than rude.
Yeah, it did. Thanks again!
Sorry, I would review this, but I suck at reviewing poetry. I've sort of decided that giving people crappy and unhelpful reviews is a bad idea, unless it's a poem that I know a lot about. Though I do know quite a bit about sleep, it's the sciencey stuff, which isn't what you wrote about. Sorry again!
You. Write. POETRY?! *dies*
I was annoyed that I couldn't go to sleep, so yes, just this once.
HAHA REMEMBER THE TIME YOU SAID JUST THIS ONCE HAHA
Go away. Make me a sandwich wife
Wow. Sexist (even though you're a girl).
Hey
First of all great poem ( I also like the name lol) the poem has great flow. Its a great poem don't listen to people who says your poem isn't right but to me it made a lot of sense. It great but you may need to fit up one or two lines in the poem. Or have a break between the words so the reader is able to breath. But other than that its great keep it up.
Oh thanks!
Woah okay I didn't say it wasn't right I'm trying to help make it clearer..
Hey there! Purple here to give a (slight) review! Let's get down to business.
I'm sorry but this made almost zero sense to me
The first stanza was building the suspension and I thought you would expand upon the significance of the number 762 but you didn't and it's confusing what you mean in this. By the last line it started to occur to me that you possibly are talking about the moment before killing yourself, is this true? If so, then what is the 762 for???
~(a confused) Purple
It's about going to sleep. The number 762 is usually the last number I count before I go to sleep, it's got nothing to do with suicide.
Sorry I misinterpreted that. Then you could show how you need to count to that number and show the need more than the actual counting.
I added in a new line, do you think it helps?
More than before yes
Great, thanks!