when

King here

Hello there! It is late at night here so I am better at focusing my attention to shorter works and be able to actually process, helping people to edit them or to just double check their writing.
I noticed something very unusual in your work which is the use of the question marks mostly all the time, by that, I mean 80%. And it is even more noticable because this work is one of the shorter ones here. I would totally understand if you try to say everything like it is a question but it is not solid and sounds like a statement, not like a real question. Using the question mark or any other kind of a mark in your works just looks really unattractive for the reader and does not catch their eye. The questions marks starts to lose their meaning because they are used instead of fullstop which needs to be on their right places, just finishing the sentences.

I kind of like the numbering that you have used to seperate the parts of your work. I do not know if every single reader would love it but I find it kind of interesting even if the parts are small.

I think that you need to use the question marks still but not in each possible sentence, there is no problem in having questions in your work. It depends on how you actually use them.

I only have one correction. For the questions, I really can not correct it because I might change the meaning of the sentences. You do not need to agree with me 100%.



Do you remember when you would come home from work, smiling,

Hello.

Obviously very emotional and bitter poetry, and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. Poetry is fantastic catharsis, and I use it extensively myself.

My biggest thing here is you exclusively use questions as a rhetorical device, without expanding upon them. It makes the poem extraordinarily personal to a point it's not really readable by other people. That's fine for vent poetry, but if this is meant to be readable for others, the lack of context really hampers understanding.

There's also how constant uses of questions turns the poem one note, because the benefits of using questions— drawing readers in, really highlighting the things you want to say— start to not be present. When everything uses the same literary technique, then the literary technique is effectively pointless.

I feel like the questions themselves are decent to ask, and they do convey exactly what you're feeling, but they need a few breaks between them to improve the punch each individual question has. Without those breaks, you end up with a poem that feels like it fits better in a diary. I'm giving you this advice with the assumption you want to improve future bitter break up poems, but if that isn't what you're looking for, feel free to disregard this.

So the emotion is good. The execution could use some breathing room to build up a narrative so we can feel just as bitter, too.

Hope this helps! Let me know if you have any questions or comments.

~Rosey

This piece is really good i like it a lot.

Hi, this is JackdawRC here for a review!
The poem as a whole gives me the general feeling of loneliness. I'm not sure if that's what you were trying to achieve, but the feeling was there, despite so few sentences. I like how you split the poem into three stanzas, each featuring a different time, but maybe if the poem were slightly longer, and you put a few more words into each stanza, the reader would have more time to really absorb the meaning of your poem and the twist at the end. (When I got to the third stanza, I thought the poem was about an elderly person's recollection of their past with their spouse) The first line of the third stanza could be split up, possibly between "grandchildren" and "the animals". Overall, it was a great poem, very interesting sense of time.